Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 9 10
daring #2473111 07/28/14 02:11 AM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
Hi daring. It's ok to look back, and even to feel sad. Just don't get stuck there.

Originally Posted By: daring

In any case, I have a little bit better understanding of the timing and I think the triggers for H's MLC.


Do tell. What was the trigger, and how long has it been now?

Last edited by ForeverYoung; 07/28/14 02:12 AM.

M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
D
daring Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
Soooo-
In Aug 2009 I started my practice. In Nov 2009 H ended up closing the company he started ( first one ever, open 2yrs) due to differences between he and his business partner. He joined a company for a month but wasn't happy. Then took 6 months off trying to figure out what he really wanted to do next.
June 2010 he joined a friends company that he respected, but by early 2011 that was acquired by the company he briefly worked for and left in 2009. So he started his own thing again, which went well initially, but by 2013 was running out if funds and acquired by the company he's at now which he hates- and rightfully so they are awful. I actually think the second company might have stayed afloat if he wasn't in such deep MLC and unable to focus.

So the trigger is his career issues that I know he saw as failure (2009)at a time when my practice took off and I was working unbelievable hours from (2010- 2012. Then got more partners and it got better)

Late 2009-2010 I think was denial as he was still reaching out to me and others. 2011 was definitely moving into anger and major personality shifts. I kept saying he was someone I didn't know and I thought it was because of health issues ( diabetes and sleep apnea that he wasn't addressing at the time). A little bit of replay was present in 2011 as well ( Harley in April- after we had agreed it was not good timing- he bought it without asking). Early to mid 2012 was when deep replay happened and the EA took shape as he hired our neighbor to be his assistant. The first bomb was in late 2012- I'm not sure this is going to work, then the I'm going to see a lawyer for a D and we can't work was Sept 2013. I'd say it was at least a year if not two into replay.

So there's my timeline- 2009-2010 is the start.
I know it means nothing as to how much longer he has but it is very interesting to look retrospectively at where I've been and am now.
I would say 2011 and 2012 were the worst years of our marriage- I cried a lot more than I have since BD. Makes me think I processed a lot of the awful stuff even before I really knew what was happening. And I think God had a big hand in how that all went. I was not the wife I could or should have been and had lost myself in the challenges of starting a practice and the negativity of our marriage. I needed to work on me quite a bit and had things played out differently I might not have had the time or the insight to do the work I've done. For that I am thankful.

So as I said in previous post, I see rare replay behavior and more reaching out. Tonight H called at 930 pm to say he was on the way to the grocery store and did I need anything??? I think that was his excuse to check in with the lighthouse smile


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
daring #2473481 07/29/14 02:58 AM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
Career dissatisfaction can be a huge trigger for anyone... and even worse for a man when his W's career seems more satisfying/impressive/lucrative than his own. We want to Be The Man!

The good news is work is the rubber ball, that can bounce back. Let him know you are there and believe in him as you allow him to figure his own way through this.

Similar to my sitch, your kitty kitten MLC'er maintains connection and doesn't blame you for his plight. Remain strong and build on this. I believe they'll figure it out eventually.

Have you read 5LL? What is H's primary love language? What happens when you speak it?


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
D
daring Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
His LL is physical touch- that's one of the reasons I decided to let intimacy resume between us. It's a tough subject as he substituted sex for love ( his words) rather than including it as a part if love for a long time and acted out in ways that pushed me away. As he began to figure it all out he slipped into MLC and I didn't realize it at the time, so I pulled away emotionally. The cycle of negativity became pretty awful. He did blame me for awhile- interestingly he read 5LL first and told me I wasn't meeting his needs (partially true, and partially not as he was looking to me to fill all of his voids and be responsible for his happiness- when I said I couldn't do that but would work on my issues, it wasn't enough at the time.)
Since BD that cycle has been broken as I discovered DB, de personalized his behavior and forgave and worked hard on my issues. He definitely opens up more when I speak his language, but he is also often guarded.

So weird goings on right now- I'm trying to not let the unknown make me anxious and just let him be. Younger kids are still at beach and so yesterday there wasn't a reason to contact or see each other. I texted him to see if a mtg I have Wed night would interfere with anything he had and he sent me back some joking texts which led to some funny banter back and forth. I was seeing his old sense if humor and thought he was doing ok.
Then last night he texted and said he talked to kids at beach and hope all is well with me.
I texted back a few things and asked if he was doing ok. He said no, but he would be fine. I asked if anything new had happened and he said dunno was just rough day. I told him I was there if he needed an ear or to hang out. He said that meant a lot to him and that I was very patient and caring.
Today I texted to just check on him. He said he was " still here"
and was forcing himself to go out and do things. Then said he just needs to go through all of this he guesses. I offered for him to come to dinner tonight when kids get back. Haven't heard anything yet.
So I don't know exactly what he's going through- and it's so hard because I want to help and know so I don't drum up negative scenarios ( not that I can control any of it, I know that). I just hope he's not moving towards a finality decision on our relationship. Clearly I need to keep working on my detachment.....


