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#2468227 07/12/14 03:01 PM
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Here is link to my previous thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2467956&page=11

Update on the missing red undiestext to H while he was at work
"Found your very SEXY red underware. I would love to see you in these sexy red undies"

H comes home ask me where I found undies, I said in dryer which was the truth. Continue this morning, H said he still looking for black pair, then I started to tease him about them in a "would love to see you in them" H said I was making a big deal


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2468228 07/12/14 03:05 PM
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I told him I think they are sexy, different from what you normally wear. H said "well you have nice panties and bras all different type and matching" "and since I needed new underware I got those and I plan to get some more like it" H even commented that I have on my black lace panties right now. I thought he was alseep while I got dressed this morning. I'm glad he noticed.

I told him I was just teasing him, and I that I just thought his new underware were very sexy and I remember when he used to always buy underware for me to see him in (not sure if I should have added that, but I did).

Oh to run last minute errands for my trip.

All of a sudden I wish my H was going with us, but oh well maybe one day.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2469309 07/16/14 02:00 AM
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2bh I think you are handling things with your H really awesome! I read so many similarities in our sitch, I too had become " absent" at least emotionally for awhile and caught in a cycle of negativity. It coincided with onset of H MLC so who knows if we both made each other worse but I definitely took things for granted.

I hope you have a wonderful vacation with your son- I know how hard it is to keep up the DB face continuously- it's good to get a break and just be. Enjoy!


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
daring #2470497 07/19/14 01:54 AM
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Back home from a very relaxing fun stress free vacation...worth every single penny. I did not want to come home to this M. I felt the stress as soon as I got home. I dont know why exactly...I feel like H was not home that much...same food in fridge...house was spotless...AC was off...just felt wrong..
anyway...i dont know if I want this R or M not the way it is now or the way it was. I dont even really want to see my H when hr gets home from work tonight.
what does this mean? Im want the peace of mind I had on my trip. Im pissed that i feel like he was not home much..so then i wonder where was he and really im tired of wondering , tired of this whole mess!!
Tired of the dont knows , pretending like i dont care..
dam i just got back and it took one thing one worry one unknown to ruin my mood...but I will stay strong not voice my fears to my H.
but i want to be over this hurt and confusion...this worry.
Dammit


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2470601 07/19/14 04:21 PM
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After a GREAT night of sleep and praying before hand. I woke up not even caring about what my H might have been doing while son and I was on vacation.
I woke up rested and in a great mood. Talked to H about getting son football cleets, about upcoming family day trip to amusement park. H initated these conversations...We discussed all the details and off H and son went to search for cleets. H thanked me for the little gifts of playing cards and a shot glass son and I brought him back from vacation (son wanted to bring his dad back something)
I thought today would be hard, I thought I would have an attitude and have to struggle to "be happy" around H today, but NOPE I feel great, no attitude, so sadness and really feel like if H was not home and was out with OW while we were on vacation,,,it was come out eventually...one way or another. Either way it has NOTHING to do with me or my happiness my joy.
Hmmmm,,,maybe I was tired last night from the drive,,,not sure why I was so upset feeling last night?
When H got home last night I was sleep H tried to talk to me, but realized I was very tired. H did sleep in bed with me last night. I think he is now back in this routine of sleeping in our bed with me, it has continued now for over a 2-3 weeks.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2471127 07/22/14 12:51 AM
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Trying to mentally prepare myself for our upcoming anniversary its a month away and I don't believe we will be celebrating it this year either. Last year H tried to offer me to go to dinner with our son (blamed on him having to work).

This year I'm already preparing to NOT be shocked, hurt or surprised if the day is totally ignored by H. I'm not getting H a gift or card, not planning to even mention the day, unless H brings it up.

Things seem to be getting a little better with H, he is less tense, sleeping back in bed, having more conversations with me (no R or M talk from either of us). He is acting a little jealous about where Im going and who Im with. H is hinting at sex more.

And with all that, I seem to be getting more tired of it all. It's easier to not think about my F UP marriage, not wonder about H or how he is feeling or what he wants/needs. I'm starting to not care! This may not be good with H starting to make what could be "making his way back" to M or R very slowly and now each day Im caring less and less about if this M is repaired or not.

I'm starting to feel like I felt when I was a WAS, and now I wonder if what H said was true, I only started to care/pay attention when H told me he no longer wanted to be married, or be a husband any more.

But NO, I know I have been and will continue to work on me, I know I'm a much better person and these are not temporary changes. The stronger I get, the more I wonder if my H even deserves me. I know that sounds horrible. But I'm better person, and not sure if my H is or will ever be the person I need to spend the rest of my life with...

WOW I can not believe I just said that...what is going on,,,what is this,,,

Last edited by 2BHappy; 07/22/14 12:52 AM. Reason: ?

Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2471139 07/22/14 02:09 AM
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Quote:
WOW I can not believe I just said that...what is going on,,,what is this,,,
Does this surprise you? I'm not surprised. You were hurt. Deeply. There was a run up to the hurt just as there is to an easing back down. Kind of like a bell curve (always looks like a pimple to me, but whatever, right?) The curve starts when you got hurt. You rush around like mad trying to fix things. And then as they start to get better, you revisit the pain and it becomes the most critical part of the whole thing.

It's why we always say that when/if the MLCr wants to come back, it's really up to us, the LBS.

Put another way, a R is like two people on a teeter totter. During this dance, one moves one way, and the other moves to compensate for it to maintain a sort of balance.

The trick is to figure out what it was you wanted and want. And then break the dynamic.

There were some posters that posted about this kind of stuff and really illustrated the whole thing. You two are both going to hide behind the wall of protection. Who's going to come out from behind it first? That's really the question.

I think it was Raine that really illustrated the process of her H coming back to the relationship. You should have a read of that.

If you don't, you'll eventually wonder what if? You owe it to yourself to gain some perspective and see what the other side might look like.

You've been hurt. So has he. I'm not surprised you feel like this, if that helps smile

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2471146 07/22/14 02:26 AM
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Thanks AJM
I have trouble finding others posts...if someone has the time to provide me the link to Raines thread that discusses her H coming back to the R I would really appreciate it.
Im not sure what I want right now...I dont want this hurt pain confusion or mistrust anymore.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2471203 07/22/14 06:22 AM
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Hi 2B,
I really like what AJ said. It makes a lot of sense to me for sure. Another way of looking at it is it may not be a coincidence that the more detached YOU become, the LESS H likes it. The less you pursue, the more he is drawn back to you and the M. Unless the detachment is REAL, not just done to try and get him back, it won't work. You have to truly be able to say you are alright without him as much as with him. So, now that you are getting to that point, H notices it. See's that it is real and maybe, just maybe he will be drawn back. The secret is it must be real. This is why they say that it is up to the LBS if there will ever be a R once they come out. Because if it's not, he just doesn't work.

2BHappy #2471227 07/22/14 12:01 PM
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Go to the top of the forum, click on the "Search" button and then type in the posters name, i.e., Raine. That will bring up many of the postings that have Raine's name in them. Her last thread was Stuck On You. Also, change your time period setting at the bottom of the forum (left hand side) to change the month/year of postings. That will bring up about quite a few postings over the last year or so, as well.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2471697 07/23/14 05:37 PM
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Matt, the detachement started out to save my sanity, and to give H the space he needed as he goes thru "this". It turned into me seeing changes I needed to make to be a better me. I know I will be OK with or without my H, I know Im a better person and will continue to work on me.

AJ, I know I want a better M and R with my H. I know I will not accept less then what I deserve. I see my R with my H much clearer now, see where we both made mistakes. I just dont know if my H can or wants to be the H I deserve and want, and I dont know how long I will continue standing. I do know I will continue to work on being a better person.

Job,thanks I will search for Raine and read the post AJ refered to.

Family went to amusement park yesterday, H did a few things that surprised me, when we all sat to eat lunch, H made sure to sit by me, I invited H to ride ferris wheel alone and H did, as we took breaks in park H made effort to sit with me...just little things but I noticed. Once we left park I kissed H on cheek and told him thanks for being patient at park and hanging out. H does not really enjoy amusement parks, we went with adult kids/grandkids, our son, and some other family. H is still sleeping in bed now each night (hope this continues) and H initatied sex without the hints,,,but more how he use to.

THANKS everyone


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2472028 07/24/14 05:22 PM
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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
H is still sleeping in bed now each night (hope this continues) and H initatied sex without the hints,,,but more how he use to.


Sounds like you have achieved a goal you set a while ago.

I hope this doesn't feel like brow beating (as I have a tendency to bring it up a lot), but have you give any more consideration to coaching?


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
woundedfool #2472248 07/25/14 01:49 AM
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Hello...will not be purchasing DB coaching at this time. Using pastor and praying and working on being a better me every day.

I know the DB coaches will be very helpful but I do not have money to spend on coaching...i will look into IC that can be covered by my med ins.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2472251 07/25/14 01:51 AM
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I also plan to reread DR books.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2472323 07/25/14 11:35 AM
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I've started over eating again and skipping my workouts. It felt like DBing took all my energy at times and I ate to comfort myself and stuff down my feelings. Also dealing with my s14 who is at the age where he is trying limits, talking back, anger, not following directions etc...add on my mom who needs my help,,,sometimes it is ALOT all at once.

But today, I'm putting even more focus on my health, and finding another way to handle the stress vs eating thru it.

I THANK GOD that for a couple of months now I have been able to sleep thru the night, no more restless worrisome nights!


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2472341 07/25/14 12:26 PM
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S14 has made some comments about not being able to "talk" to his dad and that his dad works too much.

If H was not already having whatever issues he is having I would mention this to H, but now I'm not sure if this is something I should discuss with H or not?

Like I said S14 is in going thru puberty and H in MLC, just alot right now.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2472351 07/25/14 12:59 PM
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2BHappy,

Others may disagree but your h's R with your s is for him to own. If you try to intervene or help navigate, you will be putting yourself in an unfortunate place. I would suggest reassuring your s and saying that dad is going thru some challenges right now. Remind him that you and his dad love him very much and that he is welcome to talk with you about anything. And I would leave it at that.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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I feel comfortable with that. And I have reassured my son that dad is just dealing with some issues right now that have nothing to do with us! S knows he can always talk to me about anything.

I also talk to S about how he is feeling and how people go thru different changes thruout life and to always try to stay positive and be kind to yourself and others.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Originally Posted By: Georgiabelle
I would suggest reassuring your s and saying that dad is going thru some challenges right now. Remind him that you and his dad love him very much and that he is welcome to talk with you about anything. And I would leave it at that.


100% agree, except I would not actually say the part of telling him he is going through some challenges.

Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
I also plan to reread DR books.


Excellent! Pay particular attention to the goals you have set, and use this as an opportunity to examine how many you achieved. As well as ones you may have forgotten about.

Keep the positive changes going and stay on top of them.


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
woundedfool #2472385 07/25/14 02:22 PM
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Quote:
100% agree, except I would not actually say the part of telling him he is going through some challenges.


I disagree. I think it's important in this world for our kids to trust their instincts. Their instincts are shouting at them...just like they are to us..."THIS IS CRAZEEEEE!!!"

I think it's crazy-MAKING to deny that validation. You don't have to belabor it or go into deep details but there's nothing worse than being surrounded by crazeee and having the people around you pretend it's all ok.

When my grandfather had his MLC, my mother gave me the gift of telling me that he was "sick"...I was 8. She explained that your soul can be sick and make you do strange things. It helped. I never blamed myself. And, I only saw my grandfather once after he left. I knew it wasn't my fault.

Validate your son's feelings. As an adult, he will learn from this experience to identify crazeee and validate himself when he sees it. If it walks like a duck, sounds like a duck...etc...it's crazee. Just is.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
LoisB #2472398 07/25/14 02:35 PM
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I told the boys that Mom is going through some tough things within herself right now (was age appropriate then, 3 years ago).

They have told me they appreciated me not trying to hide it from them recently when we were discussing the the divorce and stuff.

YMMV


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

TSquared2 #2472431 07/25/14 03:18 PM
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S is 14 and even though he does not say much about it, I know he notices it when he make his lil comments here and there. I speak to him openly, even discussed with him 4-5 years ago when I was going thru menopause, so I dont often sugarcoat for him when he ask me direct questions. I just try to explain so he would understand, but in this situation this is his dad issue and I dont want to pretend like everything is ok but dont want son to worry, this is an adult problem and I just want son to know it has nothing to do with him!!!

On a lighter note: When this all started and I took a look at myself I noticed I had "let myself go" and was not happy with it myself not up to my own standards ,,,so I first started off making sure I looked my best for H to notice but quickly it changed to making me feel soo much better and good about myself that is it now truly for me and a habit now that I never want
get out of. Stoped to LOL at myself today,,,need to run son to get allergy shot....before I would have thrown on anything and out the door and I would have not liked how I looked but would not have made the effort I had gotten into a "for what" rut and now I know the "for what" is FOR ME. I was putting on lipgloss, checking my hair, making sure clothes were pressed. I LOVE ME

Heck I might have to one day thank H for his MLC, cause I'm loving myself again, getting back to the woman I want to be!!

Last edited by 2BHappy; 07/25/14 03:19 PM. Reason: .

Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2472434 07/25/14 03:21 PM
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Quote:
Heck I might have to one day thank H for his MLC, cause I'm loving myself again, getting back to the woman I want to be!!


I found this true for me, and I DID thank W... wink


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

LoisB #2472464 07/25/14 03:58 PM
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Originally Posted By: LoisB
Quote:
100% agree, except I would not actually say the part of telling him he is going through some challenges.


I disagree. I think it's important in this world for our kids to trust their instincts. Their instincts are shouting at them...just like they are to us..."THIS IS CRAZEEEEE!!!"

I think it's crazy-MAKING to deny that validation. You don't have to belabor it or go into deep details but there's nothing worse than being surrounded by crazeee and having the people around you pretend it's all ok.


I didn't suggest denying it.... I just have trouble working out this scenario as it was presented:

Mom has convo with kid:

S14: "Mom I can't talk to his dad and he works too much."
Mom: "Son, yea... he is going through some changes now, and is sick"

S14 (to dad): "mom says your sick, and are going through changes"
Dad: "WHAT???".... 2BHappy... what did you say to S14!?"

I don't see a clear path to address this, I am not suggesting denying anything, but the changes/sick line can become a hornets nest.

*If* it was me, I would have the conversation like this:

S14: "Mom I can't talk to his dad and he works too much."
WF: "Yes, he does work quite a bit. But he loves you very much (actually S14 we both do), and works hard to provide us with everything we have. When you feel you can't talk to him, what do you mean? Do you feel like your ignored? or he isn't listening?
S14: Well when he was on the roof fixing the chimney, I wanted to ask him to take me to the mall, and he snapped at me"
Wf: "oh"

wink

Granted, I am really playing up my role play for effect.... but it would be good to have more context. That way it doesn't feel you seize an opportunity to build a bridge instead of what could be perceived as "selling" H down the river.

Last edited by woundedfool; 07/25/14 04:01 PM.

Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
woundedfool #2472477 07/25/14 04:18 PM
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Wounded, it's funny how we perceive things so differently. :-)

Here's my version:

S14: Mom, why is dad acting so weird?
Mom: Why do you ask?
S14: I was trying to talk to him and just ignores me or he is busy working.
Mom: I think your dad has a lot on his mind right now.
S14: Like what?
Mom: I think he is dealing with some stuff. You know he loves you, right?
S14: Yea, but what stuff?
Mom: You need to ask dad that question. I'm sorry you feel like he is too busy or whatever. Can I help? I will try. Right now, your dad may not be able to be there for you in the way you need. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Know that. Sometimes people go through stuff. We love you very much and no one means to hurt your feelings.

The "sick" analogy was something my mom did when I was 8 and much too young really understand depression, infidelity, etc...

But, I think we can still be validating without bombarding our kids with too much information or scaring them.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
LoisB #2472481 07/25/14 04:25 PM
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P.S. As a kid, I received the line, "your dad loves you" over and over when my dad was having what was obviously some sort of nervous breakdown/depression and was having an affair and my world was ROCKED. I was so sick of hearing that line.

Sorta like, "Yes, dad is having an affair and a raving lunatic, but he loves you."

Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. Often, they know what's wrong before we do. I remember wondering if my dad was having affairs long before my mom did. It was condescending to have every therapist and family member remind me of how much he loved me when we were about lose everything because of HIS decisions.

I think asking questions leads to more meaningful conversations..."DO YOU know YOUR DAD LOVES YOU?" And, if not, what about his behavior is making you feel like he doesn't? Then, don't use your spouse as a specific example...but, open up the conversation about the difference between feeling love for someone and behavior.

In my case, I used my experience as a kid. "Guys, when my dad went through a hard time, he was very distant and seemed not to care if I lived or died. He did though...he just couldn't express it then. You know how hard it is to be there for someone else when you feel sick or sad or really angry, right? When you are telling me you "hate me" or whatever...you don't really mean it...you are just having a bad time. That's what going on with dad right now, in my opinion. The love doesn't change, but he may have a hard time showing it right now."

Last edited by LoisB; 07/25/14 04:27 PM.

"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
LoisB #2472484 07/25/14 04:42 PM
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I will ask son more detailed questions if/when he brings this up again.

I do tell him , dad works alot to provide for us. And honestly my H is NOT a talker anyway,,,in good or bad times he just is not a "talker"

I dont know if son felt ignored or if he just wants to sit and chat with his dad. I know they watch movies and talk about sports, and H does have talks with son about sex, school, girls, drugs etc.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2472544 07/25/14 06:44 PM
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Today while H was getting ready for work, I told him and son that I wanted to go see The Rock in whatever movie he was in this weekend! H said "Your Rock is right here" referring to himself,,since he opened the door, I smiled and told him Yes I agree you are my sexy rock, then when he left for work in his cowboy boots I told him he was looking sexy and gave him a kiss on lips. H was blushing,,,,

Maybe just inching a lil closer back to R.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2472583 07/25/14 08:05 PM
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Does H have any hobbies or things he likes to do?


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
woundedfool #2472615 07/25/14 10:01 PM
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Watching football & movies, working out with weights, car shows & cars, playing cards, use to like jazz concerts, use to like having people over to hang out.

But now all he really does is WORK.

Why did you ask that?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2472710 07/26/14 01:23 PM
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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
Why did you ask that?


Well, I don't know. I am just trying to get a better color for the situation.

So I am just rambling here:

There is so much I hear in your story where I can sense and see issues that need to be DB'ed (especially considering the ring off, and original conversations you posted).

But I see other parts that sense you still have very good connections, like maybe you two have just been out of stride.

You mentioned he went to the amusement park... but really doesn't like them. So I see where he "took one for the team". I was wondering if it would be appropriate to do a family activity where it was something he was interested in.

Not a date, not a gift, not trying to "win" any points. Just a family outing geared toward an interest of his?

Just a thought.


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
woundedfool #2473067 07/27/14 10:19 PM
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That would be a great idea,,but right now he only seems to want to WORK, not sure what type of trip/family outing would be interesting for him. H does LOVE watching movies and we usually watch a movie together at least once a week.

Yeah H ring is still off!!! I'm wearing my ring.

The less I pressure H, things are less tense, H seems to seek me out more, conversations easier, H is more agreeable with our family or household conversations etc.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2473678 07/29/14 03:39 PM
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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
The less I pressure H, things are less tense, H seems to seek me out more, conversations easier, H is more agreeable with our family or household conversations etc.


Very good.

Its been a while since you have commented on it, are there any other areas you are experimenting and monitoring (cheeseless tunnels), if not.... why not? If so, care to update us?

also, How did it go with re-reading DB & DR?


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
woundedfool #2475198 08/02/14 02:07 PM
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I dont know how I feel today. I know Im worried about my anniversary coming up and how I will handle it. I'm thinking about if I should even get a card, not sure if H will remeber or if he does, will he even get me a card. I'm not sure if he gets me at least a card,,,and I have no card for him,,,

Well my gut is telling me to have a basic Happy Annivesary card and leave it out for him before I go to work and leave it at that. I'm NOT expecting H to plan anything like I said he may not even remeber or mention it at all, or it may be an after thought once I leave a card for him. I want to make sure that however the day plays out, I dont get too hurt or upset and I dont mention it if he does not.

I'm not really experimenting in other ways while DBing, I dont think its time to invite H out on "dates", he is doing family outings but nothing just us yet, and I have not hinted or ask anymore. I do sometimes just touch him and watch his reaction. When he sleeps in our bed (which is he doing now 99% of the time) I kiss him before leaving for work. Oh I have also a couple of times kissed him before he leaves for work, which seem to be strange, so I backed off doing that.

Monitor, I watch often, to see how he reacts and or pay close attention to what he says, I catch him watching me alot. I ignore his cell phone, his mail, what time he leaves or comes homes certain things I need to avoid to make sure I dont start to ask questions or bring up the R or M.

I have to figure out where I am right now and what I want. So I have been focused on me and my son, and really tired of the whole M and this DBing, I need to wait a while longer,,but getting tired of waiting. I see small tiny signs from H at times, then for a couple of days nothing.

I need to pull back some more now, cause I want to have a M discussion, ask R questions and I know I need to wait until my H brings those up.

It has been a year since no ring for my H, and I thinking after our anniversay it may be time for me to remove mine,,,put it away.

Sometimes I feel like its time for me to move on,,,,stop standing...

Needed to post this today to help me,,,
Feedback welcome, needed,,,


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2475204 08/02/14 02:20 PM
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If you normally get a card, then do so...but nothing really mushing or sentimental. Leave it on the counter and if he gets you a card, great. If the doesn't, at least you've remembered your special day. No expectations if you do leave one for him to read. Okay?

Keep the focus on you and your son. A watched pot never boils.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2475459 08/03/14 07:34 PM
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NO expectations, I will leave a card because the day still means something to me, a card as generic as I can get.

Today H and I had to have a serious conversation with our son about his recent behavior...we are a great team when it comes to our son...and it reminded me of one of the reasons why I love my H.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2475967 08/05/14 11:51 AM
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The last couple of days have been kinda hard, I have been wanting to have a R or M disucssion but I have NOT, I dont know what has gotten me to feel all these emotions about my M again, but I'm doing good still DBing, my H seems to be settling down somewhat...things appear/feel easier between us. BUT I'm still hurt and upset that H seems totally OK with how things are between us, like this works for him. I'm just not sure how much longer this is going to work for me.

I miss doing things as a couple, miss him saying ILY, tired of not being able to call and be sweet to each other, or hug or kiss him if I feel like it, tired of the unknown, tired of not knowing if or when things will change for the better.
Tired of not going on dates.

Yesterday, we had stepson, his GF and D over for dinner and movie,,I was sitting by H watching the movie and was sleepy, I wanted to place my head on his shoulder, but I did not because I had no idea if that would be ok or how he would react or feel and that pissed me of, really I cannot find comfort with my H.
I know I know right now H cannot provide me with what I need from him as my man!!!

And I can hear H saying "now that I want to be in the relationship,,,,and he not so much,,,see how it feels" YES I treated my H bad at times, was a WAS, was distant, was cold at times.

Praying...


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2475977 08/05/14 12:43 PM
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Hi 2B,
I know exactly how you feel! Your S should be a source of comfort, not fear of what they will say or how they will react. What you are living is really just a roommate/co-parent type of R. HE controls if and when you do pretty much anything, even if you kiss or ML. Not only that he gets to do only what he wants to do, even gets to not wear his ring (to me the only reason not to wear the ring is to show the world you are available..period!) just in case some hottie comes along. All he does is work, my W started doing that as well and it was just a way to control. You can't really get angry about that, right? He's working to provide for you and kids, right? Well, he's also over-working as a means of control.

You may have guilt because of the way you were a WAS in the past but lets face it, this has been going on for more than a year now and he isn't getting consistently better. He is in control and he likes that. If you feel that he is fine with the situation like it is then he probably is. That means that there is no reason for him to change things. He gets to punish you for your past "sins' for how long 2B?

The anniversary coming up is a good time to see just how much he really has changed. If he does nothing or acts like you are just lucky that he even allows you to be in the same room with him, why would he care to give you a card? Then I would say you may be stuck in a sitch where you may either be there for the rest of your marriage or you get to a point where you no longer settle for the shadow of a marriage you have now. 2B, there comes a time when you have to see the truth. In my case I did all that you are now, was a very good H, gave space and support. I tried to ignore the bad and reward the good. All it did was delay and give my W time to plan ways to get more for her when she walked out the door. All I feel now is cheated and used and my W is, if anything, worse now that she has gotten what she wanted and is gone from our home.

Just don't lose sight of you having every right to be happy too, 2B. We can get so caught up in how our S's feel that we allow them to ruin our lives and in the end they just end up leaving anyway. You deserve a man that you can feel like is YOUR man, not some guy who you have to think before you even put your head on his shoulder. That's NOT a marriage, that's a guy who is trying to control. They can only do so if we let them.

Matt165 #2475984 08/05/14 01:10 PM
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@Matt

I agree, my guilt from being a WAS is allowing this to continue. I thought I had forgiven myself, but maybe I have not. I know I'm tired of this waiting for changes to happen. I still love my H, but we have no marriage now, not a marriage I want and heck we dont have any real R, other then parents to our son, we are friends I can say that, but I question how good of a friend my H is to me, he has to know this is not how I want to be treated by him. He acts like as long as he pays the bills, spend family time when he can, reaches out to me when he wants to...and all I can ask of him in return is bill money and things related to our son. NOTHING for me as his W.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2475987 08/05/14 01:16 PM
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It has been a full year since the BD. I can see where this started probably 2 years back at least. But once the BD, H acts like he has told me how he is feeling and this is all he can offer me, take it or leave it!

He mentioned a while back that with me it's all or nothing,,,and I should have stood my ground then and said it is what I deserve!
So now I "stand" and accept whatever R crumbs he throws my way.

I need to calm down, relax, pray and pull back more from all of this for a while.

It will be very interesting to see how H responds to our upcoming anniversary. I have already made plans with my friends for the weekend before (it falls on a monday). I had taken off that day, but planning to cancel it, I dont want to be sitting at home doing nothing, so I will work that day.
UNLESS H brings up plans, I will leave a generic card on the table that morning and be done with it.

I did have a dream about H asking me to put his ring back on his finger,,,I dont often have dreams like that or that I can recall the next day...

Been stress eating, gaining weight. Need to focus on losing this weight and getting back to working out.

I think my time of "standing" is almost up


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2476218 08/06/14 01:11 AM
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2B - Matt is right on. He has come a long way, as have you and I, too. It's been 1 year since BD for me too, and I felt like i was approaching my limit too, but lo and behold, H has now contacted a lawyer and mediator and is getting things going. And you know what? I think I feel relieved. I 'stood' for a year, but I knew I couldn't do it much longer. I feel better now that it's moving in SOME direction, although it's not the direction I want. I wish you better luck than Matt and I have had. You do deserve better. Hang in there, and keep praying...


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
LiveNow #2476395 08/06/14 03:10 PM
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I hope for the best for my M and R. I have changed for the better. I know I will be great with either outcome. I know my time of "standing" is coming close to an end. The ball is in my H court, depends on how he plays it now, and he will need to show me very soon the direction he is planning to take. H has not been in control of me, H has been in control of our M, but not me. I have allowed this to go on and I will know when enough is enough for me.
I have given H he space, given him time to sort thru his feelings/thoughts not a full year but few months. I have a plan in my mind to continue standing thru end of year, waiting and praying for signs that my H is ready to return full to M or NOT.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2476397 08/06/14 03:12 PM
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THANK GOD I know in my mind, heart & soul that I'm ready for either outcome. The place Im in right now is good for me, just not good for our M.

H is really now paying very close attention to the changes in me, I can tell from his reactions and his comments. I feel H trying to come back, but not sure how or if he really wants to, but that is his choice. I know what I want and deserve.
I will always be my H friend, just may not always be his W.
Right now I believe that H is my roommate, and I'm his W, that is how he has it in his mind.
In my mind we are roommates, friends and co parents.

Last edited by 2BHappy; 08/06/14 03:13 PM.

Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2476799 08/07/14 04:39 PM
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Today, I wonder what are our chances, do most of the M end up in D anyway no matter how much we DB, not matter how much we change?

I know the changes are for me, and I pray for my M my H,,,

but is the DBing just delaying the outcome,,,


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2476807 08/07/14 05:06 PM
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Dbing isn't about saving your marriage, it is about saving you. It's a "tool box" of news skills to help you learn to cope w/life, no matter whether it is w/a spouse, co-worker, family or friend. It teaches you how to interact w/others, i.e., when to respond, react, etc. The changes you make should be for and about you...not to get your spouse back. Any changes you make, must become permanent and not just a temporary fix to woo him back and you and only you have to be happy w/your changes.

As for dbing, it's not a delay tactic. The person dbing will know when they've had enough and are ready to call it quits. Keep in mind, many people in the real world db each and every day and don't know that they are doing it. It's survival skills that many learn as they go along.

As for most of the marriages ending up in divorce...many of them do because of the circumstances that take place in their respective situations. Some WAS and mlcers want a divorce asap, others drag their feet for a long time and then you have the lbs who grow tied and weary of the situation and divorce them and move on. Other lbs file for divorce to protect themselves and their financial situations. So, for now, don't think about those other scenarios. Keep your focus on you and your situation. You have to have faith, hope and tons of patience to get through this. But, ultimately, when the time comes, you will be the one to make the final decision as to whether you divorce him or if he should want to come home, decide if it is what you want.

Hang in there and stay positive! The future is unknown right now and there is no need to worry about it today. Your focus as to be on what is happening w/you today. Okay?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2477092 08/08/14 03:24 PM
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I totally know and feel that DBing is for me, and it has helped me in other areas of my life.

My H is home now (never left home physically), but not "really". He is my roommate, sometimes sex partner and all the time coparent, and I feel like we are getting back to being better friends to each other, something that we started out as friends. and I like him being my friend, coparent.

I will not focus on others outcomes, everyones situation is different. I will focus on today,,,as it relates to my marriage.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2477121 08/08/14 04:38 PM
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H calls on his way to work,,,normal daily thing

I did not answer 1st call, (which I sometimes do, just because)
answer the 2nd time, I just ounded distracted (really I was thinking what is he going to make up now to say),,,H ask me what was wrong,,I said nothing, nothing is wrong,,,

well the point is, H would have never ask me that a few weeks ago, he would have avoided what I might have said...thinking it was about him or us...

so maybe that was a lil sign,,he was not scared to ask me "what's wrong"

His call was to tell me that our son was not yet home from practice....


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2477142 08/08/14 05:28 PM
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Hi 2B,
What I'm about to say I say out of love and concern. I truly feel a connection with all of us on this board and really want for them the best outcome possible. I did just what you are doing here, look for meaning in every interaction that isn't a spew. Well, my W sent me a text about the price of gas at Sam's, does that mean she is thinking about me and not in a "bad" way? She actually invited me to go to her grandmothers birthday party, must mean she is thawing a bit, right? I could give you a long list but in the end they meant nothing. My W wasn't ever going to be "happy" until she got what she thinks will make her that way...me out of her life, at least as a H.

Before she filed and we were talking about separation, she said that IF we ever were to get back together we would need to take it really slow, like it was all my fault that our M was ending when she was the one who refused to even go to a single MC session. They really want to blame us for their pain, their loss of direction, the feeling of having nothing to show for their life to this point. We are the problem until they are clear headed enough to see the truth.

The fact that he asked what's wrong really doesn't mean much. It may have just been a reflex. I know it's hard 2B, I feel the pain in your words and have (and still do) feel it too. But it just holds us back. After weeks of little things like you describe, one incident of her just thinking I wasn't just going to give in to something she wants and the next day she went to her L, not only filed a Final Decree but added so much crap including changing her name back to her maiden name! Almost 50 years old and she got so angry that I actually asked nicely that I keep a clock and she hates me so much she won't even be known by the name she has gone by for more than 1/2 her life!

By thinking these small things mean more than they do, all we do is set ourselves up for more hurt when it turns out it really meant nothing at all to them. Hang in there 2B. I'm not saying there isn't hope but you must be careful not to see it where it really isn't there.

Matt165 #2477243 08/08/14 10:38 PM
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Thanks Matt
I have NO expectations from my H other then paying his share of the bills as he is still in our home.
Ive read your and others thread and I know better then to get my hopes up. If my H leaves I will be hurt but I will be ok! I have gotten all financial stuff in order. Our house is in my name purchased before we were married.
all utilities are in my name. Ive checked my H would have no legal rights to ourhome if we D. We have no debt together.
I come here to vent to talk it out to hear others advice...so dont worry about what you tell me..its all ok. I will be good.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2477887 08/11/14 07:05 PM
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I had many OK days, many days that were alot better then when the BD last year.
My feelings now are different, not as much pain, but Im tired, so very tired at times of standing, waiting.

Im STRONG, stronger then I even knew I could be.

This is another phase of LBS for me, new feelings..kinda like "I dont care" feelings.

Scary because this feels good for me, but maybe not so good for our R our M. I know I should focus on now, but I'm a planner and I dont like the unknown about my M....hmmm just another phase for me, that I know I will get thru,,,,just more soul searching and praying.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2477892 08/11/14 07:17 PM
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Hey 2B,
That feeling of just not caring may be EXACTLY the thing that SAVES your R and M! I really think that until we LBS's get to that point...for real, not forced or just around our S, nothing can change. Until the WAS really knows that if things don't change for the better they can and will lose you...forever, they just won't make any move forward! It may not "feel" right to you but you're not in crisis. It may be just the thing you need to do.

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Yeah,,,maybe
I was trying to figure out what I was feeling for last couple of days,..what was changing..

H seems to be moving more toward me then away...and now Im more like "whatever" I dont care,,it scares me becuase this is what I kinda felt when I WAS, the things he accused me of when BD.

I dont care, H will have to change for me to remain in this marriage, if he does not I dont care.

Im making plans for my son and I future, making sure I can cover our expenses, this even helped me change how I interact with my son, I was nervous about if I could really "handle" my son if my H was not in the house, so I stepped up and became more direct with my son, more like "I said do " not your dad and I said,,,I have stopped some of the debates with my son, give him directions and expect him to follow without me saying "dont make me tell your dad" and I realize that when my son sees Im serious and confident he listens more (well as much as a 14 yearold listens) just trying to say I know I can raise my son with or withour his dad in our home. My H will always be in his life and presnt and there to help raise, but at the start I had a lil concerned about my H not being here in the house.

