Again, I'm not counting on an effect here - this is kind of the last call for Zew letter. This is the one I put out as the standing offer. It's the one that maybe she reads a few months down the road if she ever bottoms out, and gives her some hope.
I'm looking for anyone to catch me on anything controlling, judgmental, score keeping, blaming or just over the top.
W,
I wanted to reaffirm my position.
I am sorry we're at this point; I fully accept responsibility for my part in it.
I am sorry I that I did not recognize your attempts to communicate your unhappiness to me.
I do not want to divorce; I believe reconciliation has more to offer us and our family.
If you choose to join me you will find that I am fully committed to working on our issues, including my own that brought us to this point.
I know it will take a leap of faith. I believe that if we let go of the anger and resentment and commit to honest, open communication that we can succeed.
I have always had the belief that if we worked together, we could overcome any challenge. We have overcome many over the years. I would like to think we can do that again now. There is a lot of help available to us if we decide to make things work.
I so much want to get out of the rut we've been in and get back to spending time with you and doing things as a couple and with other people.
We have misconceptions about each other that could be resolved if we communicated directly with each other.
I welcome you having an active role in our finances because we could actually start planning what we want to spend for us and for the kids.
I still believe in us. We both want the best for our kids, and we both want a more balanced and more fulfilling marriage than we had. If we stop clinging to past wrongs and focus on the future, we can ask each other for what we want and need, and build a relationship that satisfies us both. I do want to see you happy.
We have to move on from where we are. I am not willing to live in an open marriage and we cannot work on our marriage as long as there is a third person involved.
We each have big decisions to make as to how to proceed from here. Please let me know your thoughts.
I'm no expert at all, but I thought that was really great. Didn't come across as judgemental in any way. It's your thoughts and feelings, and perhaps most importantly it's pretty authentic and genuine. Of course, she will probably not respond, but you will have placed your thoughts and feelings on paper. Nice.
Thanks for the response, Dev. I added a few things since, but I think I'm safe.
She just asked me for some cash, for while I'm gone. I hate it, because I know she will use it for the salon visit before seeing OM next week, and she was also looking for enough cash to do a L consult about D while I'm gone. i.e. although I fund her CC, (to the same level as child support would be) it's transparent, so she wants some cash for those "hidden" expenses.
This always puts me in a spin. It's controlling not to give her cash, but it irks me because I know what it's for. I don't want her too upset before I give her this letter tomorrow, and it's all I can do to hold back "no cash while you have A". I guess I'll let it go this time until we talk when I get back. If we opt for the filing plan, then no cash. Until then, I'll not stir the pot.
In two weeks, she gets her first check, so I'll be out of the controlling business anyway.
That's tough Zee. I want to say the same thing sometimes. I asked my W today if she planned on paying back the money she took from the kids education funds. She looked at me with defiance, and said yes, but it was kind of unfair that she had to pay for her own expenses since January (all her expenses were covered, that money was used and is used to fund her A activities)
I think it's the right call to not say anything right now. Give her your letter, go on vacation, and have a smashing time
I left W the "something's gotta give" letter last Friday and left with kids on vacation.
Hadn't heard from W until today (although she has texted and talked to kids)
This morning she calls me and asks for new cell phone. (there's a sale on) She said I would have to order it, since I took away her account privileges. (damned straight I did)
I said I'd look at it.
She called back this afternoon, asking if I'd ordered it. I said no, what's the rush? After complaining about how she couldn't see her phone anymore and blah, blah, blah, she asked if there was a problem with me ordering it.
(is she kidding? I don't give a crap about the sale, and I'm not spending a cent on a new phone for her right now. The gravy train has ground to a halt. I still find her sense of entitlement extremely brazen.)
I calmly said "Yes dear, there are some problems." at which point she hung up on me.
Meanwhile, the kids and I are having a great time. Been to some touristy things they hadn't seen before, we've done a whole lot of swimming and boating, and strawberry picking, and blueberry picking. It's going to rain tomorrow, so that will be time to make pies. (I love baking)
I was afraid that they might mope around and miss their mom, but if they have, they sure aren't showing it. (relief!)
W calling was kind of a downer today. I kind of had her off my mind, enjoying kids and friends and relatives. Her call has had me pacing and racing all day.
Today I had two friends who have known both W and me for over 20 years tell me that I should D her. They are very pro-M and have been following the sitch, talking to both of us. They think she's totally lost it and I should get the kids into a better sitch. Not something I'd expected them to say. Lots of advice.
I know it's hard, but try to enjoy this time with the kids, Zew. As the parent of four who are now 27, 24, 21 and 17, I can tell you you only get so many of these little slices in your life.
Trust me, wayward wife and all of the associated problems and challenges will be there when you get back.
So one of these two friends ^^^^^ talked to W last night, then IM'd me this morning.
Friend says W is messed up. (!)
W went to financial adviser trying to figure out her options. W read friend the letter I sent her. W is hung up on the fact that nowhere in the letter did I say ILY. W went on to friend about how I am hiding income and moving assets out of the country. W is looking for any excuse to end the M.
Friend said "it's not encouraging, but W's still confused about what to do."
...
Meanwhile, it is not raining today after all, so we're going kayaking now. Starsky is of course, right about enjoying the bits while you can.
W went on to friend about how I am hiding income and moving assets out of the country.
You're wife does know that if you two begin divorce proceedings, you're both going to have to submit detailed financial disclosures, under threat of perjury . . . right?
Yes, she knows. Her L told her so. Does she know what it means? Assuredly not.
And as I said to mutual friend who IM'd today... "when she finds out I didn't hide assets and she and her idiot friends pissed away her M because of that, what does she say? Whoops?"
But I know what will happen. We aren't broke by any means. But we have been overspending for years, and that trend will make us go broke. I told her we had to stop spending more than we earned. I put us on a cashflow neutral budget. At this point, she will see any assets as proof that I was lying - "you said we were broke and we aren't broke."
I think the 20 IQ point loss is generous.
D13 just caught a fish on her second cast. Not dinner. And then a whole round of apologies to the poor little fish. Kids these days... no sense of where food comes from...
