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Gotan74 Offline OP
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So she facetimed me instead of calling and she asked to speak with the kids. She spoke with them about their day and told them goodbye. She then talked to for about ten minutes until I told her to go to sleep I could see that she was tired. I feel very positive about the improvements in our communication.


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I have a lot of anxiety going on right now. If I'm doing the right things to help her come back home. She said that she was worried about my expectations, which I told her I have none. I told her that I'm only hoping for the best and she told me thank you. What does this mean if anything. I want her to come home but what does she think my expectations are. I was too afraid to ask.


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So she called me twice today to see how the boys and I were doing. When I told her goodbye she told me she loved me. Earlier I had made a mistake and told her that I missed her and she said she would be home soon. I'm hoping things are better in her mind but I don't know.


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I don't know if it's because I have not seen her in awhile or that our conversations are short but I am feeling down. Went out with some friends and had fun but then I came home. I hate going to bed it seems so empty.


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Have you read DB or DR?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Read the samples waiting for my copies to show up read the 5ll that I was also recommended to read.


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The 5LL book won't help you. That's basically for those in GOOD marriages.

What goals have you had to try and address what issues your W had with you?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Gotan74 Offline OP
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She had issues with the condition of the house was a big thing for her. She also had a problem with how much time she spent with the kids doing things she wanted to do. With keepingt the house up that's almost a full time job with four boys and a dog. I have also started to make time for the boys to do stuff with therir mother. My goals are to keep this up so she can see the changes and not discount her opinion.


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I was recommended the 5ll book because we are on good terms and she is home more then away. My situation is strange and it is kind of strange.


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Quote:
Sandi one more question. In my stitch my wife was close to a mental breakdown and she had separated herself from the family slowly. She felt alone and probably thought she had no choice but to leave me and our 4 kids. She says that she doesn't want to date anyone just be alone but she spends 4 days a week at home. She doesn't ask for anything but changes have been made. We go out once and sometimes twice a week. Is this ok or am I chasing and pursuing?


Here's some of my thoughts based on what you've posted. Your W is depressed and suffering burn-out. I mean suffering! I've been there. It is horrible! It is not a condition one can snap out of. Is she taking any medication?

I see how many things tie in together. I see how she needs a sense or "order" in her life, I can only imagine how 5 males under the same roof could disrupt her world of order. The women in my family were fanatic housekeepers. If their homes were not perfectly in order, they would become very difficult to live with! I do not go to the extent they did, but it works on my nerves when things are badly topsy-turvy b/c my home is a reflection on me. If my home is disorderly, I feel my life is out of order when i come in and see it. It simply affects me that way, and i can get quite b'tchy about it when it's my H's mess i see everywhere. I wonder if this has played a part in your W's feelings.

There are too many sports activities. I have seen couples with just one child become slaves to sport activities. It consumes their lives. The couple has no quality private time between them, b/c there is no time available. When you multiply this times four.....what does it equal?

She is away working all day. She comes home to what is suppose to be her safe place and to relax.....but instead she sees what looks like tornado alley (in her opinion). She feels overwhelmed at the work left undone. Then her family is running in different directions to the next "event". She sees her H giving his time, energy, and attention to the kids, which is fine.....but when does she get her part? Her emotional needs have not been met for years and the emotional connection and meaningful communication is almost nonexistent between her and H. She begins to wonder if she even fits into this family any longer. They seem to not need her or have time for her. Even the boys turn to their dad for everything, and she feels left out of their lives. She begins to feel disvalued, unwanted, unneeded, and unloved. Her world is out of order and her feelings are confused. She needs to escape to have peace and order b/c she can't deal with it any longer.

The only way she sees getting order is to get her a place to stay that does not include those who cause the disorder in her life. She still loves and wants them in her life, but she is so totally burned out that she can't cope. At least in her own space, she can keep things from getting messy. So in the meantime, she splits her time with the family and staying by herself. She needs the time and space alone to get a sense of stability and control of her own self. You said she almost had a mental breakdown. Was anything done for her? It is very scary to feel yourself losing control and slipping over the edge.

So, yes I can see why she has made this move. At this point in your postings, I am not seeing the typical wayward wife symptoms. You have seen no signs of another man. I don't see a rebellion here. I see a woman who is trying to save herself the only way she knows how. I don't know that she sees it as removing herself from her kids and H's lives......as much as her feeling they removed her. Her survival instincts is about all she has to keep her going right now.

I do see positive reactions from your times spent together. If you are relating it correctly and she's not just trying to be "nice". But being nice is not bad. It's a good starting point. These times you spend the day out going somewhere, are the boys along too? I think the two of you need to go and do fun things together. Nothing serious at this point. Just time together having fun, and letting her have a glimpse of the man she feel in love with years ago. Can you be that guy again? Not romantically.......at this point, but being the man you were. Oh, and do not get that male attitude about her in bed. Just forget about any moves in that area, and don't be trying to sneak in touches while in bed. The M was near sexually starved before she moved, and that is usually due to EN or PN not being fulfilled. But another subject for later. I just know many men see having sex as their triumph. As though they have conquered her again. This is not the challenge here. And, if physical touch is not her LL, be careful cause you are Not stealing those touches during the daytimes with her. She may tolerate a little, but don't push your luck, or think it's building up to try it in bed. She's not there!

The main goal is to not apply emotional pressure. Every LBH'S post I read in newcomers, the guy applies pressure.....and doesn't even realize it. It's part of his pirsuing nature, I suppose. You may see your objective as getting her back home. But that will cause you to press her. Pressing her will cause bad results. Let your objective be to establish a new relationship. As long as there is no OM involved and she is not rebellious, you should never consider going dark or some of the more extreme methods. Every stitch is different.

Please read Divorce Remedy ASAP, or you will just get tidbits here on the board and not apply the correct response to your stitch. The advice given to another poster may not work in your stitch.

My heart goes out to all of you. Remember, this is painful for her too. You may see the problem being easily resolved, but she can't. Your patience and stability in your changes will tried like never before. Look through all the problems and see if love is still there. If so, you can make it.

Show her your manly, inner strength and confidence. Let her take part in decisions regarding her children. And, you make sure those boys show upmost respect for their mother at all times. Lead your family with honor and integrity. These are qualities that all women admire. Don't lose sight of who you are and what you stand for. Your boys are watching. You are teaching them how to deal with their own future relationships with women.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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