So, from reading around, teenage girls often have a closer R with their mom, and a strong M-daughter R is good for getting through a divorce. I'll need to take care of my feelings and situation myself, remain flexible and give unconditional love. Thanks again Wonka -
d16 nicely said she might want to come with me to visit S20 in Scotland in a few weeks. That would be great. Also, the airline to Japan that I remember being so good has seats available for fall break, and I told d16 so.
L
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Hi Luke this thread grew fast moving sux, letting the memories go sux, being lonely really sux.. you will feel better working in an office.. the 2 weeks I gad alone here were truly awful..
but sounds like you have lifted up your head and found a plan.. Your daughter is not closed to you.. you have not lost her.. my daughter just left.. she works internationally.. havent seen her for 18 months and it felt like yesterday once the relationship is good.. then it can be kept that way.. and the house.. well wish I knew in the same place and feel wrong that a house and dog can mean so much to me..
Lou - you might find it useful to read up on non-attachment. I found the quote above comforting and will repeat it here (from Tiny Buddha):
"I thought, “Wow, maybe this is the opportunity to really pursue what I want to do with the rest of my life! What if the universe was just gently pushing me out of my comfortable nest, and forcing me to fly?”
And thus I have discovered: Sometimes the dreams we chase and the life we design for ourselves really do provide us with happiness and peace, and yet sometimes it takes letting go, and having faith like we have faith in our next breath, that there is a divine and perfect order; we just might not be seeing it at the time. "
You are young, going to a new place, there is something good here too.
"Is there something unique, which she needs, that only I can give d16, as opposed to W and her (someday) boyfriend(s)? "
YES!! you are her FATHER!! you are a major role model in her life. YOU will provide her with the model of her future husband by providing either good or bad examples. Your job is to teach her what is expected from her future male relationships, how she should be treated, how she should treat them.
for kids, a mother is the role model for how a woman should treat her husband. and the father is the role model for how a husband should treat his wife.
Luke, to me, this talk of giving your d16 space, or moving to the US for work, strikes me as a method of running from your problems. really take a good look at why you're trying to find reasons/excuses to leave.
yes, life would be much easier if we could just walk away from the mess and start new. and many people do this. but that doesnt make it right.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Ken - I work alone from home for 70% of the year, and do not typically have contact with others during the day (they are 9 hours of time difference away). I always looked forward to W and d16 coming home, and would make dinner for them. At least the house had someone else in it in the evenings, and I had some little social contact. With the prospect of their living in Stockholm weekdays, I would have no contact at all with others during the week, no office banter, nothing.
I am going to the States to hear that banter, and be with people, not to escape the situation here.
There is no point in staying just now, I think either, as I do not believe the house will be ready to sell before Christmas. If there were some positive reason to stay, that would change things.
In the long term my working alone here has to change. I would like to find a place that rents me a desk, with some other workers, and have some social life at work, even if not within my company.
Thanks for checking in - L
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
If there are no people in the town or the country where you live, then yes, it makes a lot of sense for you to leave your daughter for months in order to be around people.
If not, then you're grasping at straws and yes, it does look like you're running away...from your own daughter.
If there are people where you live, you can find some and get together with them, on your own initiative.
And about why your daughter might need you when she has her mom and boyfriends...
What was your relationship like with your father? Was he completely replaceable to you? Were you or would you have been completely fine with him withdrawing from you and departing the country, giving up on having any relationship with you, or otherwise writing you off to be the responsibility of your mom and future girlfriends? If you look at it from your own childhood perspective, can you see how this sounds?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Why is it good for d16 to be with me also - what benefit does it bring her? Sure, I can take her on some trips, and help with math and scientific school stuff, but is there something beyond that?
Do you know nothing beyond trips and something academic? She needs a relationship with her father. Not a tour guide, not a school teacher, but a dad.
You go in cycles, Luke. You have been around this mountain how many times? I alone spent quite a bit of time telling you what a teenage girl needs, but not once did you record doing anything I mentioned. B/c it required you giving of yourself...and that felt awkward! I told you several times if you would just go by her room to tell her goodnight and ask about her day, you would be building something between you other than planning another trip.
Do you want to know why your D and her mother are close? B/c they TALK!!! They SHARE!!! Your W gives her TIME and one on one ATTENTION!!!
You seem more concerned or jealous that D will be seeing your W more than you. You want to buy her something to make brownie points? It doesn't work. She wants the one thing you've never given her.
Do not accept that girls are naturally closer to their mothers. That is nothing more than an excuse you are giving yourself! A lot of girls and their mothers clash.....especially during teen years. Kids need both parents throughout their lives.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I just don't think you're capable of understanding. I really think you need to go to personal counseling for yourself to learn how to interact with people in general. It shouldn't be so hard for you to understand the concept of loving your D.
And sandi has mentioned it before. It seems like you look up facts just to come up with an excuse why not to do something. Like the thing about a D being closer to her mother during a divorce. That's BS. You're just using it as an excuse to try and not get a relationship with her because it scares the daylights out of you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
