Trying Again

[topgunmb]

After re-reading what I had initially posted last year, I realize that there was still a lot of pain and anger in what I was saying. So, I'm going to try again now that I feel that I am in a better place emotionally.

My W and I have been married 11 1/2 years and have now been separated a year. There has been a lot happen that lead up to the separation and I know it's best to keep things short in these posts. The long and short of it is that things became very rocky in our relationship after a move out to CA taking us from a comfort zone to a very different life. She started making friends with people at school that were 10 years younger than her and living a very different lifestyle than her. Unfortunately for myself and the kids, we couldn't compete with these people. She told me May of 2013 that she didn't love me anymore and that our marriage was over. When I asked her if she was going to file for divorce, her response was "No one said anything about divorce," which I have to say, was very odd. She moved out in July 2013.

Since then, I have taken that time to try to compose myself. It was hard at first and then finding DR really helped. I started focusing on myself and being the best dad I could be to 2 children that were very confused. I'm working on losing weight and buffing up, changing out my wardrobe when finances permit, and just trying to be in an overall good mood. I try to be as confident as I can without seeming like a jerk when decisions need to be made. I know, though, that I could do a better job of detaching.

For her, I don't know details about what's going on and I don't ask anymore. I allow her to tell me when she's ready. She has A LOT of pride and forgiveness has always been something that she has struggled with. It's been a tough year for her. Her car was impounded (31 parking tickets...yes, 31) and she was evicted from the apartment she was living in with one of her guy classmates (whom she insists was just a friend and nothing more, he is going through a divorce). I had to help with the car because my name is on it (she can't qualify for the loan on her own). She went to live with an older, female classmate and things suddenly seemed to improve between us. It wasn't much, but suddenly she was inviting me to do stuff with her and the kids on the weekend and she was starting to communicate with me more. Unfortunately, it appears the pendulum has shifted again in the other direction.

Now, I find myself standing at the beginning of a barren wasteland where my children are visiting family for what may be the rest of the month. She is back here, but I have zero expectations that I will see her during this time. And that's tough to know. She would come up on the weekends to spend time with the kids and after they went to bed, we would watch something together and she would let me rub her feet.

Anyway, this is starting to get long. I'm hoping I can call upon your guidance and suggestions on how to tackle this best because sometimes, I just feel lost and hopeless.

[MrBond]

How long have you been away from posting?

[topgunmb]

It's been since February. I've been reading things here on the forum during that time. In the last month, I signed up for DB coaching too, which one of the suggestions was to become more active here. In my life, I have found that it is easier for me to offer help to others than to accept help for myself. It doesn't make sense why it is that way for me. I'd like to consider myself a somewhat intelligent person most days, but when it comes to this situation our little family finds itself in, I feel like a caveman picking up a stick for the first time.

[Wet]

Hi Topgun, I am sorry to see that you are back. One thing jumped out to me in your post. You said that she is going to school with people 10 years younger and that you and the kids "couldn't compete with these people".

Are you saying that there are other men that occupying your W's time now? Because if you are, remember there are always going to be men around your W. It is how your W responds to these other men that shows who she is.

Don't forget you can compete with anyone else in your W's life. You will always have something that other men do not. You are married to her, and you have a family together. This is the biggest advantage you have over everyone else. Take care of yourself, detach and good luck.

[topgunmb]

Thank you for that, Wet! I suppose I never thought about it that way. There's a mixed group of people that she hangs out with at school. Most of them are women who are either single/boyfriend/live with boyfriend. I saw someone here in the forums refer to their W's posse and that would best describe them. Recently, it seems like she has one really good girl friend, which I think has been good for her. Living with a woman who had 2 daughters that are college age was also a good thing for her two, getting her out of the apartment she was sharing with the guy from school.

Where I guess I get focused on not being able to compete is she started to go out to the clubs and parties with these people. She started drinking. I know to some this may not be a big deal, but up to that point in her life, she had never done that and it was never a part of our M. Suddenly that was so much more exciting than being home or doing things with our family.

I know that one of her complaints is that we did a lot of sitting around and watching TV. She wanted to be out more and doing things and eventually got tired of being the one to always suggest things. At the time, it didn't occur to me that I should be paying more attention to this. I grew up in a family that that is what we did in the evenings. When we started dating, we were outside a lot, taking walks, playing basketball (a divinely inspired sport... ), etc. Once we had our first child, it became more difficult and we fell into the deadly trap of routine. Those habits of my family's life started to creep back that I didn't even realize it was happening until now that I look back.

