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#2469555 07/16/14 06:17 PM
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Quote:
Title: Dennis Moore
From: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Transcribed By: unknown


England, 1747

(Sounds of a coach and horses, galloping)

Cleese: Stand and deliver!
Chapman: Not on your life (SHOT) ... aagh!

(Girl screams)

Cl: Let that be a warning to you all. You move at your peril, for I have two
pistols here. I know one of them isn't loaded any more, but the other one
is, so that's one of you dead for sure...or just about for sure anyway. It
certainly wouldn't be worth your while risking it because I'm a very good
shot. I practise every day...well, not absolutely every day, but most days
in the week. I expect I must practise, oh, at least four or five times a
week...or more, really, but some weekends, like last weekend, there really
wasn't the time, so that brings the average down a bit. I should say it's
a solid four days' practice a week...At least...I mean...I reckon I could
hit that tree over there. Er...the one just behind that hillock. The
little hillock, not the big one on the...you see the three trees over
there? Well, the one furthest away on the right... (fade)

(Fade up again)

Cl: What's the... the one like that with the leaves that are sort of
regularly veined and the veins go right out with a sort of um...
Girl: Serrated?
Cl: Serrated edges.
Id: A willow!
Cl: Yes.
Id: That's nothing like a willow.
Cl: Well it doesn't matter, anyway. I can hit it seven times out of ten,
that's the point.
Id: Never a willow.
Cl: Shut up! It's a hold-up, not a Botany lesson. Now, no false moves
please. I want you to hand over all the lupins you've got.
Jones: Lupins?
Cl: Yes, lupins. Come on, come on.
Id: What do you mean, lupins?
Cl: Don't try to play for time.
Id: I'm not, but... the *flower* lupin?
Cl: Yes, that's right.
Jo: Well we haven't got any lupins.
Girl: Honestly.
Cl: Look, my friends. I happen to know that this is the Lupin Express.
Jo: Damn!
Girl: Oh, here you are.
Cl: In a bunch, in a bunch!
Jo: Sorry.
Cl: Come on, Concorde! (Gallops off)
Chorus (sings):
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, galloping through the sward,
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, and his horse Concorde.
He steals from the rich, he gives to the poor,
Mr Moore, Mr Moore, Mr Moore.
Chorus (sings):
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, galloping through the sward,
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, and his horse Concorde.
He steals from the poor, he gives to the rich,
Stupid B!tch, Stupid B!tch, Stupid B!tch.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Quote:
Goals:

1. Put God's Will First. Trust God. Focus on each day as it comes and Take Joy! from each day.
2. Take care of my health (mental and physical).
3. Give my kids the things and time they deserve.
4. Face Each Day's Tasks HONESTLY and Pro-actively. Keep up my ToDo list of things to tackle today and in the near future.
5. Enjoy the contentment with my life that comes from working on the first four goals: travel, fun, friends, family...TAKE JOY!

Specific Sub-Goals:
Have a reliable car I'm proud to drive by Christmas of 2014.
Earn at least $60,000 per year by December, 2015...or sooner.


Old Thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2469550&page=1


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Hi Heather,
Don't ever forget the bestest tree..... THE LARK! smile

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I just watched Dennis Moore again on YouTube. I forgot how funny it is! "This redistribution of wealth is trickier than I thought."

"Your lupins or your life."

Michael Palin: "We're sick to bloody death of LUPINS! Lupins for breakfast, for dinner, we wear lupins, we feed the cat lupins...Look! The cat just choked on a lupin."


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, riding through the night!....

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Man, just got a rejection from an editor. I know it's to be expected because I've sent out like 12-15 resumes in the past 48 hours...but, damm. With the grocery store rejection. Ugh.

I'm stepping away from the computer for a bit. D11 just had a fit because I don't want her to invite a friend over. I'm supposed to take she and another friend to the mall tomorrow...and, I've asked her to do two pages of math...the first math request in a month. I got a door slam.

Time for a break. Maybe a cup of tea? And, my Agatha Christie novel. I'm not going to feel guilty either.

I will send two more later and that will make ten for today.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

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Hey Heather, don't sweat it! With the number that you sent out it's to be expected. My mom was a writer when I was kid, freelance. One thing I learned from her experience was you can expect MUCH rejection! All it takes is one positive response to make up for 20 negative ones! You're doing great! keep it going!

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Thank you Matt :-)

Last night I became a bit obsessive and, at some point, cuckoo. I sent out a bunch more resumes for some practical...get money now...and, then, searched online for journalism, jobs in trade mags, publishing, etc...By this time, I was getting a bit tired and fantasized about starting over somewhere. Which lead me to beginning the application process at University of Alabama, Auburn and Ole Miss...At the end of the night, I was looking up jobs in Cody, Wyoming...decided this was a NO. But, the reporting job in Maui looked pretty nice. :-) It was sorta a strange night of opening myself up to ALL the possibilities and, then, ending in an exhausted, rather discouraged, wallowy sorta lump.

D11 did end up having a friend over and I was glad to have the chance to throw myself into it without feeling mommy guilt. When I get into this kinda stuff, I'm ALLLL in and it's hard because I feel guilty for leaving D11 to her own devices so much.

We've had some good times since D20 has been gone though. We've gone on two hikes and had some nice conversations together. We both agree that D20 needs to get some help in order for her to be ok living here. We are both tired of the drama. I think we've had enough drama...Ya think??

D11 is very sensitive to my feelings and I told her yesterday at the end of our hike..."Until I have money coming in steadily again...and I will...you may be feeling me get a little stressed. It's not you, it's just me thinking about what's next. I'm figuring it out, but please remember that it's not you." She said "Ok." I hope it helped.

She surprised me yesterday. We recently finished a biography on Abigail Adams and I've been on her to read some without me. D11 hates reading and will put it off. Often, I give in and read to her because I hate to see her miss out on these books. She will listen and enjoy when she is read to...very auditory with her learning. Anyway, she took upon herself to look up Amazon's Audible book app. She mentioned it to me and said it may be a solution to our reading problem! I didn't have to do a dam thing! She even looked it up and handed me my phone. (I'm sure there's some hidden motive like a book on One Direction. LoL. But, I don't care). She's really awesome. :-)

On a brighter note: It's getting easier to tap into my source of joy and my inner calm. Call it my Inner Child or Guiding Spirit or what you will, but I'm learning that this inner core of me is really just a big ball of JOY!!! She is loving and fun and willing to look at all the possibilities life has to offer and is usually smiling and giggling unless....DUM DUM DA!!!!!...the Critic is talking.

The Critic is the me that has soaked up every single criticism like a sponge and she is constantly berating me to BE MORE, DOOOO MORE...Her favorite line is..."We are doomed!!" And, now that I don't have students and my days are free to job hunt and be with D11...the Critic LOVES LOVES LOVES to accuse me of being a lazy slob.

I get to this quiet, calm place and it's like trying to deflect machine gun fire with my hand as I work to push the negative messages out of the place of joy. It's constant. It's not wonder that I have shut myself off from so many people in my family. It only makes those voices louder and harder to fight. I think, as I get better at making my own voice heard, it will be easier to allow them into my life more.

I dread D20 coming home. She has such a loud critical voice. I didn't hear a thing from her yesterday and that was nice. Haven't heard from my mother either. Again, nice. They can talk to each other.

Noticed something yesterday...just something to be aware of...I became very nervous leaving the house. I think I feel this a lot, but I've learned to accept it. I was full of fear.

In the past, over the years, I've made a lot of really hurtful discoveries about Smokey when I've left the house...The other day, I happen to see our old Jeep CJ in someone's driveway. This is the vehicle he liked to joyride with OW in. It's the vehicle that D11 and I discovered he and OW together in on July 4, two years ago. It brought back memories of other "surprises."

Smokey Surprises happened when I least expected it and I'd be going on with my lifem running errands, and happen to see Smokey's vehicle somewhere it shouldn't be...a druggie's house, in a cloud of smoke...someplace other than where he said he was...I feel it in my heart and chest as I write this. I think that's why a part of me wants to move away. I feel held down by some of these memories. I'd like a chance to allow that JOYFUL part of me feel free to move about with a constant reminder of painful things past. I'm sorta rooting for the reporter job in Amish Country. It would be pretty, an hour south of here...no memories...a fresh start?

I looked up the Methodist Church in the town where I'd be working. It has a very active youth group and I saw some pre-teen/teen girls. The group was doing some really fun stuff. Then,(remember, I was a bit cuckoo after intense job hunting), I looked up house and found some pretty properties for sale from foreclosure.

Anyway...we shall see.

Trying to keep up my Courage to Change. Courage to DO things differently.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Quote:
"Wide Awake"
Katy Perry

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake

I'm wide awake
Yeah, I was in the dark
I was falling hard
With an open heart
I'm wide awake
How did I read the stars so wrong?
I'm wide awake
And now it's clear to me
That everything you see
Ain't always what it seems
I'm wide awake
Yeah, I was dreaming for so long

[Pre-Chorus]
I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn't dive in
Wouldn't bow down
Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
'Til I woke up on
On the concrete

[Chorus]
Falling from cloud nine
Crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight
Yeah, I'm falling from cloud nine

I'm wide awake
Not losing any sleep
I picked up every piece
And landed on my feet
I'm wide awake
Need nothing to complete myself, no

I'm wide awake
Yeah, I am born again
Out of the lion's den
I don't have to pretend
And it's too late
The story's over now, the end


[Pre-Chorus]
I wish I knew then
What I know now
Wouldn't dive in
Wouldn't bow down

Gravity hurts
You made it so sweet
'Til I woke up on
On the concrete

[Chorus]
Falling from cloud nine (it was out of the blue)
I'm crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight (yeah, I'm letting you go)
I'm falling from cloud nine

I'm wide awake
Thunder rumbling
Castles crumbling
I'm wide awake
I am trying to hold on
I'm wide awake
God knows that I tried
Seeing the bright side
I'm wide awake
I'm not blind anymore...

