1 step forward, 1000 steps back

[Wonka]

Wonka, to your question about why I would flip when I’ve already faced the worst. I honestly don’t feel that I’ve faced up to the worst. The worst would be we D and he goes off with OW and together they take my kids 50% of the time. That’s the worst and while I’ve contemplated it here and there for the most part he has kept giving me hope since BD that we will work it out. Knowing that she is coming to the office and will be right under his nose makes this seem like an impossible situation to me --- and that the worst is just a matter of time. I do not want this, I do not want this at all. I can’t believe how far this has gone.

Stop it! Stop this nonsense! Your stinkin' thinkin' is very self-defeatist. That's not the new MDU we want to showcase to H.

[mdu]

Ok, help me figure out how to change my thinking. I can't be optimistic about things with H right now, I just can't. But maybe something like reminding myself that I can and will be happy alone if that's the way it goes? I know I need to turn this around, just struggling to get there (clearly!).

[mdu]

P.S. Thx for hanging in there with me Wonka. I'll get there, I promise!

[Train]

I'm just going to echo what Wonka has said (and what I've said before):

TRY YOUR HARDEST, mdu, to start with a beginner's mind. You THINK you know what your H is going to say and how he will respond and how he's feeling. And perhaps your assumptions are correct. There's also a 50% chance they're not.

Until you've heard from him - literally HEARD him - you don't know where he is or what he's thinking.

And if you snap and lose your cool, he's going to shut down.

A tip: think of a mantra. You can use it every time you feel you're about to explode. You can say it out loud. Or say it to yourself. Train your mouth to close even when the thoughts pop in your brain.

You have self-control. I see it in all your posts.

Now embrace it and use it. Now. It's never been more important.

Let your H clean up this mess.

Ask him:

1. Whether he feels having OW so close in proximity is going to bother him, personally.
2. Whether be believes having OW so close in proximity is going to harm your reconciliation attempts.

And listen to what he says. Not what you THINK he's saying. What he's *actually* saying.

Enter this *believing* he wants to be with YOU. Because he's said he has. Enter this *knowing* you and your H are the team. OW is not on y'all's team. So, for this conversation, she's almost irrelevant.

This is about you and your H.

Go back to the concert. Go back to the day at the beach.

He chose YOU.

Screw those insecurities! Don't give him a *reason* to re-think his decision to choose you, mdu.

You're the one, baby. Now act it! Be the OW to the XOW!

[Train]

Oh, and even though I feel it'd be next to impossible for you to be happy if H stays at his job, I'd keep that talk in your back pocket for now.

Wait to hear what he has to say. Ask the open-ended questions and listen without judgment or criticism.

Then come back here, and let's all talk about your next move.

You can do this!

[mdu]

Thanks, Train. I think my plan is relatively simple at this point (although will be very challenging for me to execute).

First, I need to control my anger and emotions when I speak to H on Thursday. Not sure how I am going to get there but I'm working on it.

Second, I need to ask H two things:

“How do you feel about having her in the office?”
“What are your thoughts around what we can do about this situation?”

Then listen, validate and don’t react. Probably end the convo with something like “Ok, thanks for your thoughts, I need some time to think about things”

I think if he asks me anything, like my opinion on how to handle it, I need to deflect with something like “I really don’t know.”

And I think that’s about it for now.

The only additional thing I wonder if I should ask him first is if this latest development has changed his interest in reconciling or if that's what he still wants to work towards. And then let him know that I am hoping we can find a solution together

Thoughts?

[Wonka]

MDU,

I really, really hope you can find a way to get yourself centered and calm before, throughout and after you talk with H.

The only additional thing I wonder if I should ask him first is if this latest development has changed his interest in reconciling or if that's what he still wants to work towards.

Nope. This is your anxiety coming out here and it comes across as pressure to H if you ask him about it. Your mindset is that you two are already on the path of reconciliation. Keep the focus on how to address the OW moving to H's company facility. This is just a new wrinkle and you two need to figure out a way to face it together.

Try to keep an open mind on what H says and/or brings up. Try to go with the discussion flow.

[mdu]

So, am I 'acting as if' we are reconciling?

Because truly, I feel like I don't know and that seems like something I ought to have clarity on, no?

[Wonka]

So, am I 'acting as if' we are reconciling?

Yes, YES....yesssss. You got this one right, baby!

[mdu]

Ok, I think I am getting you. I hope.

I don't know if this is helpful (or healthy for that matter) but here is my dream: I reach a point where I so do not care about OW and she is such a non-entity, non-threat to me that I strut into his office right by her (looking absolutely FABULOUS, of course), all smiles and happy. Give her a little once over (maybe, but probably don't even acknowledge her at all) Grab H by the hand and walk out right past her together without a care in the world, both totally focused on just us.