So, trying to change that and the perception that that is our family. Bought SoCal season passes to Disneyland, the kids and I hit the local park whenever we can, we're at the pool almost everyday, and we venture down to the beach every so often. When they get back from visiting family in Minnesota, I'm planning some camping trips too.

[asat82]

I am sorry to hear about the situation, it sounds very similar to my situation. My wife has a younger group of work friends, who are all either single or going through a divorce. They tend to go out all the time, and during these phases she is much more withdrawn from me. But when we spend more time together, she tells me she doesnt really like these people, and doesnt want to continue going out and drinking til the bars close, but it still continues. I get so confused about it all and just hope that one day she will come around and realize that if she just tried to have fun with me, we could be wonderful together.

I wish you the best and encourage you to stay strong in keeping yourself active and busy and moving toward becoming who you want to be.

[topgunmb]

Just a little journaling. Not expecting to hear from W until the kids get back, I was surprised to get a text from her yesterday. It was just a short conversation about getting the kids some prepaid phones so they could text us while they are visiting family. Spent the day working on some personal projects and then the evening with some friends. The toughest time of the day is right before bed when I look in the mirror and realize how quiet the house is without the kids here and thoughts turn to her. I wish she was still here, but know that only she can make the choice to come back.

Went to church today and the lesson taught was definitely meant for me to hear. I have often had people ask me how I am making it through as they, in a similar situation, would have completely lost it. I guess I can only say that it has been my faith that has pulled me through the toughest times. I know that I had started to lose that prior to things going south in our relationship. I wish it didn't have to be this situation that needed to remind me that my faith is what has helped me be the person that I was when we first married. Hind sight is always 20/20, I suppose. Best to take those lessons and use them going forward, working on being the type of spouse only a fool would leave.

[topgunmb]

Caveman brained question here, but I was wondering what things might be considered "baby steps?" Some are a little more obvious, like she's been nicer to me and texts me more, but mostly it's just about the kids. She has let me rub her feet while watching TV together on the weekends. She stays with us on the weekends now. These are big improvements since before the beginning of the year, she couldn't even stand to be in the same room with me for more than 5 min.

Are there other things that others have experienced that I can watch for? Not that I want to spend my time obsessing over them, but I also don't want to miss seeing one should it happen.

[rayzzz]

She has let me rub her feet while watching TV together on the weekends. She stays with us on the weekends now. These are big improvements since before the beginning of the year, she couldn't even stand to be in the same room with me for more than 5 min.

Are there other things that others have experienced that I can watch for? Not that I want to spend my time obsessing over them, but I also don't want to miss seeing one should it happen.

Glad to read your posts and see the db progress you are making. You've mentioned the foot rubbing a couple times here which I would kill to do for my WAW. Are there any hugs or other times of affection that are building? I am newer at this DB game then you but as long as this foot rubbing is bringing both of you closer together...and not being some kind of mind game she does to screw up your detaching (the more you touch her, the more she would be on your mind of course) than IMHO keep up these baby steps.

The wisdom of the vets will add much more than I can say but good on you...be the man only a fool would leave.

[topgunmb]

Unfortunately, no, the foot rubbing is about the extent of it. I did massage her hands one time as an extension of the foot rub. But that was only a one time thing. It's usually late at night when it happens and she goes to bed afterward.

At this point, I'm just happy that she lets me even do that.

[pilot]

Seems you are doing pretty well top. Just make sure SHE wants the footrubs and is not just letting you do it. Big big difference. Otherwise keep up the DB and keep doing what works!

[Paz2014]

Hey Topgun!

Be glad that she lets you touch her at all. From a woman's perspective, touching is a crucial part of love. Even though it's just her foot...the fact that she trusts you enough to give her a foot rub is saying a lot. The text messages and her being nice are tiny steps but they are positive and those are the things you're looking for--even though they are just about the kids. Right now she's testing the waters and the most comfortable and safest way to get close to you is by keeping you at arms length. She may have to see you as a friend first...

[topgunmb]

She may have to see you as a friend first...

It's interesting that you should say that. In March of last year, we had a talk after her not speaking to me for 2 months about nothing other than things that needed to be done for the kids. One of the things on her list was that she felt we needed to become friends again. As she described it, we had this castle that we kept trying to patch up the holes, all the while, the foundation was crumbling. I agreed because it really made sense. Unfortunately, we never got a chance to do that before things took a turn for the worse.

Hopefully, that opportunity will present itself again.

[topgunmb]

Just some journaling:

This week has been tough. I've been house sitting for my boss/friend. I miss being in my own place! My boss and his wife are VERY particular about things and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells in their home. I'm sleeping on an air mattress in their front room and that has done nothing for my sleeping schedule. Ha!

W texted me on Monday about a few things for the kids and so say that she had overdrawn her account. I'm the constant go to when things go wrong in her life. Texted a few times to let me know she was going to be sending something to the kids while they are at her mom's. Kept all my replies positive and short. She sent a text that felt like she was ending the conversation so I didn't reply back. My usual MO has been to send something back after that point and in retrospect, it just seemed...well, weak.

I initiated contact with W on Tuesday later in the day to ask about a book. We have been watching Game of Thrones together when she would come up on the weekends and she likes fantasy books. There is a book series that she has read since we first met, but I've never been interested in it in the past. After Game of Thrones, I thought I might give it a try. Asked her if she had the books with her. I was pretty sure they were still here (she's been storing her stuff in the garage since the time she was evicted from her apartment), but didn't want to look unless I had permission first. She told me what box they would probably be in and we had a little text conversation about the books. She ended by saying that she needed to go to bed (it was late) but that she hoped I enjoyed it and to have a good night.

No contact yesterday and hadn't any today until she texted me in the middle of writing this to ask about a video file I had sent her on Monday that she was having trouble opening.

It's hard not to get discouraged sometimes. It's been over a year and while there have been definite improvements in terms of her attitude toward me, it's hard not to wish for more. As much as it would be fantastic for her to walk in one day and have things back to normal, I know that won't happen. I don't want things to be the way they used to be. The way they used to be ended in a place where neither of us were happy. It would just be nice to start again, this time with the knowledge that I've gained over the past year, and take it slow.

Anyway, sorry for the venting. I'm really missing my kids and sometimes Two-Face takes over my brain. I need to send up the signal to have my inner Batman come put a little hurting on him. The upside to this week has been that I've had time to work on a freelance project and a personal project that I've been putting off for way too long now. Getting back into a regular workout schedule again and moving me a step closer to getting my Captain America body.

[topgunmb]

Ugh. Trying so hard not to be upset. Been trying to limit contact with W this past week. So far, she has been the one to initiate contact with me almost everyday.

Today, I get a FB message from her asking about anti-virus software for her laptop. Then there was another message saying "Wanna see pictures of me and x surfing yesterday?" and a follow up "Sorry, that was for SIL" I asked her who x was and she responded that he was a guy from school that she had gone surfing with a few months ago and asked if I remembered. Yeah...never told me about that. I just responded that I'm sure she had and I just didn't remember and moved on.

Now, it's entirely possible that this guy is nothing more than a surfing buddy, but I guess I just find it interesting the way that she worded the question to her sister.

Am I mind-reading/reading too much into that?

[pilot]

yes you are definitely mind reading.

And quit initiating contact with her about a book you want to read. I know you want to talk to her but when you 'reach' for topics, you come across poorly with her. Give her the space she wants and detach and let her make the contact. Even then be brief.

Good luck!

[topgunmb]

Thanks, pilot! As soon as I sent the text about the book, I regretted it. Should have taken that moment to think before sending to decide if it was a good idea or not.

Not mind reading is something that I struggle with. It's so easy to do sometimes and I know it's an area that I definitely need to improve on.

[topgunmb]

I've seen a few people mention 5LL here. At what point in DB would you recommend that book? i.e. when things seem to have taken a turn for the better (which hasn't really happened here, sadly). In my quest to become the type of H only a fool would leave, I'm trying to get all the knowledge and tools that I can into my utility belt.

[Ben2010]

I would read it as soon as you have the free time to do it. Its never too early to get the knowledge from it. Great book that can explain so many simple things that you may not have understood before.

[Gotan74]

I wish my WAW would let me do that you are lucky one day at a time.

[topgunmb]

Thanks, Ben! I'll look into that asap. I often feel that, now looking back, that we weren't speaking the same love language. I did what a lot of people, men in particular, do and that is love my W like I wanted to be loved. Instead, I should have been more aware of how she needed and wanted to feel love from me. Live and learn, I suppose.

Gotan - I wish I could say that it was easy, but it's not been. As Carnegie said, "Anything in life worth having is worth working for." Unfortunately, it seems we're on a bit of a backslide. Since the kids have been gone, I've seen my W one time in the last 3 weeks and that was to pick her up from the airport after she dropped the kids off for their summer visit to the in-laws. I've gone dark save one slip-up. She's contacted most days by text of FB message to ask questions about the kids or computer stuff she doesn't understand. I can only hope that she is missing not seeing me on the weekends like before. In the meantime, I'm doing my best to get in shape so that when it comes time for her to fly out to get the kids and I take her to the airport, I'm looking pretty darn good and that image sticks with her the whole flight.