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake

[Chorus]
Yeah, I'm falling from cloud nine (it was out of the blue)
I'm crashing from the high
You know I'm letting go tonight (yeah, I'm letting you go)
I'm falling from cloud nine

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake


I don't seem to be accomplishing much this morning. I may need to get the he!! outta here? D11 and I have been having some fun driving and listening to music. Clear the brain some. I think I have too much stuff running through my head??

Maybe do something outta character for me. Have some fun?? Even in the midst of uncertainty and apocalyptic disaster??

I've sent out 25 resumes? Is that enough for today?


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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D11 and I are going to drive back roads to Amish country. We can eat a piece of pie and enjoy the pretty day.

Car is ok if I stay away from highways:-)

I will pick up some newspapers and get a feel of some temporary jobs in the area. I feel God pulling me to a sorta of brainless job that would allow us to regroup???

IDK. I will get out into the country and listen to God HARD.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Heather,

Also would want to check into the State of Ohio jobs on their personnel site. There's a ton of jobs that are posted on a weekly basis.

Enjoy your drive! Save some of that great blueberry gobbler pie for me!

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Thanks Wonka!! Will Do.

I never did apply to Autism Speaks or similar organizations.

I will take my notepad and have D11 write down any ideas, like yours, while I drive.


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“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Went to Amish Country and had FUN!! Yes! F. U. N.

F is for friends who do stuff together
U is for U and Meeeee
N is for N-yee time at all, down here in the deep blue sea.

We went down this gravelly road and found a beautiful, secluded creek. D11 and the choc lab had fun romping. D11 had a blast!

Somehow, she managed to still have Wendy's...even in Amish Country? But, we did bring home a strawberry pie and some cherry cobbler and some peaches and cherries. :-)

Sorta disappointed that my email wasn't full of job offers when I got home...but oh well...C'est la vie.


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“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Now, have to journal this...

D11 liked the area. Really liked the area. We'd only be about an hour from her friends here and there's virtually no memories to speak of...It would be a clean slate.

As we drove down, I drove through the town where Smokey worked for 20 years. Full of memories. Past the summer festival that starts tonight with the parade. Past the mall where he used to meet OW at lunch...past the campground where he stayed once when I kicked him out for smoking pot daily and being an A$$...It was a drive through memory-ville.

Then, we reached this certain point and I felt free.

And, I realized that D11 hasn't had the good memories or experiences that D20 had. She was 9 when this all started. Her dad was deep in a depression for most of her early childhood and her Asperger's made doing stuff away from the house difficult. Now, it's a different story. I would love to live somewhere with lots to do and see...especially stuff that would be new memories for us all.

We would be about an hour from Columbus and there's plenty of fun stuff to do there. Not a lot of water though. I like having water in the form of a creek, lake...something. There's a lake. But, there's plenty of beautiful countryside and old houses. It's so pretty.

Anyway, I need to sit on this. Today was a good day. As we drove around, I realized I would have NO Qualms, NADA, ZIP, Nothing preventing me from taking whatever job paid the bills...Take something for a base...get settled...build the tech/children's/feature writing...

I wouldn't mind take another day trip like this...maybe with D20 and D11. Explore a few areas, then plan a move. Moving out of state would be stirring up a whole kettle of stuff I'd rather not right now...but, moving in state might be the ticket for us, right now. A chance to wash off the old dreams and build some new ones with being constantly reminded of past deeds. I could do this.


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Hi Heather,
Sounds like you had a great day. Keep looking and finding what it is YOU want to do with your life for you and your D's!

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heather, you really are making great progress in setting your "new life" up. keep up the good work and good luck.

I read your comment about whether the MLC'er ever marries and the realise what a mistake he has made. In my sitch I would love to know the answer.

Also I get the memory thing, not good.

Have a great day and keep up the good work, I see success in your future what ever you decide.

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Why won't anyone get back to ME!!?! WHY!??? Why! WHY??!! why...

I sent an email to the editor of the newspaper reminding him of my interest. I felt a phone call was too soon...but, if I don't hear back by Weds?, I will call. Maybe Monday?

It would be hard being a reporter again...but, I would have flexible hours and the pay wouldn't be huge...but, that's ok right now because of the dissolution being in the AIR. If would give me a base and benefits.

I looked up some Ohio State jobs...found one for a meat inspector...mmmmm.

Also, looked up libraries which sounds ideal right now. But, the pay is horrible and most are only offering part-time. I did the math and it wouldn't be so great unless I really worked hard on other stuff. I guess? IDK.

Felt some waves of fear and discouragement this morning, but talked myself down and took some action...cleaned the kitchen and emailed the editor.

His name is White...like Superman!! I could be Lois Lane!!!!! Wouldn't that be sooo cool? :-)...And, then, I'd meet Clark and we'd fall in love and he'd fly me over Millersburg?? and we'd get married and live happily ever after and Smokey would be sooo jealous. Yep, that's how it's gonna go down. Pretty sure.


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not to hi jack Heather... but Ab fab...

YES!! they do!!! My friend's husband went through this. MLC.. he connected with his secretary & they are still together. But I hear he is still not happy. However, he totally regrets what he lost. He lost a good woman who created a beautiful family & stood by him as long as she could. She is now very happy with someone else. Living the life of a queen. His regret came approx 3 years later.


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Makingmagic - thank you for that. It certainly fits with what I feel could happen. Lets hope I'm living the life of a Queen too!

Heather - I know you want it all now. I will happen. Have a little faith!

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Quote:
Why won't anyone get back to ME!!?! WHY!??? Why! WHY??!! why...


Heather - there's a couple of reasons why someone might not get back to you:

A) It's summer and people go on vacations

B) When we advertised for a new medical assistant for our office a few years ago, we got well over a hundred resumes. Much as we would have like to answer everyone, we simply did not have the time or the manpower to write that many replies.

So go ahead and call after a week or two to reiterate your interest, but meanwhile, keep looking. And don't discount that library job too soon - try to find out what advancement opportunities are like. When my mom retired, she began volunteering at the library. Eventually they encouraged her to apply for a job as an aide. It paid just a little above minimum wage at the time. She kept getting promoted and now is a library assistant. She works 20 hours a week but gets paid about $22 an hour - not bad for work she loves. A steady part-time gig that left you free to develop your writing business but paid the grocery bill in the meantime would be an option.

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Ok. That's a different spin on the library position. Hadn't thought of that. M-kay.

I will send my resume...Now, the library position I found is about an hour south in the area where I would like to relocate. I would need to problem solve the car issue...but, I'm a clever gal. I wasn't married to a drug addict for 23 years for nothin.


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Heather, what do you have that you could sell to get a better car? Are there any assets that you will get in the divorce? Can you use some of the money from your share of Smokey's retirement when the divorce is done? (I believe there is an exemption on the extra tax hit if you take it out within a certain time after the divorce, but don't quote me on that).

I don't think I would move for a part-time job, unless it was to a city with lots of other job opportunities in case that didn't pan out.

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His retirement is out. It's tied up in the state system until he actually retires. I did ask for half of the $24,000 he blew last summer on himself and OW...but, I'm not holding my breath. And, his attorney is known for being slooooooooowwwwwww.

I'm good at coming up with solutions when necessary. Years of experience. I'm kinda feeling empowered today...I've dealt with a lot of shid and I've handled it. I will handle this too.

Anyway...that aside. The library positions come with PERS which is the retirement Smokey has...good retirement. Another bonus. No health benefits though.

I'm allowing D11 and her friend walk around the mall while I work in Starbucks. They were so funny! They went through D20's closet...I pretended not to notice...and dressed up in her stuff. D11 is wearing a sparkly strapless homecoming dress with combat boots...tres chic.


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I'm feeling a little overwhelmed so I'm going to journal some thoughts. I have some time to kill!

1. I'm going to revise the resume and come up with a cover letter suitable for libraries.

2. I'm going to look up publishing houses in Ohio.

3. The children's magazine Highlights is in Ohio. I sent a resume for a copywriting position...but, it was late and I didn't sent much of a cover letter. I will send another resume and a decent cover letter to this position. This would be in Columbus...but, I can see myself doing well with an organization like Highlights.

4. I'm going to look up Scholastic again. I know they have a presence in Ohio somewhere.

5. I will send out five more resumes today.

6. I will send out five tomorrow.

7. I HAVE to do some yard work tomorrow. I have neglected the yard with all this job hunting. It looks terrible. I will feel better if I get it back in order.

8. I will ask D11 to put the dishes away and clean the fridge out a bit...I can pick up the living room. She did read a book this morning as I asked.

9. I need to get these creative juices flowing...I felt a bit discouraged to read on a forum that contract tech writing wasn't paying someone's bills. Listening to God. PUSH the negative out of my sacred place.

10. Five job applications, this weekend, to temporary money jobs. Target, etc...


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Heather,

Google writer's conference/workshop 2014 in Ohio and you'll get tons of information. There's a writer's conference in Columbus tomorrow.

What I think you need to do more frequently is networking with actual people, engage in small talk, and collect business cards/contact info.

I've learned that nearly 85% of jobs are discovered through personal contact. That has been the case in my career path as well.

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a friend started a business as an teacher/editor of kids papers and reports. they sign up and send their work via google docs or something similar, she helps them edit their work. she seems to be getting some business, and its a few hours work here and there.


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Wonka, is that a tech writer's conference?

Thanks Ken!! I could easily market that via the homeschooling forums and such.

Thanks for dropping by :-) Sorry, I wasn't home, next time we can sit and have a cup of Joe.


