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I wonder if being a good guy pre MLC is a coping strategy for some, just as drugs and drinking are for others.

They are wearing a mask to help them cope. My xh is adamantly against both therapy and anti depressants. He thinks they mess with your mind, and perhaps to someone whose self construct is fragile, it is a frightening prospect.

It sounds like your husband is running away from everything. Trying to find 'himself' whoever that person is. They just seem to no longer have what it takes to truly care about others. Loss of empathy, or whatever.

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Yes, he would be against antidepressants too. But not against Viagra, LOL. Oh, it doesn’t mess up with his mind…

And I bet he is pretty much sure who he is. It is just people around him are not the right people sometimes. I would be the first one who is not right for him. I don’t know… It is just what it sounded like.

Still no contact from him. This has been unusual in the past 2 years for him to not find an excuse to contact me.

There are two wedding coming up in his family. Two nieces are getting married, one at the end of August and another one a couple of weeks later. Both wedding are in the same town. I am not invited to any of them, I didn’t actually expect it. The only thing that bothers me is that my son is not invited either. So much for the family… Well, he is not their blood, but he was friends with one of the H’s nephews when we lived in the same town. Plus H mentioned before that he wanted to give my son a family ring. Needless to mention that H raised my son since he was 8 and we changed my son’s last name to be the same as H’s (and my.) So, I’ve been quite pi$$ed thinking about the weddings lately. I don’t know if H is going. I’m very curious. I guess I will find out later (from my BIL.)


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Your h has gone into his hole for a while. They do that. They remain silent for a long time and then one day, you'll either get a call, email or he shows up w/an excuse for something. I wouldn't be too concerned about his MIA status right now. It may be a good thing if he's actually working on himself.

I can understand why you would be a bit bothered/annoyed w/the fact that your son wasn't invited to the weddings. He's been part of the family for most of his life...but you don't know what they are thinking or feeling right now, nor do you know what your h has told them. At some point, you'll find out why he wasn't invited and whether or not your h attended.

How is the job coming along? Is it keeping you busy? What are your plans for the weekend?

Try to keep the focus on you and your son. The answers will come....


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2475490 08/03/14 10:56 PM
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Thanks, job. You are always the one to ask me about my work and my life. I really appreciate it.

My work is keeping me super busy, I barely even have time to read the blogs any more. I try to stay updated on everyone’s sitch though. I feel like work is the only thing that keeps me sane these days. It takes my mind away from my sitch, and I’m really grateful for that. When I get home though, I’m back to state of nowhere. Yes, it does feel like I’m in some kind of other reality.

It is hard to have any plans for the weekend, because all I want to do is nothing. I went to my sister’s for dinner yesterday, I did some grocery shopping, and that is it. Oh, yeah, I cleaned up my closet. I have three bags of clothe to give away. This is good, I needed to do it for a long time. I could not make myself to wake up on time this morning to go for yoga. I feel totally drained. If not for my dog, I would not even get out of the house.

It is interesting you mentioned that H might be working on himself. I’ve been having these dreams recently with H in them, where I can actually see his face. And he is not happy. In all dreams he kind of sneaks in the house with one excuse or another. I don’t remember all the details, but in my last dream he came to the house and went to one of the rooms to sleep. It was not my house, it was some kind of hypothetical house, but I knew that we bought it together and he was familiar with it. I was having some company. He came and told me that he was going to one of the rooms. He looked sad and I smelt alcohol on him, but he didn’t appear drunk. Just very sad. I don’t know what inspired these dreams, maybe my reading about stages of MLC and some stories lately.

I feel that there is still a strong connection between us. I don’t know how to break it, and if I ever be able to do it. I need to move on. It cannot be like this for the rest of my life.

On another note, my friends from vacation home (mutual friends) keep calling me and e-mailing me. I think they feel that I’m distancing myself from them. I didn’t take the calls until today. There was a big storm over there and flash floods. My GF called me to inform me that my (our) condo didn’t have any damage. But a lot of other places got flooded or had roof leaks. I wonder if my friends called H too. They said in the past that they don’t get much contact with him while he is working.