[topgunmb]

So, a random moment tonight that gave me reason to pause and think. Around the end of last year/beginning of this year, I made the conscious decision to be more positive in the way I spoke about my W with others. I had so focused on everything that she had done and was doing to me and our family by her choices. By making the choice to speak positively, I noticed a difference in our interactions. Perhaps it was just that she saw me relax or perhaps it was that the energy I was giving off when she was around was more positive, but suddenly she was nicer to me than she had been in a very long time.

Unfortunately, I think in the past few months I have gotten away from that. Mostly because I started to expect things from her as things seemed they were on a more positive path (i.e. wanting her to spend time with me after the kids went to bed/not going out with friends when she was here on the weekends). My family doesn't help either as they take many opportunities to pry (despite my best efforts to let them know that I don't wish to discuss the situation at the moment). Things haven't been as happy as they had been.

I was listening to a song tonight that I've listened to many times before. Toward the end of the song, the lyrics say, "Try to show kindness in all that you do. Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought..." I don't know quite how to explain it other than it was an instant reaction to those words. Suddenly, the tears were flowing fast and hard. It caught me by surprise. It was a reminder to me that I need to be more aware of the things I am saying and thinking about her, especially now.

Anyway, just my random thought/experience for the night.

[HeadUp]

topgun I have no clue how you are doing what you are doing. I can be wrong but how I am reading this whole situation is that she has the benefits of being married with you helping her out and being able to see the kids on the weekend and you picking her up at the airport and still gets to be single. Every time she has texted you or FB message you, you have responded. Isn't your kids at her mother's house? Why can't she talk to her mom about the kid's? It really does sound like she is having her cake and eat it too.

You are a strong man I am not doubting that at all. And I can honestly say that from what I have seen you post that you love your wife with all your heart and soul. But if she doesn't see that you are moving forward and bettering yourself with or with out her, then I don't see how things are going to change.

DB says to have NC and do 180's and they are tough as hell. I will contest to this one. I want to call my W and touch her and let her know that she isn't a bad person and blah blah blah. But then I am doing the same thing that I have always done which doesn't work. Now I am not saying being mean to her. Yes show her kindness when you talk about the kids. Other than that don't talk to her or about her. I had to humble myself and started talking kindly about my W. I need to be the guy that makes her look like a fool if she leaves.

My W doesn't want to spend time with the kids. It is summer and she has had them for literally 2 weekends the whole 2 months. I don't say anything about this because she has to live with what she is doing and not spending time with them. When she goes and tells someone that she has kids and they ask where they are at or when the last time she saw them, she has to deal with that feeling.

GAL brotha GAL. You will find yourself and be a lot more happier with it. You might even find out something new about you that you didn't think about before. If hundreds of people on this forum can do it (And I am working on being one of them) than you can to.

GAL, NC, 180, and love yourself. You got this keep your head up and keep swinging for the fences. Eventually your going to get that hit.

[topgunmb]

Definitely things that I need to work on and improve at, for sure.

As for the texts and FB messages about the kids, those are usually messages that are concerning care of the kids or comments on things the kids are doing while they are visiting her family. She doesn't hesitate to contact her mom. She and her mom are really good friends, which is good and bad in some cases. MIL is a very bitter and emotional person where relationships are concerned. FIL had an A when W was in high school and ended up leaving the family for OW. But, I also know that MIL cares for me and is torn about the situation.

In any case, I'm sorry to hear that your W doesn't want to spend time with your kids. My W does things with our kids and it's not always as I or they would have it. But, at this point, I will take any contact she has with them as a positive opportunity.

I have come to accept that sometimes, this situation is more the drop of water against the stone. It is often VERY slow and sometimes takes awhile to fall. There are many times where I wish it could be a full on waterfall, but it's better than no drop at all.

[topgunmb]

Well, we're just about at the end of the summer vacation for the kids. W has left to go pick them up from MIL's and they will be back on Tuesday. I am so excited to see the kids again!! It's been a rough month since they haven't been here after being with them everyday for the last year.

I've been an emotional mess lately. Lots of stress going on with wondering when our current hiatus will end. Studio still hasn't made a decision on another season of the show we've done 2 seasons for. We were back at work at this point last season. I have been keeping my ears open for other opportunities. Things in this business are odd because there can be no word at all and then all of a sudden, production begins the next day and they want everything yesterday. It's important to me to be a good provider to my family. I know that it is for her as well. She grew up with a father who never really had a steady job and they weren't able to do a lot because of it. I left a very steady job with free health care benefits to follow a dream of working in the television industry. Wish now that I had done my homework a little better and been more satisfied with my previous job. Wish I had taken steps to move up within that organization. Hindsight is always 20/20 and I realize now that I didn't possess the maturity back then to understand that. Stressing about this situation has made it difficult for me to sleep at night and I know that that has caused me to be a little less positive about things.