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Not it is not a tech writer's conference, but Central Ohio Fiction Writer's conference. Also there's a fantasy writer's conference too..not sure when that one is coming up.

By golly, it'd be very interesting to meet and network with other writers. There's bound to be someone in the tech writing field out there as well, Heather.

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Library Cover Letter: CHECK!

Sent one resume and one cover letter for two library jobs.

OH!!!!!

Honestly, Wonka...I'm not sure tech writing is where it's at for me. I'm interested in it because it's lucrative and I'm tired of scraping by...but, I've never really given in to my passion...which is writing features and children's fictions. That's where I'm very talented and able. I've been trying to be a grown up and consider ALL the options so I pushed myself to go to the tech writing stuff and network a bit.

I guess my brain keeps telling me..."Heather, you MUST be REALISTIC NOW!! The writing you like will NOT PAY THE BILLS!"

But, that Critic needs to STFU. AND...I've never really given myself to it...I was always preoccupied with kids and/or Smokey and/or listening to the CRITIC who dragged me into the Land of the Lost where Procrastinators go to die.

I see the way out now and I'm wondering if I just need a steady part-time gig and the continued investment of my energies into ME.


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Heather,

Originally Posted By: LoisB

Honestly, Wonka...I'm not sure tech writing is where it's at for me. I'm interested in it because it's lucrative and I'm tired of scraping by...but, I've never really given in to my passion...which is writing features and children's fictions. That's where I'm very talented and able.


Trust me...it is very, very important to follow your passion and things WILL fall in place for you. Then channel your focus in that particular area.

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Well, then, tech writing ain't it. Kinda a bummer...but at least I know--it was always something I wondered about.

Reporting isn't really it either...but it's wayyyyyy closer. I can make it work for awhile...especially if I balance it with passionate stuff.

I feel like this is what I was supposed to feel at 20. I didn't. I'm glad to feel it now though. It's exciting.


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heather - I read your posts on Kimmerz;s thread. Didn't want to threadjack, but wrt this guy my advice is:

RUN

I don't think this is OK in a guy that you are not in a relationship with. Too much

If you are in a real relationship then what goes on between you is no-one else's business but he sounds so tacky.

I think you want a relationship and understandably enjoy the attention from a younger guy - who wouldn't? grin

But honestly? Follow your gut

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Yup, it's weird. Tried to talk myself outta it, but it's just weird. Bummer.


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Hi, without mentioning names I tried this out on a young couple who are staying with me for a few days (late twenties, but with many friends in the 30+ group)

It's a growing trend apparently but as the woman said - who wants that as part of a courtship ritual - we are not baboons!'

They thought it was weird and they are younger than us

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Thanks Bea.

I guess if it was an impulsive sort of thing, maybe I could overlook it?? So to speak.

But, it's the whole pre-meditated aspect that gets me. THIS is what he does in his free time?

The very LAST thing I need right now is someone with sexual fetishes...especially around my daughters.

It was a fun flirtation. Too bad...I liked him in other ways. He was outdoorsy and liked to write. He was a big fan of Thoreau...that shoulda been my first clue. Thoreau was a bum. :-)

I don't regret it. I've never dated and this is how you learn. Just wish I had done this in college instead of my 40s.


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Ok. Mom just called. I still feel angry.

She said, "I haven't heard from you..."

I was polite. "I've been really busy."

Mom: "Oh, with what?"

Me: "Sending out resumes and cover letters and such."

She asked how the tech writing meeting went and I lied. I told her I went. I just didn't feel like getting into it with her. I put myself first. Didn't dwell on it.

She asked how my money was...Um, duh. not so great.

"Anything new with the divorce?"

Me: "Nope."

I don't know what she wants from me? She wants me to tell her it's all great? I just feel angry when she asks because I know it doesn't really matter if things are rotten or whatever.

Yesterday, I identified some anger with her.

I realized I'm angry because...with her addiction to her abusers...stepdad still comes first in her life. I could be bleeding out on the sidewalk and she would step over me to help him. The man who abused her relentlessly 24/7 for two decades and she will still trip over herself to answer his calls even if I'm in the midst of a conversation with her about my situation.

I've never come first with my mom. Ever. And, I'm angry about it.

I really have needed her in the past and she is good at "looking as if" she has my back...but, all those questions about my situation...underneath is this expectation that I handle it alone and I don't ask her for anything. If I do, I will get it back in spades and knives. Just handle it Heather.

AND, I'm tired of being her distraction from her own problems. My life is not open for analysis anymore. If I want to screw the Forester up and down public square...it's my damn business...not that I would do that..ewww.

But, this is MY LIFE. Don't act as if and then USE me behind my back. I'm tired of it.

I've done some spectacular stuff in the past three years and I've shown myself to be a good, decent, strong, person.

It really irks me that she can't embrace me because of her own sh!t.


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Having to face MLC as a lbs has thought us to be firmer in what we will accept and not put up with. I know I am still a good, loveable person but a few people have realised that I AM NOT A SCAPEGOAT NOR WILL I FIX THEIR MESS. I use to have solution for everything and do everything in my power to solve conflict. I still do but not blindly. Anyone I feel is taking advantage will have to figure their sh*t out on their own.

Don' t stress yourself over her, at least you know where it is coming from. Live your life with the lesson you learnt from her choices.. communicating your feelings to her might clarify a few things but will it change any of it?? Sometimes, it does, sometimes it doesn' t.. Sometimes, it brings people closer and sometimes it makes things worst.. It depends on who and what it is about.

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Had a conversation with my sister yesterday and it really sent me spinning.

She asked me how things were going and I started to tell her about shutting the school down and the "sexually confused" student that was the straw that broke...etc...And, how I'm looking hard for work.

Then, she says, "I was screwing around on the Internet and came across this job in XX (where I live). It's full time and yadda, yadda..."

Now, I live in Ohio and my sister lives in Texas. I KNOW this wasn't her just screwing around.

And, I KNOW she loves me and I get that she was trying to help...so...why did it make me so angry?

I felt angry that she asked about my life, but already knew all the gory details. I felt angry that I, AGAIN, felt like a VICTIM. <<<<<<OHHHHHHHH...Wait. I think that may be it.

When I talk to her, to my family, I feel like someone to be pitied...someone who is either a victim or someone who is being called out for bad decisions in the past.

It really bothered me and, then, I felt sorta guilty for being bothered because I know she was really trying to help...But, it set me off...

And, she asked about D20 and it occurred to me that she hasn't once...since she told D20 that she could come live in TX with my sister and BIL...no one ever talked to me about that. It kinda gets me. My mother and sister spoke to each other and, then, presented it to D20, but no one ever bothered to speak to me. Even now, no one ever brings it up...but my sister sent this huge present to D20 for her birthday. IDK.

I could use some feedback.

So, I've been working hard at managing my "overwhelming" emotions by separating myself into the Feeling Side of ME, the Behavior Side and the Rational/Grown Up Side. And, for the most part, it's really, really, really helping...

However, in the workbook I'm using, the author describes your old behaviors/habits at the nemesis to your adult self. She suggests imagining a girl of 8-12 and imagine who you were at that age. I was a kid who was very, very self-conscious and worried constantly about my insecurities with people...I felt that being popular was the ONE thing both my parents really wanted from me and that I was hopelessly lacking when it came to social skills. I was also a perfectionist who was hell bent on these myriad of ways I was going to CHANGE myself in order to become perfect. I would come up with list after list and...really, when I think about it...I would create these "regimens" where I would schedule my self-improvement and the goal would be to be super fit, super popular with super great grades...IE "PERFECT!" Very sad. I've come across some of these regimens and they are really very sad.

Anyway...this book goes onto suggest that your very small self isn't the part of you that feels angry.

I'm having a hard time with this...First off...I see my 8-12 year old self as very sad and I don't want to shut her out. She developed some creative ways to deal with the situation that was my life at the time. Perfectionistic/Narc/Emotionally Unavailable Father and emotionally limited mother.

And, I'm noticing this smaller me DOES get angry. She is getting angry a lot more lately and I think it's a good thing.

Thoughts?


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Oh, and I also noticed that ALL of my INSECURITIES came bubbling to the surface when I talked to my sister. Despite feeling MORE powerful in my own skin lately...when, I talked to her...I felt like I almost immediately became this embarrassed, awkward, pitiful, RAW, Vulnerable, insecure, humiliated...FULL OF SHAME child who wasn't capable of making her life work. I felt like a LOSER.

That's how I FELT. I'm not saying she MADE me feel it...but, I think it's interesting how I quickly went there. That's how I feel with my family.

AND, one other thing...I know I'm nervous about D20 coming home. I initiated a conversation yesterday about some changes I needed her to make in order for ME to continue moving forward. She shut me down pretty quickly. She will be home tomorrow.

I've been thinking of ways to keep the positive spinning in my head...some Christian/Gospel music...meetings...church???


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Quote:
When I talk to her, to my family, I feel like someone to be pitied...someone who is either a victim or someone who is being called out for bad decisions in the past.


Whoa...I feel like a child who...in their opinion...is incapable of making good decisions...someone who is incapable of being a good parent and taking good care of her children.

AS OPPOSED TO SOMEONE...who has been dealt some really rough cards and made the best of it...someone who has fought hard for her kids and SOMEONE WHO DESERVES A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF RESPECT BECAUSE SHE HAS SURVIVED SOME REALLY BRUTAL CIRCUMSTANCES.

Instead, I feel like I'm treated a bit like a delinquent teen who needs a good scolding and must learn life's lessons.

I know it may come across as paranoia...but, what if this is how it really is? I'm the topic of conversation...but no one talks to me...they talk about me...

Could that be why it's so important to me to DO this WITHOUT THEIR HELP?


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Hi Heather,
I don't have much to say about all the things that you are feeling now. But I will say you really seem to be spinning a lot more than you have been in a while! I think you need to take a step back and center yourself. Seems like the talks with your mom and sister really got you going. You have been doing SO WELL, sending out so many resumes, looking for different things that YOU can do to make things better. You have been doing so very well. Don't let old family stuff get in your way. Let it go and get back to what you've been doing. Your doing great!

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Matt, Thanks...I agree.

Mom + Sister + D20 Coming Home + Growing Financial Pressure = Spinning Heather

Centering.

I sent out three library applications/resumes to area libraries. I plan on sending two more...including one to our library...although I've had really bad luck in the past getting a job there.

Send out another 2-3 resumes/cover letters to various jobs.


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Heather, the pressure is getting to you - breathe deeply and concentrate on keeping you side of the street clean.

You can do this. None of us wanted to be here, but we are all growing as human beings, in stature maturity and understanding of others

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I relate so much with how your mother and sister treat you.

Listen to gospel

And get ye to a meeting


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Thanks BK. I have a tab open with a meeting schedule. :-)

I applied to Walmart, Kohl's and this other job...The Walmart application allowed me to apply to about 6 different locations. I chose to avoid our hometown. That may be my shame talking...but, I don't care. My self-esteem has taken plenty of hits. I will drive a bit for Wal-mart.

It made me feel bettter...I guess I feel like I'm hitting all the options now. I, actually, wouldn't mind a job like Wal-Mart temporarily. I just don't want to be forced to run into everyone in town. A full page ad in the paper wouldn't reach as many people as working at Walmart.


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There's an A.A. meeting nearby at 7:30 a.m. tomorrow morning. It's open. I may go. I didn't go to church today and I felt a difference.


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I'm also thinking meetings may be the ticket with D20.

She is like a dry drunk. When she attends A.A., life is good...she keeps that ego in check and watches her behavior. She doesn't like Al-Anon and I get why. She fits in A.A.

Last summer, she made me laugh. She demanded that Smokey attend four meetings in order to participate in taking her to college. Of course, he didn't. He told her, "I tried it and I don't fit there."

Her response, "Oh. You FIT alright. You fit just fine. You just don't WANT to FIT."

I think she would be willing to go to A.A., especially if I make the effort to attend myself. I know she wouldn't turn down a ride to a meeting. I'm tempted to suggest that she take a time out from school for a semester or two and we get things settled here--meaning--I get a job, she helps with D11, goes to meetings, sees a counselor...we make changes and maybe move. Regroup and she goes back to school in Spring or a year from now.

It feels like the right thing. I think she needs to see me and make some necessary changes with ME helping her as a Guide. That's the rub, though, I NEED TO CONTINUE PAVING THE WAY. I think she NEEDS THIS FROM ME.

Last edited by LoisB; 07/20/14 11:56 PM.

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BeBe Winans sang this at Whitney Houston's funeral. It spoke to me today.

Quote:
"Tomorrow"

Jesus said
"Here I stand, won't you please let me in?"
And you said
"I will tomorrow"

Jesus said
"I am he who supplies all your needs"
And you said
"I know, but tomorrow, ooh, tomorrow, ill give my life
tomorrow, I thought about today, but it's so much easier to say"

Tomorrow, who promised you tomorrow,
better choose the lord today, for
tomorrow very well might be too late.

Jesus said
"Here I stand, won't you please take my hand?"
And you said
"I will tomorrow"

Jesus said
"I am he who supplies all your needs"
And you said
"I know, but tomorrow, ooh, tomorrow, ill give my life
tomorrow, I thought about today oooohh,
but it's so much easier to say"

Tomorrow, who promised you tomorrow,
better choose the lord today, for
tomorrow very well might be too late.

And who said tomorrow would ever come for you
still you laugh and play and continue on to say
"tomorrow"
forget about tomorrow won't you give
your life today oohh
please don't just turn and walk away
tomorrow, tomorrow is not promised
don't let this moment slip away
your tomorrow could very well begin today


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Heather,

You are the mother and the balance of wisdom is on you. Your D20 cannot take that away from you and she's full of entitlement. I think it is time for you put your foot down and say, "This is the new normal. Your criticisms and put-downs will not be tolerated. It is downright disrespectful. All of that stops right now."

Then step away and don't allow D20 to suck back into her drama. She feeds off of drama and pushes your buttons to get her fill of it. Some people just thrive on drama and I think your D20 is one of them.

Then step back and allow D20 to figure out her life. I mean...she's an adult now. Time for her to learn a bit about life.

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What a beautiful quote.

Whitney Houston is such a good lesson to learn from.

She was given so many gifts, a voice, beauty, fame, fortune, a loveing extended family (like Dionne Warwick not bobby) but she choose to give that up and kill herself with drugs and alcohol. Maybe tomorrow I'm sure she thought many many times


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What happened to the military? Is she not still considering that?

BTW, I agree w/Wonka. Set your boundaries and when she returns home, sit her down and advise her that you will no longer accept being treated or spoken to the way she has been doing. It's very disrespectful and you are the more mature adult here and need to call her on her behavior. She needs to understand that you are not her whipping girl and she needs to learn respect. If she doesn't, this behavior will continue raise its ugly head at home and in her life down the road.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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After we met with the ROTC instructor, he convinced us that the Reserves isn't a good fit for her. The ROTC seems to be a much better choice.

She is terrified, however, of going back to school and having the depression rear it's ugly head again. I completely understand this...I struggled with terrible/nightmarish SAD when I was her age and it only has lifted some in recent years. I know it's genetic.

My suggestion is take care of the depression, then figure out school...I still maintain, however, that she needs to make her own decisions.

We will have a firm discussion. I talked to D11 and she and I are in agreement that the DRAMA HAS TO GO. One way or another, we will get some peace...that we deserve. :-)


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While running from his past, Moses runs into his purpose. While escaping how he was once defined, he now runs into a new identity. TD Jakes.


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Heather, I know it is probably blindingly obvious but it just occurred to me that depression and drama might be related.

Given that MLC is about depression (among other things) and they are drama queens, does the raging and posturing give them some sort of high do you think?

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I do.

And, I think the adrenalin may, sometimes, help them think clearly.

Let me illustrate:

One of the reasons I believe D20 would be a fabulous ER doc is because she works so well under life and death situations.

She got back last night from a very strange trip to NM. While there, she and her friend went on a hike at the Sandia Mountain Peak. They were with some ill-equipped people and ended up giving them water and food that they should have kept for themselves. Then, someone realized that they had forgotten the key to the vehicle. This meant they had to hike an additional 3 miles (over the 7 miles they had completed)...it was the height of the day for the NM heat...

The upshot of all of this...my daughter's friend became dehydrated and, then, suffered heat exhaustion. She was barely conscious when they reached the tram parking lot and my D had to carry her on her back for the last 1/4 mile of the hike. When they reached the parking lot, D's friend had stopped sweating and her face had gone grey. D knew that she had only an hour of time before she would suffer heat stroke. She demanded that the people in the parking lot call 911 even though no one seemed to see the seriousness of the situation. When EMT's arrived, they had to give the friend four bags of saline before she regained concsciousness. D20 had told them immediately to get saline. They said she had moved past heat exhaustion and was dangerously close to stroking.

My point of all this is...my daughter was in her element. She thrives on this sort of event. She came home shaken, but thinking clearly and told me she wants to take a semester off from school.

I think some people have a lot of fog in their heads, naturally...and, crisis/drama helps create focus. I'm not sure this is a part of MLC...but, I know that my daughter has a much harder time dealing with the daily stresses of life than she does when someone is dying at her feet. THEN, she KNOWS what to do.

Maybe the rage and drama are their way of trying to create some self-inflicted clarity? And, maybe they just naturally gravitate to situations/creating drama in an effort to clear out the cobwebs?

And, in something that may be related...IDK?? I think Smokey was genuinely shocked when I got an attorney. I think it's shocking to him that I would "abandon" him. I see some of that in your situation too. It's like they GENUINELY/SINCERELY cannot fathom that the people that love them would "leave" them when they are so broken. I think he believes he is simply doing what he NEEDS to do for his survival.


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Hi Heather,
I think you may be on to something there. The only times my W wasn't "exhausted", was when she was angry, at least when around me and the kids. When she got angry at me, at least she felt something! Otherwise she just was a zombie. Also, she was always talking about how she was sooo "covered up" at work. Everyone else could take time off, go on vacations, take long lunches, just not her. By treating everything as an "emergency", she was able to break past the depressive fog and get things done. I think this may be why she said that a big reason she wanted to be on her own was that if she was in charge of every part of her life from cleaning the bathroom to paying the bills, she would be "too busy" to get depressed. That I somehow "allowed" her to become depressed and if there was no one around to take care of things she wouldn't be able to be depressed. If it is an "emergency", if it MUST be done right away, it clears away the fog.

When she would get angry at me at least she felt something. Until she decided that she was leaving, the only times she would talk to our D14 was when she would yell at her for not cleaning her room, or doing something she didn't like. Whenever either of our D's wanted to just talk to her over the last few years, she would say "not now, I'm too tired". Not something that MUST be done so she couldn't break out of the fog. I remember trying to tell her how with teenagers, you have to take any chance you can when they actually want to talk to you! That while they were at that age, if they actually make an effort and want to speak to you, you have to take that opportunity, otherwise you'll never get them to say anything. She just couldn't seem to do it unless she was angry or it was something that had to be said right away.

To me I think it just reinforces in my mind the link between depression and MLC. Depression is a subject I had to learn much about because of my W's "major depressive disorder". Funny how having your S tell you they really don't think they want to live can spur you on to learn as much as possible. What they never talk about is how it can push people into a different type of crisis. The kind of crisis we are dealing with with our S's MLC!