I feel like I’m not living, I’m just surviving, working and maintaining the house, waiting for the better days… I don’t know what these better days look like, and I’m not sure if they ever come…

Sorry for the rant. This is the only place where I can do it. Everybody else seems to think either that I’m doing good and don’t need their help anymore, or they are tired of hearing this stuff. I get it. After 2 years of doing this, it sure sounds old. I’m just surprised that I’m not over this, still.


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Dont be surprised that you are not over this yet. It has taken me almost 3 years. It will soon feel better but only if you allow it. Be kind to yourself.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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BF - you are so hard on yourself - a new and demanding job and a relationship breakdown are a lot for anyone to deal with.

Sometimes we go into survival mode to keep going. You are still functioning, but need time to recover emotionally.

If it helps - the recent on-going legal action from my xh has really upset me, because I still do not like having to deal with the person he is.

I would suggest that you give yourself three months and then review the situation. Give yourself permission to do very little.

One view of dreaming is that we deal with stuff from our subconscious. Dreaming is a healthy thing to do.

I felt the strong connection for some time, and in fact I think it is still there, unfortunately. I remember thinking about him a few weeks back, and I suddenly realised he was going to call me - and sure enough he did.

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Bright,
Bea is right. You are very hard on yourself. You are under a lot of stress, i.e., new job and your marriage is in limbo. Those two things will take the air out of your balloon very quickly, especially if you are trying to put on a happy face each and every day you are at work.

Give yourself permission to take a break when you are home. There's nothing that says you have to do things each and every free moment you are home. Don't sweat the small stuff and learn to take some time out just for you and you alone.

I'm glad your condo was okay and nothing was damaged. One less concern for you.

Take care of yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2475609 08/04/14 12:32 PM
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Bright,

I'm sorry you are feeling a bit down.

Be kind to yourself.

In the grief work I've been doing, I've learned that it's normal to cycle through this grief over and over...AND, when we are abandoned/rejected, all previous hurts from earlier rejections rise to the surface. I'm trying to see it as an opportunity to deal with issues I had previously buried.

But, the bottom line is...this is a process, a lengthy one and it will take as long as it takes. :-)

I have the same timeline as you and I'm still working hard to put one foot in front of the other. You're not alone.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
LoisB #2475776 08/04/14 07:46 PM
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Thanks everyone for your support. I fell asleep on the couch last night. Woke up at 5 am, when it was time to get up for work. I almost cried, because I had absolutely no energy to get ready for work. I e-mailed work and told them that I will be working from home today. They are ok with that.

Rick, good to know that this ends at some point. At least gets a lot easier.

Bea, no doubt your H has a strong connection to you. It is just so unfortunate that he keeps doing these hurtful things to you, like pursuing the legal action.

Job, this is the thing, that I only have to take care of myself and my dog. I should be able to do whatever I want, but I just don’t feel like it.

Heather, yes, I’ve been working on my issues too. I think I’ve made a good progress. I just don’t know how long I will be in this grieving process. I don’t see the end of it, and I’m very tired.

I know that I don’t have to deal with the craziness of MLC every day, like other people on this board. But sometimes I wonder if this prolongs my process. H initiates contact once in a while, and he’s been nice and polite lately. I don’t see the anger, I don’t see the weirdness. I wonder if I started to idealize him, like thinking about him as a normal person I used to know. Then I remember the things he did and said and that he left me like I was nothing to him. It makes me angry and sad, and I don’t want that person near me.

I guess I'm on my own rollercoaster right now…


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Bright - You have been at this exactly 1 year longer than I have. I simply do NOT know how you have hung in there this long, and that goes for others on this board who have hung in even longer. This past year felt like just existing alot of the time. Alot of good things have come from all the pain, but I want to LIVE. I do admire everyone still standing - don't get me wrong. That is indeed love being tested a million times over. But, I'm 51. Time's a wastin'. Do you ever feel like that, Bright? I know the little signs can be really encouraging, and you certainly know him best, so you will know what's best for you. Go with your gut, and if that means hanging in a bit longer, do so. I, too, keep remembering those 'spew' things he said and did, and they were pretty bad - something I'm not sure I can ever really get past anyway...Keep moving Bright. You may soon find yourself having an 'awakening' of your own. Make it a great day tomorrow!


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
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