MM, Stop putting so damn much meaning into every damn thing he says! You still haven't gotten the number one rule "You can't believe a word they say and only half of what you see"! You know what I hear him saying? "I want to get all this stressful stuff out of the way so I can have fun"...stress the "I"! He is still all about him! He will no more "work" on the R after his RE deal is over as he will now. His mother's problems will be ongoing and will not end until she is no longer alive. Riding a Sea Doo is not a replacement for IC. If it was the "house" that stopped him from having a committed R then he would have suggested you BOTH move! (My W used this excuse as well. It was the "house" but she went and rented a house and didn't say "Well, let's have you move here with the kids and we can have a R". It's an excuse, nothing more!)Also of note is that the LAST thing on his list is "See where things are with MM".
One reason he keeps repeating himself is that he doesn't remember what he has said (or really care). While you spend hours and hours thinking about every word and trying to find "meaning" in each one, he is just saying what he MAY feel at that moment and it will change very quickly!
Look, I also see that my W is extremely "stressed". She is doing things that not only will end up hurting her but are hurting everyone she loves and loves her, even her own kids. I know that she is confused, stressed, under pressure, hurting, etc. Her GM has recently lost her mind to Alzheimer's, her mother is going through problems with her family over it and is leaning heavily on her, her work is more and more demanding, because she has moved she is low on cash, her father who she has always wanted in her life but never was and now is, is DYING of cancer, the list goes on. IT DOES NOT GIVE HER AN EXCUSE FOR WHAT SHE HAS DONE AND CONTINUES TO DO TO ME AND OUR M!! You are buying what he is selling you and it's a load of crap! You do not add to your stress by dumping the one person who has stuck by you for 20 years unless you just don't give a damn about them! Add to this that he has insulted you by trying to keep using you for "just" sex, not even FUN, just sex and you get a picture of a truly messed up guy who only really cares about himself. Heck, the thing that most bothers him about his mother's sitch is how HE has to help her and all the stress that puts on him! Again, all about him!
You've made progress over the last few weeks. Don't let him con you into backsliding.
many people on here LIVE with their Xs every day, sleep in the same house, same bed, etc.
the proximity makes no difference. The length of time of consistency matters.
again, its not about HIM. its about YOU. 3 weeks of being cold does not mean YOU have changed.
you seem to keep missing that this is all about YOU.
YOU NEED TO CHANGE. YOU have issues that need fixing. YOU need to change 40 years of habits. and this will not happen in 3 short weeks which contain setbacks and backsliding.
you insist on making this about HIM.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Hi Matt... yes, I have listened to his "words" however, I am trying to do as said & not believe it UNTIL I see it. I do take his words/analyze them & blah blah blah. My bad!! Yes, I do see that its all about him, his "I" statements. He has become very selfish. Who knows if he actually means what he says. I am trying to not pay attention to "words".
I have made progress over the last 3 weeks.. I understand Ken that its only the beginning... but it is a true genuine START! One that I was proud of. I have made changes in myself that I am proud of prior to the 3 weeks. But, its been the last 3 weeks where I stood up for myself by not accepting "just sex", backed off when it came to not interrogating about his mom's accident, not "being there", allowing him to manage on his own, not interrogating or asking questions about his real estate deal, not acting jealous of RE agent, not providing my opinion (when asked), and then 2 days ago... reiterating that I have given up!
Pulling away and remaining consistent is where I was succeeding. I continued yesterday when at work I suggested that he can leave early ... that I would finish off our shift, we both don't need to be there. <<< this is me, trying to pull away from him. Showing that I don't need to sit there, day after day... WITH him.
I am not intending on backsliding further. I am moving forward.
Today he was expressing his struggles to get his obligation for clients complete vs. taking his mom to the hospital. Both at same time. He was concerned how he would manage. I jumped in an offered to switch roles (I would take mom) so that he could manage the clients. Normally, I can manage the clients but this time it requires his attention.... so, I offered. Is this a backslide too?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
NO... I did it to help out the work situation as we have a lot of deals on the go. I just thought it made sense.
I am upset today but am determined to see through the other side of this hell. I am determined to learn the lessons and to stand by myself on this journey. I know I want and deserve way more than he can possibly offer (especially right now). He is a mess to look at. I don't know why I still want him. I just do, and I love him too.
It would be sooooo easy to backslide & to find a way to insist we reconcile. BUT!! I am determined to have WAY better than what we had & I am striving for it. Why does it have to be such a struggle?? I am willing to continue through the other side, hoping for redemptive purpose. For all of this to have had a reason.