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
daring #2473941 07/30/14 02:45 AM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
D
daring Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
Please pardon the temporary interruption of paranoia and insanity, I'm good now.
He texted to say that it was just everything going on and he's trying to work on so many things and none of them are going the way he wants. Then said he's also having moments of overwhelming depression, but he's getting through it.

He's starting to understand that the process and the answers have to occur within him I think. That's good.

Tonight we went to dinner to celebrate neighbor's daughters birthday and the kids arranged themselves so that H ended up sitting next to neighbor ( the EA one). His interactions with her have been different, I don't see the same " connection" that I used to. He even seemed a little uncomfortable and kept getting up to walk around table and talk to kids. I didn't have the "third wheel" feeling I used to get either. Might be my progress but I also think he's much more cognizant.
After dinner he applogized for how the seating arrangements ended up. I've also noticed he makes sure he tells me exactly what's going on in any conversations he has with her and why the conversation needed to occur.

So I have a question for those that have reconciled- how do you deal with the former EA if that person can't possibly be kept out of your lives?
Our kids are best friends and we often do activities together. And quite frankly I actually really like her and think that while she was turning to my H a little too much for help with work and her marriage issues, my H was more enamored with her than vice versa.
Just curious to hear how people are doing who still have the former EA around....


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
daring #2474728 08/01/14 02:34 AM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
D
daring Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
Today was quite a whirlwind.
Had IC last night which stirred up a lot of things with me and I was feeling a bit more emotional. Then didn't sleep well and this morning started feeling physically sick. Started as nausea and then I started feeling very fatigued with chest pressure and sweaty/clammy. Made me very concerned so I called my Cardiologist who had me come right over. ( I see him due to high BP and very bad family history for cardiac disease). My staff walked me over and then I texted H what was going on. He was clearly very worried and said he was on his way. I told him he could wait to see if I needed ER admit but he came anyway.
Cardiac eval was fine but my BPs were sky high. Cardiologist asked me about my stress level and I told him what was going on-'turns out he's dealing with same.
He talked to me about managing my stress and eating/exercise which I told him if been doing very well with and dropped a size and toned up. I switched this week to generic form of my BP med and he thought that might be the main reason for high BP.
So H wouldn't let me drive home, gathered all my stuff and brought me to my house. Then went and filled my new med for me and got dinner for the kids. He hung around until evening making sure I was ok. But he seemed almost mad. I even asked him and he said no he was just worried and has not been sleeping
well himself so he's not communicating well.
After he left he texted asking if I was doing ok- I said yes and thank
You again for your help.
Then he sent a very strange text: "no matter our marital status or who is sleeping in your bed I will always be here. Just need to know what's going on a little more clearly if it's from a distance".
I was very confused. Granted my staff did tell him that I debated letting him know initially and I think that really bothered him.
So I texted back that only the dog was currently sleeping in my bed and I didn't mean to offend him was just thankful. I also asked what info he needed more clearly.
He texted back it's all good, he was reading and it's hard to read context with text messages, especially when we are tired.

So my take on all of this- BP med is getting fixed and hopefully that is bulk of issue. I have been an emotional mess last couple of days and clearly that is impacting my health. On other hand these are issues I need to process b/c they hit my own old wounds from childhood. Need to find a balance on working through them.
With H- he seems very restless. Lots going on with him ( job change,
Not sure when/how much he will be paid as he does startup, has to look for new place to live) but there seems to be more.
The comment on marital status or who's in my bed, he also said in regards to me not letting him know something going on with S16 until later " I know, I get it, I don't live here".
Warning- about to mind read- it's like he's mad that he walked out and that there is more distance. But he's not ready or is too scared yet to change his mind.
Is this a potential part of coming out if the tunnel? He definitely keeps mentioning all the " emotional stuff" he is processing and seems to need to go through.

Could use any advice or observations out there.....


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
daring #2474824 08/01/14 02:41 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
Hi Daring. I’m sorry to hear you were feeling ill. I hope you are doing better soon. It must have felt nice that H showed concern for you.

I know firsthand that the stress of our sitch can drain us, and cause or amplify physical ailments. There was a period early on where I was seeing my doctor for several unexplained aches and pains… and I’ve always been a very healthy person. Please take good care of yourself. What is your exercise program? Good job trimming down. Trying some new activities may help relieve your stress, especially if it involves others. Staying active and meeting new people has really helped me.

Originally Posted By: daring
But he (H) seemed almost mad. I even asked him and he said no he was just worried and has not been sleeping
well himself so he's not communicating well.


Even though he still cares for you, dealing with anyone else’s problems is just too much for him right now. Remember, he’s buried alive dealing with his own schtuff. Very confused, and hurting badly. (thus the not sleeping well)

I think you’re doing well. Just continue to give him space, and let him see that you are more than ok.

