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Bright - I do understand how you feel, but just two points (not quite a 2 x 4) The first is, how does your son feel about it? and the second - if you look at 'pursuer' behaviour, this is typical - you are fighting his battle and feeling hurt on his behalf etc.

Your son is old enough to say to your husband that he is sorry he wasn't invited. And to express his feelings to the rest of the family if he feels it is appropriate. It isn't your battle, however hurt and disappointed you feel. Focus on your needs and respond to those. (I am still learning this one)

Families are strange things - some are opening and welcoming and others close ranks. Families that produce MLCers are probably not very functional ones. MLC doesn't come out of a clear blue sky however blindsided we were by it.

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Bright,
Bea's post is spot on. It's understandable that you would be hurt and disappointed that your son wasn't invited, but like Bea pointed out, your son is old enough to speak to your h about this. Allow him to make the decision as to whether or not to speak up about it. You can't fight his battles for him all of the time and this is all part of growing up.

As for removing/blocking some of the inlaws on the net, I wouldn't do it unless this is really something you want to do. If you have had a good relationship w/your h's family, then keep them on your communication links. If you haven't, then you will need to decide what you want to do. You do not want to come off looking petty and spiteful because your son wasn't invited. Who knows what was behind your son not being invited, but I would rise above their behavior and show them the Bright that we all know and love. It's their loss if he's not invited.

Keep the focus on you and your life.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2484414 09/02/14 10:58 PM
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We'll, H just sent a text "Have you used the xxx card lately. Got a message from the fraud dept." This is about the credit card that was on file with internet provider for our business email. It was set for automatic renewal on Aug.31. I received an email from the provider yesterday that the transaction was declined. This is H's card that he doesn't use anymore (the statements still come to my house.) This is just his card, I am not on it. He should know that. I entered a different card in order to pay the bill and had some problems at first, because I forgot that H changed the address for that card to the state he works at. I wonder if he will get another message from that card company too, LOL.

Anyway, here where I would like some advice, as Job promised smile .Do I reply in the same kind of "dry" way? Without addressing him by the name? Or should I be more polite and upbeat? Any thoughts?


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I would address him by name and tell him what's going on w/the account and card. Try to visualize him as an old friend that you've not heard from in a long time.

Let me ask you this...do you respond to old friends in a dry manner or do you attempt to be courteous and upbeat? You would treat him the same way that you would a friend. Honey draws my bees than vinegar.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2484542 09/03/14 03:23 AM
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OK, so I replied “Hi H, no I haven’t used the card.” Then I told him about the transaction that was declined and that I used the other card (which is joint card that he uses for business expenses.)
I waited to reply for almost 2 hours. Well, I was busy at work, and waiting for the advice on this board.
He replied right away.
Here is the exchange after that.

H: Ok cool. I will call and let them know the issue. Do you still use it for anything? Maybe i should cancel it!

Me: I don’t use it. I’m not sure where else it could be stored. For business? I thought there are some accumulated miles you could use.

H: Think i used those for the spain trip? I will check

Me (after some hesitation): XXXX (other card) miles were used for Spain trip, that’s for sure.

There was no reply to my last text. I kind of didn’t expect it anyway.

Here are my thoughts:

- Why would he ask me if I use the card? I don’t have this card, it is his card. We used it for business stuff, like it was on file with internet provider, but that’s it. I know d@rn well that it is not used anywhere else, I get the statements. I just played it a little to see what he would do. I guess he just has some significant memory issues.

- Speaking of the memory issues… The trip to Spain was two months prior to BD. It‘s been almost 2.5 years. This was the last big trip he (and I) went on (we used to travel somewhere every year.) I booked the flights for that trip and I used the miles that were accumulated on our joint credit card.

- “Think i used those for the spain trip” – this is typical H in the first few years of marriage and in the couple of last years prior to BD. He would use word “I”, even though it related to a joint activity or joint matter. He apologized a lot in the first few years of M, saying that he was so used to be by himself that he had hard time adjusting to “us”. Bull sh!t! I think it just shows that he just never knew how to fully commit to the M.

- So, I avoided to say “WE used the other card miles for trip to Spain”. Do I get 2x4 for this? Actually this is my question. I wanted to remind him that there was “us” at some point, but then I thought that this word would scare him again. Should I stay neutral and not use word "us"?

- It seems that this Spain trip comes up quite a lot in his thoughts. This was the last thing we did together.

- I showed a kind side of me to remind H that there would some miles he could use before he cancels the CC. Maybe it reminded him that we always double checked each other when making decisions and I was actually a reliable and caring partner.

OK, maybe too much analysis for a short text exchange. It is just so exciting after a couple of months of silence, LOL. Does this sound like H is not completely detached from me? Like he thinks I’m kind of his mother. He can ignore me and be rude and mean to me, but then just to check in about some life matters, like asking if he can cancel his CC. If he would not want to do anything with me, why would he ask if I’ve been using his CC? It there something I don’t understand?

I will try to address Bea’s and Job’s posts regarding the wedding in a little while. I do still have some unresolved feelings about it.


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Bright we do tend to overthink exchanges with them - we know them so well and we do not know the MLC person, so it is complicated. However, over time this tendency to analyse lessens. I now focus much more on understanding myself and my own responses.

His life isn't very interesting now, in all probability, and he is confused and unhappy. Remember we can't fix them,

Yes, he probably does look back to happier times, and yes, their memory is terrible. We can't get in their head and rummage around that is for sure.

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Bea, Job, thank you for coming to my rescue again. I wanted to post more about the wedding matter. You are both right, and I will follow your advice and say nothing to the family. My son doesn’t seem to be bothered by this, so I will rest my case. Even though it just brought a lot of hurts from the past.

