Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
Artsy,

Forgiveness is a process and it takes time. Be kind to yourself as you will get there.

I have several nicknames when I mentally refer to h. I'm still working through some feelings so I won't name them. :-)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Here is your reference copy as asked for and note to myself I have improved the links on this post, all except one s/b able to be copied and pasted.

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

The link for the resources:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1539436#Post1539436

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...6668#Post526668

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714209

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

Odds and Ends of MLC(new from Delboy)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=656357#Post656357

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template
which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively.
It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena).
So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.
(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.

I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.


Your H has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Last edited by Cadet; 07/18/14 01:45 PM.

Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 456
A
artsy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 456
Ok-

Why is my MLCer sickening sweet to me?

He sent me an email that said I'm the kindest person he has ever known and that he just wants me to be happy (this was thrown in an email about "business" stuff- even though I told him I needed space, he said he was gonna drop off an insurance card)

Again- this could be put in the mail! He's still making excuses to come over.

BTW- he never dropped it off or communicated why he didn't. I did not ask, I wanted my space, after all!!! wink

He has also repeatedly mentioned how beautiful, funny, etc I am. ???????

I'm not complaining, just baffled. Anyone else out there have this??

Last edited by artsy; 07/22/14 02:26 AM.

Me: 39
H: 45
Second marriage for both
H left 12/2013
M:4 T:5.5
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
You are all of those things, Artsy! You are beautiful, kind, etcetera and I do think your h wants you to be happy even if he doesn't know what *that* is :-)

I cannot relate to that in my current sitch. I get nothing like that...however, I wonder if your h may be feeling a bit of what my x-bf did. ( mini hijack alert). I dated someone for 7 years. We had similar values and beliefs (strong work ethics, strong sense of family, humor , etc). I knew the entire time he was with my that he still pined over his x-gf. It was this big, ginormous elephant in the room. I wanted to get married and have a family and he did too. However, I knew he was not going to do those things with me. When we discussed and broke up, I loved him and knew I was truly * done* with a R with him. I would have done anything to make it work. I just knew we could be friends even though I realized he just never was going to move forward with me. As soon as we had that convo and I moved out, he pursued me relentlessly. (For the record, he did marry the xbf about a yr and a half after we broke up. She left him a year into the M and he is now married to someone who looks and is very similar to me. It's bizarre!) Now, to be clear, this was not a "I want you back. I love you" type pursuant. This was a "could I really lose my long time, reliable, confidant ?" kind of pursual. However, it was very obvious. Calls. Texts. Several times a day. Drop byes to hang shower curtains. Watch my cat. I'm not saying your h doesn't have a much deeper reason - that I don't know. However, he could be realizing he may actually * lose* you. Be it as his wife, friend, confidant.

I can't say he wants to R. I can't say he would want to make it work. However, your h may finally see that you are truly moving on and he's afraid of losing you and a R in some shape, form or variety. Actions speak louder than words. Does that make sense?

I think you are doing awesome:-). I think our BDs were just a day or do apart? Keep up the good work my friend.

Last edited by Georgiabelle; 07/22/14 07:28 AM.


3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 456
A
artsy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 456
(((((GB))))) Ahhhhhhh! Yes! I feel a connection with you because we were dropped into this water pretty much at the exact same time...we're still floating along and our lifeboats are coming along nicely!! wink

I rarely post anything, but I follow your sitch. Sorry your H has been kidnapped by pirates. Sounds like you have amazing kids!!!!

I definitely agree my H feels the shift- he waffled so much for 6 months and then declared on our anniversary he was never coming home. Literally since that day a month ago, I have heard from him more than I did the past 7 months combined! And I haven't really done anything different- it's like he said it out loud and it finally made him realize what the future might be.

Now, I have shifted my thinking, but not my actions. I tried to go dark, but he ignored it LOL! All of his stuff is in boxes in the garage now, but he doesn't know that, either. It's like he just "knows" on some level.

He's definitely a lost soul right now. He always peppers me with compliments, which are nice but I believe absolutely NOTHING that comes out of his mouth.