I wouldn’t read too much into the strange text. He’ll say weird stuff here and there and then not mention it again, or change his tune later. Our MLC spouses don’t love themselves, and can’t see how we would love them. My W used to tell me I should go find a “real W”. Even point out candidates to me! Thankfully, these comments have long passed.

Quote:
he also said in regards to me not letting him know something going on with S16 until later


Try to meet his needs, but in a reasonable manner. Don’t knock yourself out over it, because it can be a moving target. Just stay your course. You’re the lighthouse, remember!

Quote:
He definitely keeps mentioning all the "emotional stuff" he is processing and seems to need to go through.


This is awareness, a very good thing! Be content with this and believe that he will make it through.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
D
daring Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
Thanks FY for bringing me back to perspective. I had been doing well but I think his increase in spinning and confusion has me a little riled up.
Time to plant my lighthouse back on the rock!

I do a boot camp program that is really more like a family- we do HIIT ( high intensity interval training) which is supposed to be more effective than cardio or weights alone. I try to get there 3 times a week. Our coach is awesome- she focuses on positive mindset, loving yourself where you're at- not just when you've reached a goal, and provides lots of sound nutrition recommendations. It has been great and I find myself wanting to be tortured by my workouts and upset if I have to miss!!

It was really nice that H wanted to help take care of me. He stopped by today as well and bought me a new BP cuff. Is also driving me to work later to pick up my charts and my car.

I so identify with the " find someone deserving of you" comments. Those have decreased significantly but he will still say every once in awhile that I should find someone that's able to make me happy and not so messed up.

His insight is definitely encouraging. He's not looking outward to fulfill his needs nearly as much, but looking inward is still painful. Baby steps.

By the way BP already much better today since switching back to brand name med. Whew!


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
daring #2475258 08/02/14 06:53 PM
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
D
daring Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 394
Well I am not having a very good day. H is clearly upset about his job stuff- they are excluding him from a lot of things and even though he's leaving them soon, it's really hitting his self esteem.
He's very moody, and mainly underlying anger. I can deal with all of that- except even though he's trying to help me with me having been sick this week, he's picking on me and makes " biting" comments here and there.
He hadn't seen an expansion at my work that we opened in Jan, when he did he said how the competition should open something up. I said her are you trying to put me out of business? Then he said " like there's any chance if that happening".
Then he made a sideways comment about how I'm too soft on S16 at the same time that he was letting our daughter out of doing something I had asked her to do. I had left it alone but once he made the comment to me I said really- you want to go there? What just happened with d12?
Then as he was leaving he said his phone wasn't working. I said ok if I have heart symptoms again I'll have s19 take me in. My daughter said- did you really think you were having a heart attack? I said yes- then he said no her heart just needed some attention. I ended up starting to cry and he rubbed my leg saying he was just teasing and left. He called later to apologize which was nice- I told him thank you.
Then today his brother came over with SIL and baby to visit. He had asked yesterday if it was ok.
He got to the house after that did and as soon as he walked in starts giving S7 crap for being on computer, starts cleaning up the kitchen in a big flurry and then finally sits down.
It reminds me of how he was early in MLC though it's clearly not to that level and he does have some insight. Back then one of his big issues was telling me I was a bad mom and not involved enough and I wasn't doing things to help in house as much because I was working so much. ( never mind there were times he traveled for a year straight and I had 4 kids and medical training to handle).
I guess I didn't process all of that hurt fully and while I have forgiven him for it all as I know he didn't mean to be that way, I'm very sensitive right now and I find myself feeling horrible and crying. I don't even want to be around him when he's like this and I'm not sure what to do.
He came to check on me a little while ago and saw me crying, asked what was wrong and I said it's not a short conversation - I'm ok right now.
He's going to keep pestering me and if I tell him he will run b/c he's hurting me and he can't handle it but if I don't say anything than he will keep badgering me until I do. I also feel I need to set a boundary on him" picking" on me and the kids but I'm not sure how to do that either.
Ugggh I don't know why I'm taking all this so personally it [censored]!!


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
daring #2475287 08/02/14 09:24 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
Hi daring,
FY is right about the MLC not being able to handle anyone else's problems. My W, even after leaving, treating me like crap, yelling, spewing, etc. still wants to talk to me about all HER problems. She will go on and on about her health, her dad's health, things at work....but if I say anything about my life that isn't 100% good, she will get upset and not say a word. Even when it come to the D, she seems so surprised that I can't understand that I have to do whatever SHE wants as only her life and her problems matter. Our problems are NOTHING compared to what they are going through (even though it was their choice) and if we complain or have health issues, whatever, they get angry since to them it's nothing compared to what they are going through.

Try to detach from him right now. Try not to let it get to you. Hang in there daring you'll be fine!

Page 3 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard