Hurt and Confused 2

[oad]

25yrs...the reason I am sick of this is because I keep getting different advices, I do suspect there is someone else or she is searching for someone else. She at first wanted to keep the house cause she loves it, now she wants out because she cant afford it and because she wants to leave because of the memories here, she says I can keep everything or she will throw it all away, she is erasing our entire marriage,, she seems like she feels guilty and wants to divorce me as quickly as possible (her words) but that she just wants us to be friends...in other words from what people have told me shi is cake eating...ive been there emotionally for her but I have been told to not always be available. She is a completely different women now, she has become this materialistic status chick. She never was like that, buying sexy g strings(which she used to tell me she hates wearing) loosing weight, dressing like a diva and going to the gym a lot. Completley ignoring that we had a relationship for the last 15 years...the only time she seems interested in me is when I completely ignore her. When im there for her she treats me like a second class citizen. For example our air broke so I came by to fix it, she was at her brothers house, I called to tell her it will be a couple of hours more and when she hung up she threw the phone down and said "shut the f up already and fix the air" it really bothered her brother so he told me about it.

[oad]

sooo W wants to move in with her parents because she cant afford the house, wants to get her stuff and either I take the rest or she will throw it all away, seems like she wants to erase the last 15 years. She wants to rent the house out because its too big for her and she is scared at night...her mom bends over backwards to help her.

On a good note I have my entrance exam on Friday for FPL, full time career job. hope I land it!!!

[25yearsmlc]

good luck on the job!!

What do YOU want vis a vis the house? What's best for the kids, given the situation?

(When I say "given the situation", I mean to avoid carping about the WAS's actions. We KNOW you don't like what is going on but there's no point in rehashing that, right? Not that you were, but I'm just heading it off at the pass. You'd be surprised how many people begin with "I WANT my spouse to change back!" and there's no point in going there. We get it).

What matters is what you CAN do, & what you WANT to do, given the situation.


So, what is that?

[oad]

25 years what I can do is keep taking care of myself and being a better person and father. I know what my fault was in this marriage, and now if I get this job I can move out of my dads to my own place where the girls will have there own room and give them the stability that they need to continue to grow. I have no control over my wife, she is the one that will either see the stability that she so desired (which we had for 10 years)in me and soften her heart or she wont. time will tell, whenever I have the girls I don't call her for favors, I have the girls. But when she has the girls she is always asking me or her mom to help out with the girls. I almost feel like she sees me as a nanny.

[25yearsmlc]

sooo W wants to move in with her parents because she cant afford the house, wants to get her stuff and either I take the rest or she will throw it all away, seems like she wants to erase the last 15 years.

Instead of reading into WHY she is doing this^^, be glad she's not taking it all for herself. That may seem like small comfort, but it really is a common thing we see around here. And you have to stop seeing every act in as negative a light as possible. This^^ is a good example of you seeing an action many would see as at least slightly positive, and you turning it into something worse.

I know you are hurt deeply. But you can make things worse, and that's what ^^this does. So, just a gentle reminder to try not to worsen things.

She wants to rent the house out because its too big for her and she is scared at night...her mom bends over backwards to help her.

Not sure if you resent her mother helping her, and or if you are mocking her fears, but this ^^ commentary confuses me. I don't get why you're mad about it.

I guess you're just upset that she wants to leave the house, but if she cannot afford it, then this makes financial sense, right?

On a good note I have my entrance exam on Friday for FPL, full time career job. hope I land it!!!

I hope the exams went well and that you find work that is fulfilling. That will help you in many ways. The better we feel about ourselves, the better DBing we do and the better DBing we do, the better we feel about ourselves and then,

the better partners we become. Yes it's all connected.

Good luck.

[oad]

25yrs...you are right, I do tend to see the negative only. She is not fighting over costudy of the kids, she wants to split everything all good things. I am hurt just like she must be and I have to remember to focus on me and how I can be a better person. Yes this job would be huge if I get it...or shall I say when I get it

[25yearsmlc]

25 years what I can do is keep taking care of myself and being a better person and father. I know what my fault was in this marriage, and now if I get this job I can move out of my dads to my own place where the girls will have there own room and give them the stability that they need to continue to grow. I have no control over my wife, she is the one that will either see the stability that she so desired (which we had for 10 years)in me and soften her heart or she wont. time will tell, whenever I have the girls I don't call her for favors, I have the girls. But when she has the girls she is always asking me or her mom to help out with the girls. I almost feel like she sees me as a nanny.

Wow, Negativity again, and so soon?

I'd be glad she involves you (see? I don't see it your way at all). Sure, she asks her mom for help and she asks YOU for help which btw, is a great sign.

yes it is. It means she's not too proud to ask for help AND it means she's not afraid to ask YOU for help and it may mean she notices that being without you around

is harder.....so yeah, these are mostly all positive.

You want to fight about them? Tell her she can't call you anymore.

She probably won't. So, is that really what you want? Think it all out.


In fact, When you complain, even just to yourself, ask yourself what things would be like if the implications of your complaints came true.

Meaning, when you think to yourself "Hey she thinks I'm a nanny" -

go ahead and finish the thought----- "so I won't allow that. I'll NEVER help her with the kids again". I mean, that is the implication of your complaint, right?

So now what?

She probably won't ever call you for help again, right? Okay, then what?

She'd resent you, or at least not think much good about it. Okay then what?

The girls MIGHT suffer, or they might not. Okay then what?

Your wife might find someone else to ask for help and okay, then what?

So think out what you are whining about when you get negative - so you can slap some sense into your head, and be GLAD she's calling YOU.

Make sense?

[oad]

yes it makes sense...boy 25 im glad you are around with that 2x4 that I constantly need, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get to work on me and DBing. I do help her out, I complain about it here, but that's still complaining and by complaining I stay stuck in this limbo. I see your point 25...thank you

[25yearsmlc]

Sandi2 yes that's what im doing, taking my balls back..lol like my friend says . You are right about the facebook thing, I shouldn't let it get to me. So far sandi2 you have been dead on, throughout my sitch everytime ive been indeferent she pulls in and would always get me to come back, then guess what...she closes up again and im left hurt. I need to protect myself at this point and hold on to my guns...if and when she is ready to work on the R, she will tell me, until then...bombs over Baghdad.

I have no problem with what Sandi has said. I DO have a problem with how you interpret it often.

Oad, you swing back and forth into being an angry punitive "indifferent" 'jerk' at times.

That's the only issue I've frequently had with her (sand's) advice.

It's not the advice, but the frequency with which it is misconstrued that bothers me. This tends to happen especially to men, b/c maybe you see things more 'black and white' than we do.

The choices are NOT "Friend = weak/doormat" VERSUS "strong/confident/cold jerk".

Look at how she words it and make sure you are not 1) misconstruing sand's words or ignoring her caveats' ,

and 2) that you are not misconstruing your wife's words/actions, b/c you tend to view them with way too much suspicion, even when they are positive,

and then

3) you react negatively, or you get mad at her, until a bunch of us tell you that you are out of line.

Back off, give her time to see the changes you SAY you are making

(and which I pray/hope are really being made...)


You know, if WE here are not sure about your changes, how sure can your w be?

what are those changes? Can you name 2 specific behavioral 180s?

And your GAL? How is that going?

[25yearsmlc]

25yrs...you are right, I do tend to see the negative only. She is not fighting over costudy of the kids, she wants to split everything all good things. I am hurt just like she must be and I have to remember to focus on me and how I can be a better person. Yes this job would be huge if I get it...or shall I say when I get it

I know you are hurt. But complaining about her wanting to be fair is a little...wacky.

Just admit you are hurt that she wants out. That's understandable but be honest about why you are upset. Otherwise you sound a little nutty (no offense, okay?)

Can't complain about her wanting to split things evenly, or for her to pay CS, or that she wants to share the kids evenly, or that she wants to talk to you.

Also, fwiw, (sandi chime in here if you like) my DB coach gave me some advice about when my h and I were sep.

H would call me and tell me about his days. NO OW were in the picture that either of us knew of or whatever.

So there was not any wildly inappropriate discussion topic.
But he DID complain to me about his life at times, even though these were choices HE made on his own and which I opposed. It sounded a lot like whining to me and as if I was his bff for him to cry on my shoulder...

(I never once threw in his face the fact that I had predicted these bad events, and opposed his choices. Yes It crossed my mind briefly a time or two. I was so hurt! But I'm not always a fool. I knew STFU was the most loving thing to do.)

Anyhow, my DB coach told me at those times (when h was opening up & I was tempted to just end the conversation and show him what it's like to NOT have me)
But she said
to "LISTEN LIKE A LOVER"

and that was not easy. But i did it and it soothed him a bit. I noticed a marked difference in how he spoke to me the next time he called. A tiny bit more relaxed though still guarded. (I'm sure he expected me to bite his head off b/c I had before).

So I listened to him a lot more actively. Also, she said to "applaud loudly for the 1% positives h does"

and I did that too. Also VERY hard.

That was harder b/c of all the things I WANTED from him, which he was not doing. I felt as if he was getting a free pass.

But I did as she said and eventually he began doing more of those things I was applauding.

So in short, what my DB coach said, worked. it helped. THAT'S what matters, not us being "right".


Did my h "deserve" it? Probably not. There's surely an argument that he didn't.

But was that the goal? Meting out justice as I saw fit??? Or was improving our relationship the goal?

I decided it was the latter, and that's the road I took. I believe that 100% of what my DB coach suggested, worked.

I'm serious. I know we can't expect that, and I know that everyone will NOT have that same experience.

But she sure guessed my h's behavior better than I did. She was a Godsend.

She never once suggested exposure, shaming, guilting, or confronting h.

Just active listening, vigorous applause for the positives, and pretty much consistently loving him, while keeping my self respect. It rarely conflicted.

Food for thought.