Dealing with ongoing affair -which may now be over

[Wet]

Hi Peter, I just want you to know that you are an inspiration for me. Thanks for sharing the positive steps taking place in the r with your W. Best wishes.

[PeterV2]

So I gave her the apology letter today and she read it and thanked me for it. However she went on to ask why it was ok for my ex to be living with a new man but it was not ok for me. Again I repeated that that had nothing to do with it. I just didn't want my ex nosing into my new life.
My W said there were lost of other incidents where she felt like she wasn't the most important person to me. That my ex trumped her. But this of course was not the case. However that is her perception, or was her perception. I reiterated that she was and is the most important person in my life. She says, "yeah now I am. But for years I wasn't".
I'm perplexed. She's always been the love of my life since we first kissed. My numero uno. But obviously I did things to undermine that and caused her to have the perception that she wasn't #1. Perhaps I didn't communicate my feelings accurately. Perhaps some of my activities and actions caused her to perceive that I didn't think of her as #1.
How can I counter that?

I spent the rest of the day working with her at the RH. At one point she started a friendly playful pushing match - I responded with a push back, a hug & a wet kiss on the ear then continued on with my work. She cooked us lunch and we ate together. She later went to have a nap. So I finished work and came home.

I hope she reads the apology letter again. Maybe I should ask her if she's ready to start the reconciliation process. But I think I'll wait a couple of days to give her a chance to reread the letter and process the info from our discussion.

[Devaste]

Peter,

Great job on the letters. Sounds like it was received fairly well. I would just wait on asking her to start the reconciliation process. The last thing you want to be doing is creating pressure for her. I know your excited. Contain it positively, and keep up the great work!

Dev

[PeterV2]

Thanks Dev. Yeah, I won't pursue.
She called me earlier when she awoke from her nap and was disappointed I left without saying goodbye, but I told her she was asleep and I didn't want to wake her. She was a bit grumpy but then asked if I wanted to pick up some dinner & come eat with her, so I went to Timmy's & got a couple sandwiches. We spent the evening together, had a couple glasses of wine and chatted - no R talk - just light talk and some business talk. Got two long hugs and kisses goodnight when I left. She's just a bit tipsy. She did blow me a kiss by TM. All in all a fairly good day.

[Anders]

Hi Sandi, when you have a moment, could you drop by my thread? Looking for your wise words of advice. TKs.

[Wonka]

Peter,

I hope she reads the apology letter again. Maybe I should ask her if she's ready to start the reconciliation process. But I think I'll wait a couple of days to give her a chance to reread the letter and process the info from our discussion.

Gosh, you are really pushing it here! You just gave her the letter and she needs time to process it. The reconciliation process is not linear nor does it have a fixed time/deadline. It is a natural and organic process. Just let it unfold naturally without it being forced.

Enjoy the process.

My have a ring on my keychain that says:

Life's a journey not a destination.

[PeterV2]

Sandi;
You send me a post a couple of days ago about her being the most important person in my life, but I think it got deleted in the maintenance process. Could you please reiterate?

[sandi2]

Sandi;
You send me a post a couple of days ago about her being the most important person in my life, but I think it got deleted in the maintenance process. Could you please reiterate?

Are you kidding? I barely remember this morning!

I can identify with your W's feelings to a point. However, I hope I am mature enough to accept the fact that it was my H's failure to "express" his feelings in a way that would "assure" me that I was top priority in his life. I know I was his number one love, but I was insecure & jealous of his time and attention.....and needed more proof than he was showing.

I really think that's what it boils down to.......the insecurity of the W. In my case, I was very young when we got M and my LL was words of affirmation. Which was not a good combination with having a H who apparently had no clue as to how to express his love (other than having sex) and certainly never shared his thoughts with me. Before we were M, he was in the military and we wrote letters nearly every day. (This was before emails and texting days.). I lived to get those letters! I think he did a better job writing than speaking. After we got M, it was like everything changed overnight and he was not telling me what I needed to hear. He was doing a lot of things that clearly told me he put the needs of his mother ahead of his own W. He will even admit he was a mamma's boy. They are sweet sons, but don't always make great H's b/c he has two women competing for his attention.

