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artsy Offline OP
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Well, we did hang out a little in the past. Mostly right after BD- he told me he wanted to work on things and start dating. So we went out to eat and shipped/ ran errands, etc. we have spent no time together outside of painful R talks since February.

I think when I found the note a couple weeks ago I realized that timeline coincided with the time he would have started living with OW. (Once that happened, I saw much less of him).

And then, remember he said last month he was just spending time with me because he felt guilty.

I don't believe that, and he even contradicted that last week. BUT, my feelings still are very much in upheaval over it. Does that make sense?

BOTTOM LINE: I'm afraid he's going to say some stupida$$ comment that will upset me. I know- that's on me. But he has no clue about tact, and add MLC on top of that and you have a $h!tshow.

I don't know if I'M strong enough for it. And that p!sses me off!


Me: 39
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Gotcha. You ARE strong. However, I do understand your feelings. I think you can say, " h, I'm not ready to visit right now. I hope you understand ". Maybe something simple and honest. It's for you and it sounds like you don't need to see him right now. You can be pleasant yet firm. And get back to living:-)

Last edited by Georgiabelle; 07/24/14 01:44 AM.


3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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artsy Offline OP
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As always-------> THANK YOU, GB!!! (((GB)))

Documenting:

FIL is not doing well. He has always been in poor health... Several mini-strokes (TIAs), heart issues, diabetes.

He just had hernia surgery and has been in and out of the hospital several times the past week. He's not gonna be around forever, guys.

This is gonna rock Hs world. Very dark times ahead for H.

Buckle up!


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Oh dear, that could spice things up. I had a bizarre time at funeral yesterday. In laws.

Being nice and taking the high road cost them a huge amount of stress. I have no real idea why?

H really looked mlc to me in a jacket that was the wrong age for him by 20 years, he looked mutton dressed as lamb! laugh


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Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
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artsy Offline OP
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Ggrass, of course it does!

If you think about it, how would they be expected to act considering what has happened.

And when the LBS handles herself with grace, I'm sure it's even more embarrassing for the MLCer AND his family to see the reality of the situation.

Now, I'm guessing there won't be a service when my FIL passes (NOTE: he is not dead yet, but my mind cannot help from "going there") in-laws aren't religious and basically tried to keep the grandpa's death on the down-low so nobody would fuss about it. The only service was one held by his church--- which is the surviving families right, but I thought it was a bit odd.

This was about the time H started to change. Hindsight is 20/20.

Last edited by artsy; 07/24/14 01:50 PM.

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Artsy,

Yes, that sounds stressful. What kind of R does your h have with his Dad? We've had many stressors the last few years but I remember I was surprised at how devastated h was when my Dad died. He was literally in an inconsolable state which at the time I thought was because he felt bad for me and the kids. Probably a little of that although several things h said later indicated my dad's death really affected HIM.

I hate to admit it, however the high road can be a challenge. However, once decide to respond vs react and try to do what's right (even though that can be confusing too-or at least to me:-), it does get easier.

Last edited by Georgiabelle; 07/24/14 02:51 PM.


3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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artsy Offline OP
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Just got off the phone with H- I decided I hate the texts and emails. I'm going to call instead whenever I can. It's more "human".

After talking logistics re: when he would be by to get tools and dog, he talked about his dad. (I asked how he was doing).

H opened up a lot. I do think FIL is recouping well considering, it's just H is having a hard time dealing with the reality of his aging parents. H is worried his dad has Alzheimer's- that's not what's going on, and I explained to him what that would look like. I said I really just think he's seeing all of his dad's past health issues take their toll. Add in the TIAs, and... It was a good talk.

He said he spends all of his free time at his parent' house (I'm sure not ALL of it...). He mows the grass, etc. and I realized a couple things:
1. He wanted to escape responsibilities. He literally said he just wanted to go to work, come home and not worry about anyone else. So now he has his parents to take care of. His escaping responsibility is most definitely NOT working out for him right now. (Uhhhhh, because it doesn't for anybody!!!! It's called
Life!!!) will this prolong his MLC journey? Will it be the catalyst to lift the fog--- not likely. His rock bottom would most likely involve his work. It's all he cares about, if you are to believe his actions. This may very well have no effect. Only time will tell.

2. This is proof in Gods perfect timing. His parents need him right now. I do not.

I cried when I got off the phone. It wasn't a pity party sort of cry. It was a "oh, I get it" type of release. Not only the timing of it all, but the realization:::::

He keeps mentioning how "cold" his mom is. The more time that passes, the more he says it and the more resentment he has in his voice. Before, at and shortly after BD, he pointed out what he thought were similarities in his mom and me. He will openly admit her coldness towards him as a child has messed him up as an adult.

He has since retracted his statement about me, and then tried on a couple of occasions to backtrack and tell me I'm the warmest, kindest person he knows.

While I am nowhere near his mom's extreme (she can be heartless at times), I most definitely did not love him the way he needed to be loved. I owned this fact 7 months ago. I've apologized to him. He won't accept my apology (see above paragraph). I believe he was being honest when he compared me to her.

Our conversation today helped that hit home. I'm off to the prayer room at my church. I've got some meditating to do.


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artsy Offline OP
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Hi, GB!

He has always been close with his dad. They do side jobs together. When I met him he wasn't as close as he used to be, and that distance grew and grew until H walked out the door. He has since reconnected with them in a huge way.

As a result of the previous years, I am not close with them AT ALL. not unfriendly, by any means, but no relationship to speak of. They have never made contact with me in any way since he left. That is hurtful, but knowing his mom, it's just easier to avoid an uncomfortable situation altogether.


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Hi artsy,
Wow, parent issues are are the biggest part of my W's MLC journey for sure. It was also true that during the years we were M my W had little contact with her father and now is constantly in contact with him, sometimes talking 3-4 times a day on the phone and texting all day. The difference in my sitch is that he has actively tried to get her to leave me. It's almost like he see's me as a rival for her affections. I know for a fact that FIL's parents, especially his mother, were VERY cold. They had some very crazy ideas about parenting that really damaged their kids (FIL's sister is a heartless person who rejected her first son because he was born with a disfigurement while doting on her youngest son). Very messed up family that my W and I had little contact with until post B-day. Be glad that while they may not have contacted you, at least they aren't actively aiding your H and egging him on! Just goes to show how MLC is an issue that started long before we came into the picture.

About taking the "high road"...I went to a party for my W's grandmothers 96th birthday 2 weeks ago. All my W's family but they wanted me to be there. When the hostess, my W's cousin, said to my W (in front of my kids by the way. My D19 told me about this) that she was glad that I came knowing that she had moved out of the house, my wife said "Well, if there's any trouble, it won't come from me!". Her cousin hadn't inferred she thought there would be "trouble", all she was saying was that it was good that we were able to both be there and enjoy family time. I have always been nothing but respectful to her both in public and in private. Maybe a little projection there on W's part? Probably it would be easier for the WAS and in some cases the family, if the LBS were to be less than respectful. The stress probably comes from the fact that they can't say what horrible people we are!

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artsy Offline OP
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Hi, Matt.

Yes, I think it would be way easier for them to walk away if we turned into an angry, sobbing mess who makes embarrassing scenes in public.

Good for you, going to the birthday party. It takes a big person to face something like that!!!


Me: 39
H: 45
Second marriage for both
H left 12/2013
M:4 T:5.5
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