Yeah. I should do that. I need to get a solutions journal.
Saw my IC today. I need to set boundaries. Badly. My W has too much power. Always has in the R. I can't let her hound me with questions, accusations, and anger. This could be interesting but valuable to do for me. She said this May help to shock her out of the seeing only the idea of things vs the reality. It will help me get the space I need for personal growth.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Ooooh, she didn't like when I tried to set some boundaries w/ her instead of listening to her keep after me. Oh well, I need to not be a spineless wuss anymore...that's a 180 for me and even if she hates it right now, she will respect it...or at least treat me w/ some respect.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
I'm very much taking the long view of things now. First some peace, then maybe friendship, then we'll see. Pretty detached from the outcome at this pt.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
So. Took a night to crash at friend's house to give my W some breathing room to process things. It has been nice to have a night w/ my friend and her husband just chatting about all sorts of stuff. Great to get all of this out of my head for a few hours.
However, had a rough afternoon before I left. Had just finished mowing the lawn when W came home and was heading down to shower. She came in all excited to see the kids and had VIP tickets to a major yearly local event (that she hated the only time she went). I flashed her an extremely angry look before I went downstairs. I was very hurt as this was an event I would have taken the kids (or at least S5 to if I weren't giving her space for the wknd. Anyway. She followed me downstairs, probably looking for a fight. Instead of giving her a fight, I was just in the middle of a sobbing breakdown. Not my best self, but I hit a point I couldn't process anymore. So, she asked if I wanted to join them, which I really don't but I also want to be there w/ my kids. So I agreed. I'm not emotionally mature enough to deal w/ this. I feel like a 13 year old sometimes. After they took off for the park and I was about to get in the shower, I just sat there for like 10 minutes crying. I hate what's happening in my life right now, I hate myself for not being a good enough husband to prevent it, and I hate myself for doing things to make this process so much worse. Now I have to be my best self tomorrow. I have to muster fun, happy, attractive, etc. I need to get my PMA on and act as if. I'm not entirely what the as if would be, but she's giving me an opportunity when she didn't have to. I have no expectations...I'm not mind-reading into this, I'm just happy to get to do something fun w/ my kids and excited to spend some non-D related time w/ my W.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Argh. I love her too much. It hurts being out in public w/ her. I'm doing my best. Showing PMA, trying to keep it light. Struggling. My heart hurts.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Weird day. Great morning. We were a family. I came home from my friend's house and we all packed up and went to the event. For the first while at the event she was friendly to me. She introduced me to someone there as her husband (trying not to mind read that), and we did stuff together with the kids. About midway through the day there (we were there from 10-3:30) she turned colder. Didn't talk to me as much etc. I did the right thing though. I kep up the PMA, kept smiling, and most importantly, I kept having fun with my kids. She also asked me to make her dinner when we got home. This seemed big only in that she hasn't asked me to anything like that since the BD. Trying not to mindread that too much either. I just kindly made her food and cleaned up after. Then I took the kids to a BBQ at my friend's house. I'm trying not to place too much significance in anything that happened today, just thankful for the chance to try to be a good version of me and have her get to see it some. Tomorrow she's letting me take the kids back to the event w/ my family. Hopefully they'll do great and she'll enjoy the quiet house.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Well done! You are doing the right things. Yes that pain mixed with love for your W is a volitile mix. Like having your heart put into a meat grinder everyday as someone stabs you in the eyes with red hot pokers. We all truly feel you and understand where you hurt. Now it's early in the game. The 180s will take awhile to be natural for you so they end up having a far more lasting impact on you w .great you are catching on and not mind reading. Being the best dad you can be and being a "friendly neighbour "to your W is the priority. And what's about GAL? Find something healthy and what makes you happy. Your heart will heal faster if you take care of your body, not just your mind.happy =attractive too and remember 4Cs ...calm, cool,confident and connected ....always react out of confidence not fear and neediness. Ok I know it's hard but be a gladiator and fight for this M. Keep coming here for support only! Friends and family just give rotten advice as outsiders sometime. If I can do this you can too. On your side
Me 42 W:35 M: 14yrs T:15yrs D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs BD: "I want a D"09/03/14 Sep: 30/06/14
Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
I'm nowhere near excited rayzzz. I'm just enjoying the fact that there has been a level of peace. I think just my willingness to get out of the house for a night showed her I do care about the hurt I caused. It was also a start of GALing. So was taking the kids to my buddy's house. I no longer look to friends and family for advice...just some support. Here is where people have a clue what I'm trying to do. I think the friendly neighbor thing has been really hard so far. I'm not very religious, but I need use the Jesus method of turning the other cheek when she gets mad at me. I have the tendency to slip back into the old battles. I'm working on remembering that I'm not trying to get back the old, crappy marriage, I'm trying to create new, positive feelings w/ her. It's a struggle. I did use this place today while out w/ W and kids to just vent when frustrated...it helped.
As far as the self-improvement arena. I need to face some fear that has held me back all my life. Fear of failure in general but most specifically fear of rejection. Since I first became interested in girls, the fear of rejection by them has paralyzed me. I see that now as a big reason I got into the EA...I was dealing with the rejection by my W telling me she wanted a divorce and to keep trying meant a very real chance at more rejection where this OW was supportive and positive to me and I felt little to no fear of rejection. SO THE WRONG THING TO DO!!! However, understanding where my bad decisions came from is a good start to fixing them.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
She's becoming outright abusive at this point. She got mad because I was venting to a friend on Facebook when I was frustrated. She's in total attack mode. I am literally sitting up against the door with her slamming against it verbally assaulting me. Constantly. I'd call the cops but that never works for the guy. HELP
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
