She did WAW, then I did EA, now I'm DBing...poorly

[MrBond]

"So unless you're a lawyer in WA, don't tell me otherwise. "

Kind of rude response to the posters. I understand that you're frustrated, but don't take it out on those trying to help you. You did it to me and others who had posted to you.

[Joe1981]

I'm sorry for the rude response. My frustration level has been exceptionally high today.

[MrBond]

I get that.

Look, this isn't legal advice, but maybe you need to go somewhere for a few days or make room somewhere else in the home for now. You aren't responsible for her happiness, but then you shouldn't let yourself be her punching bag.

[Joe1981]

I'm trying to figure out what to do. My friend has said I can stay w/ her and her husband whenever I need to. I currently live in the basement bedroom, and shower in the basement bathroom. I'm halfway moved out as it is.

Aside from her anger issues, I need to tighten things up. I've got to really get going on becoming my best self. I've reconnected some w/ my old buddies so I should be able to start GAL. I need to actually call the soccer league I want to join and I need to get to the gym consistently.

AND, I officially have to do all venting here and go silent on Facebook.

Thank you for the dose of perspective.

[labug]

It sounds like you get your jabs in just in a different way.

What happened with the boundary setting?

As far as provoking her, I try not to, but I'm human and make mistakes. When I do, she goes off, guns blazing.

This tells me you're still in the mix with her.

Did you tell the 2 L who told you not to move out what you've told us here?

We don't know how bad the situation truly is, only you know that.

What so you really want, what's number 1 on your list right now?

[Joe1981]

Boundary setting was an epic fail. That's what got to the door situation.
I meet w/ a L tomorrow for the first time since most of the bad stuff blew up. I'll lay it out for him and see what he thinks.
How bad is the situation? It's messy. She finally calmed down enough yesterday where we could talk and I could actually validate her on her reasons for the recent anger. I see her point and the mistake won't happen again. From now on, all talk about this mess will be here only. As far as the anger/violence, she's not going to physically hurt me, and she isn't abusive towards the kids. She gets verbally abusive towards me and won't stop even if I walk away. New strategy, get to the car. I can lock myself in and, if needed, turn up the radio.
Priorities, hmm:
1)the well-being of the kids (this means being able to co-parent w/ her)
2)custody of kids, I won't settle for less than 50/50.
3)keeping my family together
4)having a happy M (if 3 happens, then working together towards 4; if 3 doesn't happen, then making sure any new R is on the basis of eventually leading to #4)

Thanks.

[Joe1981]

Journaling. Peaceful day. No blow ups, no new good things either, just me enjoying the kids, got in a workout, S5 fell asleep in my lap (60lbs ugh). Trying to have a PMA.

She's taking the kids out of town this weekend for her bday. I placed an order for some shoes she wanted as a present from the kids. Not sure if I'm doing anything for her. 180 would be to get her something good, LRT would be to not and let the kids present stand as my getting her something good. No idea as of yet.

[labug]

Boundary setting was an epic fail.

What does that mean? What actually happened and how do you know it was a fail if you only tried once? This is something that takes time, sometimes lots of time. You've heard, it's a marathon....

How bad is the situation? It's messy. She finally calmed down enough yesterday where we could talk and I could actually validate her on her reasons for the recent anger.

What were those reasons?

As far as the anger/violence, she's not going to physically hurt me, and she isn't abusive towards the kids. She gets verbally abusive towards me and won't stop even if I walk away. New strategy, get to the car. I can lock myself in and, if needed, turn up the radio.

How do you think locking yourself in the car is any different than locking yourself in the BR? Just because she's not hitting you doesn't mean it's not violence or that your kids aren't hearing it and being scared by it.
Priorities, hmm:
1)the well-being of the kids (this means being able to co-parent w/ her) [/quote] What does the well-being of the kids mean to you?
(you're a long way from co-parenting, you can't even be in the same room with her)

[Joe1981]

Labug, you are absolutely correct about the boundary setting. I need to ease into it. I also need to remember to check myself and make sure I'm not being a jerk or avoiding the conflict to cover up my own crappy behavior. On that note, I need to make sure there is no more crappy behavior. Which leads me to her reasons for being so pissed...I was venting via Facebook message and she asked to see my phone, then she saw the venting. She sees it as talking s**t. It wasn't, but that doesn't matter, what matters is how she sees it. So I learned that the hard way. No more Facebook except to get together with friends to GAL.

We're actually not as far from co-parenting as you might think. At the risk of being stupid and mind reading, I'm actually optimistic that if I get my crap sorted out and start walking the walk, she may turn around on this. Trying not to get hopes up and trying to get focused. If I had ANY money, I'd call a DB coach. As it is, I need to retread DR. Buy 5LL and read that and, on the advice of my IC, read After the Affair.

I was as upbeat as possible tonight. The kids were difficult. She had to get a new phone today, so she asked me to help her back up her photos off her old one and clear it so she can sell it. I know I can't read into it, but it felt good to do something for her.

Thank you for the thought provoking questions.

[labug]

It's good that you're doing IC.

You'll get this, it's just really difficult and call for a complete reset of our past ways of interacting with everyone, not just your W.

Hang in there.