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daring #2485278 09/05/14 01:34 AM
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Hey, daring,

I'm here, been checking up on you.

It does sound like your H is still cooking in his little E-Z-Bake oven.

Sometimes those contraptions don't cook evenly--he's probably still gooey in the center even though he's getting a bit burnt on the edges!

What you said about your interactions triggering unresolved issues is so true.
I know that when GUBU goes off on me, it's all about HIM and how he is interpreting what I said--not about what I really said, because since DBing, I am watching everything that comes out of my mouth there is really not much for him to react to.

So he reacts negatively to me being:

Distant
Friendly

Having too much fun/enjoying life without him
Seeming down/sick/tired

Needing his help
Not needing his help

Looking sleepless and ragged/skinny
Looking hot and dressed up

Talking too much
Not talking enough

Not reaching out to him
Reaching out to him

Responding warmly to his communication
Not responding warmly...


It's like, damned if you do, damned if you don't.

He wants to dislike me and I'm making it really hard for him.

I like myself more now that I ever did!

My patience with my own oven is wearing thin, but you know, they're from the '60s so they're not exactly energy-efficient!

You hang in there because you ARE the prize!


---GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



daring #2485280 09/05/14 01:41 AM
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Daring, I'm following you, even if I don't post....not the most qualified to offer advice, especially when it comes to pursuit and distance dancing.... I'm in the thick of the same stuff you are.

I agree, though, that distance is best. I'm still learning myself, but for what I know, nothing we do now is real connection until they come through the full tunnel. I've not read one post on this board that recommended someone pursue and get closer to their WAS before the very end, and even then, they say to keep a distance.

I feel you, though. I am grieving and missing my old H. When I see glimpses, especially tears, I fall apart. But he is still running. He is still confused. My guess is yours is, too. The best thing is to get out of his way as much as possible, and allow him to figure this out on his own.

Shining #2485299 09/05/14 02:25 AM
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Oops... seems that darn patience shovel almost slipped out of your hands there for a moment, daring! Better order the kevlar reinforced, DB approved MLC gloves with Kung Fu grip.

I want you to go to the chalk board and write 500 times "I Can't Fix Him, gosh diddley darn it"

I'm glad you've decided to give H more space and time. It truly is the right thing to do. One day he may even thank you for this gift.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Shining #2485303 09/05/14 02:28 AM
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Thanks GGG and Shining- I think I was just feeling a little lonely.

GGG your list cracked me up- I think I might make one of my own to see all the contradictory things that pi$$ H off depending on the day!

Shining I agree about us trying reconnection, it seemed like he was the one doing that b/c he was really sharing with me and talking about wanting to come home but not quite being ready and then-BAM!- something related to his unresolved issues occurs and he ran back to the comfort of the tunnel.

I'm emotionally exhausted- which means I need to take time for me and let his gooey center bake! ( my irritation with him right now wants to refer to it as a wu$$y center but when I step back I know he's in pain so I'll let it go).

Thanks again for posting- I needed a little love smile


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
daring #2485304 09/05/14 02:36 AM
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FY we were posting at the same time!
That patience shovel tried to run away and leave me thinking there was progress! Had I been in my right mind I would have known that BBQ, plus H, plus people with whom I like but are in parts of the story I don't like, plus alcohol, plus sun......
Geez I think I fell and hit my head on the shovel!!

Well lesson learned- and apparently one I needed to put me back on the "time and space track".

I will definitely order those gloves FY, they can double as workout gloves for swinging the 25lb kettle bells when I'm irritated like I did yesterday.
Today I did boot camp and swung them some more!!

I think I might be a little all over the place also b/c I'm coming up on a year since the big BD- Sept 14. I'm thinking a spa day with maybe a hot male masseuse is in order. But no hanky panky- I'm still married and standing smile

Thanks FY- you always make me smile!!


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
daring #2485707 09/06/14 02:42 PM
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Today's focus is D12 who as of today is D13. Aack I have a teenage daughter!!
Having her friends over and doing a trip to the mall and dinner. H will be there too but that's fine- these kinds of things should be like that.

As for the last couple of days I've done well- H was here when I got home yesterday but I was very nonchalant and he still seemed distant but not as bad as before. He decided to go back to his house early ( around 7) as the kids and I were all doing our own thing. That worked for me- I'm enjoying the much needed space and actually want it.

Hoping this means my detachment journey is progressing......


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
daring #2485796 09/06/14 11:20 PM
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Here I fix it for you

I cannot fix him gosh diddly darn it.

There job done, I have the same issues, who would have thunk it a kids who can sit and wait while the chook lays and egg cannot wait to see what happens!

I know those dismantling things, I'm doing said same, but he's dragging his feet. Which is odd seeing as he with his soul mate and done crispier than dryer up chips.

He did say at the mediation session he made a decision and by just ignoring me I would somehow know. Sigh.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Ggrass #2485900 09/07/14 04:02 PM
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Thanks Ggrass- clearly I need some help in rembering I can't fix it and can't take any comfortable interactions as a sign that we are progressing.

D13s birthday was good overall. H and I had distant and weird interactions, partially because I was feeling distant.

This was my journaling yesterday:

I am so angry today! Ever since his reaction the other day to my getting emotional and my realization of the fact that I have worked my arse off and put so much into all of this and he can't even begin to have compassion for me, I have been irritable.
I hate it b/c I'm irritable with the kids and pushing them away, irritable with H and feeling very inadequate and down on myself.
Today him coming over and launching into finances really caught me off guard too. Sent my mood worse. He asked earlier if I was ok and I said no- told him the impromptu finances stressed me. He apologized saying the apartment issue ( he's been denied b/c of some old bill none of us recognize) and this leftover bill made him think his dad was using credit again and he got stressed too. ( finances are one of his issues, H's dad gambled and often there was no money for food or utilities. His dad also used his kids credit and even our sons to gain loans etc)

Also him bringing up melting pot as an option for for D13 birthday dinner like we did last year really got to me too. B/c next day was BD. And the days before it when D13 and I were in Colorado were hurtful the way he was ignoring me.
Maybe I focused so much on myself in the beginning if this and what I did wrong or needed to work on that I haven't processed all the crap he did.....
Was thinking at mall today all the clues through the years about him needing to work through things- the " disappearing" money early on that was supposedly for a dress that never materialized, hiding going to a movie from me and lying about it, the one night affair with our friend, the porn, the off and on money irresponsibility, the emotional affair and abandonment, and here we are......
What should I do next to help heal? And how do I say I need him to not be around as much when I do want this M to eventually work but right now I need way more space than I even did last week. And is it b/c I took too many steps back with the BBQ on Labor Day or is this a natural part of the process and I just got overwhelmed by the amount of processing that's occurring???

I'm not in a good place emotionally this weekend. I think I might be having a depressive episode. Time to regroup, exercise a lot, eat well, read, connect with kids and reclaim my seal esteem.
I can do that in a week, right??? B/c 1yr BD is a week from today and I do not want to be an emotional mess!


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
daring #2485979 09/07/14 11:22 PM
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Yeah, I know where your at this weekend was a depressive episode for me.

Tears etc. don't think I've ever cried this much in my whole life. It's a tough shirt to wear.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Ggrass #2486008 09/08/14 02:03 AM
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Ggrass I hope it passes quickly for you- strangely I felt like I cycled from depression to acceptance all in one day today. Of course we will see how I feel about all of this tomorrow smile

So the big D came up again today. I had a feeling H was leaning that way lately. For once it did not cause my heart to jump in my throat and feel like I was panicking- yay me!
So strangely I feel almost relieved- not because I want our M to dissolve, but more because it seems this may be his only way back and I can really see that.
He started the conversation by talking about trying to get this new apartment and setting up a schedule for the kids. Then moved into saying that Monday ( our BBQ when I was drinking and got emotional) affected him in much greater ways than he's ever realized. He also said to me that it was his issue and I did nothing wrong. I told him I understand, I had the same issues surrounding sex and didn't realize how extensive until I started working on them. Then he said finances is also a big issue and he knows that too.
He doesn't want to drag me through two years of heartache and pain and us end up hating each other. He said he would rather remarry me and do it right after he works through his chit. He knows I'm willing to work through it all with him but thinks he won't do it right then- he needs to rely on himself and regain his own identity. He feels that he has to reset and rebuild the foundation of himself and us. He said he knows I will need to treat him differently at first but hopes we can work through that. I said maybe I'm impeding your progress. He said you're still my best friend, and my feelings don't change- I just don't want to be angry at you for my own stuff.
Then he made a joke and I said are you trying to change the subject- he started to break down with clear pain in his face and said " I'm trying to be here the best I can".
I reached out and touched his leg to offer comfort- and then before he left he hugged me and said we are going to have the weirdest divorce ever.
Then said he was going to go to his house and throw up. He's actually more upset about the conversation than I am.
Am I finally progressing to detachment???

So here are my thoughts- maybe he will be like reaching higher's H and decide he can't go through with D at the 11th hour. Or maybe he will go through with it. Either way he really seems to recognize some of the key issues and the depth to which he needs to address them. And even if we D, I think we can maintain a healthy friendship and maybe that's how we find our way back to each other. And if not- I will be ok. And I will have remained true to my authentic self.

Hope I still feel peaceful in the morning but I imagine this is going to be a roller coaster still.


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
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