First post, confused

[asat82]

So she is going to fly out to visit him again. This is very disrespectful. From a friend, she is also looking for a job out there. I guess I need to tell myself that she is just done for right now and try to forget it. I have to move on, but I still do not want a divorce. I don't know what to do. I have been waiting to move back in in october, but knowing all this makes me crazy. This is not the woman I knew. I think her family supports her in this too which is crazy. I know they love me and think Im a great guy, how could they support these things. Maybe they don't know... idk. I don't know if OM knows she is married..

This whole thing just [censored], how do her emotions change so rapidly. I guess I just never really took a hard stand for myself, I just hope it isn't too late to take charge. This is not the woman I want, but I do want the woman that I know is in there somewhere. Ugg.

She is flying out again early next week. She is working today and tomorrow, when should I bring up that I know about affair and I won't be a part of this?

[asat82]

I keep seeing posts in other threads advising the LBS to "not leave the marital bed", well I made this mistake because I was scared about where my wife would go. I know better than to do that now. I am moving back in October, but am wondering if I should go back even sooner.

[sandi2]

What do you see as being the LRT? You read threads on this board for about half a year before you finally decided to tell your story. What did you learn by reading here all those months? What does MWD advise a man do if his W refuses to stop having an A?

She has hopped from man to man. You keep saying you feel disrespected. But what have you actually done about being disrespected?

Your wife is about as wayward as she can get. This is worse than being in an A with one man. She is going from man to the next. You are living in an open marriage!

What I am seeing is a H who is co-dependent and who lets his W tell him what's what......and he does whatever she says. Why on earth would a man agree to let his W date other men just b/c it's what she wants? What does this say about you as a man, as a H, a leader?

Yes, she is disrespecting you as much as a woman can show it. That's why she isn't attracted to you any longer, b/c she lost respect for you as a man. She keeps doing these horrible things and you roll over and hopes she will take you back. No woman is attracted to a man who will allow her to treat him like that!

My advice, is don't move in with her. It may be popular advice around here, but doesn't mean it always apply in every stitch. In your case, I think it would cause you to appear as accepting the open M. That's the last thing you should do!

You have no kids, so go dark and cut off all contact. Don't take her calls. Don't respond to texts and emails. Don't go to the house and pet sit with the animals. Get them, if you want them, but don't use them as your excuse to go over there. Cut off any financial support. Protect yourself financially, first.

You cannot persuade a woman who is living like this to take you back. She is wild. She is being influenced by the wrong friends. (And of course they would hook her up with a M man!). There are no morals. She has lost them.

You need to stop talking to her friends and family. As far as she and her friends & family are concerned, they need to think you've dropped off the face of the earth.

You really......REALLY need to move forward with your life and become the man you need to be. I think she's headed for a downward spiral at some point. Maybe turn to you if she's in trouble or having a hard time. In the meantime, she'll try to see why you aren't having anything to do with her, so be prepared to stand firm. She may start to find respect if she sees you being strong enough to refuse her crumbs. So no bargaining, persuading, R talks, pleading, etc. You should have set boundaries a long time ago. Have you even thought about it?

I'm sure you may see this as being terribly negative and discouraging from me. I honestly am not trying to tear you down any more than you already are. I am simply cutting to the chase instead of giving a bunch of warm fuzzies and patting you on the head. You need to hear the plain truth about wayward wives, and now so much time has passed that a lot of damage has been done. FWIW, I was a wayward wife. I lost respect and attraction for my H. So I'm trying to tell you what someone should have told him.

[asat82]

So, I just took a stand and told wife that I knew about her and the OM, I pretty much stuck to the script given to another DBer by Starsky

"I know all about you and ______, and it needs to stop, immediately. It's incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage and to our friendship.""I do not want a divorce, but this needs to be clear -- I am not willing to live in an open marriage. End your affair and come back and work on the marriage with me, and you will find that I am ready and willing to work on all issues, including continuing to work on my own issues.”