The reason: I am worth it.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, It wouldn't be such a struggle if you would just drop the rope completely and allow him to wallow in his own self-absorbed pity pot.
How many times have we advised you to walk away or not engage in relationship talks? If he brings up relationship during working hours, change the subject or cut the conversation short. Keep the focus on the business during the day.
He's stuck and until he can figure out how to get out of his rut, he's going to continue spinning his wheels and the conversations about the two of you will be the same over and over again, i.e., circular conversations. How to change that? Stop the madness and end the discussions politely and go on about your business.
There always be some excuse not to finalize the business situation that involves you. Next month, it'll be something else, like selling a large inventory or needing more inventory. The man has it good, why would he change a thing? Nothing's rocking his boat and he's going to continue floating on the pond and enjoying his ownership of his business. Yep, I said "his" for a reason.
Drop the rope, no more conversations w/him about the relationship. Don't have discussions about what you determined three weeks ago, etc. He's a big boy and he can figure out why you are moving forward and if he can't, they he's dumber than I thought he was. Telling you that you've been cold to him is his way of roping you back into his drama...ignore comments such as this and keep moving forward.
I had to laugh at your comment about "insist we reconcile". Magic, I hate to break it to you, but you have not have any control over this man and to even think you could insist he do something tells me that you've not drop the rope one bit. Let it go, allow nature to take its course. He'll either wake up and want you back and treat you the way you deserve or he'll continue to wallow and you'll be on the edge of the pond years down the road watching him float comfortably in his boat. Magic, you and only you, are the only one who can change the dynamics of your situation. No one else can do it for you.
I had to laugh at your comment about "insist we reconcile". Magic, I hate to break it to you, but you do not have any control over this man...."
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I didn't think I was indulging in R talk... until I was deep into it & thought it was my opportunity to state that I had given up. Pretty sure I said it a few times too. I regret the convo now. And I am beating myself up pretty bad now too. ALL DAY!
I agree that he has a tonne of excuses why my name isn't on the business, yet. HOWEVER... I do believe he wants to finalize it. It is another thing that is hanging over his head & he does want it dealt with. Yes, he feels it is "our" business now (8 years), but he wants MAJOR recognition that it was HIS before & because of being able to run off his already established business, he wants compensation! He does FEAR giving up control and that is probably why he has used stall tactics. I do not feel that he is using a tactic ATM because he is extremely invested in securing our business location & that has him spinning out of control. He views this property as sanity control & I see it, it does make sense.
No more R convos. No convo's of what happened 3 weeks ago... back to business only! He says he is in limbo. I will ignore the "cold" comment & the other comment about "if he thought I was with someone, it would deter him further".... I cannot be pulled back into his drama or be his puppet. He "said" A LOT this time, recalling a few other things... but, I cannot believe what he says!! RIGHT?
YA! I had to laugh at me too... I can insist all I want & still get no where.
...DID NOT PICK UP THE ROPE (looked at it, got close), but BACKED AWAY FROM THE ROPE!
Tonight, I was offering to help him with our abundance of work & when I called him it seemed to be bad timing. I was asking how I can help & was interested in how he was going to make it all happen. He was irritable & apologized (saying he has a lot on his plate). I think he is trying to stalk the "crack head seller" amongst getting his moms RX and its taking a toll on him. I was still trying to ask about our business and what was needed & he honked his horn, interrupted me, said he had to go & apologized again for his mood & he was anxious to get off the phone. <<< this set me back. I feel like he was protecting a lie. I don't like how it made me feel. I cannot assume. I cannot mind-read. I am letting it go. UGH!!! (going to go distract myself with TV with my DD).
^^^^^^ how does this affect a person who is truly dropping the rope? (does it not bother them, as it did me & then let it go (like I am)... or does it not even affect them... at all?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
" but he wants MAJOR recognition that it was HIS before & because of being able to run off his already established business, he wants compensation!"
and he is absolutely correct in this thinking.
he ran the business without you for 12plus years, if i remember the timeline correctly. he created the company and kept it running. only recently (in the overall timeline) did you come and change the name and add in your time.
mathematically he ran the company for 12/20 years, thats 60% and was 1/2 owner for the remaining time = 20%, and likewise you were half owner for 20%.
If i were to divide up the company fairly, i'd give him 80% and you 20%.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
