Sorry, too, for the hijack, zew. But a birthday - especially Starsky's - is something to be celebrated!!! Glad the in-laws are doing better! Great day!
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
The wine dinner was excellent last night. It always is, and the food was amazing. A bit of a downer at the end when the D'd person across from me started telling us about her evil spouse...
On the W front:
- OM3 is history - she dumped him over a week ago. He didn't appreciate that. He was a client. He sabotaged a deal she put together for him, threw her under the bus. Commission evaporated. All so ridiculously predictable. Don't get your meat where you get your bread. She did figure out that he f'd her over because she f'd him over. These were consequences to her actions, and I didn't impose any of it.
- OM2 is back. They have decided they are just friends with benefits.
- W has started to leave our bed around midnight, sleep in the guest room until about 5AM, then come back to our bed. She's making a statement there, but doesn't want to deal with telling the kids.
back at the Zew:
- I'm leaving on vacation this weekend with kids. W will be alone without the kids for 2 weeks for the first time ever. 2 weeks of unfettered debauchery.
- As I said, I will be doing a lot of soul searching, but I'm about done. I really can't tolerate an open marriage where W has a friend with benefits.
- I have written a letter that I will give to W when I leave out.
It's just the typical "sorry about this, accept my part in demise of M, don't want a D, I'm willing to work with you on the issues, can't tolerate an open M, both need to make some decisions" letter we've seen here before. No blame, no judgment, just an offer to R.
Yes, I know -- save the 2x4's. It's all been said, and it will not change her mind in the least.
It's for me though. I want to give it to her as the statement of my position. I'm thinking of it like a "best and final". It may well be the last thing I write to her. It will be the offer document of record. W will never be able to say I didn't offer the moon to R.
I know she'll mock it with her friends, and go through the whole "too little, too late" thing again with them and play victim. That talk is easy though, when Zew is paying all your bills.
She has been full of "If he really wanted to R, he'd be trying harder..." kind of bravado. She also thinks that I only went to MC for the lawsuit, and I kind of think she is interested in going back to MC.
If she's serious about any of that, and I can no longer tell what is or isn't serious with her on a day to day basis, she should get that the time has come.
I have 180'd what I can, and I have developed a really good R with D13. W has recognized that and thinks it is good.
When I come back from vacation, I'll be looking at her actions and asking for her thoughts.
She'll either be willing to take the leap of faith and want to work, or she'll give some mealy mouthed "don't know, need time" answer.
I hope for the former, but fully expect the latter. That will cause me to file immediately. My stuff is in order. I have that 14 month filing window, and I want to save some of that time in case we try to R, fail and then need to D. And no, that's not an attitude for failure - I think this is getting pretty mechanical now.
I know some have suggested that I file sooner, but for me, I wanted to use as much of the time W gave me as I needed to get my financial and emotional crap in order. For me, the expectation when filing is D. I had to get myself to the point of being able to face the consequences of that; i.e. W really is the fool that would leave me, or at least not even try to reconcile with me.
Now I would be a fool to tell anyone that I know what will happen after that, or how I will react to it, so I won't even speculate.
...and that's where I am. And a couple of weeks of decompression will only put me more firmly there.
It's just the typical "sorry about this, accept my part in demise of M, don't want a D, I'm willing to work with you on the issues, can't tolerate an open M, both need to make some decisions" letter we've seen here before. No blame, no judgment, just an offer to R.
Yes, I know -- save the 2x4's. . . .
Hey, no lumber from me, my twin brutha of a different mutha. In fact, I wrote one myself and gave me to my wife. I'll have to see if I can find a copy and post it here, minus the names and stuff. You might enjoy it. There is something to be said for getting one final, hit-all-the-right-notes statement off of your chest, and as long as you're authentic in what you state I really don't see anything wrong with it so long as you're not expecting it to be effective.
I think it sounds like a good plan. Your ready, and I remember many moons ago you posted about only filing when you were ready to face the consequences of a D. Seems to me you are at peace with where things are at. You've been patient, not reactive, and have been very organized and methodical with your planning. I think you have a plan laid out, and are prepared for whichever outcome occurs.
And your right, if your W chooses to be the fool, there is nothing you can do about it. I've realized that actually, should my W chose to not R, there's several options out there. I'm sure your aware of that distant thought anyways.
It's only too bad your on the opposite side of the continent. My vacay is at the same time. Sure we could swap some doozies over a few drinks
Thanks Dev. I have a plan. I can see two outcomes.
One is a lot of work, and I don't know if it ever turns out well for anyone, but I signed up for it and I think it has the best chance. Like yours, W has a long, long way to go (and I'm not denying any guilt here), and I know about a lot of dirty laundry (literally and figuratively) that I'd have to get over.
The other one is a lot of work. It will work out for me, since it will be up to only me to make it so, but it will suck for kids.
Next time I'm out in the couve, I'm buying. Wingman?
Couldn't agree with you more on the dual outcomes. Unfortunately, my W sees both outcomes as destroying the kids either way. I will help them as best I can.
I know I will be fine too, and that's a great feeling. It's my kids that keep me in this struggle. And of course, they are motivation enough. My dirty laundry pile is equally impressive. Going to need a lot of Spray and Wash for some bad stains if it goes that way.
It's a deal. As most M men do, I know all the hotspots, hit me up when your here.
Just stick to straight Goose with a side of lemon and nothing can go wrong :0).
Just popped in to catch up on your sitch and wish you a peaceful vacation.
Originally Posted By: Train
I have never - let me repeat: NEVER - met a sake I liked.
But I'm willing to try anything once. Or, I guess, a recommended version of something I've never liked ... once.
Pour the sake.
And, Starsky, I haven't been a fan of tequila since my late-high-school days (hurl!) But recently, I was introduced to Patron. It's amazing what top-shelf tequila can do to minimize the bad taste from high school. Still, you'll never catch me shelling out that kinda cash for a bottle of Platinum Petron. I'll stick to my $10 bottles of wine! Lol.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
The vacation could get tense with S9 and D13 if it is cold, rainy, and there's no wifi.
But if it's sunny and warm, there will be gin and lemonade all afternoon (it's a cottage thing), and single malt or cognac at night.
Clear night skies, plenty of shooting stars. Lake. Boats. Childhood friends.
Bonding time with me and kids, and kids and grandparents. I want to give them the best trip possible, because it could get really ugly next month. I hate to think what we might put them through after this.