H’s family (except his brother who lives near me) always treated me like I didn’t completely belong to the family. I’ve accumulated some resentment over the years, especially that H never really stood up for me. He was a bit detached from his family too, so it was not a big deal to him.

Bea, you are so spot on. H’s family is probably the main catalyst for his MLC. All his siblings have some issues when it comes to the relationships.

I just cannot understand what is behind some decisions H’s family makes. I’ve been linked to H’s older brother and his daughter (the one who is getting married in two weeks) on LinkedIn. She actually wanted to keep a contact with me, because she wanted to follow my carrier path and wanted some advice. But, she didn’t invite me to her wedding.

Her brother, H’s nephew, was my son’s friend when we lived in the same state and same neighborhood. He sent me a LinkedIn invite a few months ago, to which I didn’t respond. Then, he invited me and my son to his graduation a couple of months ago. So, what is different with this? Why invite us to graduation, but not to the wedding?

And on top of that, the wife of the older brother sent me a B-day card with a letter in it, saying that she misses talking to me. We never talked after we moved from that state. Why now? I just don’t get it.

Job, thank you for this:
Originally Posted By: job
I would rise above their behavior and show them the Bright that we all know and love. It's their loss if he's not invited.

It really makes a difference to have this kind of support and understanding.


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It looks like H reactivated that credit card that he wanted to cancel (got an e-mail to his old account that he is no longer using and that I have access to.) Do I get “thank you” for reminding him that he probably has miles on that card that he could use? Nope. If I would not say a word, this card would probably be cancelled by now. Whatever…

I went online to check if the internet provider transaction went through on a different credit card, and I saw H’s charges on that card. He uses this card for business expenses, but he put his trip to the wedding on it too. I guess he is going to expenses it to the business. Here are the observations. He arrived one day before the wedding and left on the next morning after it. He didn’t stay at his older brother’s place, he paid for the hotel, I guess where everybody stayed. He went to eat a few times, and the charges were for what it looks like one person. On the morning when he left he had a breakfast and it looks like he was either by himself or paid just for his meal, which is unusual for H. He always offers to pay for people, especially if it a rare occasion like this. I guess he is really counting his money these days. Or, he was indeed by himself, which my intuition tells me was the case.

Anyway, this is little piece of info that I could gather. I just can’t wait for the next wedding to be over. I want to put it behind.


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I’m really straggling to express my thoughts these days. This why I probably don’t get much traffic on my thread. I do have lots of thoughts and feelings, but by the time I get to my computer, they are all processed and gone, or I just have no energy to write. Does anyone have the same problem?

I’ve read Smurf_SMR’s thead about depression. I can identify with a few things, like this:
Originally Posted By: Smurf_SMR
Another part of depression for me is cyclical-ness. Nothing changes. It is all non linear. It is the same thing over and over in day to day and year to year routines. Feelings and moods are recycled. Thoughts and ideas are recycled. All the books, movies, newspapers, magazines and any other media seem unoriginal and reused from what has already been said and done, very post modern. This all turns into a perpetual state of boredom.

And this:
Originally Posted By: Smurf_SMR
Even listening is a challenge that I can not meet, whether it be in conversation, talk radio or television. I have been reduced to twenty second sound bites. I also become forgetful, missing details where I prided myself of having mastery of. Nothing is of interest.

And this:
Originally Posted By: Smurf_SMR
I find it difficult discerning my likes and dislikes. I become very indecisive. Motivation becomes lacking. I’m functional but with a haunted sense of dread. I want to be alone. My only desire is to do nothing and to stare off into a pessimistic view of myself

When I’m at work, I do seem to be functioning quite well, except for attention and memory issues. But, I’ve learnt how to compensate for this. So far, I’ve been managing to do the job, and I’m very grateful for this.

When I come home, it is a different story. I want to do nothing. I don’t want to go anywhere. I do my usual routine, take care of the dog and the house. I think from the outside it looks like I’m a normal person. Even my sister has no clue what is happening to me every day. I feel like every day is a groundhog day, just like in the movie. I do my occasional activities, like shopping, meeting with the people, going to my vacation home. But, when I get back home, I want to be alone and just crawl back into my shell. I have to admit that I use alcohol to numb the feelings and distract me from reality (which is a groundhog day all over.) It is like I want to be “comfortably numb” in my free time.

I do experience ups and downs, like Smurf_SMR has described. Sometimes I feel that I’m even making progress, moving on, etc. And then, back to my shell…

Maybe H is in the same kind of cycle. I don’t really feel much compassion for him right now. I guess I’m just the same kind of selfish person.

Thanks for listening.


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BF,

From what I gather of your descriptions of your feelings it sounds like you are quite depressed. I haven't caught up on your thread so please enlighten me, are you on ADs or anything like that? Do you see a IC?

I think it might be helpful to consider meds.

I can personally relate to some of your feelings. I really have trouble articulating myself in an intelligent way. I feel like I'm stumbling on a wing and a prayer when I create a sentence and it may or may not be relevant to the current conversation. LOL Making a point is HARD for me lately, too. I have it in my head but getting it out my mouth or through my fingers to type is a struggle.

A while back I was quite depressed and I can remember the strength it took for me to get on medication for it. Just a few days after starting I notice that the color of the light from the sun was a different color and that's how I knew I was REALLY depressed. It changed everything for me, for the better.

This roller coaster of BD and separation is just a breeding ground for depression but one of the basic fundamentals in DB is to take care of yourself WELL. Sometimes it needs to be forced to get up off the couch and do something we don't want to do only to realize we needed desperately to do it.

I want to encourage you to seek the help you need.

We're here. I'll check in on ya.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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