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Ah - a lucky number - how appropriate.

I wonder what and if to tell d16 about how I feel about all this. I don't want to pressure her excessively, but losing her even more (after all these years of lost chances to spend childhood time with her) really hurts. Why should I try anymore for her, when the pain outweighs the pleasure? Do I have to suffer just because I am her dad? If she spends so little time with me, does that change my obligations to her? Do I openly tell her how hurt I am?

It seems so easy for her to accept being away from me - doesn't she realize the pain this causes me? The one woman/girl, beyond my mom, that I really still love, leaving, again and again, and my wonderful, kind, W gets her. I am truly overjoyed.

L

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Hey Luke, glad you're still posting.

I know we've been around this one before. You're the adult and she is your child. You should care less about your hurt feelings than about what she needs from you as her dad.

You need to keep reaching out to her, and don't lay the guilt trip on her because that will push her farther away.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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Hi adinva,

Thanks for the no guilt trip point - that would be stupid.

Summarizing what I found on the Internet, it is recommended to:

1. stay physically near child
2. take kids on dates - perhaps I could book Wednesday evenings for dinner
3. go to important events in her life (e.g. school concerts)
4. tell her I will always love her and be available for her, no matter what time
5. listen to her, be patient, and support her

I will probably tell her #4 today and propose #2. Not quite sure whether to say that "of course I'll see you on the weekends".

Thanks,

Luke

ps. there is a long, pained, multiple post rant on UCA #12, somewhere below.

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From previous post, #4 and then #2 executed, while taking d16 to her summer job this morning. No guilt trip applied - thx Adinva.

Next steps unclear. Feel incredibly sad. Now at home with Wonderful Wife.

L

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Is it reasonable to ask for every other weekend with d16, a weekday night the same week, and two weekday nights when I don't have the following weekend with d16? We don't have legal custody agreements here in Sweden; if W is to be believed, d16 can freely choose where she is.

I am unsure what to ask for, but sure want to see my d16.

Thx,

L

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Okay - I've got to be proactive in this mess - have started an online dating profile - asked for EE support to refine this - asked for advice from EE companions to get through this - started looking for new digs on the web (a pain in Stockholm) - I need to stay close enough to d16 to maintain a relationship - wonder how big the apartment she and W are taking is, as this determines whether they will leave stuff here and when we can sell the house. What is the time scale of finding a new place? Also, I think it makes sense to dedicate a coaching session to coparenting and dealing with my changed situation.

Slept 2-3 hours last night, hopefully tonight will be better.

It is hard to hide my pain and sadness from d16, but I must.

L

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And given how much d16 means to me, how do I nurture the relationship? She'll be gone so much and I'll be at a disadvantage, especially as she is together with my sneaky, charming W. She was at least receptive to the Wednesday night dates with Dad idea, but once per week is paltry pickings... and if she and W come here weekends, I expect to be the odd man out again, ignored.

S20 is not coming home this summer (I plan to visit him instead) - will he never see his bedroom again? It so s---ks to terminate a household and the associated memories and history. My sister points out that there is however a poisonous atmosphere here and that is pleasant for no one.

My R with my kids is so important, close to my heart, valuable, irreplaceable.

Do I text d16 every day or talk to her? Do I have to let her take the initiative? Just the sound of her voice, her breathing, knowing she is near, makes me whole.

L

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Luke
your daughter is 16 and smart. nearly an adult.

talk to her. just talk.

tell her how you feel, ask her what she would like. work out a solution together. dont guilt, but let her know you need to see her often, and hear her voice, etc.

YOU take the initiative. YOU do the hard word. you're the adult, prove to her how important she is to you, how much she means, what you're willing to do for her.


"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
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So it is okay to tell her I feel lonely? I told her this morning how much I love her and that she could always rely on me, and that it'd be nice to see her for a daughter and dad date on Wednesdays.

I'd like to see her often, sure, but have no right to this.

I really like the idea of asking what she wants, and that I want to work out a solution together. The one blessing, if there is one, is that she changed high schools, and so has 3 years left instead of two, here in Sweden, before she (her dream) heads to England to study (s20 is in Scotland).

Agreed that open talk is good, it just needs to be carefully done.

I've registered for an apartment finding service in Stockholm by the way, and already written a place. It might be a bit stupid though, to rent an apartment and have the house still for a while, if d16 doesn't come over. On the other hand, there are a lot of pretty women in Stockholm... and it would be great to get out and about. Just not being in this empty house would be good too...

Thanks for responding - L

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So is there a point at which there is so little contact between d16 and myself that I can move back to the States? I have more friends there than here, I actually go to an office to work (and see people - here I see none and talk to no one, working from home) and there is more to do. If my life is to be being alone at home, working, 5 days a week, and d16 and W show up on weekend, and d16 spends 95% of her time with W, there isn't much comfort in that.

I am just so d--n lonely -

L

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