Hi all. I normally post in newcomers but I was referred here in addition because some think my H is going through a MLC (he is almost 31)
Long story short we have been together almost 10 years, we have 2 boys. We have had our fair share of ups and downs but nothing to the point of this. If February H never came home from work one day. He told me he ended a couple days but would be home by valentines day (he had made reservations for us). Well days go by he won't talk to me won't meet me or anything. By the way he moved in with his boss. He had just been looking for a new job and was sick of his boss so I was surprised To hear he went to stay there. we had several friends that offered for him to come stay with them for a couple days and they all told him the boss house was not a good place to be (he cheated and left his wife and kids for a 19 year old and married her years ago and they are still together)
Ends up telling me he wants a divorce via text like 2 weeks later. We still hadn't met or talked at this point. We went to MC once after e dropped the D bomb. He refused to go back after the one session and went to IC twice and then stopped going.
During this a friend of mine saw H with boss daughter (19 years old) I never said anything to H. Didn't think anything of it. We didn't even really know her. Or so I thought.
H ends up filing for D in March I got served in May. He never told me he filed. We met for dinner twice (end of March) and just talked about the boys. He sad he was confused and didn't know what he wanted. The second time after we met I lost it. I cried and asked him why he couldn't talk to me about us. He just said it's over I'm unhappy. I'm done. That's all I got. He told me it was too emotional and he needed to go and sent me an I'm sorry text.
Well I find out in April he and the teenager are hanging out more. I checked the phone bill (he got a new number after he left) he and her textd every day on dec January and February up until the day he left then no texts.
Now they are in a full blown relationship for the last month. H wot talk to me. Won't see me. Won't look at me won't answer a phone call from me (I've called him once since end of March). Recently we see eachother at basketball for our boys. We talk a small amount and I am friendly and happy. He does. Not bring up the divorce. He has not told me they are dating. He told me in June they were just friends. I haven't acknowledged her or him together. He had his tattoo for me covered up and got a new one for her.
I don't know what to do. I don't text or call. I only respond to his texts about the boys which is seldom. Her dad and step mom are very supportive obviously. It's a screed up situation.
I don't know what im looking for. I'm just hurt and sad and don't know what to do. I'm working on me and focusing on the boys. I'm sure I've left out a ton.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
I have already read a lot of those links but there were definitely some new ones I hadn't come across
Although my H is 30 I do feel as if this is MLC.
A lot of posts really resonated and got me thinking. H used to professionally race BMX. We got the boys into it about 2 years ago. About a 1.5 years ago, H decides to race again. While he was involved with the boys it also became a lot about him. My dad used to joke and say does he think he's a teenager again. I would venture to guess this is when it all started. We had begun to look at bigger homes around this time and his job put a constraint on us being able to purchase a second home.
In Oct- January H really voiced to me and family/friends how unhappy he was with his job and how his boss didn't know how to run a business. Funny that in February he left and went to live with his boss and now LOVES his boss and job (and daughter now too!) and it was ME that was the problem not his job. He told me in February it took him getting away from me to realize that I was the only problem in his life and that he realized the first couple weeks of being gone that he was the happiest he's ever been.
I am sure we are in the replay timeline and I believe he left in the anger stage. Who knows how long he will be there. He still hasn't mentioned anything to me about his GF although he's told others and posts it all over social media of them kissing, etc. I've mentioned nothing.
I'm working on me as best as I can. I'm sure this divorce will go through. He filed a month after leaving and never even told me he filed. I was served without him telling me about it.
Thanks for your help. Looking forward to any advice
Just a thought for you: He used to professionally race BMX bikes. This means he probably sustained his share of concussions over the years. Which means, according to the research on football players, that he may be high risk for depression and other brain problems.
I'll bet he was suffering from depression. Then the dopamine high of infatuation with his new GF temporarily relieved his symptoms, so he thinks the problem was you. He hasn't figured out yet that he has brought his problems with him, and they will crop up again.
Also, he's enjoying a return to the single life, instead of the responsibility of family. Must be nice!
I don't know if he had any concussions but it's a possibility
I did get a email from my lawyer to set up mediation. I can't believe we are going to go through with this. He is like a stranger to me anyway. He can't look me in the eyes, can't answer a phone call (I called once in April and he ignored it and textd me instead). He won't see the boys unless I'm at work so he doesn't have to see me.
The only time we see eachother is at basketball which is tonight.
I just don't know how it got so bad. I feel so hopeless compared to all the other stories I read on here. My H has nothing to do with me. Won't be around me or even talk to me (I stopped trying to talk to him at the end of March) he now posts pictures of him kissing his 19 year old girlfriend.
T, Many of us have gone thru what you are experiencing right now. He can't look at you or hear your voice because it makes him feel guilty and ashamed of what he's doing. He's avoiding you because he honestly can't be around you right now because of the guilt...trust me...he knows exactly what he's doing and it's eating him up inside because he knows it is very wrong.
It will get worse before it gets better and at some point he may become very close w/one of the boys. It usually will be the one that doesn't question what he's doing.
I know you love this man, but you've got to let him go to travel the road for what he thinks he's missed out on. Sometime, long ago, in his childhood, he wasn't recognized for the things he did or he was mistreated, abused by an authority figure and at that point in time, he was emotionally stunted and never completely experience life and grew up. So, when MLC hits, they go back to that age and have to grow up from there. It's a trip you didn't want to on w/him.
While he's traveling back in time and being a kid again, your own journey is beginning. I know, it's not something you wanted to do...but it's happened and you've got to pack your mental and emotional bags for a long trip. This trip is not for the faint of heart. It's not a sprint, but a long, hard marathon.
While he's out experiencing life, you will need to protect your assets, i.e, checking and savings accounts, credit cards, and all other bills that come into your home. You will need to ensure that you have funds to pay those bills and please do not rely on him to pay them or be honest about things. He's not the man you knew pre-crisis and it's all about him now. He's the mirror image of the man you knew.
You are now the sole adult in your family and your boys are going to look to you for strength and encouragement. They are going to need reassurance that you are okay and that they will be okay too.
To help you keep your mind off of him and what he's doing, dig out that long list of projects that you've put aside and begin working on them. Find things to keep you busy and continue to post here to rant, have pity parties, etc. There is always someone around.
Above all else...his crisis is not your fault. He would have had one whether he was single or married. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. Live your life to the fullest as if he may not return. Keep the focus on you and your boys.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You really touched on some parts of his childhood. When he left he said he did so because of his parents. He said he didn't want the boys growing up like he did and that his parents should have divorced (they never did and are still together 35 years later). He moved out of their home when he was 15 and moved in with friends. He and his father did not and still do not have a good relationship. He and his dad have gotten closer since he and I started dating but they don't talk all the time. He always said from when we first started dating I don't want to be like my dad I'm not going to turn into my dad when we have kids I'm not going to be like my father. Unfortunately he has turned worse than his dad. He is not involved with the boys and is busy going away with OW every weekend. He sees the boys maybe 2 hours a week. But I do not push it - I leave it be because like you said it's his own journey.
I know all of this is his own journey and. I do know I have faults I need to work on things that I could have been a better W. I did not like his job and he knew that but he also didn't like it either. That was the only thing we argued about. I guess I could have handled those arguments better but it's hindsight now.
He took money out of my personal savings account while the boys and I were on a trip in March that he stood us up on. So eveything is protected now. I leaned the hard way.
We have to go to mediation this month. I just thought I would have more hope than this ending in a rushed divorce with someone that hates me so much he can't even make eye contact.
Looking back I see that he always started projects and never finished them. His dad told me when we first met H is a quitter. And I was so upset that a father would talk of his son like that. But over the years H started projects and never finishes. Is always buying a new car because the one that was perfdct a year ago is now a POS. I just never thought he would quit on me and trade me in like he did his cars/projects.