I've been doing a pretty good job with NC with W. I've had to text her a few times for things related to the kids, but other than that, she's been the one to initiate contact. Never about anything other than the kids, though. Her birthday was this past Thursday and I wished her a happy birthday through text. I can't help but miss her. I get frustrated because we're a year into being separated. I appreciate that her interactions with me since around March have been more positive than they have been since she moved out. It just feels like we've taken a massive backslide in the past couple of months. I've been trying to evaluate what I may have changed from what was working before. I think I started to get a little attached again. I'm sure that I'm starting to read too much into things, doing mind reading, and all the worse case scenarios are starting to play out again. It's frustrating that I feel myself backsliding and I've been fighting myself this week to maintain my PMA. I wish I knew that at least a small part of her missed me. It feels like I'm being bombarded on all sides by doubt and frustration, from my nosy sister, who helped give a mighty push to help W toward her leaving, to well-intentioned friends. In high school, I ran track and was a sprinter. I play the piano and my favorite songs are ones where I get to play fast and even when it's a song that is a little slower, I would take a moment to play it as fast as I could. It's been a difficult process to reprogram myself to slow down, especially in this situation. I know that this is a marathon...a very long one, it appears...and trying to put a little giddy-up in my step doesn't help me.

On a positive note, I've lost more weight since the last time she saw me and have been working out more regularly. I've had some time to work on a personal project that I have been meaning to do for 5 years now. I've had the chance to spend some time with friends that I don't normally get to and went to see a movie yesterday.

Anyway, just venting this morning.

[topgunmb]

25yearsmlc, is there somewhere here on the forum where one could find your experience? I've always been impressed with your insights when reading them. I was curious in your signature, you mention your H went ALASKAN. Is that in reference to where you were living at the time or him going ice cold?

[topgunmb]

Feeling very discouraged right now. Kids are back, which I am super excited about. It's feels like it has been so long since I last saw them and I'm glad to have my little buddies back. Unfortunately, seeing my WAW again could have gone better. I made sure I looked as good as I could, threw on some cologne, a smile, and left with what I thought was enough time to get to the airport. Unfortunately, LA traffic had other plans for me and it took almost 2 hours to drive the 30 miles down there. I'm going to hope that most of the response I got was due to a lack of sleep, but it felt like everything was met with some sort of judgment on her part. I did my best to keep a PMA. I guess I had more expectations than I was ready to admit.

She fired a passing shot on her way out the door about how S8 was frequently late to school last year. I smiled and said that I knew and that it would be different this year. Her response was that knowing something and doing something about it were two different things. I again smiled and thanked her for caring about S8 getting to school all the while feeling like the first full visit in over a month was a complete bomb. Can we get something to douse these flames?

I guess the bright side to this is I now have a clear 180 that can be done - get kids to school on time this year.

[topgunmb]

Need some help/advice/maybe a 2x4 to the head.

It feels lately that we have gone back to almost where things were this time last year. After it felt like we were moving toward a friendlier place (I tried to keep any expectations that I had to a minimum and enjoyed it for what it was worth), she is now only talking to me the bare minimum.

This weekend, she came up to take the kids to a birthday party for one of their friends and then they went to the beach afterward. Before, she would have let me know what she was planning to do with the kids, but this time I had to ask so I could plan my day. I had gone to help some friends and at 9:30, I still hadn't heard anything about when they would be back. I sent her a quick text asking if she knew when they might be back and got no response. When I came home an hour later, they were all in bed asleep.

When I woke up this morning, she was gone. S8 said that she had to go to work. I got a text from her saying that there was food in a bag in the fridge. I thanked her and asked if she would be back today. Again, no response.

I don't know if I should say something to her about the lack of communication. Not so much for myself, because I know that I can't expect things there, but about communication in regards to the kids and schedules on the weekend.

I also know that being on hiatus between seasons on the show I'm working on is REALLY not being kind to my mind. I have been looking for work to fill the gap, but it hasn't been forthcoming. I take joy in being a provider for my kids and it's really shaking that.

Ugh.

[topgunmb]

Anyone else have that one friend who seems to think you should be out dating? I have one who has been telling me for awhile now that she thinks I should start dating and has been suggesting some of her friends. This morning, she suggested a dating site that's free. Both she and her H are really good friends, but they have such a different view on relationships so I try not to get too frustrated with them. I just don't know how many times you have to firmly state with people that you're trying to save your marriage. Dating to me is just the opposite of that goal.

