I agree with all of what you say labug. Now I have to somehow be strong enough to make that happen. A lawyer did tell me don't move out. I'm getting better at not fighting back. I realize now that there are no points to make when she's mad. As far as validating verbal abuse, I don't validate when she's mean. I try to validate when she says something about how she is hurt. I'm trying to understand her hurt. At this point, I know it's 100% about the kids. I've got to help them do as well as possible through this. I have too much growing to do before I can deal w/ anything else. I'm just trying to get started on the marathon. Too bad I ran the wrong direction for the first two months. I'm not sure I have the strength for any of this. I'm not even sure who I am. I have no extra money for a DB coach or even very much time in IC. I get 4 free sessions through work, but I've been to one and have one tomorrow so that'll leave me 1/2 done w/ what I can afford and nowhere near done w/ what I need.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
The general tones of her emails are either: "I wish you could understand how much damage your actions (referring to June) have caused," "I hate your family and think you do whatever they say," or "you need to move out." The first two aren't completely incorrect, but its constant, even when I agree or say the I'm trying to understand...she just keeps on it. She says she wants space, but won't entertain any idea that isn't me moving out to my parents' house (while still somehow being less reliant on my family).
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
W: Are you going to Seattle? I am trying to make plans (Seattle is 4 hrs away)
Me: No. They're busy. [my friend] is having a BBQ on Sat. at 3. That's all I have for plans.
W: Can you go somewhere else?
Me: No. Sorry.
W: Why are you acting like a defiant child?
I didn't respond.
Next email, new subject: W: I need a break from you. You can’t even give me a weekend. I don’t get it.
I didn't respond.
Text: W:Can't u go to [friend in Oregon]'s or something? ?
I didn't respond.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Well, yeah. She's taking them out of town next wknd (her bday). And she wants me gone this wknd, but doesn't want to let me take the kids.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
I'm not much of a daily life poster, although I can help you understand some of the dynamics playing out here...
Her anger, well, it is gonna be around for a while. So you better get used to how YOU wanna deal with it.
Most of the time, the WAW is looking for a reason to walk away from the LBS, most of them do not have a valid reason to, or valid in our eyes at least. So they manufacture reasons in their own heads, to justify their burning desire to get away from us as fast as they can.
You have given her an iron clad reason now. All you can do is own your actions, and accept that this is just the way it is for now.
The reason that you are seeing it so vividly, is that you hurt her deeply. She wasn't expecting you to be on the market so soon, and to find someone so soon. I mean come on, you are the asshat that she has a laundry list of complaints about...right ?
Nevertheless...you DID hurt her deeply...
And you really NEED to understand how that can affect a Woman. And how it affected her.
Secondly, this anger that you are seeing now, isn't completely about just this most recent event. This is YEARS of pent up anger that is coming out. Now you may view this as a bad thing, however, I see it as a good sign. Everything inside of her ( the rage) HAS to come out, before there is any chance of a new relationship.
Every time you F'ed up, and she say "it's fine"...????
Yea...that is the anger you are seeing now, because it really wasn't "fine" with her. For whatever reason, she either didn't want to cause a scene, or she was unwilling to talk about it with you....
The answer to THAT question, is something that only YOU can know....
This Woman knows you better than you know yourself right now, whether you like it or not. She knows EXACTLY what buttons to push on you, to make you act EXACTLY the way that she needs you to act, so that her decision to leave....is justified
Are you willing to still be that guy ???
So change it up a bit huh ???
Like Bug said earlier..
Validate what NEEDS to be validated, and DO NOT validate abusive comments....
"I will NOT allow myself to be spoken to, the way you are speaking to me "
And then walk away from it....
You have to be willing to stop playing the game, before the game can end...
And I would venture, that you are STILL trying to defend yourself against your actions over the years...
Stop it
You are never gonna talk your way, out of something that you acted your way into...
Lastly, one of my visuals that I speak of often...
Is that I view the anger of a WAS like I view the booster tanks on the side of the Space Shuttle...
It takes way more fuel to launch, than it does to cruise. So once the Shuttle is in orbit, the tanks are discarded.
It is much like the anger of the WAS. Once things become more normal for them, and the more that YOU can stop reacting to their verbal assault, the more that you will see their anger lesson...
And eventually, it will be discarded as well.
It's time to start acting differently, not for her, not for the Marriage...
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
You've got this pretty well pegged Mach. I just need to keep listening and validating when she goes off about my May and June actions and my prior failures. If she gets mean and nasty about it, then I draw the line and walk away, so that I don't blow up too. Then I have to not take the bait when she says "yeah, just walk away in the middle of a conversation." That's how she gets me back in. I need to figure out what to do this weekend. She wants me to go somewhere to give her space. Not a bad idea, but I have nowhere worth going. I really want to make these changes for me. No matter what happens with her, I need to be a better man.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
You've got this pretty well pegged Mach. I just need to keep listening and validating when she goes off about my May and June actions and my prior failures. If she gets mean and nasty about it, then I draw the line and walk away, so that I don't blow up too. Then I have to not take the bait when she says "yeah, just walk away in the middle of a conversation." That's how she gets me back in. I need to figure out what to do this weekend. She wants me to go somewhere to give her space. Not a bad idea, but I have nowhere worth going. I really want to make these changes for me. No matter what happens with her, I need to be a better man.
You need to listen and validate her feelings about the May/June stuff...
You need to draw the line when her feelings turn into verbally abusing you....
And you need to understand the difference between the two....
And when she says "yeah, just walk away" , then you will be able to tell her why you are walking away...
