First post, confused

[asat82]

I have been reading these posts since January and am finally deciding to begin posting about my problem. I have just finished reading DB and DR and am trying to work on myself, but this is very hard. This may sound like rambling, but I will attempt to put everything as coherently as I can.

Some background on my situation. I love my wife very much and want more than anything to make things work and am willing to do anything possible to save my marriage. Around 2.5 years ago we were in a situation where I was very stressed out with my job, and my wife was very stressed with school, and I feel this was the start of our issues. My wife was trying at this point to get through to me that we were having issues, but I was unable to listen at that time and was consumed by job and financial stress. My wife was also going through stress, and had recently had weight loss surgery so was getting more comfortable with her body and enjoying attention. We bought a house in 2012 and her sister lived with us at the time, and she drew very close to her and I began to feel like I was on the outside, but my other stresses were consuming me so much that i still did not realize it.

My wife decided to move out for the first time in April of 2013, and this was when I first realized that there was an issue. She moved back in within a couple of weeks due to bedbugs in her new place, and said that maybe this was a sign, but at this time she had built a wall up against me and my attempts to reconnect emotionally seemed futile. I tried everything I could think of to win her back, but I just let everything she did affect me too much. She would often go out and stay out until the bars closed, and speak with guys, and then call me to come pick her up, which made me upset to see her so drunk and out alone at the end of the night. It made me terrified. Everything became much more serious when a female coworker of hers moved in in September of that year. I was looking for a place at the time, but was hanging on, and not wanting to hurt her feelings, I could not decide that I wanted to keep the house.

She decided that we should see other people, which really bothered me. I told her that, but decided that if she felt this would help our relationship that it would be ok. We decided dates would be ok but we would not be looking for relationships. I was still trying to do so many things to fix our relationship, mostly the wrong things. I would buy gifts and try to entice her with dinner and doing as many things around the house as I could. She still confided in other people instead of talking to me, which is what I wanted. In November, we had a wonderful fun evening with friends and she gave me a real kiss for the first time in a long time and said she wanted to work on things. After a few days and conversing with her friends and sister, she decided that she didnt want to try to fix things. In December she went to a coupe of parties and met a guy, through a friend who was trying to hook them up... The friend was not amutual friend of ours, and I can not believe someone would try to hook up a married person with someone. It turns out that she stayed at this guys place the first night they met, and a few other times until the PA happened within a couple of weeks. I was devastated by her not coming home and felt what was happening. We didnt talk hardly at all over the holidays, but she told me about everything in January. I also moved out of the house just before Christmas, which I should not have done, but was being forced out, because I was afraid for her to move out, I didnt know where she would go.

In January I found this site, and began to read and read and reaad, while we were separated. I attempted small changes, and began to get a bit of results, but couldn't follow through with everything. Things would get good, then bad, then better, then bad again. But there was still an emotional wall that I could not seem to get through. I ordered the books in March or April and began reading and working. On a couple of occasions since then she has said that she was sorry about everything, and knows we should work on things, but she still has a wall up if I try to be romantic. I feel like things go great when we spend more time together, but after talks with either her sister or her work friends, she withdraws from me again.

We had agreed to do a retrouvaille in mid June, but it fell through due to work schedules and financial things, after which I told her that I would pay for everything, and I really would love it if we could do this. After that, I really hit the books and read both of them within a couple of weeks. I decided to do a 180 and take care of myself and tell everyone at the house that I was moving back in in 90 days. My wife was mad at first, but then said she was glad that I did that, and then told me she missed me and was waiting on me to do that, and asked if I would schedule a counseling session. I get free counseling through work, so I scheduled this. Over the past few months I have off and on spent the night with her at the house 2-3 nights a week at her request, but things go up and down. Up until the day of the counseling I felt like we ere going to try to piece things together through counseling, but when we got there, she had hardened again. I do not know where this came from, but she is still agreeing to continue the counseling, but every attempt I make at trying to be a good and loving husband is shot down. I am so confused on what to do, and when she is feeling worse about things and I try to be a good husband, she says that we arent doing that stuff right now as we are separated.

I have been GAL since February and feel a lot better about many aspects of life, and my job is not as stressful, and she is proud of all this, but she still says that she wishes I would have done this earlier, and she doesn't like being in limbo, and we aren't even together right now. Sometimes when I suggest we just try to work on things, she is very receptive, and other times she completely shuts it down.

