Dealing with ongoing affair -which may now be over

[Ss06]

All in all you did GREAT! You handled it well and it sounds like it was well received and a productive talk. Give yourself credit because it took a lot of courage today to hand her that letter and express yourself like that in writing.

I can relate to what your W was saying about getting lost in your life and not taking the time to get to know herself. I've learned through this process that I alone allowed that to happen. It wasn't H's fault. And if I continue to do it in the future should we R, it will be my own weakness and inability to care for myself that will allow it to happen, not H at all. Sometimes wives and mothers get wrapped up in the care of their family and put themselves on the back burner but NO ONE told them to do that. They sacrifice themselves and then become resentful that they did it.

Give her lots of space but lots of support. Hopefully, her journey to self discovery will give her the strength I have gained on a similar journey.

I also don't think you blew it by saying you missed sleeping with her. Maybe she didn't want to hear it but you were vulnerable and to me, that's not a bad thing. Perhaps just being more aware of your tendency to over share when you're feeling that way is a good thing to know about yourself. You live and you learn. It's not irreparable.

Congrats on giving a true and heartfelt apology. A great step.

[PeterV2]

Thanks Ss06 for the words of encouragement.

I want to believe that the A is over but I still get moments when I suspect that she's out seeing him. I think it's just paranoia from the old hurt. I just need to do thought stopping when I get those moments. It would help if she shared her phone with me but I feel that asking her to do so would be pressuring.
But I think that, as Sandi mentioned, she may be keeping her phone private as a statement of independence rather then a way to hide an A. If she was still in the A I think she would be acting a lot differently, like she did back in March.

She says our separation is a good thing because it allows her to find herself. If that's what it's going to take to eventually come back to me then I'll agree. I'm just afraid that it could take years and I'm lonely without her in the house.

Then again, I'm getting so used to her not being here that when she comes back I think it will be so different than I can remember that it will indeed be a new marriage. One that requires the work I've learned is needed to keep a M strong.

Yes, I'll give her lots of space and support. I guess that's the only way that she'll find her way, and hopefully that way leads back to our M.

[sandi2]

I believe women use to be taught that W's are suppose to adapt to the H's life. Everything centered around him. When I was a kid, even the TV shows had the man as the center theme........shows like "Father Knows Best" and "Make Room for Daddy". It has taken a couple of generations to break free of the 50's image. Some of it has been for the better, but some should have stayed in place.

I think there are women who were raised with some of that old traditional background and later they were exposed and educated to the more liberated, modern female. I can see where it could cause a woman who is in your W's age bracket to question and re-evaluate a lot of things when she is so unhappy.

On one hand it sounds a little rediculus for a middle age woman to say she needs to "find herself" or she feels lost. There have been too many WAW's who have made that statement to ignore the message that they are in trouble. Look at how things have changed. It use to be almost commonplace to think it would be the man who would stray. But just look at the majority of threads on our board. For years it has been the women who are restless, confused, unhappy, having heart attacks b/c of too much pressure, and suffering MLC. I remember when you never associated a MLC with women. We women had menopause and men had the MLC. Now, women get equal rights. We get to have menopause and MLC! (Somehow, it doesn't seem equal.)

IDK if this is due to how our world has become with all the pressures, or the shift in society's viewpoints and the job description for our roles. I think it gets blurred for a lot of couples. I do think the institutions of marriage and family are in serious trouble......and I am definitely concerned about the women in our society.

No advice here, Peter. Just expressing some thoughts I've had for a long time.

[PeterV2]

She was brought up in a Muslim household where the abusive father left when she was 5 and then her victim-mentality mother parentified her and made her look after her older brother, younger sister and of course her mother. Also having to walk to her daddy's house where he lived with his new family and ask him for the support cheque. At 5 years old! Sexually assaulted a couple of times and unable to report to anyone for the shame it would bring the family. She never had a chance for post secondary education as she lived to work and serve her family. Then she married to get away from the family - unfortunately marrying an alcoholic wife-beater. That only lasted a couple of year but he pursued her for a decade including beatings and police restraining orders. Not exactly the Cleaver Family. And after a second relationship with an alcoholic and a resulting bout of stress related maladies, she finally came out on the other side a solid single mom with a brilliant daughter. When her daughter was in high school I came into the picture.

So not sure, Sandi, if your general sociological expressions have a lot of bearing on our sitch, not that I don't agree with your premise. MLC could indeed have a lot to do with it. But I think see does need to find herself as I don't think she had the luxury to be able to do that earlier in her life. So it's her time now. I'll give her the space she needs and support her however I can so she can find peace with herself. That will be a better platform on which to build a new M with me.

[Wonka]

Peter,

I'm curious to know a bit more about your W.

Was there a recent death in her family or someone close to her? Some traumatic event that impacted W?

[PeterV2]

About 4 years ago when we finally moved in together after getting married she went on long term disability due to severe depression. She was diagnosed with complex PTSD. Also a dear friend of hers committed suicide - that didn't help. I moved my business into our home and worked from home. We were constantly fighting the insurance company to continue her LTD benefits which was a big stressor on top of everything else.
In Sept 2012 her mum came from overseas to live with us. Her relationship with her mum is conflicted due to their history. At the same time W & I were going to university (one course each) and working on buying the RH business. We bought the business IN Dec 2012 and then flew to South African to visit her family to see whether or not her mum should go back. It was a difficult trip as both her siblings are bipolar and it became obvious that her mum shouldn't return. So upon our return we started working on getting her mum to stay here, but then my W had to start running her new business which was difficult and quickly lead to burnout which I didn't recognize as I was excessively busy myself. That's when W started the A so she could get some peace and time away from everything.

[dawgy]

Hey Pete can you give me a boost this morning ? Wife told me last night she got a lawyer and wants to leave and move in with OM

[PeterV2]

Wonka: your thoughts?

[wmwb123]

How long has your wife's A been going on, dawgy?

[PeterV2]

W spent the day at home here cooking. Then we lay on our bed together and watched TV - no cuddling. Then D27 came over and joined us, while we had a picnic on our bed. It was nice. Some quality time. Then she went back to the RH & invited me to follow.

We had a long talk over a glass of wine. She has reread my apology letter. She's looking at me a little differently, but still says she misses her old life (before she met me) and she described her activities from that time. She says she wants that back.

She said I didn't make spending time with her a priority. I agreed and said that I've opened up my schedule and I like my slower pace, and that I never want to go back to the frantic me that I was. She sees that.

I started talking about LL but 3 sentences into my explanation she said that's all garbage - you can't pigeonhole needs. She says I've read a few books and now I think I'm an expert. I argued that I'm just trying to learn and figure out how to make things better. I said we need to figure out a way to do that. She quietly agreed.

Yeah, this is like getting a skittish deer to eat from your hand. I just have to stay still and offer food for the heart. If I'm patient enough and don't jump out then maybe it'll happen.

It's still so difficult.