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Yes, I know people who are more or less dysfunctional in normal situations and magnificent in emergencies. Their thought processes focus and clarify.

And strange as it sounds
Quote:
I think Smokey was genuinely shocked when I got an attorney. I think it's shocking to him that I would "abandon" him. I see some of that in your situation too. It's like they GENUINELY/SINCERELY cannot fathom that the people that love them would "leave" them when they are so broken. I think he believes he is simply doing what he NEEDS to do for his survival.


I agree with this. My xh is very clear that we abandoned him, when in reality he walked out on his family, had little contact for years and so on . . . .

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Bea,

This is why I love these boards...I don't feel crazeeeeee!!! It's nice to feel validated and have others relate similar experiences. Otherwise, this experience could be so much worse. Grieving through these boards is a blessing.

I had a rough day. No drama or anything...just a lot of worry on my part about money. And, I was having a hard time staying positive.

I got a call back yesterday from Kohl's...only it's a bout a 30 minutes away.

I didn't hear anything else today. Then, my mom called to say that she was cleaning out her closet and wondered if the girls and I wanted to come over for a look before she took everything to Goodwill. Nothing else was going on, so we went. Mom is a terrible shop-a-holic and always has nearly new/new things that she unloads.

I wasn't in a good place to go see her. I should have listened to my gut.

I told her about Kohl's and she responded, "Oh, you can't drive to XX...not with your car."

I cut the conversation short and replied, "Ok."

Then, she proceeded to bring out one or two new outfits she purchased online and asked if she should keep them.

I felt angry. It's hard to see all her reckless spending while I'm so worried about money.

She did email a job she found today about medical billing/coding that I could do at home. I haven't checked it out yet. I will.

I spent a lot of time trying to center myself this morning. I'm not sure I was all that successful. But, I did manage to get out another library application/resume and picked up some groceries, cleaned the kitchen and did some laundry. I also faced up to the bank balance and transferred Smokey's latest deposit over to my account.

Oh, and this didn't help my mood any...I noticed in the mail and strange envelope for Smokey. I opened it because it looked important and I was curious. It was a free stay/plane fare courtesy of the Marriott. I shouldn't have snooped, but I'm glad I had the chance to throw it away.

Feel discouraged and alone tonight.


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Hey Heather,
You are not alone! You have all us LBS's that really love you and believe in you here! You're doing really well, have sent out so many resumes, looked inside, dealt with some awful family dynamics! That's a lot. I too have been feeling "out sorts" but we'll get out of that rut...SOON!

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Thank you Matt. :-) That was really a lovely post of encouragement.

I'm not allowing the wallow bug to get me today! Not happening. I'm feeling hope and I'm choosing to remain in that feeling.

God stirs things up so we reach our potential, our purpose. I will take steps to get closer to that purpose today.


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Well, Houston, we've had a miracle. M.I.R.A.C.L.E.

HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!

D20 revealed to me this morning the extent of her drinking last semester and that she is alcoholic. She said she had a moment in NM when God revealed to her that she can't drink like everyone else.

I will keep you posted, but I'm so GRATEFUL. SO RELIEVED. SO HOPEFUL. SO VALIDATED. I think I've known this since she was small.

I can't begin to say how this gift changes things for me...regardless of what happens and what her journey looks like in the future. This morning, God's love and forgiveness and GRACE came into our lives. God showed me, through my daughter, the TRUTH behind Smokey's choices and showed me the way out...for all of us.

We are going to be OK.

I waited so long for Smokey to say the things that D20 did this morning...and my prayers were answered in a different way than I expected...but, I'm grateful. SO GRATEFUL that my daughter may not head down the path of her dad.

It's going to be ok. A neon sign wouldn't have given me this message as clear as these words from my daughter. :-)


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This ^^^^^ is so cool.

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See Heather,
Just like I said, things will change. Amazing how quickly that can happen sometimes! If only D20's dad could be as strong as she is to be able to admit she has a problem and start to work on it! Someone pointed out to me recently that for some reason it's the influence of the "bad" parent that affects kids the most. It takes an exceptional other parent to help them get past the bad. Looks like that's you!

Another thing to think about... if Smokey hadn't gone off the rails, if things had just remained the same as before the MLC, who knows if your D would have had this revelation? Maybe some good can be found in all the pain and hurt you've been put through?

Just a thought. Glad to see you are feeling better!

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Heather,
Now that your daughter has admitted that she has a problem w/alcohol, I do hope that she will attend the AA meetings. It might help if you attend as well (I think you mentioned that you were going to in postings recently). She needs the support now more than ever and it's serious to mix any meds w/the alcohol.

I do hope that she'll decide to not return to college next semester and will wait until the following one. She needs to get her head together and take care of her health, i.e., depression, etc.

Stay positive and strong.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Quote:
"I Look To You" by Whitney Houston

As I lay me down,
Heaven hear me now.
I'm lost without a cause
After giving it my all.

Winter storms have come
And darkened my sun.
After all that I've been through
Who on earth can I turn to?

I look to you.
I look to you.
After all my strength is gone,
In you I can be strong
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when melodies are gone,
In you I hear a song.
I look to you.

About to lose my breathe,
There's no more fighting left,
Sinking to rise no more,
Searching for that open door.

And every road that I've taken
Lead to my regret.
And I don't know if I'm going to make it.
Nothing to do but lift my head

I look to you.
I look to you.
After all my strength is gone,
In you I can be strong
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when melodies are gone,
In you I hear a song.
I look to you.

My levees are broken
My walls have come
Tumbling down on me

The rain is falling.
Defeat is calling.
I need you to set me free.

Take me far away from the battle.
I need you.
Shine on me.

I look to you.
I look to you.
After all my strength is gone,
In you I can be strong
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when melodies are gone,
In you I hear a song.
I look to you.


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Thank you Job. We are going to a meeting together tonight.

The last 24 hours has been a whirlwind of emotion. There's been great joy and some cathartic bouts of crying for me. D20's realization has brought up a lot of feelings/buried deep for Smokey. As she talked, I was reminded of so many things about him...the good and the bad. She said, "I'm Dad. Does that make me a terrible person?"

I reassured of all the wonderful things about her father...SO MANY WONDERFUL THINGS and I reminded her that his soul has always been pure...the devil was always in the details with Smokey.

God reminded me of someone once telling me that they went to meetings because meetings gave them integrity. It really spoke to me. Without meetings and that spiritual element in my daughter's life, she IS capable of hurting others the way Smokey has hurt us. I was honest with her in a way I've never been honest before.

I told her that, without spiritual support, it's my experience that she becomes an abuser of people. And, I'm not willing to live like that anymore.

I grieved some for my daughter and the reality that this disease will always be a part of her life. I had a good cry.

And, I cried for my husband who is still out there struggling. I was reminded of how much I love him and want so badly for him to see this same light. How sad I am that this beautiful man hasn't been able to save himself or find himself worthy of God's love.

It was freeing to tell my daughter that my heart is still full of love for her father. No matter what happens it was good. It was good for her to know that the love doesn't go away just because someone is sick--it's not turned off like a faucet--but, that I'm moving forward without him and trusting God to care for him. And, it was nice to admit how much I miss him...AND to have the validation that this addiction changes people from who they are meant to be into the opposite. How, sobriety for the alcoholic--with humility and surrender--truly brings the person's true heart back into balance.

I also had the girls and I hold hands and pray together. They thought it was silly at first, but it was good.

It also put things into perspective. Everything We go through in this life becomes a part of the this intricate quilt that eventually means something...It all creates this purpose. Moses couldn't have set his people free if he hadn't had this complicated set of trials...being abandoned, being a king/but not, living in the wilderness as a lowly sheep herder, being Hebrew/but not, being Egyptian/but not...all of it came together, at the right time, to make HIM the perfect person to lead others out of the darkness. You can't help others find their out of the darkness if YOU'VE never been there. This all means something. "Nothing we've been through will be wasted." T.D. Jakes.

I applied to seven more reporter/writing jobs yesterday and one local Kohl's job this morning. Sometimes God wants us to just take one more step an that's what I'm doing. Somehow, the town's opinion of me/my inlaws/the harsh judgment...none of it really matters anymore. I will do what I have to do and I will be ok.

Yesterday, went on a hike with the girls. Cleaned some of the garage so the Jeep could fit.

Last edited by LoisB; 07/24/14 02:14 PM.

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Heather,
Have you checked out craigslist for employment opportunities? They have a section for writers and you could post resume on there as searching for work. Set up a yahoo or google email address and that way you can screen the responses w/o giving your real home email address.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I will take a look Job. Thanks! :-)


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Wow! So glad for you!!! I pray you can heal as a family.


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Had a strange day.

Mowed for a good portion of the back yard after I couldn't look at the computer/jobs a single minute longer. I got a big section of the yard done.

The Forester texted me and starting flirting. I did a strange thing for me. I always have these big ideas/thoughts while mowing. It's very meditative for me. Anyway, I told him that if he was interested in just sex, then I'm not his girl. I said that I appreciated the attention and it was fun when I was feeling that insecurity that comes from being cheated on...but, I'm in a different place now and I know I won't die from being alone. I'm ok being alone...even dealing with the loneliness for a bit. He texted back that he hopes we can still be friends. The rejection stung a bit, but I'm ok. I think I will probably hear from him again...but I'm glad I set a boundary.

Went to a meeting tonight with D20. She introduced herself as alcoholic. The top was "removing self from self-will." Boy, does she fit. I'm glad I went.

Mom went too. She is definitely anger with me right now. She got angry on the way about some weird stuff. Anyway, tried to stay in my own lane.

Feeling lots of fear about money. I looked on craigslist. I think I found a low paying writing job that could help me get by until something better comes along. I hope.


