Doing all right

[bustingout]

Hi BF

I am so sorry that you are having these feelings. I think I was very much like that in 2012 and 2013. Functioning from an outsiders point of view but in reality - when I was alone- just collapsing into loneliness and a dull routine. Especially after my kids slept. It was part of my grieving I suppose- part of my journey to get through. My friends never really even knew what was going on.

I did a lot of journaling, thinking , drinking and crying. It wasn't very healthy. However i was able to really reflect on myself and what I want and where I want to be. It was for sure the hardest time of my life and I knew I had to face it alone. I think getting professional counselling is a great idea. And talking to us here because you are definitely not alone. Ever. You really and truly have us all. Don't forget that. Xxx

[pbetra]

>> I’m really straggling to express my thoughts these days... I do have lots of thoughts and feelings, but by the time I get to my computer, they are all processed and gone, or I just have no energy to write. Does anyone have the same problem?<<

I have this problem right NOW Brightfuture. It's a lot to process all the time. The MLCer has the luxary of expressing their needs, whatever they feel 'on a whim' - they're entitled.

Not the same for us, is it? We do not have that 'luxary'. We're caught off guard after the bomb and then the work begins for us, during such a difficult time. It's so important to rest the brain when possible. I'm even looking into this, link below - maybe you could check it out if it is the kind of thing that appeals to you.Laughter Yoga / http://laughteryoga.org/english
I don't know much about it to be honest - just know that I have cried enough & want to laugh more! A LOT more!

Read some of your thread this afternoon as some information 'caught my eye' (re: still angry at you- http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2485628&page=6). I found that I could relate. It's comforting to know that someone/others in cyber space could understand from their experience - not that it's good 4 you to feel this way, but you know what I mean ...

Getting back to you - 2 yrs is a long time Brightfuture. Rest your brain with some positve things ... keep us posted. Brain fog or not. I hope you feel better soon.
pb
(also hope that my post is understandable)

[BrightFuture]

Ss06, Busting, pbetra, thank you for your posts.

Ss06, I feel the same as Smurf_SMR describes in his thread. Some days I feel good and think that I don’t have depression, that it is all gone. Then there are some days when I fight with it. Not exactly “fight”, but trying to push the feelings away, to find excuses to give up and not do anything. No, I’m not on ADs, and I don’t have IC. I know a lot of people here suggest ADs to manage the depression and help them to get through this whole thing. I will be a very hard sell on this. I prefer not to take any medication. I prefer a glass (or more) of wine, that helps me to relax.

I also don’t believe in IC, for me personally. I had some disappointing experience in the past, it didn’t help me at all. I already knew what the IC was going to say. I think I knew most of the answers, I just needed the support and encouragement, but I didn’t get it. I tried a couple of life coaches too, but nothing worked for me the way I expected. Maybe I have too much expectations... I also don’t like when people give me arbitrary solutions. I feel so much resistance when my friends or family tell me that what I’m doing is wrong, that I’m fooling myself, that I need to do such and such things instead.

The reason I come to this board is that I get the support I need without the judgment. And people still listen, even after 2 years (actually 1.5 years since I joined this forum.) My friends and family have given up on me and don’t want to hear about the sitch anymore.

Busting, it is good to know that eventually these feelings will pass. I know I’m still grieving. It just seems to go for awfully too long, past 2 years already. I prefer talking on this board, even though it is difficult some times. I get discouraged from posting, because sometimes I don’t get any feedback for some time and feel like I’m talking to myself. I can do it in my head. I know that I’m not very exciting poster and I there is barely anything goes on in my sitch. So, I just read other posts and learn from them. But, it becomes lonely after a while.

Pbetra, thanks for the link. I will check it out. I used to do yoga every Sunday. I stopped doing it for a few months, just could not make myself go. I went last weekend, finally. I hope I can make it regular again. I also do daily meditations, I think this keeps me afloat.
You are fairly new in this. I know 2 years seems like a long time for you right now. Not so much for me. Like I said it feels like a groundhog day every day. Sometimes it feels like BD was just yesterday, just without that devastation and disbelieve that came all over me at that time. It is just sad now.

I will try to catch up on everybody’s thread. I just feel that I have no advice to give at this time, but I've been reading along.

[pbetra]

>> It just seems to go for awfully too long, past 2 years already. I prefer talking on this board, even though it is difficult some times. I get discouraged from posting, because sometimes I don’t get any feedback for some time and feel like I’m talking to myself. I can do it in my head.<<

Hi BF
I have started reading your thread. Just so much going on here as you could imagine.
I am sorry that you feel the way you do & are still grieving. Have you read > The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life by Susan Anderson This is one that I have to get! I ordered some other recommended, DBs, depression etc ... & am trying to catch up on those. It was well recommended here.

>>I know that I’m not very exciting poster and I there is barely anything goes on in my sitch<<

Same here BF! Never mind - you mentioned why you prefer posting on this board & that's your reason. I know my stuff is 'taupe' in the MLC 'scheme of things'. I don't care. I post & if someone offers a comment or help, that's good. This isn't about entertainment This is our life, the life of the LBS who came here b/c they were in PAIN. Let us no tlose sight of that - we're not children who have ot be entertained or prove ourselves. Everyone here is an adult with adult issues. The forum is here re: venting & support. Keep venting, it's a safe place.

