How am I doing this ?

[sandi2]

How much have you read up on the subject of WAW? Have you read anything about the WAW in an A?

Detachment totally works to make you feel alot less pain , I will agree with that but as far as pulling away draws her to you , Im not seeing it

I have seen where you question several things in DBing. What was working for you before you started trying to apply DB?

You aren't detached. You are trying to pretend you are.....b/c you hope it will draw her in. And it's that expectation that keeps you hyper-focused on her. As long as you are watching to see how she reacts to what you do.....you aren't detached.

She is just as distant if not more so since I started detaching and i know my wife . She probably thinks i dont care anymore and have given up

What if she does? What could she do worse that she isn't already doing? Leave you? stop allowing that fear to control you.

So this tells her that she can do whatever she wants now , just like being single

News flash........she's already doing whatever she wants as if she were single! What does that have to do with her thinking you've given up? Do you think by being this passive, clingy, needy, attached pup, that it's going to control what she does?

Which leads me to ultimatums .

.

That's almost laughable. You say she hasn't moved out like she said she'd do........b/c she doesn't have to. And you want to blame it on your detachment? WRONG! Try another excuse. But forget ultimatums. B/c she would know it was only a bluff. You would not enforce consequences, and that would only prove to weaken you in her eyes.

I had a little control , now I have no control

You didn't have control! You are deceiving yourself. You cannot control her. She is the one in control here.

Have you read Divorce Remedy? Maybe you need to go over the part about infidelity again.

[Eatsma]

Sandi is spot on.

You are not in control over your W. You are only in control over you.

Read Divorce Remedy. Read what it says about infidelity. I don't know if your wife is also exhibiting symptoms of Mid-Life crisis, but that's also important information.

In my case, my H definitely wanted to have his affair partner and me, especially at the beginning. He bravely declared that he didn't care who knew about it, he was certain that he'd found the way that most people should live. It was complete crazy talk. He knew I was against the affair, and I established some pretty weak boundaries, but boundaries nonetheless (no texting her in front of me, no late evenings after work when he should be home with his family).

The fantasy is unraveling bit by bit. It takes time and patience and it's utterly awful. Detachment helps a LOT. He also is recognizing, slowly, what he stands to lose. He has actually told me that the grass is NOT greener on the other side. (I don't bring up the relationship anymore - just listen when he talks.)

[dawgy]

Ok Pete > i will try . I know Im not perfect but she was weak and gave into temptation . I cant fix her weak morals . But yes I must have done something

[CS000]

Dawgy, You got to look at your part in the demise of your M and what you have to work on regardless of whether your W comes back to the M. You're just focusing on her still and blaming her. Just my 2 cents

[dawgy]

Thanks guys for some input and i will agree i havent detach in th DB way totally ,but when you still live in the same hous w with children that we are trying to keep oblivious to whats going one , its not easy to totally detach . I feel different about my sitch daily so its hard to make decisions that are the best . I agree with you all but i think Sandi is being a little rough on me . Maybe i need the roughing but really i think that my sitch is a little different because we are not separated .I think Ive done well going from spying , begging and pleading and trying to reason to doing none of that > i can say honestly I have noer clue what the status of her affair is or what she does every day . All I can say is that she has shut me out as her husband and she seems to be turning us into roomates . I hate it > I want my wife back but everyday she carries this on the less and less I feel I care . Also I met another woman who wants to talk > She is very attractive and that scares me . I dont want to see her because I m afraid it will detach me big time from my wife and possibly make me throw in the towel . Im feeling feelings that I ve never felt towards my wife (anger resentment , how could she hurt me like shes been doing ? )This other woman may make me feel so good I may decide to move on . Please help me . I dont want to lose my family

[Heart14]

Dawgy, I'm not S from my spouse either. It is hard and I struggle with detaching daily too. I truly believe that in order to get things in a better place, you have to focus on what you've contributed to the marriage. We all do things that creat some problems in our M because we are human. Mine was not showing enough support and appreciation. It doesn't excise the PA my H started, but I can see why someone else became attractive to him.

