After re-reading what I had initially posted last year, I realize that there was still a lot of pain and anger in what I was saying. So, I'm going to try again now that I feel that I am in a better place emotionally.
My W and I have been married 11 1/2 years and have now been separated a year. There has been a lot happen that lead up to the separation and I know it's best to keep things short in these posts. The long and short of it is that things became very rocky in our relationship after a move out to CA taking us from a comfort zone to a very different life. She started making friends with people at school that were 10 years younger than her and living a very different lifestyle than her. Unfortunately for myself and the kids, we couldn't compete with these people. She told me May of 2013 that she didn't love me anymore and that our marriage was over. When I asked her if she was going to file for divorce, her response was "No one said anything about divorce," which I have to say, was very odd. She moved out in July 2013.
Since then, I have taken that time to try to compose myself. It was hard at first and then finding DR really helped. I started focusing on myself and being the best dad I could be to 2 children that were very confused. I'm working on losing weight and buffing up, changing out my wardrobe when finances permit, and just trying to be in an overall good mood. I try to be as confident as I can without seeming like a jerk when decisions need to be made. I know, though, that I could do a better job of detaching.
For her, I don't know details about what's going on and I don't ask anymore. I allow her to tell me when she's ready. She has A LOT of pride and forgiveness has always been something that she has struggled with. It's been a tough year for her. Her car was impounded (31 parking tickets...yes, 31) and she was evicted from the apartment she was living in with one of her guy classmates (whom she insists was just a friend and nothing more, he is going through a divorce). I had to help with the car because my name is on it (she can't qualify for the loan on her own). She went to live with an older, female classmate and things suddenly seemed to improve between us. It wasn't much, but suddenly she was inviting me to do stuff with her and the kids on the weekend and she was starting to communicate with me more. Unfortunately, it appears the pendulum has shifted again in the other direction.
Now, I find myself standing at the beginning of a barren wasteland where my children are visiting family for what may be the rest of the month. She is back here, but I have zero expectations that I will see her during this time. And that's tough to know. She would come up on the weekends to spend time with the kids and after they went to bed, we would watch something together and she would let me rub her feet.
Anyway, this is starting to get long. I'm hoping I can call upon your guidance and suggestions on how to tackle this best because sometimes, I just feel lost and hopeless.
M:35 W:31 S: 9 D: 5 M: 11.5 yrs BD: 5/13 W moved out: 7/13
It's been since February. I've been reading things here on the forum during that time. In the last month, I signed up for DB coaching too, which one of the suggestions was to become more active here. In my life, I have found that it is easier for me to offer help to others than to accept help for myself. It doesn't make sense why it is that way for me. I'd like to consider myself a somewhat intelligent person most days, but when it comes to this situation our little family finds itself in, I feel like a caveman picking up a stick for the first time.
M:35 W:31 S: 9 D: 5 M: 11.5 yrs BD: 5/13 W moved out: 7/13
Hi Topgun, I am sorry to see that you are back. One thing jumped out to me in your post. You said that she is going to school with people 10 years younger and that you and the kids "couldn't compete with these people".
Are you saying that there are other men that occupying your W's time now? Because if you are, remember there are always going to be men around your W. It is how your W responds to these other men that shows who she is.
Don't forget you can compete with anyone else in your W's life. You will always have something that other men do not. You are married to her, and you have a family together. This is the biggest advantage you have over everyone else. Take care of yourself, detach and good luck.
Thank you for that, Wet! I suppose I never thought about it that way. There's a mixed group of people that she hangs out with at school. Most of them are women who are either single/boyfriend/live with boyfriend. I saw someone here in the forums refer to their W's posse and that would best describe them. Recently, it seems like she has one really good girl friend, which I think has been good for her. Living with a woman who had 2 daughters that are college age was also a good thing for her two, getting her out of the apartment she was sharing with the guy from school.
Where I guess I get focused on not being able to compete is she started to go out to the clubs and parties with these people. She started drinking. I know to some this may not be a big deal, but up to that point in her life, she had never done that and it was never a part of our M. Suddenly that was so much more exciting than being home or doing things with our family.
