Hi Matt... tx for your concerns. I am watching & listening. I will be "partner" in the business I created with him. However, HE is trying to purchase the location from which we currently operate from. My only concern was how much he will charge OUR business to be on HIS property. I am not going to be held captive to a ridiculous amount of rent. He promised me he will be reasonable. Buying from an unreliable crack head has him spinning. However, he is a smart person and will not be unprotected. He told me that he will create another company so that he could be separate from the one we operate from. I believe this would protect me & my interest.
Hi Sandi... Yes, I think he should respond directly as well, however the invite came through to our email. In a few days I will ask him to respond himself.
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Last night: He was clearly stressed out & teary eyed about his life & his desire to get this property. He views it as a saviour to his sanity. This turned into a bit of R talk. I pointed out that I gave up on him a month ago. That I was disappointed that he didn't appreciate the gesture to reconcile.. He said that he has been soo busy (wrapped up in his deal), that he didn't know/see it. He is very overwhelmed. I told him that if the situation was reversed and he was the one suggesting reconciliation and it was not recognized that he would give up too. He said he noticed that I got "cold" from after our make out session and he didn't know what to make of it. (Guess he noticed my pull away). He "says" that he is still open to working on us AFTER the real estate deal is done. He has visions of this current location/operation as a "family business". He really enjoyed our dates/time spent as he felt relaxed and was having a nice time with me. For right now, he just can't handle any more. He was hopeful for more of that "after" he puts his mind to rest about his real estate deal. Then he wants to finalize our financial situation. much like he said before, get our deal behind us (he can't imagine arguing while seeing each other again), he doesn't want anyone to think that he swayed me by spending time with me "during" the process. Then he wants to spend time relaxing and seeing where things stand with us then. <<<< this confuses me. He feels pressure & his usual "i dunno" position. He was anxious to go & end the convo too. I kept the convo going because I wanted to be heard. I am not sure he was actually capable of hearing me. As he mentioned how his thoughts shift back to his real estate stuff while we are talking.
He says he's pretty sure that he knows how good we had it together & really enjoyed our life and time together & that even one of our clients mentioned to him just the other day how they could see our connection. I mentioned the "water your own grass" theory... he liked it. However, he feels that he hasn't quite put himself out there to know for sure. He feels that I have quite the social life, where he does not & still wants to have one...when his "chit show" is over & he can relax. Right now, he does not like to be around happy people or watch movies with happy couples. The other night he went out for an 1.5 hours & enjoyed himself. They said he looked 43! He liked that. He then felt good having an excuse to leave as his mom was home alone. He's not in the mood to fully be social.
At the end of the convo, I stated that I am not wasting my time waiting for him & that he needs to go figure his chit out. He admits he is completely confused and not ready to give it the time to put effort into the R that it needs/deserves. He kept saying he is not ready. I said I am not pushing him to "get ready" To go figure himself out & that he's too screwed up. I leaned in on his car & stated generally "do u really have to completely lose someone before you realize they are gone?" he replied "i guess so"..... again, I could see he was no longer receptive & paying attention to the convo.
He is like a dog, can only chase one stick at a time. He needs to be alone. He is being honest. How can he truly invest in a relationship when he has so many other things on the go that completely stress him out?
This is a lot of stress for him & he is pretty much at the end of his rope. He is expressing pure frustration with this real estate deal with reason. It truly is a "jerry springer show" with all of the unknown & lies & hoops that he is jumping through. He is so exhausted. I am concerned as he expressed that he is concerned that his driving is affected by all of this as well. He has A LOT of anger & doesn't know where to place it.
I know he "SAYS" all of this, and I am not banking on any of it. I just don't believe he said it this time as bait. He is truly confused/overwhelmed and it is obvious.
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When I came in & discussed it with my daughter last night & my friends today... they feel that I did well and held my ground & self value. My stomach tells me differently. I can't help but "feel" for him... "feel his pain". I hope that some of my comments made it through to him.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Dear MM, He didn't hear you at all. Once again, it was "all about HIM!". Life is a series of "stressful" events. There will ALWAYS be something that is stressing him. None of what he said explains how he only wanted you for "fun and sex", oh, wait, not even the fun! This is typical MLC behavior. You stopped pursuing him and now he wants you to start again so he can reject you again. There is a thread on this somewhere on this site and it is important reading especially in your sitch!
Don't get me wrong, you did well in your talk. Just remember "Believe none of what they say and half of what you see". He needs to deal with his situation with his mom and RE deal. None of that is any reason to discard a long R and start treating you the way he did.
I had several talks like that with my W before she left. Not only did she do a 180 just a little while later, she had no recollection of having said any of it. Even would say she never said such a thing. His chit show is not even close to over as it really has nothing to do with his RE deal or his mom's problems or the price of gas.... he is in crisis and isn't close to coming out yet. keep up with the detaching (he did notice) but don't do it just to get him back (hard distinction but important) do it for YOU. You have just really started to drop the rope and he has already noticed. The trick is until you drop it "for you", not to "get him" back, it won't work. All that will happen is once he thinks he has you back where he wants you, he will go right back to his Chit show!
