I think that the more honorable approach is to tell her beforehand. Don't sandbag her or blind side her. IMO, that's just the right thing to do regardless.
Funny, if the A's were ongoing, I'd file in a minute. But they look to be over. Could be she's just gone underground or is trying to throw me off.
Regarding R. I don't know what's even possible. Can't tell without input from the other side, can we. I know I've been reading up on postnup agreements.
Regarding D. I just read your thread (it's locked, BTW). W went out the other night at 6:30 for a "business meeting". I believe the meeting was with a woman.
As W left, my D looked at me and said "Who has a business meeting at 6:30?" I said nothing. I won't trash W, nor will I cover for her. I just went over to D and gave her a big long hug. When W came home at 10:15, D said "Mom's home from her 'business meeting'".
I've noticed eye rolls from D when W has gone out in the evening "with her friends".
I don't think D is missing anything.
We enjoy watching movies together in the evenings, though.
It does seem like you are as prepared as you can be for this.
I admire how you are handling it.
Hang in there, I am praying for a positive outcome for you and your WAW.
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
W will receive a letter from L next week advising that he has been retained to dissolve M, and giving her a few weeks to respond if she wants to do a collaborative D. If not, I will litigate a contested D, or she will file first, or...
So, it will be D or R, but I'm taking open M off the table. I have no idea how W will react, but I don't believe it will be with any kind words in my direction. I suspect that this will be just one more way that I'm "controlling her."
BTW, I believe W is no longer seeing OM, but it seems she is still convinced she is better off without me, and I am the root of all her problems. There is no sign of any responsibility on her part either for the demise of M, or for her serial infidelity. I feel sorry for W. I think she really needs help, but it's her life, she's got to live it as she sees best. So regardless of how I feel about the wisdom of her decisions, I have no input. If this is the "new W", I really want no part of her; she seems to have abandoned all virtue. (but I guess that's subjective, isn't it.) She is also very intent on blaming me for everything, forever. That grudge is going to be a big load to carry. She is firmly anchored to the past.
I'm not giving this much hope, but I am proceeding in the most civil way possible, not ruling anything out. I am so over this now, that I believe I will be able to get through this without any anger. My focus is on forgiveness and getting something stable in place as soon as possible for me and kids (where everything isn't my fault). I'm future bound.
Part of me wants this over yesterday. I've been looking at houses for sale, and there's one that's just come open that looks just perfect for me and my hobbies. Price is right, needs some reno (perfect if I'm single with time on my hands) but I'm sure it will sell before I'm able to buy.
Wow. You've got this all figured out as I expected. Good job. I truly think you are moving forward and have an idea and a plan. Too bad if your W misses out on this Z version.
I'm sure you'll have some interesting news in the next week or two. Good luck whichever way the cookie crumbles.
It's about a year, give or take a few weeks, from when W's EA started. There have been at least 3 PA's since.
Yesterday morning I took W aside to say that since she had no interest in working on R, and since I would not stand for an open M, that left few options. Told her I would have my L start dissolution and that she would hear from him soon. Told her it was the very last thing I wanted to do.
She said it was all my fault and that she was "done" a year ago. I said anything was possible if we both wanted it, and we all have our own choices to make and left it at that.
So there, I gave her a heads-up of what was to come - no blindsiding.
I called L and told him to send the letter to W. I felt an enormous weight lifted from my shoulders. I had drawn my "no open M" line in the sand a couple of months ago. I meant it.
Today I received my copy of L's letter to W, so presumably W will get her copy in the mail today.
Sad that it's come to this, but happy to know that I'm a just a few months away from something different than this daily drama.
Of course, I have no idea what will happen next. W is so, so, so out of character that anything could happen. Or this may be who she now is. Doesn't really matter. I'll deal with it all with dignity, and I think, maybe naïvely, that anything is better than what's going on now.
W has no remorse, takes no responsibility at all; she seems very hurt and resentful, can't get past it, and her response is retaliation. After a year of IC, she doesn't seem to have learned anything about resentment, forgiveness or how to let go and move forward. I suspect her C is more the pro-D "you deserve happiness" type. W needs co-dependency help. (imho) In spite of my 180's, which she's noticed, she is still unwilling/unready to do anything but hurt me.
W has accused me of being controlling. Was it controlling of me to force this decision on W? No - she can still do what she's doing, she just can't do it to me. Right now, my future is utter chaos, D is all but certain. I in no way feel in control of anything. However, my engine's purring, and I have a full tank of gas.
Zew, I'll tell you the same thing I told my own daughter when she broke up with her ex:
"I respect you for fighting to try to make it work, and now I respect you for knowing that you had to walk away."
You've shown much strength, honor and level-headed planning throughout your ordeal, and I THINK I've been with you from the beginning? Most aren't able to do that, and one of my regrets is that those following along won't (yet?) get the lesson of the right way to do things.
It's just that there aren't any guarantees, as you know, and all we can each do is what gives us the BEST CHANCE at saving our marriage. At the end of the day (end of the year?), the choice is -- ultimately -- our wayward spouse's to make.
Proud of you Zew- not only for sticking to your stance and taking action that I think is necessary (although I'm sure not easy to do), but also sounds like you're feeling good about yourself.
Hang in there- you never know what the future holds!