I know that one of her complaints is that we did a lot of sitting around and watching TV. She wanted to be out more and doing things and eventually got tired of being the one to always suggest things. At the time, it didn't occur to me that I should be paying more attention to this. I grew up in a family that that is what we did in the evenings. When we started dating, we were outside a lot, taking walks, playing basketball (a divinely inspired sport... ), etc. Once we had our first child, it became more difficult and we fell into the deadly trap of routine. Those habits of my family's life started to creep back that I didn't even realize it was happening until now that I look back.
So, trying to change that and the perception that that is our family. Bought SoCal season passes to Disneyland, the kids and I hit the local park whenever we can, we're at the pool almost everyday, and we venture down to the beach every so often. When they get back from visiting family in Minnesota, I'm planning some camping trips too.
M:35 W:31 S: 9 D: 5 M: 11.5 yrs BD: 5/13 W moved out: 7/13
I am sorry to hear about the situation, it sounds very similar to my situation. My wife has a younger group of work friends, who are all either single or going through a divorce. They tend to go out all the time, and during these phases she is much more withdrawn from me. But when we spend more time together, she tells me she doesnt really like these people, and doesnt want to continue going out and drinking til the bars close, but it still continues. I get so confused about it all and just hope that one day she will come around and realize that if she just tried to have fun with me, we could be wonderful together.
I wish you the best and encourage you to stay strong in keeping yourself active and busy and moving toward becoming who you want to be.
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
Just a little journaling. Not expecting to hear from W until the kids get back, I was surprised to get a text from her yesterday. It was just a short conversation about getting the kids some prepaid phones so they could text us while they are visiting family. Spent the day working on some personal projects and then the evening with some friends. The toughest time of the day is right before bed when I look in the mirror and realize how quiet the house is without the kids here and thoughts turn to her. I wish she was still here, but know that only she can make the choice to come back.
Went to church today and the lesson taught was definitely meant for me to hear. I have often had people ask me how I am making it through as they, in a similar situation, would have completely lost it. I guess I can only say that it has been my faith that has pulled me through the toughest times. I know that I had started to lose that prior to things going south in our relationship. I wish it didn't have to be this situation that needed to remind me that my faith is what has helped me be the person that I was when we first married. Hind sight is always 20/20, I suppose. Best to take those lessons and use them going forward, working on being the type of spouse only a fool would leave.
M:35 W:31 S: 9 D: 5 M: 11.5 yrs BD: 5/13 W moved out: 7/13
Caveman brained question here, but I was wondering what things might be considered "baby steps?" Some are a little more obvious, like she's been nicer to me and texts me more, but mostly it's just about the kids. She has let me rub her feet while watching TV together on the weekends. She stays with us on the weekends now. These are big improvements since before the beginning of the year, she couldn't even stand to be in the same room with me for more than 5 min.
Are there other things that others have experienced that I can watch for? Not that I want to spend my time obsessing over them, but I also don't want to miss seeing one should it happen.
M:35 W:31 S: 9 D: 5 M: 11.5 yrs BD: 5/13 W moved out: 7/13
She has let me rub her feet while watching TV together on the weekends. She stays with us on the weekends now. These are big improvements since before the beginning of the year, she couldn't even stand to be in the same room with me for more than 5 min.
Are there other things that others have experienced that I can watch for? Not that I want to spend my time obsessing over them, but I also don't want to miss seeing one should it happen.
Glad to read your posts and see the db progress you are making. You've mentioned the foot rubbing a couple times here which I would kill to do for my WAW. Are there any hugs or other times of affection that are building? I am newer at this DB game then you but as long as this foot rubbing is bringing both of you closer together...and not being some kind of mind game she does to screw up your detaching (the more you touch her, the more she would be on your mind of course) than IMHO keep up these baby steps.
The wisdom of the vets will add much more than I can say but good on you...be the man only a fool would leave.
Me 42 W:35 M: 14yrs T:15yrs D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs BD: "I want a D"09/03/14 Sep: 30/06/14
Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
Unfortunately, no, the foot rubbing is about the extent of it. I did massage her hands one time as an extension of the foot rub. But that was only a one time thing. It's usually late at night when it happens and she goes to bed afterward.
At this point, I'm just happy that she lets me even do that.
M:35 W:31 S: 9 D: 5 M: 11.5 yrs BD: 5/13 W moved out: 7/13
), etc. Once we had our first child, it became more difficult and we fell into the deadly trap of routine. Those habits of my family's life started to creep back that I didn't even realize it was happening until now that I look back. 