She died a few years ago. I use to secretly long for the day we could live without her constant control in our lives. I would dream of how that freedom would feel. So, the day came that she was laying in her coffin and I was staring down at her cold body. I knew we couldn't bury her before I forgave her for the hurt she caused me, b/c I had to move forward with peace in my life. So, I forgave her out of my "will". Which means, the feelings of forgiveness had not caught up at that point. I didn't feel anything actually, but I decided to give us both (me and my MIL) forgiveness. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to forgive my H so easily. B/c that hurt over a period of the decades had turn into a deep resentment & bitterness. It changed me in a very I unattractive way, I'm sure. I tried not to let it show, but I know it came out in ways I was not aware b/c my family would tell me. I'm thinking that may be the case with your W, too.

Of course, as all those years rocked by, my M was gradually getting more strained. I was very depressed and began having a lot of health issues. When I got to the place I was not able to physically do things I once did (as my outlet to my unhappiness) I began playing online games. That's how I met OM, and had an EA.

You didn't need all that history for me to tell you that my H couldn't go back in time to undo what was done, anymore than you can do it in your stitch. However, I see something you "can" do for your W that my H hasn't done for me. You can admit to her that you did not give her the support and assurance you should have. You did not "share" with her your reasons or thoughts behind the actions you took. While your intentions were never to mistreat her, you obviously hurt her, and to a great degree. While you were set on protecting her (your M, home, personal business, etc.) you were blind to what was really taking place in her heart/mind. It might help if you told her a couple of bad words you have called yourself for not being smarter. Just shows her how serious you are. You don't want to come across as being indifferent, as if to say....."This is how it happened and if you got hurt, that's your problem".

You see, I poured my heart out to my H for so many years about my frustration and hurt. I suppose he saw it as b'tching. He never one time told me he was wrong, or that he was sorry. I would have nearly given my right arm to hear him say he would have done things differently if it were possible to go back in time. But, nada.

I think you see what was done with the eyes of your intentions at that time. She saw only the outward physical results, and then probably added in her insecurities (jealousy, etc.). Over the years, this has not died down for her. It has continued to build up inside of her til it turned her into the pillar of resentment and unforgiveness. Perhaps she wants to be free of it, but doesn't know how. It has had a tight grip for a long time. Maybe she has trouble forgiving anyone.....or maybe it's just that you haven't convinced her you are truly sorry for hurting her. I think that is the core, that you say it with remorse. Regardless of how justified you felt......if you are remorseful now, perhaps she will be able to feel remorse over her A.

I would advise you not to use the word "jealous" whenever writing or talking about past events with her. I don't know many women who will admit it, and it makes them angry if they are told they felt jealousy. Don't tell her she was wrong to feel or think a certain way at that time. You want to point your own fingers back at yourself......and not at her. All you can do is explain what was in your mind and the reasons behind your actions. Don't patronize her, or anything along those lines. Your objective should be to explain yourself in a way that will "help" her understand .......or at least, believe you never meant to put anyone else above her.

Sometimes letter writing is easier for some of us, b/c we can be more mushy with our wording......whereas we could feel awkward if we verbally spoke the same. So, get really down deep expressing your emotions when you want her to know how seriously you take her pain. Some men try to make the W appear foolish for getting her feelings hurt. But that is no way to handle things with a woman! Tell her what you told us......how you knew she was the one from the first kiss.

Assuring her by finding some different way or different words to give her.....other than saying "I apologize if I hurt you". Truth is, that doesn't show much empathy in those words. Not that you've said it, but I have heard other people say it that way. It's just not enough for some women. I'm thinking your W is one of them.

Well I guess you'll learn not to ask me to rewrite a post I can't remember!

[Ss06]

get this book: When Sorry Isn't Enough it has changed my perspective on apologies and what they mean to others and how to make them meaningfully to everyone. Written by the same guy who wrote 5LL.

[PeterV2]

Thanks Sandi & Ss06. I have some work to do...