Hurt and Confused 2

[oad]

Not sure how to link to my old thread but here is a copy and paste:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2465361&page=1

Update:

Last night I had the game plan set up..and screwed it up..lol
she texted me when she landed that she was waiting on her luggage and was coming home. I didn't answer it and 10 minutes later she called wondering if I got the text. She never has done that.

So when she came home she looked excited to see me, so I couldn't leave, I guess I fell for her test. We hung out in the back and talked, she seems oddly friendly, gave me a big hug when she came in. So nothing about divorce or relationship was mentioned just casual we talked for about and hour and I got up and said its getting late and I have to go..she then mentioned what "WE" are doing for the 4th....its been a very long time that she mentions us doing something as a family...ill take it as another small step forward. Im just scared she is trying to friend zone my ass. I guess I shouldn't read into it. Today she has called and texted me numerous times about house stuff...I can see that being indifferent is kind of paying off a bit...but I guess im concerned about her intentions of being so friendly...any thought?

[Thornton]

Who knows what the hell goes through these WAS's minds. Tomorrow, she might be livid for some reason.

My best advice is to stay detached and try not to read too much into her behaviour. If she is softening up, it will become evident with more time.

[pilot]

Take it for what it is and accept the positive steps forward. Do not be too afraid of the friend zone. At this point you are not even in friend zone, so friend zone is a step forward. Plus friend zone could be a stepping stone back to M. Just keep the positive momentum and see where it ends up.

[sandi2]

Hey, saw your message to come by. You referred to a question you had. Is it regarding the friends only thing?

Here's where I stand on being friends with a WAW. First of all, if another man is in the picture don't even think about reducing yourself to being just her friend! As I told you before, anyone can be her friend, but only one man gets to be her H. And if she's discussing a D......but already saying she wants to keep you around as a friend, I have to ask why. You are not good enough to be her H, so why would hang around being a friend? Buy her a dog and save your dignity!

If I remember, it was your W who said that being friends was how it all began for the two of you? But then ended it with some kind of flippant response. Something like, "never can tell" or "just have to see" or something similar. That's not good enough, or shouldn't be enough for you. She says she doesn't want to be your W any longer and already throwing around the friend card! Why would you want a friend like that? You don't, and that's why the WAW and LBH look at it with different viewpoints. Which, I'll get to in a moment.

In situations where there is no other man, but she is a WAW and the two of you are living under separate roofs, I still do not recommend the friends only arrangement. If and only if and when she agrees to work toward reconciling the MR should you enter into a special friendship relationship with her. This period is comparable to premarriage dating. You are getting to know each other again and establishing some new ground rules during this time. It is also during this time the couple should attend a highly recommended MC to lean how to enter into piecing and avoid pitfalls that could derail them again.

I know that MWD used a letter to illustrate a possible upside of the LBH being a BFF to his WAW, but I have NEVER seen it happen on the boards or in life. So FWIW, this is only my POV. I see many WAW's (especially those in affairs) assume the LBH will be thrilled at the chance to keep them as a "friend" with the understanding, of course, that nothing more will ever come from it. The problem here is she is reducing his importance and his role in her life. She demoted him! She doesn't want him as a lover. She doesn't want to live with him. But she'll use him as a friends only? And I say "use" for a reason. It becomes a trap for the H. He thinks he'll be her friend and her feelings for him will ignite and things will eventually lead to back to a MR. But she doesn't think like this. She calls him when she needs someone to listen to her problems. She expects him to run errands and fix the plumbing or electricity, help move her heavy furniture, or whatever she asks of him. In other words, he is her personal handy man or gay guy. If he ever hesitates or declines anything she wants, she wails, gets miffed, and claims she thought he was her friend!! All she does is take advantage of his feelings for her. Some women even want to discuss OM with her friend only H.

So that is why I call it the friends traps. Nearly every WAW will say they want to be friends, but will hold it over his head if he ever objects to anything!! He wants more from the R and she abuses the conditions of the so-called friendship. So he is trapped. If he doesn't comply to her ground rules then she complaines he's not acting like a friend (while she continues to go on her merry way with no interest in resuming a M with him).

He fears she will see him being a jerk by refusing to be friends. (If only he knew she hardly ever has the mindset he thinks she will.). Yes, she will be utterly shocked that you would refuse the privilege of being her BFF. She will want to punish you for that little insult. Doesn't seem to dawn on her how you should be the one highly insulted to have your W consider you among one of her many friends, after she jilted you as her H.

[Maybell]

Sandi, thanks, I needed to hear that today.

[bashy]

Heh Sandi. Just read this post and it looks like it was addressed to me lol. If you can, have a look at my recent posts on 'Have I any hope...' if you have the time.

I feel in recent weeks my WAW has been using me as the person you describe above... someone to take all her stuff to when 'stuck' on a problem. Only contacts when she needs something.

It has angered me but I have not shown her this. I have went dark properly but have a feeling she has OM (although no proof even though she said she has met a guy for a few dates).

ANyway, any help would be great. I appreciate it.

[bashy]

Oh, and apologies oad for hijacking your post!!!

[Old Dog]

Sandi, what's a BFF?

And if you could take a look at my thread (Old Dog seeks New Trick), I'd appreciate it.

[GoatGal]

Sandi, this "Friend Zone" assessment was helpful to me too.

Thanks!

---GG

[sandi2]

Case in point, look at what Pilot said. (And not picking on him, but showing how men see the option of being her friend.)

Take it for what it is and accept the positive steps forward. Do not be too afraid of the friend zone. At this point you are not even in friend zone, so friend zone is a step forward. Plus friend zone could be a stepping stone back to M. Just keep the positive momentum and see where it ends up.

What men need to realize is the high importance of having your W to respect you as a man and as her husband! I mean, if she doesn't want you for her H in her intimate and private life.......how do see being demoted to just a friend as a step forward? Do not mistakenly believe that being her "friend" is better than not being in the friend zone at all. She does not see it with the mind you see it. You have ulterior motives to get the MR back, to restore her feelings, etc. That's the furthest thing from her mind and intentions.

Think about it. You were her leader, protector and partner.....and she no longer found it attractive enough to stay in a R with you. But now you are so greatful to accept what crumbs she offers as a friend? You think she will see you more attractive then? Why and how could she when she so obviously thought you failed as a H?I granted you she lost respect was why she lost the attraction. So, you might as well be her gay guy friend?

You have it in the back of your mind that it will be a stepping stone back to the M. The trap, as I explained in previous post, becomes terribly painful and frustrating as you see her contented with the friend zone and you feel very "used". What is really happening is emotional blackmail.

Guys, she won't respect you even like she respects her other real friends. Know why? B/c you SETTLED to be a freakin friend instead of holding out for the position of H! In the back of her mind, she respects you more for not settling for her crumbs. If she didn't respect you in the most important position of her life, do you really think she will respect you in a lesser role? And if you could not change her mind to be your W while you were in the higher position, what makes you think you can change her mind to be your W when you are in a demoted position? It is a point of respect and attraction. If she doesn't have it for you in M, I doubt seriously she'll have it for you in the friends zone.

Again, I'm not picking on what Pilot said, and I know you all are newcomers and learning. I'm not trying to fight about it......but do admit to being strongly opinionated over the subject. I just want you to see how a WAW thinks so differently from you.