Sorry for the offlineness. I got back from the States two days ago, always a mind-addler, and will now be traveling large distances once a week for the next month, including taking d16 to London, seeing my parents, helping out at EE, and taking a week of vacation. Unfortunately one of our cats has been gone a week now, and is d16's favorite, so she is depressed.
I got a passionate hug from a fellow meetuper a while ago, a woman I admire a lot, a confusing, good feeling.
W and d16 are in Stockholm. W invited two refugees to dinner on Friday (they asked her "where are all the people?", an understandable question here in Sweden). d16 and I fly to London the next morning. W is alone, presumably, while we are gone, over fall break.
I am traveling again, for the next 4 weeks, back on West Coast Nov. 10, so sporadically online only. London with d16 and no W tomorrow - 5 glorious days! Luke
Bond - i think a walk with my W when I get back, telling her that though I still love her, we have not been good to each other for a long time and what does she want to do, is appropriate. I will tell her that I agree that a D is best, and that I would like to do this after Christmas. I am still concerned about the effect of this on our children, but as you and others here have pointed out, we are not setting a good example for them. I think they need to be told in words we both agree on, by us both. This will be one of the saddest moments of my life.
I think - thank you Stubborndyke for holding me to a high moral standard - that I still have work to do and know what it is.
Lou - London was good - wonderful museums and food and hours in Foyles bookstore together. D16 was not a wife substitute in any way (father/daughter relationship was as it should be).
Bond - i have been helping out at EE again - an excellent experience - and am learning/experiencing lots from doing this, the bitter misanthrope receding. I am also doing serious GAL activities here on the west coast and am much happier for them.
W encouraged me to date a few months ago. If she has started doing so (i will ask), can i take this as a sign, and feel freer to do so on my part? There are a number of women that I would like to get to know better.
Good to see you here, Luke. I'm glad your trip with D was good.
Can you clarify your purpose for the proposed talk with W? Is it to ask her something or to tell her something? I'm thinking that it would be helpful to think this through in advance.
W has never been tied by the bounds of monogamy or vows, apparently. I'm hoping that you're not looking to her for guidance in deciding your own values and behavior, since hers have been hurtful to you for years.
o say i still love W, somewhere, but o say we have not been good to each other for too long now o say that I want to divorce, proceeding by us both doing the paperwork before I return to the US again, telling the kids (exactly when is up for discussion), and selling the house in the spring. o saying i would like to date again, but cannot in good conscience do this while married.
The fine point is defining exactly when we are no longer married. I can imagine a passionate response on her part to the effect of that we have not been married for a long time already.
I can also imagine that us signing the divorce form will make this very real for both of us. All sorts of practical and financial considerations will arise, such as who pays for the house while we still share it. I make 80% of the income but perhaps being divorced means splitting 50/50. My sister has been most concerned about the money part.
o saying i would like to date again, but cannot in good conscience do this while married.
You might want to keep that tidbit to yourself. She doesn't need to know whether you intend to date or not and, if she's in a mood, her goal may be to prevent you getting anything you want.
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The fine point is defining exactly when we are no longer married.
I'm guessing that it's pretty clear from a legal standpoint. Have you sought any counsel in that regard? I'm with your sister on this. You should know what you are getting into financially.
Hi SD - Sweden is simple in that regard - 50-50 split of goods, no alimony, possibly child support, but only for 2 years, until d16 is 18. Of course I will support d16 further.
Getting unmarried is as simple as signing a form when both agree and sending this to the local court, plus a small processing fee. Sweden ascribes no special status to marriage taxwise, and everyone files individually. Gender is irrelevant.
Legally divorced is simple - it is more the emotional and practical stuff to follow that concerns me. I think I've already done a lot of grieving, though perhaps something hidden will emerge. A new person deserves to be loved on a clean background.
