Feel good that you didn't ask to get back together. Ken does have a point about some of it but I have seen in the past where you would have just let what he was saying make you feel like he really does 'want' you.
Now, the thing I don't like is where you say "He never has said he doesn't want me back". Yes, MM, he has. He said it in his actions and excuses for his behavior. I know it's hard but you really need to realize he just isn't capable of having anything close to a healthy R with you or anyone for that matter. He is all about him and if he wanted anything close to a real R he wouldn't keep making up reasons he "can't". When I go to a restaurant, I don't tell the waiter all the things on the menu I DON'T want. I clearly say "I want X". Just because he isn't saying "I don't want you and never will" doesn't mean he will EVER want anything close to what you do and what you deserve in a R! His mealy mouthed "Maybe when this or that happens I MIGHT be willing to try" is nothing but excuses. It's his actions, his saying why he DOESN't want to NOW that show you that he may never want you back. Again, you need to get to a place where if someday down the road HE decides he wants to try, you are able to decide if you will ALLOW him back in YOUR life. Right now you are allowing him to have all the power by wanting to be in HIS life.
Learn to love MM. Learn to have a life separate from him that you enjoy and are proud of living. Be the best MM WITHOUT him. You just may find you really won't want him back in YOUR life then.
Ken... I may have said it like that, but my intentions were not derogatory towards him. I stated my piece a few times.. and now will say no more.
I hope he heard me. That "something" will resonate for him. I am hoping that he will make HIS decision(s) based on his choices, not because he feels pressured by my statement.
I will say no more about this matter. I will continue as I was ... detaching. Pulling myself away from an unhealthy person.
Trusting in God.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
of course he heard you. you've said it more than too many times. which is why he feels compelled make more and more excuses and to try to let you down easy. its classic passive-aggressive behavior.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
gabby... I am working on letting go of his "words"...
Due to MLC and snapping ... I am hoping he turns into a changed man, or he will be useless to anyone. Haven't we all been waiting for our MLC'er to snap?
Oh, he brought up committed relationship again... he does realize he ultimately still wants that, in the end for himself. He does not consider himself a "bachelor"... not liking it.
I know I have NO reason to "believe" his "future type" comments...so, I am really trying to let go of them .... I will believe it when I see it.... right?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I just don't believe he said it this time as bait. He is truly confused/overwhelmed and it is obvious.
Why? How could you believe it's different this time? The words don't even change. You could save a lot of your time if you would copy and paste these discussions. Maybe you aren't seeing the repetition, b/c you are clinging to hope....but it's there.
Quote:
He really enjoyed our dates/time spent as he felt relaxed and was having a nice time with me.
You've brought this more than once, but I can't remember you having dates. When were these dates he refers to?
I'm not trying to be ugly, Magic. But I just wonder if you have that need to go back through and rehash it again, or if that's what you're hearing, or if the two of you actually say word for word every time you talk to each other. It's just weird to me. I have never heard of so many conversations that never vary over a dozen words. Don't you find that a little strange?
And for pity sake, why did you have to tell him you were disappointed he didn't appreciate the gesture to reconcile? (You mean your gesture.) Have you not been rejected enough? You put yourself out there for him to do it to you. That is not self value! You cheapen yourself every time you enter into one of these discussions with him, and it pushes you back to square one all over again.....b/c you've let him know you how you feel.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
GM - hmmm, yeah ... i still get stuck on his words. But I am "aware" of this now. I am not believing that snapping out of his MLC will fix everything... but, I do think it will HELP A LOT!!
Sandi ...
Really seeing his stress and anger in the last few days have led me to believe things are bottoming out for him.. He is super overwhelmed... and is not speaking rationally of things.. He wants vengeance on certain people.
I am not letting it change my course. He clearly stated that he noticed I have been "cold" for the past 3 weeks. I intend on continuing... its much healthier for me.
I told him I was disappointed that he did not recognize my gesture for reconciliation & therefore I had given up... 3 weeks ago. I did not let him know how I currently feel (not once, other than I love him & he loves me back). I am hoping that the conversation just reiterated that I DID let go... 3 weeks ago... and watch me continue. I am not falling back. I repeated several times that I gave up!!! I did not let him "think" that I was still available to him. He can think that if he wants... he kept mentioning that he was not ready, yet! and full of his "i dunno" comments.. he is so confused.... again.. he can think that if he wants... but, I am still on my way.