You are correct: his actions are screaming at me right now. He clearly is conflicted.

Now, he also told me in his email that he thinks about me all the time. THAT I believe. I'm sure he is reminded of our sitch everywhere- we were so close once upon a time. (Not saying they're all mushy thoughts- in fact there may be a whole bunch of anger and resentment in there). I'm sure the guilt has a lot to do with that, too.

I shall continue to stay in my sandbox and be fabulous! smile I've prayed for guidance on communication and contact- so far NO inclination to reach out for any reason, which is fine with me! But I do feel compelled to be a safe place for H to land....... I feel something may be happening soon where he may need a sympathetic ear or strong shoulder. After all, I AM the kindest person he has ever known. wink


Me: 39
H: 45
Second marriage for both
H left 12/2013
M:4 T:5.5
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 456
A
artsy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 456
Ugh- this is so frustrating.

H will not allow me to go dark. He is being persistent. Insisting he's coming by to drop stuff off or pick stuff up, blah blah blah.

I don't feel like I can just ignore him because he's giving me money- don't bite the hand that feeds ya!

So today he sends an email letting me know the rent money he's been giving me (from his house he owned for over 20 years that is currently rented out) will stop coming in April when he moves back there. I'm not sure if it was a "heads up" type of notice or him being insensitive and just reinforcing to me that he's not coming home.

Of course it made my stomach drop because I'm not detached enough. I recovered quickly, though.

I want space from him!!! Can someone, anyone with experience with this tell me how to be a safe place for him to land AND keep him at arms' length so I can regain my footing.

He's supposed to be here Saturday morning to get one of the dogs for the week. It upsets me he's taking the dog- she's part of the family. I don't want to be here when he comes, but not sure if I should----- haven't seen each other in a month.

I hate this.

Last edited by artsy; 07/23/14 10:56 PM.

Me: 39
H: 45
Second marriage for both
H left 12/2013
M:4 T:5.5
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 456
A
artsy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 456
I read the going dark thread- still confused!!!!

I realize it is ultimately my choice but I would appreciate some different opinions.


Me: 39
H: 45
Second marriage for both
H left 12/2013
M:4 T:5.5
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
Artsy,

I'm a little confused. Was he giving you the money generated from the rental? And is he saying he will no longer give you that $? I know he is supporting you financially during your career transition. I just wasn't clear of this was a reduction in funds or a btw type statement. I do think (and you do too it appears) h is still a lost soul right now.

Here are my thoughts. You told h you were not going to be his friend. It may be best for you to enforce that boundary for your well being. You can be friendly and also make yourself busy if he drops by. Has he actually done this yet or is it more talk from h?

Keep it light, cordial and stay busy. And I think dark would be tough in your sitch and dim may be a better fit. Just my 2 cents:-)


Last edited by Georgiabelle; 07/23/14 11:32 PM.


3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 456
A
artsy Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 456
Thanks, GB,

He has given me a lump sum (I have another one coming next week) and each month he gives me the rent money. However, since he wants to move back in to his house in April the rent money will no longer be available to me.

Does that make sense?? By that point, I won't really need the rent money anymore. But it still stung a bit to hear of his plan (NOT THAT HE IS CAPABLE OF TRULY PLANNING ANYTHING IN THE FUTURE!!!)

And he hasn't stopped by yet because I haven't let him!!! :-/
I always have a reason I won't be there. And he admitted last week he wants to stop by because he wants to see me.

I mean, how long can I keep that up?? Lol!!

But I don't want to see him!!!! I don't. Not for punishment, but because it throws me for a loop each time.

Then again, how can he see how fabulous I am if he doesn't SEE it? smile

I hate this.


Me: 39
H: 45
Second marriage for both
H left 12/2013
M:4 T:5.5
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
Question. Why do you not want to see your h right now? I do understand the feeling, however I know you have hung out in the past. Just asking:-)

And I don't think there is anything wrong with saying "H, I need some time to ponder our last conversation. I'm not ready to see you right now. I hope you understand ". Something along that line..,,

Last edited by Georgiabelle; 07/24/14 12:08 AM.


3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Page 2 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard