I just kept having this GUT feeling about where I was with H, and something about that credit card statement kept poking my brain.
I have not seen a statement in a few months, and I get all the mail.
I don't know what possessed me---the devil made me do it!!!
The one good thing is this: Not very long ago I would have been flipping out.
Now I'm just disgusted... annoyed... but I'm not sad, angry, or heartbroken.
I THINK I MIGHT BE DETACHED!!!!
I had been hopeful that he was starting to "see the light" with some of his statements, and this doesn't necessarily negate that.
It's funny, here he is looking for a "serious relationship" and yet--HE HAS ONE. With ME!
I'd understand if I'd treated him terribly and he got sick of it and left. But that's not what happened.
I was thinking about that today and realized one difference between us: I may not have been a perfect wife, but I never did anything that I knew would hurt him, I never betrayed him, and I always respected him.
He'd be lucky to find someone like me.
He can not say the same. About either of those statements.
He'll figure it out. Or not.
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Your H went further than my on a dating site. My H’s profile is not complete, there is no picture, and he didn’t write anything about himself.
Originally Posted By: GoatGal
In order to view his profile, I had to create a profile.
I did the same when I found out about him signing on this site.
Originally Posted By: GoatGal
Well, he'll figure out that most women 50+ are going to either not be his type, or they'll have baggage of their own, and will figure out pretty quickly that he's not who he says he is. And I don't think he's going to be all that attracted to them.
This! All of the avove and my H also would not want the kids around. I’m actually curious what he would post about himself. I’m thinking “Like to hang around at the bars, drink like fish, make inappropriate jokes, and then pass out in my camper parked nearby.”
Originally Posted By: GoatGal
Meanwhile, he's got a hot babe who is compatible with all his "interests" right here at home... probably the best thing he'd find on there!
And this! It’s been 2 years since BD for me and H still hasn’t found a “Harmonious” relationship for his “phase of life” after me.
Originally Posted By: GoatGal
The REALITY is he is five years older, has a wife, has sexual/relationship issues.. and finding somebody "new" is not going to "fix" it.
And this! Sometimes I wonder how my H thinks the things are going to work out with a “new” woman, while he is not divorced and has a wife who shares the vacation home with him.
A lot of things you posted so resonate with me. I find lots of similarities in our sitches. I’m just not as good a writer as you are.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
GG, I would remain dim for a while. If you reach out now, he may begin to wonder why you are doing so at this particular time.
Everything he is doing is perfectly normal for those in replay. He's trying to recapture his youth and wants to see if he missed something in that time period. As I remind new posters periodically, MLCers are going back to a time where they were emotionally stunted, by this I mean they could have been ignored by their parents or someone in an authority position, they could have been abused emotionally/physically, not admired or recognized for their accomplishments, etc.
Your h reminds me so much of my xh and the things he did. The new way of meeting people is online. They can fabricate their new lives and post it on line and the posters don't have a clue if that is the truth or not...until they meet them. Some even post photos of other people or a younger self. It's difficult to really know what is the truth on those sites until you actually begin talking to them and really listening. For example, I went on eHarmony many years ago and actually found a very nice man online. He told me that he was outdoorsy, athletic, etc. Well, we met up and he was no more outdoorsy than my couch. He was white as a ghost and could barely keep up walking the Mall in DC. All he wanted to talk about was his low testosterone level and not being able to perform w/the women he was meeting in bars and online. I looked him straight in the eyes and advised him to see a MD about the problem and make an appointment w/a shrink. From that day forward, no more online sites for me.
MLCers think of themselves as a "catch" for anyone who is willing to take the bait. They are looking at themselves while wearing rose colored glasses and know that we are very much aware of their flaws, good and bad. New people won't know this for a very long time and the attention they receive from others just builds up their kibble stash.
Again, all of behaviors are very normal for someone in crisis. He's got to work thru this, experiment and yes, have some disappointments along the way. While he's doing all of this, you have your own journey to walk and trust me, you are far saner than he is right now. Continue moving forward w/your life and try not to snoop too much. It will only upset you if you continue to do so. At least w/the snooping that you've done thus far, you can see he's out there seeking affirmation from someone and hasn't found them just yet.
Hang in there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I know this too. But sometimes it's hard to see what he's doing.
My detachment is so much better, but I was dreaming about it all night.
The thing that echoed in my mind this morning was that he kept repeating in his dating profile:
"Normally, I'm like <this>, but with the 'right person' I'd be very different...."