Last edited by LoisB; 07/25/14 02:02 AM.

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Gotta get this fear back in check. It really slows me down and keeps me stuck.


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Heather I just read through this thread. IT is so wonderful that you and your girls are beginning a journey of recover together. It took a lot of bravery for your daughter to face her problems. You know too well that is something much older adults are still not able to do.

I Googled Journey from Abandonment. .. with my therapist today. She hadn't heard of it before but was excited about what she read. She ordered me the new addition that comes out in September. I am excited to get started reading.


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S11 (special needs)

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Julie,

I'm so glad you discussed the book with your therapist. It truly changed me and my life...at least, it's starting to. :-)

If you go onto her website, you can download the workbook...which is WONDERFUL. I highly suggest it.

Yes, I think D20 is going to be ok. At least, we now know the medicine she needs to take to keep her life in check and avoid the train wreck her father's life has caused. I feel very blessed. There has been a lot of laughing in our house these past few days. We have a cat that has a serious catnip problem. We've been calling her a "Niphead" and D20 keeps cracking me up by coaching our cat to "put her sobriety first because it's the most important thing."

Last night, driving home from the meeting, D20 said to me, "Ya know mom, all that talk about removing the self from "self-will" and I just kept thinking...'I don't have a problem with this' Every one else seems to have this problem. Not me. THEN, it occurred to me...THIS IS EXACTLY the problem that everyone keeps telling me THEY have with ME. That I act entitled and selfish...maybe I DO HAVE THIS PROBLEM."

Hallelujah.

I have to admit, though, sitting in the meeting, there was a moment when I saw my life as a bystander...Unemployed, one daughter on the Autism Spectrum and another alcoholic, an MIA spouse, in the middle of a dissolution with so many uncertainties in the future, a somewhat narcisstic family who sometimes still gets angry with me for being too dependent on them/unable to stand on my own two feet = family issues..."AHHHHHH!!!" Part of me wanted to run out of the meeting screaming..."I'm heading to the hills, don't try to find me."

I didn't. I came home and laughed with my daughters about our Niphead cat.

Today, I'm creating a writing sample for this sweatshop-type writing company that provides web content. I should be able to get this gig. They pay $20 per 400 word story with a limit of 80 stories per month. I can do it for a bit.

I think the reality of D11 being without childcare while I work outside the home has hit my mother. She is now looking at in-home jobs for me. All these years...and, now that I've applied all over the place...the reality that she may be asked to alter her life to help watch D11...She's not liking that too much. She just doesn't help...ever...unless I ask and when I do...she is very firm about how long D11 stays with her. I'm not sure why because D11 isn't a behavior problem anymore. IDK. My mom has helped me in different ways...but, helping me with D11...not so much. And, the reality that I may need help isn't too appealing to her. She volunteers two places, works part-time and shops...She's not looking to mess that up.

The plot continues to thicken over here at Lake Wobegon. Stay tuned. :-)


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Smokey left the week Whitney Houston died. I grew to hate the song, "I will Always Love You."

And, in another of God's strange twists...I like to listen to music when I pray and I've been drawn to her music and that of her funeral in recent weeks. It's been very healing for me.

She was a beautiful addict who created quite the mess in her life and that of her family. She lost the battle.

Anyway, anyone looking for a spiritual experience, I would suggest listening on Youtube to her version of R. Kelly's "I Look to You." Follow it up with R. Kelly singing it at her funeral.

MLC and Addiction seem to have so many similarities. In both cases, you have watch someone destroy their own life and your own and that of your children. Sometimes it's easy to lose sight that we are the lucky ones...and how many beautiful people have been lost to battles of the soul.

Last edited by LoisB; 07/25/14 01:44 PM.

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I was listening to this song and I checked my emails. I got a response from a publisher in a small Upper New York State town. They are creating some project and would like to talk to me. :-)

Quote:
I was in a tunnel
And couldn't see the light
And whenever I'd look up
I couldn't see the sky
Sometimes when I'm standin'
It seems like I done walked for miles
And my heart could be cryin'
Dead in the middle of a smile

But then I climbed the hills
And saw the mountains
I hollered help 'cause I was lost
Then I felt the strong wind
Heard a small voice sayin'

The storm is over
The storm is over now
And I can see the sunshine
Somewhere beyond the clouds
I feel Heaven, yeah
Heaven is over me
Come on and set me free

Now in the midst of my battle
All hope was gone
Downtown in a rushed crowd
And felt all alone
Every now and then
I felt like I would lose my mind
I've been racin' for years
And still no finish line, oh

But then I climbed the hills
And saw the mountains
I hollered help 'cause I was lost
Then I felt the strong wind
And then a small voice sayin'

The storm is over
The storm is over now
And I can see the sunshine
Somewhere beyond the clouds
I can feel Heaven, yeah
Heaven is over me
Come on and set me free

Somehow my beginnin' stepped right in
Then faith became my friend
And now I can depend
On the voices of the wind
When it's sayin'

The storm is over
The storm is over now
And I can see the sunshine
Somewhere beyond the clouds
I can feel Heaven, yeah
Heaven is over me
Won't you come and set me free?
Won't you set me free?

The storm is over
The storm is over now
And I can see the sunshine
Somewhere beyond the clouds
I can feel Heaven, yeah
Heaven is over me
Won't you come and set me free?

Won't you come and set me free
Just like, if that guy can see the light, shinin'
Somewhere beyond the clouds
If that guy can see the light, shinin'
Take it down, down
If that guy can see the light, shinin'
The day is going, world is runnin'
The clouds moving, the sun shinin'
I made it home, I made it home
Prayin' for a pot of gold

The storm is over now
I'am telling you I could see the light
Somewhere beyond the clouds
I can feel Heaven over me
Heaven is over me
Come and set me free
Come and set me free
Won't you come and set me free?

Read more: R. Kelly - The Storm Is Over Now Lyrics | MetroLyrics


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I love upstate NY:-). Glad to hear you are getting some responses. That's a nice confidence booster!



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Quote:
What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality. Plutarch


I've struggled the past few days and I noticed that I stepped away from the inner work I was doing. Lost a bit of the focus on the abandonment work I was doing. I've been praying, but not making the effort to change my actions/habits. All the prayer in the world won't make a bit of different if I don't DO things differently.

So, today, getting back at it. Have my workbook out.

Took a walk with the girls this morning. Sent them on an errand so I will have an hour without anyone!!! Yesterday, I was desperately wanting some time to myself to get my head right and my girls have been very stuck to me. D20 is stuck because of her admission/getting honest about school/alcoholism and D11 is stuck to me because of our uncertain future. I get it and I'm trying to BE there for THEM...but, I need some clarity and that comes when I have a little alone time.

Powerful feelings I'm dealing with right now.

Had a strange dream about Smokey last night. I think it's showing growth on my part. He had simply moved back in when no one was looking. He was acting as if nothing had changed. I noticed him in the kitchen and saw how terrible he looked. He had gained weight and looked like an aging, middle-aged man who didn't take very good care of himself. He didn't look ANYTHING like himself. I commented on it. He said it was because his hair was different. I disagreed and said, "No, you just look terrible." I wasn't angry, but I wasn't sure I wanted him in our home. He said he had lost his job and was working two low-paying jobs. I asked about OW and told him that, if she was still in the picture, he needed to leave. There was one point where I felt angry...he had confided that he had stayed at the Ritz-Carlton after he had been evicted and lost his job. But, I regained my composure and I remember thinking...Heather, use the DB techniques. Don't bash him. Step back. VALIDATE, BUT set some firm boundaries...then asked myself, "DO I really want him back here? What if OW is still hanging around?"

I'm not sure of the answer. I know it was a firm NO if OW was in the picture. I like the part where I didn't see him as all handsome and stuff. He was a very average, dumpy-looking guy who had a low-paying job and wasn't at all appealing. I think this is healthy for me. My subconscious is taking him down from the pedestal.

Last edited by LoisB; 07/26/14 05:41 PM.

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Interesting dream, Heather. It could be not too far from the reality.


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I need to journal a bit this morning. I feel myself spinning.

Yesterday, I had some insights into the heavy criticism running through my head 24/7. The Prozac seems to really help by way of making it something I can actually catch and respond to. I think, in part, I'm just wired this way. But, I know I was also surrounded by a lot of damaged people who see judging/criticism as a hobby.

Anyway, the coffers are getting low and I'm scared.

I have a job interview on the 30th for a retail job. It's a bit of a drive, but God put a mechanic in my path when I went to the A.A. meeting. He is just starting out and willing to give me a deal on the things needing done on the Jeep. This is a huge blessing. He said he would charge me $60 for an alignment.

I have a ton of follow ups I could do for all the resumes I sent out.

Also, I have agreed to tutor the student with the sexual issues at his home. I can't decide what to charge, however. I don't want to be stuck there too long. I'm thinking 2 hours a session is about what I'm able to do. I was charging $375 when he came to our house, but that was three full days. The mom is really excited that I'm willing to help. I'm seeing it as temporary.

Just feeling some fear and overwhelm. I will get through it.

I will call the mechanic.

I also need a haircut. I'm willing to go cheap...really just need the back evened out...I'm growing out a pixie.

Oh, and D20 has gotten back into her piggly ways. My mom called her yesterday to invite her to a meeting where a young woman was giving her first lead. D20 said she would go, but "forgot."

I prepped myself for this. I knew this would happen and I'm proud of how I handled it. I didn't get all into her business. But, I did set a boundary and reminded her that she promised to mow a section of the yard...she did...imperfectly, but it's done. Also, when she asked me for the umpteenth time if we were moving...I reminded her to focus on herself, that I'm turning it over to God. And, when she used our financial situation as an excuse, again, for not going back to school...I reminded her, gently, that her drinking played a part in that decision and asked her to remember that she has a few mountains to climb of her own. So sorta, in a nice way, told her to Please remove your head from my a$$. :-)

I knew it was coming. This will not be easy, but in some way, relatively speaking, it won't be as hard.