You are doing much better MM. Keep moving forward. Don't let the fact that the progress you have made that is making a difference stop you from keeping going. At the beginning it's hard. You see a change and think "Oh, maybe he's coming back to his old self" so you stop and BAM!, things haven't really changed. Use this as a sign that dropping the rope and detaching is working because he see's the changes in YOU. You are a better person now and will be a better and better person as you move forward. Keep going!
I have never replied to your thread, but wanted to chime in. Just had a few thoughts.
Number one, stop making excuses for him. I did this for years with my ex, and now I can see what I did. This is called enabling. He does bad let him own the bad WITHOUT taking on the responsibility.
Number two, your thread is dripping with co-dependency. This: "I can't help but "feel" for him... "feel his pain". I hope that some of my comments made it through to him." Is codependent. Stop feeling sorry for him. He made his bed, let him lie in it.
I am not trying to mean, just direct.
Concentrate on you, not him.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I did go back and read a couple of your early threads and you have progressed which is great. However, you still focus on xbf too much.
I know you had another ciruclar R conversation and I did want to point out one thing. "Fogginess" or "confusion" does not excuse or negate bad behavior and disrespectful treatment.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Tx Matt - I am not sure where to feel good about my convo. I did try to continue the convo much after he wasn't invested anymore & feel it was a backslide. And he was still insistent about "i dunno & not ready yet" comments. Although I did not ask him anything about reconciling... just that I had tried 3 weeks ago & wasn't noticed. Please tell me where I did well in my talk?
WH... thanks for chiming in... Yes, I know I am co-dependent & am working on it. Recognizing it is a big step for me. I will continue to concentrate on me & leave him in his mess (that he made...his choice).
Yes... keep moving forward for ME. I must let this pass & not dwell on any of it. Although I am reviewing it all today.... I must focus on my needs & pursue them. Dropping the rope & detaching was working... I need to continue this. I will NOT STOP because he noticed.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
why wait a few days?? this screams of manipulate/control/punishment/fear/immaturity. and makes absolutely no sense.
also, if it were addressed to both of you, or the business, then its not odd that he asked you to respond for him. If its your role to manage that email account then its a perfectly acceptable request on his part.
you seem to be drawing these convoluted ill-defined lines in the sand between what is work, what is personal and what is business.
" I gave up on him a month ago. That I was disappointed that he didn't appreciate the gesture to reconcile" " I am not wasting my time waiting for him "
and this is worded to make him feel guilty and remorseful. again manipulation/control/immaturity. He doesn't want you, accept this and move on.
Last edited by KenF; 07/09/1405:26 PM.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Ken... thank you for your opinion, however feel that waiting a few days when he is not so emotional (after yesterday), would be better timed. It has nothing to do with manipulation or control...??? I am confident in my decision here.
It was not intentionally worded to manipulate him nor was my "wasting time" comment. I am pretty sure I know that I was not trying to make him feel guilty (at all) or remorseful. I was stating my fact. If he feels guilt.. thats his cross to bear. He needs to know that I am not waiting anymore... this is a guy who assumes I will still be there when he is ready. I may or may not be ...but he doesn't just get to assume.
I am not convinced (especially after yesterday) that he does not want me. His responses are clear that he does not know... therefore, HE does NOT KNOW> However, I am not holding my breath either. But, believe me...if he KNEW he did not want me...he would be saying so...with clear words! (much like BD). He has NEVER stated that he does not want me & that he is not open to reconciliation. He has ALWAYS stated this...... again, not banking on it!
Seeing his state of confusion...makes me want to run away from him. I will not let his confusion drag me down with him!! I do not like to see anyone suffer, but I realize it is part of his journey and not mine to fix. He has seen my growth and knows that he needs to repair himself. He feels he will do this... "after" when he can concentrate and focus.
One thing at a time.
Meanwhile, I like how I was detaching... I was starting to see some benefits for myself in doing so. I MUST KEEP GOING!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
"MM, I gave up on you a months ago. I am disappointed that you don't appreciate the gesture of my time and opinions, I am not wasting my time waiting for you anymore."
This ^^^ is me trying to manipulate you by guilt, using your same sentence formation. its immature and controlling, its a child's tantrum.
it is also worded to make you feel inadequate and stupid. its also insulting.
instead, if i were to word it in a mature, self-respecting way i'd have given my opinions and then say: nothing. I'd have assumed you heard me, and are capable of making a decision on your own.
do you see the difference?
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
"however feel that waiting a few days when he is not so emotional (after yesterday), would be better timed."
this is trying to control. You're saying you're deciding when is "better timed". you're deciding when its better for HIM. that is controlling. youre making his decisions.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Hi GM... I agree.. however I think he is ready to snap! I don't think he can handle all his stress right now. Its larger than ever before. His verbal responses have matched his words, when he states he "doesn't know"... he flip flops. His responses match when he states he is focused on the real estate deal and can only handle one thing at a time.
I am not making excuses for him... I just see his position.
KenF... ok .. yup, i guess that is control.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
