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deal with it slowly and one day at a time. let the good times keep coming for a while. once your relationship is strong enough, then you can start working on some of the negatives.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Gotan74 Offline OP
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Thanks I tried to go to sleep it had been such a great day. I feel as though we are working through this. She knows how I feel and she keeps making time for us to be together. I know this is going to take time but it's hard not talking about anything that matters with her. I should just be happy with any and all progress it's just hard not being able to talk and touch my W like I could two months ago.


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Originally Posted By: Gotan74
Thanks I tried to go to sleep it had been such a great day. I feel as though we are working through this. She knows how I feel and she keeps making time for us to be together.

IF so, then keep doing what you are doing and NOT pushing for more. Unless you mean digging deep within yourself, which I don't hear that much of...can you elaborate on what YOU believe you must work on, specifically?


I know this is going to take time but it's hard not talking about anything that matters with her.

Time together without conflict, is a great gift. Enjoy it and build on it.

Let her learn to feel relaxed around you. - To enjoy your company and not feel as if she must give you something. Let her just BE for now.



I should just be happy with any and all progress
it's just hard not being able to talk and touch my W like I could two months ago.


Yes you should be happy with any and all progress. Most people here would be.


She's not ready to talk. That means one thing, & one thing only-- you have to STFU.


Sorry, but it's true. The ability to NOT always ask of someone (which is you making a demand of her) is mandatory. In a way, it seems like a really small thing she is "asking" for, which is just peace and to be left alone.

What are her love languages? Have you read the 5 LL"s? I can't recall if you discussed it here or if it was another thread. But it's very important to realize how empty her love bank was/is and how you can better fill it.

Though she sounds very depressed -- she also sounds as if she's perking up a bit, SO back off and let her keep opening up.

Also, the reference to her "lies" seems a bit too much to me. Her lies seem innocuous. Why must you press her on them?

If I read them correctly, it's not like she's covering up anything but her sadness and inertia, right? She wants to look okay In "public"--- she wants to seem more functional than she has been lately.

So what good would it do to point out that she has not been so functional?

Seems to me that pointing it out would be humiliating for her, and shame inducing. Why would you want to do that?

Also, For the record (not saying You are doing this...) guilt and shame never bring a spouse home permanently.

I mean, I have never seen it.

I HAVE seen guilt get converted into blaming the source of the guilt, like a betrayed spouse who keeps throwing an affair into the face of the adulterer, does NOT get to keep doing it for long. The wayward spouse will begin to feel as if they were justified to cheat b/c their spouse is so unkind to them, so judgmental, so unforgiving and angry, etc. They will blame the spouse they cheated on.


I see that a lot. Plus, most people can only handle feeling guilt or shame for so long.

sure I like to think a conscience motivates one to change, and ideally that is true. But when another person SHOVES the cause of guilt in their faces, it backfires.

I'm just saying, pick your battles wisely, and decide how important this really is. And be ready for blowback that could push you backwards in your progress, a lot more than you expect.

I hope you will look in your area for Retrovaille, as I believe you'd get a LOT out of it.

Also I'm convinced that without some new tools and deeper analysis, you'll be here again in awhile, b/c I don't believe keeping on top of a clean house is the main problem.

GOOD LUCK!!

Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 07/20/14 10:44 PM.

M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Gotan,

I was just reading some of your thread. It looks promising. 25 was asking if you read 5LL if not do it!!

I have and it has really given me some perspective and hope for the future.

Hang in there!!

25 could you take a look at my thread and maybe share some more of your wisdom?


Me 47/W 34
T 16 M 13
No kids
BD 6/2013
W asked that I move out 6/2013
I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013
separate beds not much talking
Served D Complaint 5/2014
W moved out 9/27/2014
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I have it and am going to read it tonight. 25 I have not said anything to her about the lies, it is just bothering me. I am trying to help her and give her space this was a really good weekend for us and that's what I'm trying to do. Not push her and to see what she needs and wants. My problem is that she will go and do anything I suggest but I don't know if I am helping her. I just try to make each day better then the next.
She is going to be in London this week so we will have some distance and space. She emailed me when she landed and said she will call once she is settled in the hotel.
I know I have to be patient it's just hard trying to understand this woman who I have been with longer than I haven't. I know she is giving me and our family a chance I am just very scared I am going to blow it.