[MrBond]

"I just don't know how many times you have to firmly state with people that you're trying to save your marriage"

You don't have to justify to them what you're doing. You just do it. Just nod politely and tell them that while you appreciate their concern for you, you are concentrating on saving your M and would like them to respect that.

[topgunmb]

Thank you, MrBond! That seems to have been what was needed as there hasn't been any further attempts or talks about trying to find someone for me to date from them.

[topgunmb]

Ugh. I don't even know what to do anymore. Things have just gotten progressively worse. W comes up on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and the weekends to see the kids. She no longer has a place that she can take them so they spend most of their time here. Lately, she barely even looks at me when she walks in, only speaks to me when she has to, and spends most of her time talking only to the kids. There are times where it's blatantly obvious that she's avoiding looking at me. Just a few months ago, it seemed like we were starting to be at least friends again. We were finally starting to talk about things other than just the kids, she was asking if I needed things from the store, we were planning birthday parties for the kids together, spending time together after the kids went to bed on the weekend, and she was even letting me rub her feet. Now, it's ice queen city. I don't know what changed other than I have been on hiatus for 3 months now, which means no work for that period of time.

Most of the time, I do my best to not be here when she's here, but the times that I am here, I might as well not be for all she cares. But beyond that, it just feels disrespectful and a little childish on her part. She's coming in to my home and treating me in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable to be here. Despite my best efforts to have a PMA in front of her, I'm dying inside.

Any advice on what to do? Part of me wants to convey to how I feel about her coming into my home and treating me so poorly, but I'm sure that's mostly an emotional response. I don't know if things will improve once I'm back to work or if it's that there's someone new in her life (I have absolutely no proof of this so that's just mind reading), but it's once again ripping my heart out after having that period of time this year where it seemed like there might be some hope.

[topgunmb]

I really need some guidance right about now. I'm not even sure which way to go on this and I'm fighting my emotional response so badly.

Today is S's birthday and W and I really haven't talked about what we were going to do. We finally decided on a pool party for him this weekend. She came up today so she could be here for his birthday and picked the kids up from school. Because nothing had been said to my, I thought they would be coming back right away. Half hour past when school was out hits and they're still not home. So, I text W and ask if they were on their way. 10 min later, I get a response "Not right away." So I ask if she knows how long and tell her that I had been excited to see S all day because it's his birthday. I told her it would have been nice to know that she wasn't planning on bringing them back right after picking them up. Her response back was that she would be bringing them back before too much longer.

So, I know this is totally an emotional response, but I can't help but feel upset by this. Earlier this year, she was starting to communicate with me again and it seemed like we were on the path to at least becoming friends. Then, something changed and I don't know what. For the last two months, though, she hasn't been very forthcoming with her communication. I don't expect her to tell me every little thing, but when it regards the kids, I'd like to know so that I can adjust my schedule accordingly. Two weekends ago, she came up and stayed Friday night. I asked her what she had planned for Saturday and she simply shrugged her shoulders and said she didn't know. Saturday morning, I get woken up by my S telling me they're going to go hiking. So, I figure they're going to be out for the day. Fine, I'll do some GAL and spend some time with friends. About 11:00, she texts me and says "I have to leave early today, just so you know." I didn't respond because my initial reaction to it was she was trying to do what she always does and that's make me jump at her beckon call. At 12:30, I get another text from her saying that she wanted to leave at 1:30. I had already made plans for the day and I wasn't really happy that because she failed to communicate with me what her plans were for the day. Normally, I would have cancelled what I was doing and ran straight home. But, after talking with the friend I was with, told her that I wouldn't be able to be back by that time. I wasn't in my car (which was the truth) and that I was a good distance away (not entirely true, but enough that I wouldn't make it back by then). She asked when I could be back and I told her later and then let her know that I had made plans for the day because she hadn't let me know what she was planning. I told her I would try to be back by 2:30 - 3:00. Later, I met up with another friend that I had been trying to meet up with for weeks. I sent her a text telling her it was going to be closer to 4:30 before I got back. I wasn't trying to be a jerk about it, but she hadn't given me a reason for her needing to leave so early. I figured if it was important, she would have let me know. If was just for a social thing, then too bad. She finally told me that she had volunteered for an event that night and needed to be there by 6:00. Why she couldn't have let me know the day before or that morning when she initially told me she needed to leave, I don't know.

Anyway, this is just an example of what has been going on lately. I feel like I need to do some boundary setting when it comes to communication regarding time with the kids, but I don't know how to approach it without bringing the emotion into it.

[topgunmb]

Got some good news today! We've been waiting on pins and needles if the network was going to renew the show I've been working on for a 3rd season. Woke up this morning to an article in EW saying that we had been renewed. So, huge sigh of relief and hopefully it won't be too much longer before we're back to work!