He said this several times. So he's aware that he IS a certain way (messed up) but thinks the "right person" would negate the issues he's had since before I met him. Obviously he's totally lacking in insight. Big surprise!
Clearly he's looking for some external "fix". Typical MLC, which when I first mentioned it last year, he laughed in my face, and sent a photo of the book I was reading to OW, saying something nasty about me and how crazy I was--there was nothing wrong with HIM, as they both knew, right?
RiiiiiiiiiiigggggghhhhhT.
All he needs is the "Right Person" and he will be "Happy", "Different" and all his issues will be magically resolved.
In his mind right now, I understand that I am the "Wrong Person".
Because if I were his "Perfect Soul Mate", he would have never had the problems he clearly did in the relationship. But of course!!!!
He's been like this since the beginning, thinking it's things outside that need to change instead of inside.
It makes me sad that he doesn't even seem to care anything about the qualities he'd want in a partner for this potentially "serious relationship".
His only requirement is that she be "sexually adventurous"--essentially, WILLING and BREATHING. And that she really likes him. I guess that means she won't ask for much. Essentially, he's searching for OW #2 who will allow him to continue to play out his porn fantasies in the real world---until she won't.
These last few years, that was pretty much his only requirement for me, too. That I do what he wanted in the bedroom (when he wanted it), fulfill his needs as he wanted, and then he pretty much ignored me.
I only put up with it because I loved a better man who was still in there. I doubt anyone he'd want to have a real relationship with would put up with that treatment. --------------------------------------
I'm not worried he'll meet some wonderful woman who is so much better for him than I am. I am more concerned that if he actually takes it to a sexual level with random people, he might pick up AIDS/Herpes--he had unsafe sex with OW in his foggy brain---if he starts behaving like that, I'll be done with him.
Really. Enough is enough.
I know this process will take its own course.
And my course will be determined by me.
MLC or not, at some point if this man doesn't get a grip, I can't stick around and watch.
---GGG
PS: I'm pretty sure there is no way he can figure out that that profile is me. It's totally fake, different state, different email... nothing to link me except a fake email address. I doubt he'd be that suspicious, especially since he must think I don't see those credit card statements for the OurTime subscription, and the Canadian pharmacy.... Yuck.
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Most of us don't understand that but it is really true.
I am not saying that maybe we can not build a new marriage but life as we knew it is over. So detaching and letting go are partly trying to figure out how we accept this fact and move forward from there.
Simple but Complicated IMHO.
Yes he is certainly in REPLAY, you are seeing more and more signs of it.
I miss you over here in MLC land! You were like a port in a storm for me and helped me so much. I appreciate your visits whenever they come. ---------------------------------------------
Anyhow...
I know, you're right.
Our M is over. That's clear. This new guy is someone I don't want to be around. So I'll continue with my darkness and let him twist in his lonely wind for awhile longer. From what I've read, the more intensely he twists and feels everything isn't working out the way he planned, the more reality sets in.
What the result of that might be is anybody's guess.
And you were right on the money with your "REPLAY" diagnosis!
It's even clear to me now!
If you were here, I'd make you a cappuccino...
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Seeing all that online was, in essence, being rejected...again. It's natural to experience it as an personal online rejection. It's not really, but I know that's how it feels.
That's why you gotta be really, really, really, REALLY careful with snooping. It's easy, when your are feeling rejected/being rejected to take things very personally and integrate the rejection into your soul.
LOOK AT THE FACTS:
Go back to looking at Mr. Middle-Aged, Sexually Adventurous with the eyes of a scientist. Since, like me, you can't seem to quite processing it...over and over...:-)
Is he a great catch right now? Seriously?
Take a balanced, sober look at this man...with ALL HIS QUALITIES, good and bad.
You've mentioned he isn't capable of having a real relationship right now. You mentioned he has a problem with porn. You mentioned he is, generally, being a big dick to you. So, IF, he finds someone...what are the chances she will be Movie Star Beautiful and Super, Duper Awesome??? Um. No. She will be very flawed to accept a dishonest, married, middle-aged man with some fairly obvious sexual issues. Ewwww.
Did you ever see The Incredibles? If not, google the scene where Edna Mode slaps and, then, tells Elasti-Girl..."Pull YOURSELF TOGETHER! YOU ARE ELASTI-GIRL!"
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