This is my life, trying to fix myself and heading that way, but when things are positive between us, I always am happy to get pulled back in, just to be hurt again in a week or so. I feel like I have been doing this for a long time, and never want to give up, but I really just want us to try to do things together, because I know that we are happy and things look brighter when we are, but when she spends more and more time with other people without me, she withdraws from me, until she misses me, then invites me back..

I am attempting my DB and DR techniques, but it's hard to not try my hardest when she opens up to me. I realize this is long and rambling, but I am so lost and confused on what to do, I just wanted to go through everything on the forums while my emotions are flowing.

More to come in the future

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[asat82]

I reached out to my half-brother today, because he went through a similar situation and it makes me feel a little better. She changed to a new cell phone plan today and asked me to go with her. I told her I was busy, but could go later. So we went, then she said sorry yiu came here for such a short time. I told her I was going to grab some food somewhere nearby, and she asked where, so I asked if she wanted to join, and she said no she had plans with roomates.

[sandi2]

How are you doing? I think you ll get more response if you will post often.

[asat82]

So I am still confused about things, but have started with no contact. I have not initiated contact since Monday, so we haven't talked at all since Wednesday. On Monday I was telling her that I wanted to change my car insurance to the correct location, and I was going to swap plans also (something we had talked about for a while). She asked if I could wait until after this next monday (14th) due to a test she has, because she also wanted to, but she commented on me trying to separate things, saying I was doing this as a step toward divorce. I told her we could still have same plan. This I think is what prompted her to want to get a new cell phone plan as individual. (and possibly a new OM that I believe she met on the July 4 weekend) At first she was going to swap to another provider because her family was on another service. When I showed up to help her, she decided to stay with our provider, just go to individual. She needed to go a couple of places, so I rode around with her (probably shouldn't have). She called me Tuesday to say that she wanted to change her plan a bit, she felt she got cheated when she changed it (she chose to get rid of unlimited data, but now wants it). I told her Im sure she could change it, if she needed a hand, let me know. She called me the next day at work, and she texted me that she got unlimited back. The call was all positive and I wished her good luck studying for her test this coming Monday (14th).

I read my DR book again Monday-Tuesday and decided it was time to try the LRT, so I have not heard from her at all since Wednesday, I sure would like to, but I have felt this has not really helped the M when I do pursue. I wish she would contact me again about anything. I don't know if what I am doing is working, but Im trying to stay strong and GAL. I have been exercising and eating right, and I hung out with my half-brother all day yesterday at a festival. So at least I am out and doing things, I have times that I feel better, and times that I feel worse. I just hope this is not hurting our sitch.

[asat82]

Wish my posts showed up quicker, Ill try to respond more in other threads I have been reading to get off moderation. Just having a hard day today, Im about to get up and go exercise after a few thread checks.

[asat82]

I keep making responses, but nothing is showing up . I guess I will just do short ones, and fill in gaps when they start showing up. Been dark since Monday, but this [censored], haven't heard from her since Wednesday. I hope things work out. Im taking care of my health, diet and exercise wise

[asat82]

So.. she texted me Monday, saying she passed her test, and asked how I was doing, and said she would call me later. I texted her back about an hour later (I was exercising at the time) and said "Congratulations!! Sounds good"

She called me late at around 11:30 and I was already in bed, but spoke for just a sec, told her congratulations, asked if she knew about her new job yet (she didnt't have details yet), then told her I was half-asleep in bed already, had an early start to work tomorrow. She told me ok, and she was thinking about me. I said thanks, and said our goodnights. Convo was only 3 minutes, felt like I held together well, but I was pretty groggy sounding from being asleep I'm sure.

Still missing her much, but not pursuing and trying to do things and take care of myself. I hope she will work through what she can during this time. I realize I should have actually separated much earlier to give us both this space, it was just so hard not to reach out and try to get her back. From what she has told me at various times, she isnt happy in what she does in her life now, so idk what to think. I guess I need to just continue to focus on myself, but my mind can't help but wander.

[Cadet]

OK so maybe now you are off moderation - congrats!

[Ss06]

Sounds like things are turning around a bit. I'd take her texting you to tell you about her test is a good sign. Take the win!