Now I know, Im strong enough for my son and I.

This gift of time H gave me, may in the end not be the best gift for him... I know I want him, but I dont need him...and if H does not show more changes sooner vs later,,,I will not even want him.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2477917 08/11/14 08:28 PM
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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
but I'm a planner and I dont like the unknown about my M


So your a planner/list maker/etc?

Don't take this as a life plan... but maybe as a 180 you try doing something without a plan (just a spontaneous event/day/etc)?


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
woundedfool #2477933 08/11/14 09:02 PM
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Hi 2B,

I can relate to how you are feeling. I remember feeling quite exhausted and disgusted at the year mark. I needed something to change or I thought I would go crazy.

I don't know if it's so much an " I don't care feeling" as it is an awakening to the fact that you don't NEED your spouse. Knowing that you can take care of yourself and your children, that things may be hard if your spouse was out of the picture, but that you could do it.

It's a good place to get to.

I think just like our MLC counterparts, we cycle too. Our feelings change, we grow. A lot of different emotions come up on this journey, often surprising us at their arrival.

I do believe the MLCer is always watching us, especially if they are still living with us. But - I'm not sure that any one thing we do or not do pushes them forward or keeps them stuck.

They have to be ready to move forward, get there on their own. And it may very well be teeny tiny baby steps...

I think it's very good that you are still friends and are co-parenting.

Believe me, I KNOW how hard it is being the "friends only" routine. But look at it this way... He needs a friend right now way more than he needs a wife. He can't handle marriage right now. He can't handle a lot of things right now.

Hang in there, you will figure out what you want. No hurry, right? If you are really done with your h and m, that feeling won't go away. But if you have some doubts, listen to that little voice inside of you.

Trust in yourself smile


Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me

~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
woundedfool #2478095 08/12/14 11:34 AM
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@Wounded,,,

This whole situation I have NOT tried to plan, just prayed and taking it day by day.

Tried not to look too far into the future.

So this has been a big 180 for me. But I see what you mean:)

But now that I may be coming to a different phase in my LBS journey,,,,I have looked again at my future for my son and I.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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@Take

There is still doubt, I still have much love for my H. I have learned to slow down and allow things to progress without my input. I have not made a final decision to move forward without my H.

I just know my feelings about standing are changing...But I know I will know when I'm done.

Now I really understand when other posts would say in the end it will be up to LBS if the M continues or not.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2478229 08/12/14 05:32 PM
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Tried something today to see if H would do something with me alone, no family , no son.

It was something boring and something even before BD he would have probably said no to,,,but I ask him if he wanted to meet me at gorcery store, I have tons of food shopping to do and just thought I would throw that out there...

Now before BD he use to ask me to go to grocery store with him at times,,,not often and usually we ended up rushing or disagreeing with purchases,,,

not sure why I tried with this,,,,WOW. But not taking it personally,,,it could be just the place, but I thought it was something that was not like a date so I tried it..

H texted back -NO
We do have to go to school orientation and open house tonight together.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2478234 08/12/14 05:45 PM
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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
Tried something today to see if H would do something with me alone, no family , no son.

H texted back -NO


Good experiment. While not the result you wanted, good to try.


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
woundedfool #2478237 08/12/14 05:50 PM
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I had not tried anything in a while and I just quickly thru that out there...

We have been having sex at least once a week and H has been initating each time,,this could be just sex, or H's way of trying to reconnect with me,,,either way we enjoy and it is whatever it is. Crazy work schedules for H otherwise I think it would be more,,,maybe not. Not overthinking it, just going with the flow...


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2478249 08/12/14 06:12 PM
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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
I had not tried anything in a while and I just quickly thru that out there...


Again, good try.

Brainstorming here... anything you could do to connect work wise?

Take him a lunch? or just show interest? Ask about a big client? Or a deal cooking? (something beyond... "how was your day")?


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
woundedfool #2478478 08/13/14 11:42 AM
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Yes I do talk with him often about his job, he seems to need to "talk" it out and I listen and often check back in on certain details later on,,like there was a person who was being suspended,,I ask later what eventually happened.

We can talk about anything with ease, except for our M or R. I have not mentioned it in a few weeks and neither has my H (H does not want to discuss M has not without me starting the talk since BD).

Not able to take him lunch, he works in a secured building, they dont even leave for lunch.

Last edited by 2BHappy; 08/13/14 11:42 AM.

Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2478859 08/14/14 02:12 AM
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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
We can talk about anything with ease, except for our M or R. I have not mentioned it in a few weeks and neither has my H (H does not want to discuss M has not without me starting the talk since BD).


You have not mentioned in in a few weeks????

Don't mention it at all, for maybe the next year.


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
woundedfool #2478937 08/14/14 11:29 AM
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@Wounded

Yes I think I hinted/mention at R talk about a few weeks ago, sometime late June early July.

My plan is to NOT bring up M or R talk, unless I have decided I no longer want to "stand" bascially if I decide I'm ready to move on and have my H move out of our home and or if I'm ready to file D. If I need to discuss/review boundaries with H, this will bring up a R talk.

But, I do want to see where H is at as it relates to our M, but instead of talking about it, I will pay attention to signs and H behavior. I know men express themseleves in other ways then talk, and my H is not a talker at all!!
Last R talk that I brought up was 6/22 and it started out as a talk about needing to use protection during sex.

Last edited by 2BHappy; 08/14/14 11:34 AM.

Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2479006 08/14/14 03:11 PM
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Phone call with H

Me: Dont forget about football game on saturday.
H: I know I may not be able to stay whole game.
Me: We need to drive separate cars, and why not?
H: need to get ready for work, get something to eat,,,,
Me: Come dressed for work and bring something to eat or eat at game.

Anyway,,,he starts in about how he will do what he can to be there and I told him he will only be able to make a couple of games and need to stay the whole time at those, and that I'm not sure why he can not try to adjust his work scheudle to make more of the games.

He tells me that his dad came to NONE of his games and his mom only came when he was in 12th. I was like our son is not you he wants and needs his parents at his games..this is what he has always known. Reminded me that not all of the boys have dads in there lives and so they will not have a dad at the games.

H then tells me how he has no time for himself and that he also would like to take some time off to go visit his family in his home town. (not sure what this had to do with this conversation about sons games)

So I told him, do what is best for him, he has the schedule of the games and that I would not mention it again to him.

I plan to post the schedule on the fridge so I can back out of this...

I can handle him ignoring me and not spending time with me, but H told me over and over and over again that he was staying for our son, that he needed to be here for our son...

SO I would think attending these games would be important!!!

OK I got mad for a second, said what I wanted to say,,and now I will move on from this...

H is a good dad, I know this in my heart. And for the most part 99% of the time he is right there...so why is this upsetting me so much?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2479033 08/14/14 04:27 PM
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I think you missed an opportunity here.

Guessing from the tone of your post, it feels combative. I don't see much validation in your responses.

First, I would have had the conversation like this:

Me: Just a reminder, S13 has a football game on saturday.
H: I know I may not be able to stay whole game.
Me: So we need to drive separate cars?
H: Yep
Me: OK

You have no idea if he would, or would not have left early. Who knows? But I am guessing now, he will leave early come hell or high water.

If it would have evolved past that....And this is second guessing/hindsight: But after the first line about work, I would have said something a little more affirming: "I know you work real hard, and it is the busy time of year, but S13 really likes seeing you at the games". Or "I understand how you feel about your parents not attending and it hurts knowing they didn't seem to find the time for your interests, but you are a different from them".


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
woundedfool #2479053 08/14/14 06:01 PM
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Wish I had you on speed dial.

I know I needed to pull back and just validate. I got mad quickly,,,so I wonder if something else is bothering me,,,oh yeah I know...my H BD and no longer wears his ring and I have no idea about the outcome of my M, and my anniversary is coming up and I have to be ok with not doing anything with my H to celebrate...OK vent over


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2479073 08/14/14 06:42 PM
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Hi 2B,
My Anniversary is coming up as well on the 21st. Last year W was still at home and she actually said "We could go out if you want. Just don't make a big deal out of it, OK?". Oh, yeah, just our 20th year M, no big deal there! I gave her a copy of our wedding video on DVD, she left it here when she moved out, just like her wedding dress (which she "loved" and treated like it was gold our whole M!).

It's just gets so old always having to be so very careful what we say and how we say it! Here they have ripped our lives and families apart, have said and done so many awful things and we're the ones that always have to be careful not to "hurt their poor MLC feelings". Find some way to "validate" the crazy things they say without totally debasing ourselves and sounding like the nutty thing they just said is just fine!

I know how hard it is when they are still at home, believe me. It's constant and you are always waiting for what's next. Hang in there 2B, you're going to get through this. Breath deep when he pulls his crazy out and always remember to take care of yourself!

2BHappy #2479074 08/14/14 06:45 PM
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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
Wish I had you on speed dial.

I know I needed to pull back and just validate. I got mad quickly,,,so I wonder if something else is bothering me,,,oh yeah I know...my H BD and no longer wears his ring and I have no idea about the outcome of my M, and my anniversary is coming up and I have to be ok with not doing anything with my H to celebrate...OK vent over



EXACTLY!!! Vent HERE not to him!!!

Your definitely not getting an anniversary card from me... so no big deal if I get offended smile


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
woundedfool #2479140 08/14/14 10:28 PM
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Hi 2B~

"Me: Dont forget about football game on saturday.
H: I know I may not be able to stay whole game.
Me: We need to drive separate cars, and why not?
H: need to get ready for work, get something to eat,,,,
Me: Come dressed for work and bring something to eat or eat at game."

Be careful here, 2. This sounds a bit like mothering. If there's one thing the MLCer really hates, it's being questioned/told what to do.

I get it. You want to know what the heck is going on. You want to make sense of what he's doing, the choices he's making. Sometimes, that's just not possible.

I remember one time, a little over a year post bomb, H came to me with this ridiculous story of how he was going out with his brother, but then he was going to spend the night over a friend of his brothers - someone he'd never met before. It made absolutely no sense. It had ow written all over it. I of course did ask him questions about it.

Urworthy and Job both gave me the same advice - just let him be. That the more I questioned him, the less he would hear me. He would only think - "There goes TVS again, blah blah blah...".

Let him do his thing, you do yours.

The anniversary thing is tough, SO tough. Special occasions and holidays are difficult for them, a reminder of so many things.

Our first anniversary post bomb was our ten year. We did nothing to celebrate, I think he hung out with ow.

I left him a card on the kitchen table to open with no one around. He did thank me later on.

So if you want to acknowledge it with no expectations, you can. See how you feel. Know that just because he doesn't acknowledge it, doesn't mean he forgot. He just can't go there right now.


Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me

~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
woundedfool #2479169 08/15/14 12:02 AM
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Yes, I will vent here.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Im going to get a card and leave it on his nightstand in the morning before I go to work. Not going to say the anything unless he brings it up.

Last year he tried to pay for son and I to go out to eat, I said no thanks.

This year if he offers it, I might just do that and pick the most expensive place for our son and I to eat. LMAO.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2479433 08/15/14 08:02 PM
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OK I'm feeling some kind of way,,,been feeling this for a couple of weeks, maybe since I came back from vacation with s14.

Its like on the vacation I was so relaxed and not watching every word out of my mouth, not having to look at my roommate (H)and not cuss him out if I want to.

I keep hoping this feeling of me wanting to be done with my M would go away...it has not. Now I'm scared, scared because I feel done, want to be done. This H I have now I dont want, and tired of waiting,,,

I see small tiny steps,,but not enough and really they come and go as soon as they appear...

I need to make sure my emotions are not leading this thought, this need to come from my whole soul.

Is it the anniversay coming up that Im preparing to ignore, that I'm planning to avoid.

I put this ring back on, I want to take it off, the reason why I dont,,,I dont want others to see me without my ring, to ask questions or to wonder what type of wife I am. I also worry about what H thinks when I dont wear my ring,,then I take it off and I feel sad, naked without it...and the worse part when I dont have it on and get attention from other men,,,this worries me also,,,

so I leave it on and I sometimes get angry when I look down at it.

Ok, Im emotional right now,,,its the weekend going to have a glass of wine zand get some extra sleep tonight...

S14 has a game tomorrow, after that I need to figure out something to keep me busy this weekend.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2479461 08/15/14 09:10 PM
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It's been over a year since I've had a real date and some good ole fashion hot ML with some sweet nothings being whisper,,some holding each other all night,,Hell its been over 2 years since something like that. A dam long time since a man has looked into my eyes and told me he loves me, calling me just to say Hi, I miss you I love you...

Hell maybe this is why Im so dam antsy...


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2479472 08/15/14 09:31 PM
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2B,

Same thoughts for me today, too. Not only do the pains and scars of rejection seem never-ending, but the feelings of longing to be cherished and held.... Valued. Honored. Loved.

That does make us antsy!

Shining #2479648 08/16/14 11:58 AM
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EARLY this morning, I noticed H is still awake watching TV in bed, I was very tired but made a comment
Told H I would like to be held, told H that there are things I need as a woman...then maybe I said something else like "that you are not giving me" but I was so tired I honestly dont know if I thought the last thing or said it out loud...Iknow I said the first two out loud. H was very sleepy also so not sure how much attention he paid to anything I said...

But he does initate sex...he probably thought I was talking ONLY about sex...

I'm not going to follow up on the conversation today, cause if he did hear what I said, good,,,if not I will leave it alone for now, I dont want him to feel like if we have sex then I'm going to want to have a deep conversation. I know that is too much pressure for him now.

BUT every day Im getting more set in what I want, even though I might not have it right away even if I leave my M, but each day I'm thinking about leaving. At some point there will need to be a R or M discussion, I dont want my next discussion to be me telling my H that I want him to leave and I want a D. Or maybe that is next discussion I will have, IF H does not bring up our M or R, then why should I at this point.

I do want to tell my H my needs as a woman, I want to go on dates, I want to be held, I want to ML often, I want to feel loved by my H.

Need advice, dont hold back, I feel myself slipping..something else is changing in me.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2479803 08/16/14 11:58 PM
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Wanting 2BHappy,

Thanks for your post on my thread.

Do be encouraged! Follow the advice of the vets here.

My husband said many times "its over. No hope of getting it back. I am never coming back to you. The spark is gone and it will never come back."

Yet, here we are blissfully in love....a much deeper-then-infatuation love I never dreamt possible.

Take courage, take care of yourself! Let time go by and work on the things that were wrong in your M and areas you wish to improve for yourself.

I remember the desperate wanting to be loved, be held. I remember reading here on the forum, what is the point of waiting for a man who hasn't kissed your neck in over a year? I felt so lonely, so alone.

Yet, in some ways, my husband felt worse than I did during this time. At least I was faithful and kept integrity. He was lost, confused, alone and drowning in alcohol and partying. He went through emotional anguish especially as the tunnel squeezed him at the end.

It was awful for both of us...but you know what? He said this week "we both agree that what we went through has strengthened us both and made our M better." Its the crucible.

Hang tight!

Hugs,
rH


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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Another day of standing.

I will continue to work on the changes Im making to be a better me.

Need to read more success stories this week. I know some M make it and some dont. Right now I need support to keep standing.

H was joking with me today before he went to work,,,and I told him "dont talk to me like that...I'm your best friend"

We both LOL, but H had this strange look on his face, like he was surprise by me calling us friends.

Dishwasher is broken I told H I wanted a new one, he was like you want new furniture, a GPS for car,,he was like we need to work on those first said he will fix the dishwasher himself,,,

I heard "Im still here no plans to leave anytime soon"

I felt " how long can it go on like this"


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2480965 08/20/14 03:07 AM
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H day off we cooked dinner kinda together..
I wanted to tell him how I'm feeling...I wanted to say if u are not ready then let's end our M.
Instead I prayed and ask GOD what else do I need to learn from this...almost immediate "self worth" came to my head...hmmm
I know I'm worthy of love I know my self worth...no idea how I'm to apply that now...other then to leave my M.
Im confused I don't know what to do.
Maybe I need to think about this some more and figure out if standing is somehow affecting my self worth?
Is this another phase of LBS or just another day closer to me no longer standing?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2481059 08/20/14 11:43 AM
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2BHappy,
When in doubt as to what to do, do nothing. Sit quietly and the answers will come. You can't rush the process.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2481079 08/20/14 12:39 PM
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I feel so torn, I was in a good place, now all these feelings and confusion is back. And I think its because I'm ready to move on with my H, but Im scared, worried that I may not be making the right decision, worried that this is because Im tired of the situation but maybe not really done, worried that this is because I just want my H back now, better then ever.
I have been waiting, praying, hoping.
I see small signs from my H, but too scared to even trust those signs.
Im tired of feeling like this, it's a year now why/where are all these feelings coming from now...now when it seems like H is getting a lil better..
Sleeping in bed every night (very late) but in the bed, seeking me out more, asking my advice again, but the things I want from H is not there, and now also Im thinking about his A and I wonder , can I really ever trust him again, or better yet do I want to trust him again, if H comes back, do I want to put myself out there again, to trust him, to be there for him,,,I feel like my H does not deserve me, when I think back on our M,,,there have been things I did not like, things I needed from H that he did not give me,,,so really truly I dont want the old M or old H back. It would have to be brand new start over,,,not sure my H wants that or even has it in him,,,
How long will my H continue on like this, I thought by now he would have moved out or started to work on M,,,and maybe his small signs are him working on himself,,,and maybe the time is up for me,,,,

BUT since I've very emotional I will be quiet, continue to work on me, working to be a better person, stop focus on my H. For a while I was able to not even really think about my H thru the day, like only when he was in my presence, now again thru out the day my thoughts go back to my H and my M.

I need a break, need more GAL, focus on my son, my weightloss, my family (NOT H) and my job.

WHY do I feel like Im going backwards..


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2481083 08/20/14 12:49 PM
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What you are feeling is very normal for someone who has a spouse that is slowly inching his/her back to reality. Yes, you are scared and worried about him, the relationship and how things should/will be. It is very normal.

You are seeing small signs of reconnection and you aren't sure that you can trust those signs. Again, very normal. How long does it take for him to return to reality? It will take as long as it takes until he's completely healed. One of the things that you need to do for now is accept him for who he is and not the man you married. Once the full reconnection takes place, it is another 18-24 months before the crisis person will settle down and become the mature person that he/she will be. You've got a ways to go and there are going to be many ups and downs and you will need to keep your expectations very low or zero. You will see him swinging back and forth, i.e., coming close and then distancing. You will see him withdraw every once in a while to think. All very normal.

You, on the other hand, will become frustrated, disappointed, upset, and impatient quite often. If your spouse is truly reconnecting, this will be hardest part of the MLC journey for you. Why? Because the signs are starting to appear and you get anxious and want it over and done with. It doesn't happen that way and that's why you need to accept him for who he is today and dig deeper for patience. Stop expecting him to be the man he was pre-crisis. Stop expecting him to respond to questions the way you think he should, stop expecting him to do or say things that he would have done pre crisis. This is a new man, new relationship, which means once he's come out of the crisis completely, he may think and/or act differently. He may determine that his lifestyle is going to change, i.e, if he was a workaholic, he may opt to relax a bit more. Some do retain a few of the mlc traits after they wake up and others don't. So, for today, don't watch the pot boil. Focus on you, your son and your interests. Leave the rest in God's hands. Your h is not fully baked up and it's going to take a while before that occurs.

If you haven't read this thread, I suggest you take some time and do so:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...e=69#Post190969

Last edited by job; 08/20/14 12:50 PM.
job #2481103 08/20/14 01:46 PM
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JOB
THANKS, I need to read what you just said, I feel like Im going crazy,,,

I will read the thread TODAY, and I will sit back and watch the show.

I will post out my feelings in hope that I will avoid a blow up or M or R discussion with my H.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2481109 08/20/14 02:09 PM
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Something else...
I do NOT like wearing my ring. I wear it cause Im still M. And because I dont want to answer alot of questions when folks notice me not wearing it, and I dont need or want attention from other men now (too tempting)...AND I worry that if my H is trying to come back and notice Im not wearing my ring he may withdraw or it could have a negative impact on outcome...

BUT I really get upset when I have to put it on, and when I look at it during the day...

Thoughts on this...PLEASE


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2481228 08/20/14 08:19 PM
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Hi 2B,
It took me a long time to stop wearing my ring after W stopped wearing hers. I finally stopped when it seemed that by not taking it off it looked like I was pursuing her or trying to stop her from getting what she wanted, a D and away from me and her "bad M". The week she took it off she went to FL to visit her dad. She came back talking about how she was so outgoing and talked to so many strangers (which she never used to do). Thing is she started telling me about the people who she spoke to and they were ALL MEN. One even tried to follow her off the plane to get a drink together and when she said no, he came back and asked her questions about how to find the right gate, where to go, etc. (obviously trying to pick her up!). She told me this with a wicked smile and look like "ha, ha. How do you like that H!". To me the only reason a person who is still married no matter what is going on is to show the world they are "available"! I really got upset about this, bad moment. But even then I didn't take mine off. I didn't think it was fair to someone who may be interested to find out that I was still married after thinking I wasn't. It all ended when W said she went to lawyer and was going to file. That was it for me. I took it off.

In the end, it's really up to you and how you feel. H is not going to change anything whether you wear it or not so if it bothers you, I would take it off. The M it represents is gone forever anyway. If you ever do reconnect with H, it will be a brand new R. Neither of you are the same people you were before all this and any new R will have to start from a whole new perspective, IMO. In the end it's how do YOU feel and what do YOU want.

Just my thoughts.

Matt165 #2481231 08/20/14 08:29 PM
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2BHappy/Matt,

I did the same.

I wore my ring, even told H that as far as I was concerned, I was still married.

Then after he served me, I replaced it with another ring, for a new chapter. It was supposed to fit on my ring finger but I'd lost so much weight.
I told him at the time that I wanted to wear something because not wearing anything "gave people the wrong idea." (Mainly, MEN.)

So I substituted the silver wedding band he and I got before we were married, (but were engaged) on a vacation in NM.

I wore this for quite some time, but after so many months of looking at his naked hand, his ring supposedly thrown in his desk drawer at work, I just took it off.
It no longer felt "right".

I loved wearing it before, it was a coat of armor against unwanted attention.
Now that armor is gone, and I'm not ready...

I felt too that wearing it was like pursuit, holding on--not letting him go.
I had to take it off to say "You're free. And so am I."

Not that I really feel like that, but I needed to make that statement to him.

I think after everything, it was HE who wanted to "Move on" that he wanted ME to "Let go"... but I don't think it was ever in his plan that I would "move on" as well.


*Sigh*


Sorry for the highjack.

Funny--- I notice wedding bands all the time now... and it's a bit of a trigger to see a man wearing one.
I think to myself:" Wow. There's a man who publicly declares his commitment to his wife, something my H can't do for me."

And then I think of something else.
Like Cappuccino.


Hang in there,

---GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



GoatGal #2481245 08/20/14 09:21 PM
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I don't think my H would notice..when home I always take it off, housework etc. When we go someplace its family event he might notice then...maybe

I don't think I can handle the attention without it..since I've been GAL and making sure I look good on the outside I been getting some attention even with ring on. I can say I had let myself go a lil...put on a lot of weight over the years...but when I get myself ready to go anywhere now I make sure to spend lil extra time on me.

I told my friend and she told me men always notice me and give me second looks I just always ignored it...now that I feel so lonely...I don't need the temptation.

But this ring...I guess for now I will wear it when I feel like it. If H filed for D or moved out I will take it off for sure.

Do u think my H could see me wearing it as pursuit or most likely that I m not moved on...
I will probably not wear it with him..
I also think about the example I'm setting for my son...I'm sure he notices more then we think. Back to I'm still married should wear this ring....
Now I'm on my own dam roller coaster---sTop I feel sick I need to get off


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2481453 08/21/14 09:00 PM
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OK, Anniversay is next monday. UGH...

I'm setting up GAL starting this Saturday, I need to stay as busy as possible to avoid dwelling on a anniversary that will most likey not be celebrated:(
Monday may be really hard especially if H does not work that day.

I dont even know if a card left on his nightstand that morning will be seen as pursuit and or me not hearing or believing him when he BD last year.

Wearing my ring, does he see that as pursuit?

H did call me today about a purchase I wanted to make and he said since I also want furniture that we should go out looking for furniture and use the money towards that. This furniture would be in his man cave (basement).

What is this? Is he not planning to leave ever? Dose he think getting furniture will make me "happy"?

If he is sticking his head out of the tunnel, I know I need to be there, but not pursuit just let him know its ok?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2481605 08/22/14 12:46 PM
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Welcome to the world of MLC!

If you leave a card on the nightstand and it's not mushy, I wouldn't consider it pursuit. It's just recognizing the day for what it has meant to both of you in the past. If you don't want to leave the card, then don't...but don't sit there straddling the fence and asking yourself "should I or should I not". The question should be, would I do this if things were okay. Are you a card person? If you are, then do it w/no strings and/or expectations attached to it. A simple card, nothing more.

As for wearing your ring...that's a personal decision and many of the crisis people don't see it as pursuit. Some will say something about it, but if your h hasn't said anything to you, then wear it.

As for the furniture, he was having a moment of clarity and quite frankly, I don't see your h leaving home unless you rock the boat and put him out. Yes, he may say things about leaving or divorcing you, etc., but his actions state something different. He's comfortable there and you aren't making demands. In his own way, he's trying to keep things civil and wants to keep things on an even keel so that he can get the furniture. He may think that if he offers to go furniture shopping w/you and you get what you want, you'll not rock the boat about what he wants to purchase.