I LOOK FORWARD to hearing more in future (even though I have not been here as long as 2 years!!
pb

[LiveNow]

Hi Bright - you are exactly one year ahead of me in all this. My BD was 6/13. Yes, you're still grieving, and that's going to be different for everyone. I do think what keeps some of us from really moving on is the fact that we're still married. There's no closure. I know once I actually am D, I will not be looking back. My life will truly be my own again, and I really think the thoughts of OW, etc., will stop soon after that. But right now, still separated, I look back constantly, still sometimes wishing that things could be 'repaired.' But, I still have been unable to do much in the way of moving things along toward D, myself. I still don't want to be the one to make those moves. To me, this is still his responsibility to make the D happen, since he's the one who wants it. I will cooperate, but I won't help. So, I remain in limbo while he decides what to do. The fact that your H is making no moves toward D makes this even tougher on you. Really. A few weeks ago, I was on pins and needles because it had been so long since any talk of R or D, and I knew SOMETHING had to happen. Even though it's not moving in the direction I want now, at least it's moving. I was just paralyzed - sitting on the fence for so long. Finally, a push in a direction - ANY direction - felt better. It's SO tiring to stay where you are, but that's entirely up to you to decide how long you can wait for him.

Funny - you were talking about yoga and meditation. I picked up both about a year ago, but really slacked off these last couple of months. Getting back to both soon though. I can really tell that I haven't been doing either! Good for you for keeping up with the meditation. So helpful, once you get in the habit.

Re: IC - I've been going since a few days after BD, and it was very helpful to me this entire time. For me, though, initially, I just needed an ear. Someone to hear me talk about every lousy issue I had not dealt with in my entire adult life! Not like I've solved every problem - not at all - but I now feel like I need to switch to someone who can give me more direction, insight, I'm not sure what really. I would keep trying to find someone you're comfortable with. I does help to actually talk about these things out loud, although writing/journaling helps, too. When you talk to someone, they help shoulder the burden.

Anyway, hang in there, Bright. You'll know when you're ready to act. In the meantime, try to keep busy. I tried my first Meet-up this week, for people in life transitions (mostly divorced or widowed). It was great, energizing, and so comforting to know you're not alone. You can talk to real, live people going through similar circumstances. This board is great, but you can't beat face-to-face communication! I hope you have a good week. Keep the focus on you. I know - easier said than done. (In fact, I need to say it to myself!)

[BrightFuture]

Pbetra, no I haven’t read this book. I guess, I was been deliberately avoiding reading something with worlds “end of a relationship”, even though I know that my old R is dead. I think I’m about ready to read something like that. I will check it out, thanks for the recommendation.

LiveNow, this what my friends and family tell me too, that I’m stuck because I’m still married and that I need to get a D. I don’t know if it would change anything for me though. Maybe it will, but I’m just like you, not willing to do H’s work for him right now. I want him to do it. I’m ready for it. I’m just not ready to take an action.

This upcoming wedding of H’s niece just would not get off my mind. When I’m in a good mood I think that I need to send a card. It will show that I’m a better person than them. It will probably make me feel good about myself too. Then, I get angry and think that they will not hear from me ever again. Then I get indifferent and think that in no way this event impacts my life or my son’s life, it is just like a bad dream.

This is exhausting… But, an interesting part is that I don’t feel like a victim anymore. I’m pretty much resigned to the fact that I made the wrong choice when I married H. I could have had a lot better life with a family that would accept me and H who would care. I also catch myself of being angry and intolerant of people recently. Watch out… I might be entering into my own Midlife Crisis, folks. Should be interesting...

[Mighty]

Bright, Bright, I wanna say good night!

Seriously, I am so corny tonight. Ummm... really... I haven't posted much in the last week. BUT... I'm thinking of you! Hoping you are well. I am tired and going to try to SLEEP!!!! It's not so easy...

But I will catch up with you later. Just wanted to give you a quick shout-out! Good night!

[job]

Bright,
People do not understand how divorce can create grief. People think grief only applies to someone passing away. We each have gone through the grieving process and it takes time. Each person moves through the stages in their own time. Right now, you are still experiencing anger. Feel that anger and let it go.

Your family only wants what is best for you and they think a divorce is the answer. Nothing will change for a long time because no matter what, you still have to go through the grieving process.

As for sending a card to the upcoming bridge/groom. I would hold off on that unless you were sent an announcement/invitation. Wait until the ceremony has taken place and if you still want to send something, then do it. Even though you are being very thoughtful in thinking of sending a card, to them, it might look like you are angling for an invitation. Just my two cents.

Be kind to yourself. You can't rush the grieving process and please don't allow others to convince you that you can.

[BrightFuture]

Job, I was thinking exact same thing about the card. I was not going to send it ahead of time, I would only send it after the wedding. I’m not expecting an invitation, and it is late anyway, the wedding is this weekend. If I send a card (have not decided on it 100% yet), it would be my way of saying that I’m a bigger person.

Thanks for your kind words again. I’m feeling better these days, just trying to process some new feelings that started to surface. Cannot fully explain what they are yet. I’m patient though.

[pbetra]

BF been catching up on your threads - & others! You've been strong on that bumpy, bumpy ride ... in spite of it all!! You handled so much quite well. (Been reading books & threads & books & threads &, &, &! - oh my spinning head! )

Just 'came by' to offer continued support , will drop in later on. Take care BF, pb.