[topgunmb]

Well, that good news quickly got dowsed with a wet blanket. Ha! Turns out, even though they renewed our show, we most likely won't be back to work on the show until the end of January. We've been off since the beginning of June. I had been holding off finding something else because I was really hoping that we were going to pick up another project in the meantime, but both of those fell through. Looks like it's time to find something else to do in the mean time.

[topgunmb]

Need some help with crafting a message to W. As mentioned before, W has really done an about face with the way she treats me over the past few months. When she comes to visit, she all but ignores me. It's really like being back in high school again because it's so childish the extents that she will go to i.e. not looking at me/not responding to me when she knows I'm asking her a direct question, etc. Lately, the kids have really been picking up on this and asking me after she leaves why she isn't being nice to me.

I feel the time has come to say something about it and wanted to see if this would be a good note to send to her.

"W, I don't want to stir up any problems, but when I say goodbye to you as you're leaving and you ignore me, the kids notice. They have both said something to me about it. They look to both of us for examples of how we should treat other people. I feel it is important that they see that people should be treated with kindness, regardless of how we feel about them."

Or, should I not say anything at all, STFU, and see how things go once I get back to work? In talking to my DB coach, we both agree that feeling secure financially is a big thing for her. Growing up, her dad didn't always have a steady job and often times spent his money on stuff for him. This meant she didn't get to do a lot of stuff that she wanted to do growing up, like gymnastics.

Anyway, I'm having a hard time separating whether this is a moment where I need to stick up for myself or if this is an emotional response of wanting her to at least acknowledge my presence. Help!

[topgunmb]

It's been awhile, but thought I'd stop by again. I wish I could say good things have happened. Some have in other areas of life, but sadly, things with W seem to have reverted so far as to make hope feel like a pinprick of light in the very far distance.

Lately, I've been improving my art skills, and have started writing the outline for a book I've been wanting to write for a long time now. I finally entered a contest that I've always wanted to. I've started a new workout program that's kicking my backside, and finding ways to make the most of the time I have to spend with the kids while working from home.

W continues to be cold and distant. A simple goodbye seems to much. Now, she wants to take the kids camping on Thanksgiving for a couple of days because she has the time off and "doesn't get to see them that often." I have to laugh because she has every opportunity she would like to see them, she just chooses not to. She's already planning on going to her family's for Christmas this year and then we'll do gifts from Santa when she gets back. It breaks my heart that the kids will be without both parents for Christmas this year again. I know this happens to lots of families, but Christmas is such a special time of year to me and I wish that the kids didn't have to go through this.

Ok, that's my vent for now. W texted all of this to me tonight and I finally just had to tell her that I needed time to process. I felt myself close to a stupid emotional response and thought it best to take some time until I could come up with a good response.

[Mozza]

Thanks for the update, topgunmb. I caught up with your sitch, which is interesting because my W also left me after getting a new job surrounded by young, free people about 5 years younger than her. I thought it couldn't last, but seeing that your W has been living this lifestyle for more than a year, you're making me doubt...

I don't know all that you do, but it seems like you're pursuing her. To help you understand, imagine that a coworker you don't like is pursuing you. How do you feel about the slightest hint she's giving you that she's interested? Probably repulsed. Not attracted. Your radar will be on because you think she really wants you and so you interpret everything she says as pursuing. That's what's happening with your W. She's not pleased or seduced or attracted by your pursuing. Every slightest pursuit, like initiating contact when she's unpleasant to you, will set you back. Even if you can't detach in reality, try to fake it in your interactions with her.

[topgunmb]

Thanks, Mozza! I guess I didn't see what I was doing as pursuing (obviously...lol) because it wasn't something big or grand in a sense. But you're right, even little tiny things can be seen as such. I was doing a pretty good job of not doing those things when I was at the studio 10 hours a day. I was busy with work so I didn't really have time to think about contacting her and always kept that contact to the point. Then, when we went on hiatus, I suddenly found myself with a lot of extra time. Even now when I'm working from home, my mind drifts that way and it's harder because I see her during the week now when she comes to see the kids. Before, I would only see her on Thursdays when she would pick up D5 from preschool and then Saturdays before I left for work and then when I would get back. Need to find my way back to that mindset and assess even the little things that can be perceived as pursuit.

[topgunmb]

About your W, I would say everyone and every sitch is different. Every story has to have a villain and apparently, I'm that part in my W's story right now, no matter how unjustified I feel it is.

I think for you, it depends on her emotional maturity and character. At some point, you hope that there will be something that will cause her to take a look at what's going on and hopefully reassess the direction she's headed in. Hopefully it will be sooner rather than later, but as they say, hope for the best and plan for the worst.

