Dealing with ongoing affair -which may now be over

[Wonka]

Peter,

Please post your draft letter for feedback and input. There is no rush to this process as there's no real deadline to give it to your W.

It is encouraging that she's opening up a bit to you.

[PeterV2]

Thanks Shodan & Wonka. Yes, I'll post the draft here for feedback & input. It's going to get very personal so please bear with me. I've been mulling it over in my mind. Yes she seems to be opening up a bit (R talk) but at the same time seems to be shutting me out a bit more too (no kisses). Maybe it's a balance she's trying to keep.

I spent quite a bit of time with her today. Had an 11am apt at the RH with a prospect, then I went back to work for a while and then another 2pm appt at the RH after which I had a short nap in her room (15min) before our 4pm apt with a new employee. Then I left before that meeting was over to meet my son for his 21st Bday. Stayed out all evening with him. W was texting me but I didn't respond. She finally phoned me just as I was coming home and we talked for a while. She wanted to know where we went for dinner. I didn't tell her. Just said we went back to my son's place after for a visit. Actually I was at his mom's (my ex's) place for dinner but I didn't really want W to know because she's still uncomfortable with my ex.

[sandi2]

As often as she harpes on old hurts, have you ever asked her what she wants YOU to do? If she keeps bringing it up, she's clearly still angry about it. She couldn't even kiss you goodnight after having that talk again.

I believe she is either hanging on to unforgiveness to justify her A.....or she feels these issues were never resolved and is needing SOMETHING (from you?) to help her put it to rest.

I really can't see the M reconciling until she finds peace with this. If there is something she expects from you.....find out what it is! Otherwise, why do you put up with this same old stuff over & over? It needs to be resolved or stopped once and for all.

I can tell you from experience that the more you allow her to browbeat about the same past offenses, the more unattractive you will be to her. B/c she is keeping that old wound raw by aggravating it all the time. In doing so, I believe it affects her level of respect for you. So I am saying that there comes a time that just listening to her harp is not healthy. You've tried validating her when she does this, right? It doesn't seem to stop her from bringing it up again.

So once you write a letter giving her a pound of your flesh, what is left for you to do? Didn't you try apologizing for everything quite some time ago? She wants you to continue apologizing over & over for past offenses, but she can't apologize for being unfaithful and for not being willing to disclose her whereabouts?

P.S. Regarding you thinking she didn't meet OM b/c she appeared too relaxed and happy, instead of being anxious. If a drug addict has just had their "fix" how do they respond to it? How does that differ from when they are needing a fix really badly? Think about it.

[PeterV2]

Sandi, what she wants me to do is put the apology in writing. She feels that me just saying I'm sorry is not allowing her to release and forgive. So I'll put it in the letter and if that doesn't give her closure and allow her to forgive and move on then I don't know what I'll do. I guess I could say, ok, now it's your turn to apologize to me. And I want it in writing. But I don't think this is a game of tit for tat. Or I could go through a course with her on Forgiveness which I got from Dr Dana Fillmore.

As for her being with OM, I remember when I knew she was with him, the next day she would have a panic attack. It was like clockwork. Very predictable. Probably due to guilt. She hasn't had a panic attack for a while and that's why I think the A may be over.

[sandi2]

I don't believe a letter will hurt. I don't know that it will help her long-term, if she has a problem letting go.....but you can try. I don't suggest you ask her for a written apology in return. I believe it would go badly. Hopefully, if the A has truly ended, and if she has him out of her head.....your written apology will be a step in her healing. Some day, hopefully, she will apologize for the A. Right now, her anger is preventing it.

A couple of positives in her receiving a letter is (1)she can't interrupt it to spew on it, and (2) she can keep it to read over as many times as she feels the need. Oh, and another...she may read something she didn't hear in the verbal apology. I can understand how her angry mind could run ahead of the words being said to her at the moment, and could actually prevent her from completely hearing everything correctly. Maybe she will be able to "hear" this letter with her heart. I hope she can.