Sandi... HE keeps saying that he enjoyed our time... I never brought it up... he does. The "dates" he refers to.. is the time that we had to drive my daughter into the city. He was insisting that he travel with me & that we go for dinner while we are down there... he is referring to that. He wanted "time" with me. That time & another when we went for casual beer (after work) and another when we went as a family for dinner in the neighbouring town. He really enjoys (always did) my/our company. Yesterday, he said that he liked the downtown visit the most as he felt the most comfortable, unpressured & fun. I don't know why he keeps saying it.. I guess he enjoyed it...??? I never asked about any of it.. He keeps saying he'd like to have more like that.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
MM, 3 weeks ago is nothing, its a blink. when you hit the 3 month point of consistency, then you have a beginning. after 3 years, then you can consider it a real change.
what you also have to understand is, consider how much effort you've put in over the past 2 years to get to this point, which is really just the beginning of change for you. Well HE would need to "snap" (whatever that means) and then put in that same level of effort to change his issues. IF he ever gets to that point.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Tx for your posts. I can understand what you are suggesting... "IF" I didn't work with him every day.... 3 weeks is a very good start & it was HIM who mentioned he noticed. It is the beginning of a real change. I have & continue to drop the rope.
Yes, I understand just how far off... he is.
Hi Sandi,
I am beating myself up this morning... going over what you said:
Have you not been rejected enough? You put yourself out there for him to do it to you. That is not self value! You cheapen yourself every time you enter into one of these discussions with him, and it pushes you back to square one all over again.....b/c you've let him know you how you feel.
Did I backslide? I didn't start the R convo.... it graduated into one when he was expressing his stress & the toll caring for his mom was having on him. This is when I spoke & said "I thought we had prepared our lives to do this stuff together"... Then he turned it into more of the same convo of ... he doesn't know what he wants, he still has feelings for me, wants to help, but we argue, he doesn't want that, etc. Knows he wants to be back in a living/committed relationship again.. just not in that house. He doesn't know if its with me. He is not saying "NO" He is not against reconciliation (his words). I stated that I had given up 3 weeks ago. I kept trying to make my point but found myself listening to "his" dreams/desires for the future of the business. How he "sees" it to be a family run operation & some fun too. I listened. Not once did I ask "can we get back now", but did ask him what he wants... more "i dunno". I did state my disappointment that he did not appreciate MY offer of working on us 3 weeks ago & that all he would have had to say 3 weeks ago was "Yes, lets work on it"...this lead to more "I'm not ready & I dunno" comments. He may have even said sorry. I can't recall. He feels that I have had the time to learn & grow & had counselling and a social life, where he has not. I asked if he wants to see my councillor, he said "no, I think some time spent on my seadoo, is what I need" (suggesting carefree fun... time away from work & mom).
So Sandi, would you say that he rejected me again or was he just being truthful of his confusion/anxiety/feelings?. He is suggesting that he can only do one thing at a time.
His priorities:
#1) secure business location,
#2) finalize deal with MM (yes... he said he wants to finalize this) does not want to mix finance with personal/reconcilliation for 2 reasons ... 1) fears others opinions (family/friends) would assume he was trying to sway my decisions 2) fears that battling out our finances while dating would cause stress & arguments & wonders how we could do both? We are 80% finalized. ^^^^^ can someone explain this to me? is he just suggesting that he doesn't want this hanging over his head any longer? that it can finally be put to rest. Or am I missing a hidden agenda from a person who has proven to be selfish. I just don't want to bury my head in the sand here.
#3) Relax & have fun
#4) see where things are with MM.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Did I backslide? I didn't start the R convo.... it graduated into one when he was expressing his stress & the toll caring for his mom was having on him. This is when I spoke & said "I thought we had prepared our lives to do this stuff together"...
Yes, you did (backslide). This ^^^ is where you intentionally redirected the conversation into yet-another, 2,547th R talk with him.
It takes two to have a convo, MM -- stop making excuses. Own it, and resolve to do better next time.
sigh, well that makes me upset. Tx, Starsky. Is it really really horrible? In your opinion did I say/do anything right?
him: today he is flat lined. I can tell he is drained. Physically & emotionally. I can tell by the tone of his voice.
Me: (working on my co-dependency) I WILL NOT ALLOW HIS mood affect mine!! (although I am already upset for my backslide now). I was really really really trying to not have any ERRORS!! NONE! I am beating myself up!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Why? How could you believe it's different this time? The words don't even change. You could save a lot of your time if you would copy and paste these discussions. Maybe you aren't seeing the repetition, b/c you are clinging to hope....but it's there.