[topgunmb]

Here I am again, thought I stop by for my 6 month check in...ok, maybe 5 month. Sadly, nothing has changed regarding W. This May will make 2 years since BD, July will make 2 years since she moved out. To be honest, I'm starting to lose hope. I'm lonely and it feels like I'll feel that way forever. I just had a reminder of that this past Wednesday.

W texted me Tuesday night after her usual Tuesday visit to see the kids. Said she wanted to meet me during my lunch at work to talk about some things. I have to admit, I went into panic mode. Since she has left, she has never asked me to join her for lunch to talk about things. I wish I could say that I had immediate positive thoughts, but instead, went to the dark side. Not much has happened since my last post to make me think it could be anything good. She graduated from her culinary school, took the kids the morning of, and I found out through them as I was picking them up that they had attended her graduation. Christmas time, she flew back to see her family while I took the kids to my parents. Got her a Christmas gift in which she told me that she couldn't accept it.

So, you can imagine, I was expecting the worse when she asked if she could talk to me about some things. It turned out that the talk wasn't that bad. Mostly it was about the kids and that she wanted to see them more. That's great because they do miss her and her Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday visits in the evening aren't really enough. Her plan, however, was that we should all move to a location that was closer to each other. On top of that, she wants me to help her pay for a 2 bedroom apartment because she's not making enough money to afford a place where she can have the kids come stay. Right now, she's renting a room at a house that's over an hour away.

I was a little caught off guard, but rather than react emotionally, I just nodded and said that I would have to see if my budget could support something like that. Her moving out really caused a lot of problems financially for me. Maybe I'm wrong in thinking this, but I don't really feel obligated to help her financially, even if we are still legally married. She left and since then, only really plays nice with me when she's in trouble and honestly, I'm feeling a little like I'm being used.

Above all that, it just feels like if I were to help her pay for a separate place, I'd be telling her that what she has done and what she is doing to our family is OK. Am I harsh in feeling that if she really wants to be a part of the kids' lives so badly that she shouldn't move closer to us, rather than asking us to uproot to be closer to her and still be living in different households? I mean, if she had said let's get a place together, but just not where you are living now, sure. But to have two completely separate places to live and be close just so it's convenient for her seems unfair to me. Plus, I know that even if I were to do this for her, it wouldn't make a difference in how she feels about me.

At the end of it, it just made me sad. Sad that nothing much has really changed in the way that she feels toward me. The only good thing is that she now wants to see her children more, but at the same time, it has to be on her terms. She can't be inconvenienced by it otherwise she won't be there. I've taken this time to work on myself. I've become more positive than what I was almost 2 years ago, I got a promotion and pay increase, I 3D modeled something that I've been wanting to for years and that model ended up being used for a book cover. I'm not quite where I would like to be physically, but I am working toward it. There are still plenty of things to work on and I've focused less and less on her as time has gone forward. But, all that said, it makes me sad to know not much has changed with her.

Anyway, sorry for the long rant. I needed to get that out as it has been stewing inside since Wednesday. I'd love for anyone's thoughts, questions, or general advice.

[topgunmb]

Looks like it must be a full moon or something today because the crazy train just left the station.

Got a text from W today. She had tried on Sunday to find an apartment because she was still thinking I was going to help her even though I made it very clear that I wouldn't financially be able to do it. Of course, she was looking in one of the more expensive areas here, but had enough sense to realize that it would be too expensive. She then suggested us moving by where she is because the housing is more affordable. My response that I wouldn't move out there because it was too far to drive to work. That ended that and she said she didn't know what to do. My response was that she could always come live with us. Silence. Haha!

So, today, I get a text telling me that her rent is due on Monday and that she wants to give her 30 day notice. She has a plan that will solve the current situation with housing. Her grand plan? She will move in here with the kids and then I will move out to some 1 bedroom apartment nearby. Of course, I'll still be taking the kids to school because she has to go to work early and they can come stay with me a couple of nights. As soon as I read all this, I laughed out loud. She said "You know that we can't live together at this point." I wondered what she meant by that, but I decided not to let it rent space in my head. I waited a few hours to reply and avoided the knee-jerk emotional response by simply saying "I appreicate that you have given this so much thought. Unfortunately, I don't think this is a conversation that should be had over text."

So, it looks like at some point this weekend that there's going to have to be a discussion about housing because I don't feel it's fair, even just a little, for her to suddenly come in after almost 2 years and suggest this. And, if I'm being perfectly honest, I'm really starting to wonder if there isn't some sort of chemical imbalance going on.