I see her stuck to me and waffling a bit. Afraid of the things she needs to handle right now...call off school, go to meetings, get a sponsor, etc...I'm willing to help with the meetings.


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Heather,
To add to your daughter's list...she needs a job and help w/expenses while she's home.

That's great news about the mechanic. One repair at a time.

Follow up on your resumes today and see where you are on their interview lists. Don't put this off.

Is your daughter passive-aggressive? The reason I ask is the way that she mowed the lawn after you spoke to her about it.

Stick the boundaries w/her and she'll eventually get the message...but it's not just your problem about the college finances...but hers as well.

Good luck today w/the mechanic.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks Job. Yes, she can be passive-A about some things, but this one was more laziness. Then, she was apologetic. She is at work today. I'm liking that.

I visited a friend and vented some. It felt good.

More venting:

Today, I feel angry. I'm a good person. I'm sick of kids. Every effin time I turn around one of my kids needs me and I suck it up and I do what I need to do. I'm sick of having NO GD break from kids. I'm angry that I've done a bunch of footwork and God still hasn't given me a clear path outta hell. I'm angry that both windows on the Jeep refuse to go up. I'm angry that I'm running out of money. I'm angry that I'm still struggling and I'm angry that it was ALL laid in my lap to handle. I didn't deserve ALL of THIS...Autism, D20's alcoholism, full financial responsibility of D20, full parenting responsibilities of both girls, EVERYTHING. I'm angry that things don't seem to get easier, just more struggling. I'm angry that I'm smart and I'm skilled and I'm angry that Smokey is a big D-bag and he got to start over...found a job within a week and moved within a month and it's not so easy for me. I just want a break. Is that too much to ask? Seriously? Windows that work? And, then, to work so hard on this business and have this kid with the sexual issues jeopardize it all and to promote and promote and not have stupid students to pay the bills. I'm angry and sick of it...And Smokey is stupid. STUPID. I hate him today. And the OW can go suck on a rock. And, every effin time I turn around D11 is there. Right there, needing me, needing me and needing me some more...needing me to be strong and critique an outfit or drive her somewhere or listen or just be THERE. I would like someone to be there for me. And the Forester is stupid too. He is stupid for being stupid and weird and selfish and not admitting he had feelings for me. Stupid. It's all stupid and I'm tired of transition and I'm ready for something good. Ugh.

It's good for me to get angry. I haven't been angry enough.

Car goes in tomorrow. My mother sounded "thrilled" to have to pick me up when I took it to the mechanic. I paid two bills...glad I did because we almost had shut off on the electric and the Internet went off this morning...back on now. I dealt with it.

Last edited by LoisB; 07/28/14 05:57 PM.

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Jeep: have you checked the fuse?

if neither go up (and theres just 2) and they both quit at the same time, the first place to look is the fuse.


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They were working, previously, if you pushed on the console hard enough. The green light doesn't come on now at all. I don't think it's that big of a deal to fix. It's going in for an alignment, oil changes and window fix tomorrow.

Things will get better. Just needed to vent.

Thanks for trying to help Ken. :-)


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then it sounds like the connection is coming off the back of the switches. they should pop out easy enough and just reseat the wiring harness. or if the switches had gotten wet before, it may be rust/corrosion.

and no problem. if it helps take a little load off, then its worth the tiny amount of time/effort i put in.


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Thank you. Nice people are out there. I need to remember this.

Today, my new favorite expression is, "Go Pi$$ up a rope."

In a perfect world, the President of the United States would send Smokey and Skank a letter from the White House saying that they have officially been denaturalized and ordered to live in Siberia where they would work as potato farmers for the rest of their lives. The President would tell them they have 24 hours to get out of the country. He would say that they are poor examples of citizens and don't deserve to live in a free country.

And, he would end it by saying,

"Go pi$$ up a rope, both of you. Heather didn't deserve this."

Then, I would feel better. It could happen.

Last edited by LoisB; 07/28/14 06:47 PM.

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Don't you feel that the folks in Siberia have enough to deal with what with the weather, government and all? Just sayin

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Point taken Bea.

Let's send them to he!!. The President of the United States will denaturalize and "evict" Smokey and the skank to He!! for being truly reprehensible, morally-vacant, shallow, ego-driven people.

If the Prez helps me out, I might even consider becoming a democrat.

But, I will need a billboard in town reading, "Hi, I'm Smokey and I'm the Mayor of Cheaterville."


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So last night was a bit rough...felt myself giving into the fear. I took a decent amount of action yesterday...but felt/heard those negative messages drilling me hard before bed.

Before I fell asleep, I tried to reach the angry Heather. I got still and focused on the anger and I saw this really horrific image of a child--age 10? 12? huddled in a corner of a very dark, impoverished-looking room...very Dickens.

Her hair was matted, long and matted...as if she had been there a very long time. She was dirty and neglected and enraged at being left to die while others put themselves first.

I felt this deep desire to clean her up, listen to her and supply her with everything she has been lacking...attention, understanding, love, compassion, care...she has been ignored.

I'm going to clean her up and give her a cute pixie cut to get rid of matted hair and I'm going to listen to her...really listen... then, I'm going to trust God today and see where leads.

I'm going to keep the gospel music playing continually today.


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It's the anger that leads me to the River of Wallow and Self-Doubt and Fear and Depression...the anger leads me to my own self-destruction because I try to ignore it.

It's a fine line between recognizing it, without blaming, and using it to move forward.

I'm so accustomed to being mistreated that I now mistreat myself. I'm one of Pavlov's dogs...I've learned to hurt myself/live in lack/live in stress/live in poverty (financially, emotionally, spiritually) because I don't feel I deserve any better...I took the cue and ran with it.

I'm pushing out that neglect today...it's not good enough any more. I deserve better.


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Just spent some time with my mother. Need to vent a bit.

She called me at 8:50 to say that she would be there at 9 a.m. She wasn't, but this is an improvement for my mom. I didn't have to call and remind her about needing her to pick me up. I think the anger I expressed, somewhat, about her last bailout with the STC lunch, made an impression. I only had to tell her once that I needed a ride. She was about 20 minutes late, but I'm grateful for the pick up.

The subtle criticism began almost immediately. As I was leaving, I was telling the mechanic the list of things I needed him to address and mom chimed in, "Just rebuild the car." Ha ha.

I kept my boundaries up as she took me home.

First question: "How are you paying for these repairs?"
Me: "I'm just paying for this."
Mom: "Do you have any money?"
Me: "Yes, but it's getting low."
Mom: "Do you have five dollars?"
Me: "Like right now?"
Mom: "No, do you have more than five dollars?"
Me: "Yes. I have more than five dollars."

I remained calm and simply answered the questions as they came.

She, then, opened up the conversation about D20 and her drinking. She said, and I think this is really interesting, "I don't want her to go to one A.A. meeting, say she is Alcoholic, and then drop it. M-kay. Me either. Duh. I agreed, was polite.

I could be wrong, but the way she said it was more of an image thing...it wasn't so much about D20's well-being as it was about mom holding up her reputation in A.A. (38 years sober and all--star of the 12-steppers). I agreed and said I was trying to let D20 handle her recovery.

This kinda fits in with my calling mom last week and asking her to take me and D20 to a meeting. My mom's first response was, "Can we go next week?" Now, the night before, D20 had stayed up until 3 a.m. revealing all her sordid drinking this last year and how she believed herself to be alcoholic...Anyway...interesting...

Then, mom wanted to continue by analyzing D20...giving me her take on things. And, I found THIS really interesting...

I told mom that I saw D20 waivering a bit about being an alcoholic, but expected that. I said that I think D20 is very disappointed in how D20 expected/hoped to be able to go have the "normal" college experience with a sorority and drinking and everything else and discovered she couldn't because of her drinking. I said that last night I was surprised when D20 told a friend of mine that she wasn't going back to school because of money. I didn't correct it...not a big deal, but I told my mom I found it interesting that she doesn't bring up her drinking or grades when she tells people about choosing to sit this one out. Again, I'm cool with whatever D20 says...but, I noticed she vacillates some when taking responsibility.

My mom says, "Oh, I told her to say that. I told her to tell people that it's because of money. I know D20 is full of shame because she is not going back to school. This is hard for her Heather, she is embarrassed about not going back."

Ok. I get the shame part. I do. And, I won't influence D20 to say one way or another about her reasons for staying home...it's the actions I'm more concerned about...But, after a bit, I was thinking... Isn't getting honest about your drinking and the consequences part of getting sober? I'm not sure I agree with my mom's advice on this one. Why is my mom encouraging her to keep quiet? Is MY MOM ASHAMED?


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There's more.

Oh, and I should preface this by saying that last night I overhead D20 and her bestie discussing mom's spending. They were discussing how she was deciding on whether to buy the pink Louis v bag or the brown one...on sale for $185 from $1,100. Apparently, she sits for hours and online shops. She can't get into her closet. Felt some resentment about that.

So after I was corrected about D20's public reasons for sitting out a semester, I felt tension...anger...Kept my mouth shut.

Mom: "Has D20 applied to any more jobs?"
Me: "I'm not sure."
Mom: "I wish she would apply at Kohl's."
Me: "I did."
Mom: "Full or part-time?"

Mom: "Have you heard anything from the attorney?"
Me: "Nope."
Mom: "Are you still thinking of leaving Smokey the house?"
Me: "I'm not sure. Just when I think I have made a decision...a neighbor or friend reminds me of the roots I have here and I begin to wonder what is the right path for us all. I've praying hard and doing the footwork, I wish God would make it a bit clearer what direction He wants me to go. I'm ready for things to get a bit easier."

