How am I doing this ?

[zew]

I'm having trouble not knowing what's going on because i've detached

You may have stopped snooping, but you certainly haven't detached. Detaching is not being reactive to everything she does, and you are still clearly hitched to her wagon. Focus more on what you are doing and can do to better your frame of mind. Focus on fixing what you know was wrong with your M (only those things that you can work on independently, of course)

Well I know coffee means to be with OM so I casually said " off to see him eh?"

Stop doing this. You can't casually say that. You accused her. It may be true that she's off to see him, but you can't change that, and being snarky or judgmental about it will not help your case.

[dawgy]

You right zew . Thx Im still struggling with some control issues that werent there until i found out she was cheating . She came and went when ever and where ever before the A . It wasnt until i found out about the A that I started being controlling , for obvious reasons , That was before DBing came along . And Im trying with everything in me to stay the course even though i dont see much progress

[PeterV2]

Dawgy, maybe she has coffee with girlfriends in whom she confides. Whatever. Doesn't matter. Don't believe anything she says.
I sometimes go for days without anyone responding to my thread. It's just goes like that sometimes.
You need to figure out what went wrong in your marriage. What needs of hers did you not fulfill? What behaviours and patterns of interacting lead to this sitch. Try to figure out what your role in all of this was. Then put together a plan for your own growth and self-improvement. Seems like you have the detachment thing under control. Now you need to change.

I did a lot of soul searching and made some drastic changes in my life. She did notice the changes, but still is not convinced they are permanent - she's afraid I'll just slip back into my old ways. That just takes time. I've been at it 6 months and she's still not trusting the permanence of my changes, but I think she's starting to feel a little more comfortable with them. I'm still in the process of making changes. Every month I see something else that needs changing in my behaviour or my patterns of interacting. It's a lot of work, but I am becoming a better person. I'm becoming a H only a fool would leave. It takes Patience, Perseverance, Persistence and Ponderance.

Dawgy, don't worry about your W. Work on yourself. She will notice and it will cause her very conflicted feelings. She will go through all sorts of ups & downs. She will spew forth vitriol that will make you upset. Don't let it get to you. Put on your spew jacket and smile. Says things like 'that must be difficult for you", or "I see how you can feel like that". Don't take her bait if she pushes your buttons. That took me a long time to master.

[dawgy]

How do I know what to change or what i did to contribute to this sitch . Ive asked her and she said I did nothing . But i dont want to keep prying when Im suppose to be detaching . She said she just wasnt feelin it anymore . She loved me but wasnt in love with me . I said its pretty hard to be feeling it for me or still be in love with me when theres someone else in the Picture . She is in total fog .There seems to be little i can do except detach and try to stay attractive to her . I work hard Im giving her space . She new this guy in junior high and he tells her he loves her with all his heart and soul . I tell her that and Im being pushy ?? after devouting 25 years to us . Sometimes I just wanna say pack your [censored] and hit the road woman .Other times i just want to hug her and hold her and tell her i understand

[zew]

How do I know what to change or what I did to contribute to this sitch?

Seriously? You have no idea? She must have said something. Dig, man, dig. As much as the LBS initially wants to be a victim of all this and blame the wayward spouse, it is usually the case that they had a big hand in the demise of the M.

Time to be honest with yourself, dawgy.

[PeterV2]

2x4 time. You are responsible 50% for the demise of the M. I agree wholeheartedly with Zew. This is going to require soul searching, remembering what she said for the past few years, hints that she dropped, a study of your style of interaction with her over the past 25 years, and more. It's a lot of work but you now have the time to devote to that. It's not easy work, but it need to get done. I know it's often tempting to say screw it and throw in the towel, but if you still have hope then hold on to that and put your head down and get your work done.

[dawgy]

Im honestly trying to think what i did and correct it but certainly if shes seeing another manthen he would be to blame for alot .

[zew]

Nope, usually doesn't work like that.

She went to OM because of something you were doing, or something you didn't do.

Remember, she started off believing in your M. Then at some point she gave up went to OM as a last resort.

Dawgy, you are a big part of this. Don't try to pin it all on your W or on OM. Given that the only influence you have is on you and your actions, you have to figure out what you have to fix with you.

[dawgy]

Im not saying that Im perfect by any means . However i will say that many good marriages have people stray and geet into an affair just out of circumstanses and not because the BS drove the WS to it . What Im saying is shes telling me I did nothing wrong and she doesnt love me anymore . How can I change that ? Yes i can try and figure out what things I may have done to have her not desire me even though she said there wasnt any . But I believe that she met up with OM by chance , they supposed dated back in junior high but I dont believe it . They talked casually and said lets have coffee sometime and presto it happened > Those were her words . She thought that it would be just a fling but it turned into more > Now I know that if she was completely satisfied with me she never would have met him for coffee and it just would have it was nice to see you .

[PeterV2]

The OM obviously met an emotional need that you were not fulfilling. What need was that? Figure that out.