[PeterV2]

I spent a lot of time with her this past weekend. She went out on Friday evening with one of our departing employees for a farewell dinner so I stayed at the RH until she returned. On Saturday night she went to a friend's wedding reception so I stayed again at the RH until she returned which was earlier than I expected. And she woke me up this morning by calling me to see how I was doing. Then I went over and cooked her brunch and we worked on stuff all day, had dinner together and I gave her a foot massage before I left which made her feel very good and we kissed goodbye. She called me later and we spoke for an hour on the phone. All seems good. But I still need to compose that letter.

I just need to keep up the positive interactions and help her through her difficult moments with positive gestures.

Funny, I talked to a friend who just split up with his partner because he cheated on her. He was telling me the drama and I gave him a number of tips and advice. He said to me that I seem to know a lot about this sort of thing and that what I was saying is exactly what he read in a book by Wilbur Harvey. I didn't tell him about DR but did tell him it may take up to 5 years to regain her trust. Sometime explaining things to others helps me to learn it better myself. Teaching is learning.


A very positive weekend.

[dawgy]

hey Peter I miss you valuable insight into my sitch . Can you check out my latest thread and give me a little boost ?

[PeterV2]

Ok. Here's the first installment in my apologies.

My dear W

Back in 2004 when we were first dating and you were at my place, I got a phone call that my ex was coming over to drop some stuff off for the kids or something. I did not want my ex meeting you at that point, as she was at the time being very unreasonably and had a gift for twisting things to her own advantage, so in order to protect myself from the potential vitriol from my ex I had asked you if you could leave my house for a half hour while I dealt with the ex. I realize now that that made you feel that you were less important to me than my ex was and that caused you long lasting pain.

My intention was only to protect myself from another potential psychological attack from my ex. In no way did I intend to hurt you or make you feel unimportant to me. I was going through a rough time in my divorce and acted selfishly in that regard. I will make every effort not to exhibit that type of behaviour again. I am working to improve my ability to empathize and be more considerate of the feelings of those I love.

I sincerely regret my actions that day, and wish I could turn the clock back and stand my ground against my ex, exhibiting the true pride I felt of having you by my side. I would like to make amends for that inconsiderate act if you could let me know how I could achieve that.

Please forgive me for my inconsideration and selfishness.

Love
Your H

[Wonka]

Wait a slow cotton pickin' time, Peter....isn't what your W is still stuck on 10 years on??!! That is what's causing her pain now??! That's her pretext for exiting the M and getting involved with OM?

Ya serious about that??

I cannot wrap this around my head over an incident that took place 10 years ago....

Why are you apologizing over this one incident? There has to be more than just that one to make W feel the need for you to write an apology letter to her. I cannot help but wonder at your W's motivation or agenda in having you write the apology letter. Just so you can suffer some more if the letter doesn't satisfy her.

Something's off here, Peter. Hope I am wrong.

[PeterV2]

Wonka;
She keeps bringing up that incident. There are a few other incidents that she also keeps bringing up.
1) That I was looking at porn until she asked me to stop which I did.
2) That I wouldn't seek to change my sep agreement with my ex until W threatened to leave.
3) That I was too busy to take time out to spend with her when she needed to take time off.
4) That I would be persistent until I got my way - especially on the closing date of the RH which I pushed for Nov 2012 and she wanted Mar 2013.
She claims all these things contributed to her deciding to walk away in Oct 2012. But she didn't start her A until Apr 2013 and I didn't find out about it until Dec 2013.
She told me the other night that after we went to MC in Sept 2013 and I admitted to settling with my ex and losing $156K in the deal that my W didn't know about that and after learning that decided to hook up with OM. I don't believe her. I think she was already sleeping with him back in June 2013.

But we discussed that 10 year old incident the other day and although I apologized again for it she said it might help if I wrote her a letter in that regard.