From your posting, he may have been having a moment of clarity, but they are short lived because eventually, they go back into the tunnel for a period of time.

Try not to over analyze what he says or does. You are going to drive yourself crazy doing this. Always remember, actions speak louder than words. Try to keep the focus on you and your family and allow the man upstairs to do his job.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2481728 08/22/14 05:41 PM
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Yes, been praying ALOT, I dont think you can pray too much.

I'm a card person, and I decided to get a card and leave it on nightstand.

H has never mentioned my ring, I have caught a 2nd glance to my finger from H when I did not have it on.

Actually H does not remember dates, the card might remind him it's our anniversary...he is usually off a day or 2.

Today as H was leaving for work, we were talking about son & football ...I noticed him lingering,,,he actually came into where I was and leaned in for a goodbye kiss that has NOT happen in a while..a couple of months, I have given him a couple to test waters but not him actually coming in for a kiss goodby.

I agree that unless I rock the boat my H may not leave our home. I "think" he is not sure what he wants, he also does not want to be the "bad" guy and leave his family, he may also be comfortable here in our home, he may be cake eating, some comments he has made makes me feel like he is not ready to let me go. @Job that was alot of over analying I just did.

H has never mentioned D it was me who brought it up one time last year. H has offered to leave he said if it would make me feel better, he also threaten to leave once when I was being very emotional, crying , telling him off etc...but nothing since I think April.

Oh I also had to validate today...his niece, she and I have not been the best of friends,,,well she challenge me to the ALS ice bucket challenge, H was like I bet she did, I said why you say that,,he was like you have been mean to her for years...at first I said no it was mutual etc, and started to defend and point out her issues,,but then I said you are right "she and I started out on the wrong foot" but we are better now and he said yeah now you guys are...

I overthink toooo many things, so a 180 for myself will be to work on this in general not just as it relates to my M.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2481739 08/22/14 06:12 PM
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Hi 2B,
Just wanted to say that you never know what may set them off and out the door. My W offered many times to leave if it was "too much" having her around knowing she wanted to leave. It was like she so badly wanted me to tell her to go so it wouldn't be HER choice. In the end it wasn't anything I did that pushed her out the door. She found someone to tell her to do it (her father) and could therefore say that she was doing what HE thought she should do. It didn't matter that he was the ONLY person she knows who told her that she should leave. That her own mother was telling her to stay and try to work it out.

In the end, it really may have nothing to do with anything you do or don't if he stays or goes. Remember that. By the way, my 21st anniversary was yesterday. I was so worried what to do as this is first since W left. Turned out I was so busy doing things with my D's that I totally forgot about it! I woke up this AM and noticed the date and realized the day had past and I didn't think about it once! Didn't get one word from my W (soon to be ex). She's been gone just 2 months now and I've detached so much more in these 2 months then the year plus after B-day. You will be OK whatever happens, 2B. Remember that and you will be fine!

Matt165 #2481742 08/22/14 06:28 PM
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@Matt

Thanks for the support and I know I will be great with whatever outcome.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2481906 08/23/14 02:40 PM
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So H and I had a great morning (wink wink) then as we were talking about our son and what his plans were today, I mentioned I would be out with my friends for dinner, H gave me a look that included a raised eyebrow and smirk, I said what is that look, H said I did not know you were going anywhere today...

I said yes we are going on our monthly outing. H responded with "oh" I only knew you were going to hair apt today"...

I wanted to continue with things like..."or you ok with this" "do you even care where I go" or "why do you care" "why do you need to know where Im going but I keep my mouth shut and as he walked out door for work I gave a cheery "have a great day"

H was use to me giving him a play by play as far in advance as possible of any upcoming plans I had. So this has been another 180 for me, I now only tell him IF it comes up, or if I doing something when he will be home.

But this felt like this could be like Im hiding something,,,,and I dont want H to feel like he can not trust me, especially IF he is trying to come back out of the tunnel.

So what are your thoughts,,should I go back to giving him a heads up on my plans? H does not go anywhere really but work and if he has plans he usually lets me know..and has continued to let me know,,,but I know there had to be a time when he was someplace else that he did not tell me about,,,,like with OW!!!!!


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2481919 08/23/14 03:44 PM
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I would only give him a heads up if you are going to be gone for a period of time. He doesn't need to know about your short trips unless a conversation comes up and you mention the outing in passing.

Continue as you have been. You do not want to fall back into your old ways, i.e., changes have to become permanent.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2481957 08/23/14 08:00 PM
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I like the changes Im making. Praying they help my M, I know they are helping me.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2482210 08/24/14 11:15 PM
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Anniversary is tomorrow.
I really dont think H has a clue,,he was talking to me about S and he helping a neighbor out with their yard this week on his day off. And even if he does know I dont have any expectations to celebrate which is good for me sad for M.

It was hard to find a non mushy card. Here is what I found
On front- Love isn't in the failling. It's in the staying there.
Inside- Happy Anniversay

I draw a heart (avoided writing I love you )and then signed my name inside.

I hope this is not too much and H does not have any negative reactions or feel pressure from this card. BUT if he does he will have to just deal with it.

I will leave it on his nightstand when I go to work in the morning.

I will wait and see what his response/reaction will be.

I was very busy GAL this weekend, and I have plans for Thursday-Saturday upcoming. Tomorrow I might go out with a friend for drinks, chips and salsa. I dont want to be sad tomorrow...dont want to sit around and dwell on the day. I plan to stay very busy tomorrow.

I did initate a kiss goodbye today as H left for work, he gave me one the other day,,,so I gave him one today.

Going to have me a glass of wine 2night and veg out in front of TV until time for bed. Im stronger then I thought....this time last year I was full of sadness and crying ALOT.

So thoughts on the card...too much or just right..?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2482424 08/27/14 08:18 PM
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UPDATE

H left me a gift of a GPS with a post it note "No card, same to you"

I did not expect a gift at all. So I thanked him and ask if there was anything he wanted. He mentioned some boots that he has kinda ask for on his bday, fathers day and last christmas...so when I got home I told him to let me know where they were..I went ahead and ordered them for a gift for bday, fathers day and anniversay.

we the night sitting on deck way into the night just talking WOW it was better then old times, we LOL at the crazy things our son does, LOL at family, and just LOL in general. NO talk about our M or R or even mention of anniversay. It was kinda like how you would talk and LOL on a date, just enjoying each others company.

We then ML. It was great!

BUT I know he is not out of the tunnel, not ready to fully return to M (if ever) and this was a small peak into how it could be. I hope he felt that way too, but I will continue to work on myself, GAL etc.

Oh before I came home I ran some errands, got home alot later then I normally do, and instead of H calling me to ask me where I was, H harrassed our son about my whereabouts, even telling son maybe she is over cousins and made son ride bike around corner to see if I was there..when I got home H said where were you did you have to work late,,,I was like a little and changed the subject (that was mystery).


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2482449 08/27/14 09:12 PM
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I think you've handled everything okay. At least he thought of you on your special day. It's not the most romantic gift, but it was the thought that counted. I like the idea of you ordering him the boots.

As for him wondering where you are, sort of reminds me of a child worried about where his mom is at all of the time.

Keep up the good work.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2482464 08/27/14 09:48 PM
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JOB
Thanks feels good to see small tiny changes.

It was a much better than I thought it would be.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2482576 08/28/14 02:53 AM
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2B I'm glad your anniversary was an enjoyable day for you and you spent some quality time without pressure.
My 20th was last December and I was a mess. H did take me out to dinner and get flowers though.

It's nice that there is still some connection- reminds us that deep down there is still love, it's just buried under their confusion and pain.

Hope things continue to look up for you!


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
daring #2482866 08/28/14 11:35 PM
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Thanks Job & Daring

I felt much better then anniversary this last year, praying next year will be even better.

Paying for that midnight talk on the deck, bug bites all over my feet. But it was soooo very worth it.

BUT then,,,,last night H slept all night on the couch again?
I hope he just was really tired and fell into a hard sleep...not that he was pulling back a little based on the day we had before..

Oh well, teeny tiny baby steps.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2482868 08/28/14 11:45 PM
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2B,

Maybe he is pulling back a little BUT he can't ignore the night spent on the porch and the emotional connection of ML. Pulling back a little to get perspective, to consider events, to feel, to think... this is all normal. Maintain the status quo with you. Observe. Take care of yourself.

Hugs!


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Ss06 #2482877 08/29/14 12:11 AM
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Ss
This is what I pray daily to continue GAL and working on me.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2482994 08/29/14 12:01 PM
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job Offline
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Continue your galing and one day, you will discover that you actually have detached and are enjoying your life once again.
I think you are doing just fine.

BTW, you may want to think about starting a new thread. You've exceeded the 100 posting limit and your thread may be locked soon.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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