I would urge you not to start something with OP. Two wrongs don't make a right. Plus you'll only take the same issues you have today into another R. Focus on YOU not anyone else.

[Eatsma]

Dawgy -

I am not separated from my H. We still live in the same house and still sleep in the same bed.

Until very recently, my children were totally in the dark. My 15 year old then discovered a book in my bedside table about infidelity. She talked to me about it.

Honestly - when I read your posts, I know exactly where you are. I was there. I spied. I cried and begged. I reasoned. It didn't matter.

Detachment is the ONLY thing that has made me feel sort of normal again, but like you, I want my husband back. Here's what I've learned: I'm not going to get him back. He and I have BOTH changed as a result of this. It will ultimately be up to the two of us to make the new marriage between the two new people work. Right now we're both in a state of flux, so it's impossible to say. As others have written here - my crystal ball is broken, so I can't see the future.

Here's what I do know: the current situation is awful and not what I had planned when I said yes to my H 18 years ago. Divorce and separation is also awful. Divorce will not make the pain go away. Divorce will be incredibly hard on our children. And I did promise in sickness and in health. In my situation, I truly believe that my H is in Mid-life crisis...this is sickness. I watch this man, sleepless, bewildered, frightened sometimes, try to explain why a crazy situation makes sense. It doesn't make sense. Only a crazy person would think it could. So, for now I'm standing by, and hoping that the storm will pass and he and I will be able to rebuild at some point.

(By the way - my detachment probably started about a month ago...that was the last time I brought up the OW in any way. So, it took me 7 months to get to a point where I truly went dark talking about the affair. But - the detachment has been interesting. It has changed things, very subtly, between us. I do see him shifting back towards me a bit.)

Adding another woman to the mix probably feels like it would be a good salve, but I can't imagine that ultimately it would help. I would wait to do that until you are either actually separated or divorced. Otherwise you've given your wife several gallons of gasoline to pour on a fire.

I know you probably don't think you did anything to deserve this. I feel that way, too. I have ASKED my husband why he was so unhappy and, confusingly he has told me that he was happier a year ago than he is now. He has expressly told me that he doesn't want me to change: that he loves me. That is completely wackadoo and doesn't help me much....In his brain he truly thought that we were best friends and I would understand his relationship with OW. Crazy. That said - I'm not a perfect person. No one is. So - I'm doing what I can to improve myself. Working on myself as an athlete, working on my professional career, working on my skills as a parent (REALLY tough when I feel my own emotional tank is dry)...I will also need to work on myself as a friend, and I know that I need to do a better job showing my appreciation and gratitude as a spouse, but that requires more than I've got right now. I'm going to have to fake it 'til I make it for that....

Anyway - good luck. Detachment takes time, and you've got that right now. Breathe deep and hang in there!

[dawgy]

Thanks for the message MLP . Its nice to have a womans perspective who is the LBS and its nice to have sandis perspective as the WAW also

[dawgy]

Wow MLP , thank you soooo much for that post . We have soooo much in common with our sitches . My wife and I too are still in the same bed . She too has told me she loves me the way that I am . And yes it seems so , as you put it " wackadoo " She expected that i could understand that she wants this affair and I should be a good enough spouse to support her .If never seen such bizarre mood swings and mindless acting out like everything is just peachy . Then the array of emotions that set in at times . Its a roller coaster hun. My wife has been having this affair for seven and a half months .( ive known for about 4 ) It kills me a little bit everyday . But i agree with you whole heartedly that If we do pull it together it will be a new me and a new her in a new relationship with each other , Hats off to you , you are a very strong woman THx again . I look forward to hearing from you some more

[PeterV2]

Dawgy, news flash. Sandi is not being hard on you. She's giving you a well deserved 2x4. Listen to her. She helped turn my sitch around.

Remember this is a marathon. It may take months to see results. Make a plan. Follow your plan. Detach and GAL. Change yourself. Improve yourself. Don't focus on her at all.

Back off. Way off. We all fall down from time to time. It happens. When in crisis consult your plan, not your emotions.