She started to flounder and got upset and said that she already said she wanted a divorce (which she has only ever said while she was in an affair[she has at times loved me and changed and said she wanted to work on things, I just have never gotten her to change the mindset of looking for another man before and finally I stand up and state that in a hard boundary kinda way]) and that this meant she was not in an affair. I told her that I would be willing to talk about the relationship or divorce if and when she decided to end the affair or decided to start being honest with me.

So now to continue my GAL and focusing on myself more than ever. For far too long I showed her unconditional support, but that was just hurting me when she would go out and get into affairs with OM. I have now decided to stick up for myself. I wish I had a little more help on my thread, but hopefully that will come in time.

I try to leave positive feedback in other threads, but not much traffic here yet. Any thoughts or ideas.

[sandi2]

Our posts just crossed each other.

[asat82]

I really appreciate your feedback sandi, and I totally agree. I started reading the threads back then, but I was really just browsing and didn't get too deep into them until more recently, because I thought things were getting better, I didn't know that I was just getting played. I read just a little bit back then. Now with what I have been looking at recently I realize everything I have done has been wrong.

I have been very close to no contact over the past 3 weeks, minus my request for mail, and a couple of responses to her texts. I decided that I needed to break this to finally let her know that I was not okay with any of this, and now I am not ok with the affair that is going on or that mindset.

At first she told me it was good that she was seeing others, because there was no one good out there. Then all of that changed, and I was a pushover and just hoping to not upset her for too long. With all of this time to myself recently and reading these boards, I have grown a lot and gone back to my old strong self, and finally took a stand.

I really appreciate your feedback and will be dark and keep my strong stand against the affair. Thank you for the wake up call and for your support.

[asat82]

So W just came by my house... she called twice which I didnt answer, but then texted me that she was at the gate and needed to talk. I let her come in, I stood firm with everything and told her the same things I said over the phone. I told her I didnt want to talk about anything unless she was honest, and no R talk unless she ends the affair. She got somewhat honest with me about the guy and then asked how I knew. I never told her. I said this was all very disrespectful and I never wanted any of this seeing other people. We definitely never agreed to relationships. I stayed strong and didnt stray too far from the same points I told her over the phone. She went through different emotions and finally told me that she would break things off with other man this week. She also said that this doesn't mean that we are ok and back together. She says she still is planning on divorce, but she understands that I feel very disrespected and is going to end things.

She requested a hug at the end and I told her I could not do that at this time while there is another man in the picture. I used the other man in the picture line a few times. She kept pushing the hug and I never caved. I gave her one quick pat on the arm as she was walking out. She said she would contact me next week after she ends things with the other guy. Win or not, Ill take it as a small victory even if she still wants a divorce. I know she has some respect for me at least.

Now to work on myself and stay dark in the meantime.

[sandi2]

That was a much better job. I hope you will consider what your boundaries are. If she ever wants to know what it would take to get the R back. Right now, she still wants a D, but when she sees you being strong and she can't play you for a fool......I think she will start respecting you a little more each time.

A woman has to feel that respect for her H before she can be attracted to him. It goes hand in hand.

Who knows where things may be by October. But just don't get any hurry, there are a lot of issues to work through.

[asat82]

Thank you. I do feel good about getting those things out and clearing the air a bit with her, this detaching and finally saying how I feel about the OM and beginning to set my boundaries have made me feel a bit better at work today as well. I also feel better each time that I read back through.

I am really looking forward to going to the beach in a couple weeks with my mom and my sister +family. Then Im out of the country for a month, so this is great time to work on myself with myself. Im in this for the long haul, and realize my previous methods have been wrong and it's time to follow what has worked for others. Slow and steady wins the race here. Thanks for the support all.

[sandi2]

A self-confident mature man is very attractive to women. In spite of the mindset of a WAW, her female nature responds to the leadership of a male authority figure (if he knows how to lead with it and not abuse it).

In our society, women fought so hard to be equal with men, that the competition went from the workplace and flowed over into marriages. I believe in the "partnership" in M. But I also believe the man should be the ultimate leader in the family. When he doesn't, then she will, and then the trouble follows. B/c the man will get slack in other things.

So anyway, enjoy your folks. You need to be around those who love you and show support for you. Being away from the hot spots can be refreshing.