Me: "At the meeting the other night, I felt some frustration and resentment that I've been left to deal with ALL of this...D20's drinking problem, college, D11's Asperger's, etc...I'm really trying to trust that ALL of this has some reason behind it. But, I'm really tired of Purgatory."

Mom: "Has Smokey contacted the girls?"
Me: "No, almost 3 months and I'm actually relieved. I actually hope it continues because...the longer he goes without contact, I think the more choices I will have in terms of where I can move/live, etc..."
Mom: "I agree."

Somehow the conversation got a little lighter and I joked that I'm ready for things to be a little easier. I said I've been doing the footwork and praying and I wish God would show me a clear path...but, I felt her judgment on whether I was really doing the footwork...I know it sounds paranoid...it's not...just wait...this time I have proof.

We get home and D11 asks if she can go to the fair with her friend. So, I start scrambling for change and dollars to put together for D11. I go into executive mode and organize D11's trip to the fair and D20 to pick up the Jeep after work...etc...D20 gives me a little attitude because I take the $13 in her purse to give to D11. (I had given D20 a $20 the other day in order to buy a watermelon). D20 then argues, but I bought a pie too...I never asked for a pie...

I come up with $17 dollars to give D11.

Mom: "$17!!!!!! Seriously? That's too much. I wouldn't give her $17!"
Me: "Mom, you used to give me $20 way back when...things are more expensive now and she has to buy a ticket to get in."
Mom: "I wouldn't give her $17, I'd give her $12 or I'd just say you can't go to the fair."

Me...let it go...let it go...

Mom: "Why are you guys buying a pie? You don't need pie."

The pie was $5 and we ate it for dinner one night.

I reached my limit with this one.

Me: "Why are you buying countless sets of antique silverware?"

Then, things lightened up a bit. We watched Monty Python's Confuse-a-Cat to start off the day on a lighter note.

On her way out the door, Mom mentions what I NEED to do to keep Burt the Snake out of the garden. It's because I need to pick up my piles of weeds and move them.

Ok. I have 3 acres to mow, a job to find, two demanding children, a broken down Jeep, a dissolution in the works...And, this from the woman who will go over, on her weekends, to weed for the man who abused her and her children for two decades.

Mom: You need to move these weed piles.
Me: I will add that to my list mom.

After she left, I felt that I had actually stood up for myself. It wasn't in what I said, but in how I felt. I maintained my anger which...in a strange way...was really healing. I didn't convince myself that it was unwarranted or that I didn't have the right to feel it because my mom is whatever and has done whatever. I ALLOWED myself to feel it.

I'm sick of double standards.

Walked away seeing more clearly how my mother's fear, guilt, shame, whatever, run the show and how I've allowed her subtle jabs to pull me down.

I love my mom with all my heart...but, she uses me to feel better about herself. She justifies her own selfish/bad behavior by analyzing my life and coming up with reasons for NOT helping. She keeps me down and continues on her merry way. I'm tired of this dynamic. It's going to stop. And, I think I took some small steps in that direction today.

D20 is at work. D11 is going to the fair. I'm going to take a long bubble bath and ? maybe get back to some jobs/write for money.

Last edited by LoisB; 07/29/14 03:14 PM.

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Ok. So feeling empowered. Trusting God. Praying this morning for His Guidance.

A potential client calls. Her son needs help. His dad died suddenly over the summer and he's angry and sullen and she is besides herself with what to do. I told her that I would meet with her on Thursday to discuss the situation. I'm willing to meet her. IDK.

Just when I think God will zig, He zags. The timing was pretty weird.


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Hey Heather,

I'm glad you are able to see lots of this stuff with your mom and D20 clearly. Keep on keepin' on!

I also have a D20 and remember clearly what a pain in the butt I was at 20. It's a rough go. My thoughts are with you.

In regards to your fair discussion, I was sitting here with a WTF expression on my face. It's like your mom treats you as though you are 12 and blowing your allowance on pop rocks instead of saving it for something she deems worthwhile. That's bad enough, but to get lectured by your daughter? Ick!

Somehow I think you need to get your mom to understand that undermining you in front of your girls is really limiting your ability to parent them. As her how she'd have felt if someone did that to her when she was raising you?

I know you've been talking to your D20 about having respectful communications with you. Good for you. And I'd encourage more of that in these instances. You don't need a parent right now -- you need support. And what's it to them if you give D11 $17 for the fair? (BTW, I had to laugh when you got to the part of the antique silverware.)

Maybe you could just ask your mom to keep her dissenting comments to you privately? I'd love to see her stop treating you as though you are an idiot 12 year old, but we can't change her.

It's encouraging to see you standing up to her, Heather. For some reason, she thinks you need a parent. It might be up to you to tell her that while you understand a parent always worries about a child - no matter the age - you need a positive friend in your life and no more parenting because you're more than capable.

I personally think that the more independent you are and earning income without having to put yourself in the position of being indebted to anyone, the better you'll feel about your circumstances, the less angry and resentful you'll become, the more empowered you will be, and the more likely you will be able to tell these negative Nancys to butt the heck out of your business.

Keep going. You're doing awesome!

Betsey


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Hi again,
The $17 vs. $12 reminded me of my W before B-day (she was already in MLC, I just didn't know it yet). I would tell my D (17 at the time) to be home by, say 12:30 AM. Before I talked to her I spoke with W and she had agreed to that time. Well, I would tell D that she must be back by 12:30, no if's, ands or buts and when D would complain (I could have said 2:00 and she would have complained) W would say "Gee, Matt, why not just give her to 12:45?". D would see an opening and BAM! big fight that could have been avoided by both of us just sticking to our guns! What the heck is the difference between 12:30 and 12:45 except to get over on me, control the situation, cause problems? The $5 difference wasn't worth her saying a word about except to be controlling, no doubt about it!

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Thank you Betsey :-) You da bomb.

Followed up on some resumes today. There's one in a small town in Vermont that's particularly appealing for today. I have an interview at Kohl's tomorrow--hence the car repair today...It would be a drive, but I'm feeling like my self-esteem could use the break from more judgment and more town discussion.

It reminds me of when my Grandmother was left by my Grandfather for his secretary. She was the bank president's wife and had to go work in the underwear department in the local department store. While I'm not afraid to do that...I know I could if I had to...And, I have profound admiration for my Grandmother for having that courage...I will avoid the shame that I know more people will try to INFLICT upon me right now. I'd much prefer to quietly earn some extra money while I get things straight. It feels good to make a decision for myself without the nagging pressure of the Internal Critic...a decision based upon what Adult Heather believes is BEST for Heather...not Heather forcing herself to do something in order to please or make others respect her. What they think of me is done of my damn business. I will work where I find it.

Little worried about what the mechanic will come back with pricewise...but, I will turn it over.

Quote:
Spiritual Song of the Day
"I'm not Tired Yet" sung by the Mississippi Mass Choir on Youtube. (I am a lil tired actually)

I'm Not Tired Yet

Been working for Jesus a long time
(I'm not tired yet)

Been running for Jesus a long time
(I'm not tired yet)

Been working for Jesus a long time
(I'm not tired yet) Repeat

Been singing for Jesus a long time
(I'm not tired yet) Repeat

Been running by day and praying by night
(I'm not tired yet)

I've gotta get going it's a mighty hard fight
(I'm not tired yet)

No...
(No... I'm not tired yet) (4x)

I've been serving the Lord a long time
(I'm not tired yet)

I've been serving the God a long time
(I'm not tired yet)

I've been living for Him a long time
(I'm not tired yet)

I've been living for God a long time
(I'm not tired yet)

I've been praying to Him a long time
(I'm not tired yet) repeat
It's an uphill journey but I'm on my way
(I'm not tired yet)

Working for Jesus all I've got to say is
(I'm not tired yet)

No... (No. I'm not tired yet) 4x

Sometimes my burdens press me down
(I'm not tired yet)

Sometimes I hasten to higher ground
(I'm not tired yet)

Sometime I can hardly see my way
(I'm not tired yet)

So I got on my knees and I begin to pray
(I'm not tired yet)

No... (No. I'm not tired)

Running for Jesus
(Running for Jesus)

I'm running for Jesus
(Running for Jesus)

Running for Jesus
(Running for Jesus) 3x

Running by day
(Running for Jesus)

And by night
(Running for Jesus)

Keep on running
(Running for Jesus) 2x

Lay aside ???
And awake in sin
Run with patience
The race set before me

Running for Jesus
(Running for Jesus)

I've got to run
While the sun is shining

N0... (No... I'm not tired yet) 4x

Running for Jesus
(Running for Jesus)

Running by Grace
(Running for Jesus)

Running by Mercy
(Running For Jesus)

Grace is official
Mercy endure
I gotta keep on running
I gotta story to tell
I gotta tell somebody
About King Jesus

You see He saved me
And then He filled me
With the Father and Holy Ghost

I wanna tell somebody
That the wages of sin
Is death
But the gift of God
Is eternal life

Choir lets run
And tell somebody
Jesus is love
Jesus is a savior

He is my keeper

(No... I'm not tired yet)

I gotta keep on running


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P.S. D20 has not been blatantly obnoxious to me since she came back from the N.M. Trip from Hell.

Can we all say, "Hallelujah!!!"

And, I feel armed and ready if she tries. :-) All this Gospel music is sinking into my soul...Y'all better watch yourselves...Heather is taking no shid and has Jesus fighting her battles. :-) Nooooooooo, I'm not tired yet...Gotta keep on running...


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Didn't get the Amish Country Reporter job...they gave it to an in-house sports reporter. That's ok. God's got a plan.

New Thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2473825#Post2473825


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“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

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