I want to fix this and I know he needs to go on his journey. Until I found this site I pursued and begged but since April I have not. It hasn't changed a thing. It actually has gotten worse. He has publicly admitted to the teenager and now post pictures. I feel like the further I distance myself from him (not responding to texts or only responding with yes/no about the kids) the worse he gets
Also I am the sole provider now. He hasn't helped with much. He did help may and April with half of the mortgage and car payment but now this month it's back to no help. I actually now have a second job as of April. It is temporary and on a 6 week basis I resign the contract based on the need (I work in a hospital). So it's just getting me by. Not enough to pay everything so my credit is suffering but my home is paid for and my boys lives haven't changed too much (besides H being gone)
You said "I want to fix this" You cannot. You didn't break it. The only thing you can fix is working on yourself for YOU not him. Read everything you can on MLC. Look up a divorcecare group in your area, it was a tremendous help for me. He cannot make eye contact due to guilt he feels. Be strong, if you pray, then pray often for strength and give it all to God. That's something else that really helped me through this. It is the hardest thing you will probably ever encounter other than things with your children. I don't have children so this was the biggest heartbreaker of all time. Once you start working through your own issues and become stronger as an individual you will see a light at the end of the tunnel. You are responsible for yourself and your own happiness, not for him. Facebook is a killer, you have to force yourself to stop looking at it - block him if you have to or at least unfriend him, it only hurts you to see that. You have to detach, be independent no co-dependent and be proud of yourself for all that you are accomplishing on your own. Journal and journal often. Read all the posts you can. Hang in there, it's not easy. Try and stay positive - fake it til you make it - find little quotes on here and repeat them to yourself each day, certain ones will just click with you. Read the Sandi's rules if you haven't, I read them a lot. This takes a long time so you have to prepare yourself for that. GAL, focus on you and your children. You can't depend on him for anything at this point. I try to think of it as a creative learning experience Be sure and take time to grieve. There's great advice on these boards, they're full of experience and support.
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
It took me awhile to realize that this is his own journey. I am a fixer so it was hard for me to let go and to be honest I don't know that I fully have. There has been a lot of drama going on this weekend and it's very hard for me to DB and deal with H when there are so many other things that HAVE to be addressed. Although I have been posting here for a couple months now I still feel like I need my hand held for everything and I am trying to work on that. This place is really the only place I can vent. I have truly learned who my real friends are and are not during this and I don't want this to define me. I don't want my friends and family to think it's all I talk about so I vent here. A lot! Probably too much.
H made some more poor decisions this weekend. Without going into too much detail- he has 2 vehicles that are in my name that he won't return and my lawye has been working on it. We had made a deal a couple weeks ago and when it came time for them to be returned he changed his mind and said no. So my lawyer has a meeting Monday with the judge and his lawyer. Well I told you guys how involved he is with his boss. He lives with them and is dating their 19 year old daughter. They are all going on vacation. H gave his boss my truck that he has. That I'm paying for The insurance on to drive out of town for vacation. I am livid. I just don't know how to deal with these things because he lies about everything. I sent him a text yesterday before I knew he gave them the truck asking for it to be returned because my car broke down and is in the shop and I need a way to get to work. First he said he had it and was already out of Town then when I told him he said he wasn't leaving til the next day his story changed and he said oh well my boss actually has it he's taking it for The 2 weeks they will be gone.
I sent a group text to all of them letting them know I did not give them permission and I will not assume responsibility if anything happens. I cannot report it stolen even though it is Not in H's name because since were married it's the huge GRAY area which stinks
Any advice would be great. I'm pretty over this drama fest. I feel like my IQ is being drug down every time I have to deal with him and this screwed up family he has involved himself in
That's tough. If the car is in your name and you went and took it, it would work in reverse right? They cannot report it stolen?
Maybe not db, but I would take what's mine. I did, h is livid I think he's tryed to report it stolen. Local police advised me they would laugh at him and say get a l.
H threatened letter of demand from sherif, which I would love so I can frame it. the quirky side would love that.
L said while he might be able to wangle a sheriff demand I can answer with this is going to mediation. Which it is, meaning h has no legs to stand on legally.
Hopefully your l can advise you what you can do legally.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Be sure and take time to grieve. There's great advice on these boards, they're full of experience and support.
the quirky side would love that.