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I also and a daily basis think about the things that I have done wrong in our M. All the petty things that I did or caused believe me there is plenty of self reflection going on here.


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Started to read the 5ll and I think to fill her love tank is definitely acts of service,and acts of gifts. I think that's what I have been doing. From making sure she has fresh flowers in the room when she comes home to making sure that the house is clean and trying to incorporate her back into the family. I am seeing small changes day by day.


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Originally Posted By: Gotan74
I have it and am going to read it tonight. 25 I have not said anything to her about the lies, it is just bothering me. I am trying to help her and give her space this was a really good weekend for us and that's what I'm trying to do. Not push her and to see what she needs and wants. My problem is that she will go and do anything I suggest but I don't know if I am helping her.

I THINK You said you thought she wanted to be included more in decision making, correct? And if all the fun things are done while she's at work, maybe delay some so she's not given the cold shoulder when she wants to take the kids to the park, for instance.

You could ask her for her input more. And then you don't have to keep guessing if she wants/needs what you are putting out there. That would talking about something important without specifically making it R talk; just ask her for how she feels about THAT day's plans. Make sense?


I just try to make each day better then the next.

^^ a tall order if taken literally. Let her go at her own pace. You know you've made mistakes, and she's not nagging you to work on them. I get the feeling that she has been feeling undue pressure by being the sole breadwinner, especially b/c it's without much of an outlet or time for her to GAL. Just a guess but a strong one based on things you say she has said.


She is going to be in London this week so we will have some distance and space. She emailed me when she landed and said she will call once she is settled in the hotel.

I know I have to be patient it's just hard trying to understand this woman

A tough lesson I learned is that I had to accept things my h had done, which I do not understand. I still cannot understand his choice to live, alone, in Alaska. But he did that. Then he came back. I accept that it happened and that I do not understand it. So, it's possible you may have to do the same.

Of course, knowing what YOU can do to best support her and express your love for her, is key. You have to understand her, to a point, to do that. And that will require some communications. But don't assume you can or will or must understand her fully.

Plus, we all change and evolve anyhow.
What is true for us today, may not be tomorrow. It's an ebb and a flow kind of thing; much like marriage can be.

who I have been with longer than I haven't. I know she is giving me and our family a chance I am just very scared I am going to blow it.


If you are afraid you are going to blow it, tell me HOW that might happen.

Detail your fears here. See if we can help you avoid some of the pratfalls you fear.

And keep this simple. You do what works or at least does not hurt anything. And you do NOT do what has harmed the R in the past; including pressing her for information.

I also think white lies or lies that don't matter and that she says b/c she doesn't want the world to know how dysfunctional she was being for awhile, is not something you ought to press.

I'd leave that alone, big time. Ask yourself why you are so insistent on getting her to admit it. Do you think you might have the need to over talk things and or, to "win" arguments?

I'm being sincere. It's just that you keep saying you "know you shouldn't care BUT" and then you repeat that it bothers you. As if bothering you means that you must DO something. A lot of things can bother you that you can still leave alone.

Maybe That's part of the patience trait you want to work on, yes?

Sometimes the most loving to say, is nothing.



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Gotan74 Offline OP
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I think the lies bother me because she excludes me and the time we spend together. I know it's pride on my part but it makes the separation and the exclusion from her life fresh each time. I also realize that I should just ignore that and look at her actions. By Sandi's rules even if I don't believe what she is saying and half of what I see the half I see is that she wants to be at home as a family and she wants to spend time with me. Her actions are also different, for example when I went to the grocery store she never use to come. I asked her the other day if she wanted to go with me and she said sure. I'm trying to understand her needs


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Tried some of the advice in the 5ll after she sent me an email. The first email I told her that the boys and I appreciate all her hard work for us. She responded by saying she didn't thank me enough for all that I' did for them. I than went into a longer email telling her how I felt about her. Nothing negative and nothing to put pressure on her. She didn't respond to that one but called to just say hi and that she would call me later after she was done her work. She didn't ask to speak to the kids which she does, so maybe it worked a little.


Me 40 W 40
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