Dealing with ongoing affair -which may now be over

[Oxford1]

Hey PeterV2,

How are you ? I am Ox. It seems we may have a similar pattern in our marriage.

I am going to take some time to read through all your threads, but I guess you and the wife were together throughout her affair?

It ended on it's own or did you think you showed her that you were a man worth fighting for?

Anyhow just some thoughts and questions.

I'll check back after I read ...may take a couple of days...

[PeterV2]

25yearsmlc, thank you for your thoughtful questions. First let me clear a few things up.

And do you have 2 sons and a daughter or 3 sons? I thought I read you had 4 kids, but must have confused you with someone else.

My W has one daughter, 27, from her previous marriage and I have 2 sons, 20 & 23 and one daughter, 18, from my first marriage. None of them live with us.

Why do you believe she is envious of you having time to read? B/c she doesn't? B/c she works and does housework, and you don't but you do have time to "read and relax?"

My W doesn't live in our house. We bought a 14 room seniors retirement home (RH) in Dec 2012 and she moved into a room there in Nov 2013. A month later I discovered the A.

Maybe you ought to work (for money) so you can ease your wife's anxieties AND you won't be working much more than now, yet you'll be earning money.

I have my own business and I work from home. The RH is a corporation in her name and she runs that business. Right now the RH has 7 vacant rooms which we are trying to fill, however the business is not making money and my business is subsidizing hers. Once the rooms are full then her business will make good money. I am her maintenance man and work there almost daily fixing things that go wrong, and things are constantly breaking like any household.

So I live alone in our matrimonial home. I do all my own cleaning, laundry and chores and some cooking when I feel like it. She comes and visits me here once in while, and grabs some different clothes from her closet.

She lives in the RH and has a nice suite (which I built) with an ensuite bathroom. She eats at the RH. She does her laundry at the RH. The staff does the cleaning, although she does clean her own room. But she does a lot of grocery shopping and running around getting stuff for the RH. She also goes out and sees friends and takes good care of herself. I encourage her to take time for that.

Right now she's on a vacation and I told her not to phone the RH, that I would take care of her business while she's gone; that she needs a complete cold turkey break from the business. I told the staff to call me if there are any issues. I did the grocery shop yesterday for the RH and did the payroll.

That's a LONG time to put up with a sexless (loveless??) marriage. 10 years...why do you think it fizzled out?

I mean, I know that no sex for a decade kills most marriages - but why did that happen in the first place? (I assume that is what you are referring to when you say it "fizzled out". )

So, any insights there?

As for my first marriage, I made the mistake of telling her that I didn't marry her because of her looks but because of her personality. She was insulted and I don't think ever forgave me for that faux-pas. It's true I loved her personality, although she wasn't unattractive. But I think that sort of started the decline. We didn't sleep in the same bed for a decade because I snored. So I slept on the couch or with one of the kids if they needed me. We did love each other and did have a lot of good times. I was trying to spend more time listening to her and validating her. I have a problem with validating my partners, and this I have now identified and am working on validating as much as I see fit - don't want to go overboard. So my first wife had an EA and then asked me to move out to "give us time". I took that as a good-bye. After a couple of month I found out it was a PA and then we got D. I worked hard to minimize the impact on the kids and I would say they're happy & well-adjusted.

And how are you showing increased empathy?

As for empathy, I am very consciously seeing things from my W's point of view. I'm trying hard to listen very closely to what she says and to read between the lines / read the body language and delivery.

Not sure about how you know she "felt anxious" but I can easily see how she'd see a frantic "too busy to live" approach in you.

My W told me that my rushing made her anxious. I stopped rushing.

Hey, no offense, okay? But this^^ implies that SHE must change HER behavior. The reality is You do as well. What are you doing to keep your needs in check? How are you working on NOT asking so much of her, so often?

How are you doing learning about what she does like and enjoy, so you know you are not again asking her to "endure" something she does not enjoy?

We were talking about this the other day and she realizes that she needs to stop trying to please me - I told her I was fine with that. I also am trying very hard not to make any requests for her.

you rush at your peril.

Amen. I know I need to give her lots of space and time.

You think it's hard to detach when you are together but i the next sentence you reveal you do not want to detach' you want to show her the new you. But you can do both at the same time, detach AND show the new you.

IN fact in your situation being detached would be a 180 and would also show her the new you but you also have to show somehow that SHE and spending time with her are your priorities.

How do I detach and then also spend lots of time with her?

Why do you believe she is envious of you having time to read? B/c she doesn't? B/c she works and does housework, and you don't but you do have time to "read and relax?"

What can you do to help her so she doesn't do all the work? How can you help her have some free time and what can you do in your free time to help around the house or finances?

She told me she’s envious of me having time to read. She told me her mind is too scramble to read. I think she’s still in withdrawals from her recently ended A, but that is just mind reading. I don’t bring that up any more.

Yeah, I know she’s worn out, exhausted, burnt out. That’s why all she can do is watch TV in her down time. She’s sleep deprived. I’ve hire a HR firm to find her a live-in caregiver so that she can sleep through the nights. Hopefully we’ll hire someone in the next couple of weeks. She needs the help.

I help her every opportunity I get. I just spent a month reshingling the roof on the RH to save her $10,000. So needless to say I haven’t been reading much this past month. But now I have to go as I’m reroofing our matrimonial home now. I want to have it done by the time she returns from her vacation.

Thanks for all the advice 25yearsmlc. So did you R with your H?

[PeterV2]

Last time I heard from W was last Thursday. A brief text: "Hi".
I've been busy reroofing our house for the past week. No word from W. I went to MC yesterday. MC seems to think W is just decompressing and taking a break from everything. Who knows what tomorrow may bring when she returns from vacation. I'm just keeping detached.

[dawgy]

Hey Pete thats what ive been doing too. Doing alot of maitenance and repairs around home . Its good for the mind and good for the property. Not to mention it keeps you from thinking about W . It also reminds her of how good you are at hands on work and keeping the household in ship shape . Perhaps OM is a dork and doesn t know what end of a screw driver to hold on to . lolol In my case far as im concerned he could have the ability to build an egyptian pyramid and he d still be a piece of garbage for having an affair with a married women with children .

[PeterV2]

Didn't finish the roof toady, but it'll hold out the weather until next week when I get back home.

W came home tonight. Texted me before she flew out of Miami. First text in a week. Texted me again when she landed in Toronto. Phoned me on the way from the airport talked for a half hour and invited me to come visit her.
I showered, put on my best shirt and cologne. When I pulled in she came to me and gave me a long hard hug - like 30 seconds. We sat & talked about her vacation - she slept a lot. Had a very relaxing time and is feeling totally different. After a half hour I left and she gave me a couple more long hard hugs & kisses.
I'm going away now for 4 days on a hike with my 2 sons. She said she may meet me at the end of the hike.
I'm feeling pretty good about things. I didn't say ILY or any pursuing thing - well I did go in for a third hug and kiss.
We'll see what the next few days brings.

[dawgy]

Im happy for you Pete , but I think IM doomed . I feel totally terrible this morning . She left last night to be with OM

[PeterV2]

The other day W called me and asked if I wanted to have a coffee with her. I said our place or yours? She came here, we had a coffee. Then she pulled out some paintings we wanted to get framed: one from our first trip to the Caribbean, one from our wedding trip and another her brother painted. Then we went to a jeweller to start the process of getting some custom jewelry for our 2 daughters and W. Then we went out to dinner.

At dinner she asked me, "well where do we go from here?" I told her I think we need to create a new path for a new relationship. She asked me if it doesn't work out and we find we were just not meant to be together she'd still like to be friends and be supportive of each other. I didn't reply to that one except to say let me think on that.

She also said she feels like we're best friends but there are some things she can't tell me and that's hard. I should have asked her what those things are but I didn't press the issue. Now it's driving me crazy trying imagining what she wanted to say but couldn't.

We talked about how our relationship broke and I admitted that I was disrespectful of her views and insistent on getting my own way. She agreed that she gave in to me and shouldn't have. But I said that's in the past. I know now never to let things get to that point. That I need to respect her views and wishes.

I told her to get back on track will be a lot of hard work. She said then maybe it's not right - it should be easy. (I don't know what she's smoking). I think she's still conflicted.

Is it time to suggest reconciliation? Is it time to pull out the DB book and go over it with her? I also got a course from StrongMarriageNow by Dr Dana Filmore with modules on how to get your partner checked back in and the half a dozen modules on relationship skills to be learned.

Or should I let her flounder some more and back off? I believe the A is over but she hasn't offered me her phone for me to check. I've opened my computer to her - I have nothing on it to hide.

I could use some guidance here. Are we at a stage where I can suggest R?

[Wonka]

Hiya, Peter.

It is great to see that you are having interactions with W. Seems to be moving in the right direction...but very, very slowly.

Is it time to suggest reconciliation? Is it time to pull out the DB book and go over it with her? I also got a course from StrongMarriageNow by Dr Dana Filmore with modules on how to get your partner checked back in and the half a dozen modules on relationship skills to be learned.

Don't ever reveal the DB book to a WAS. This is our playbook and should be kept close to our vest. Oh man...I have seen posters reveal DB or DB site to their WAS and it all blows up in their faces. Not good.

If you feel that Strong Marriage Now would be a good step, I think it is worthwhile. Of course, W will need to be willing to do this as well. It takes two to tango.

Have you considered Retrouville? I've seen posters swear by it. So might be worth checking out for you and W.

Creating new memories and hobbies as a couple has proven to be a good way to bond together. You might want to chat with W about this and find creative ways to experience new experiences together.

Have you checked your intel to verify that the A is indeed completely over between W and OM?

[PeterV2]

I have not checked intel to confirm the A is over. I thought I shouldn't snoop. But I could.

[PeterV2]

Oh. She was visiting an elderly friend of ours. She just sent me a text saying the old lady says hi. I replied: tell her your husband says hi too. She sent me back a smile
See - my imagination is too fertile. I should start screenwriting.