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#2465724 07/03/14 02:07 PM
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Almost to 100 posts and feel it's time to transition to new thread.

Thanks to FY for the idea for my new thread title- since he assigned me to write it on the blackboard I thought this would be a good reminder! smile

My first thread was Roller Coaster and Then Some- I think this is the link.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2445162#Post2445162

Brief synopsis of my sitch:

Me 40, H 39 4 kids: s19, s16, d12, s7

High school sweethearts, married 20 years
Since about 2010 knew " something wasn't right" with H. Became moody and very different personality. Started buying lots of motorized toys, having an EA with our friend/neighbor. In late 2012 told me he wasn't sure our marriage was going to work- said he was " deprioritized" and I wasn't meeting his needs. I do have a very demanding job and was building a new practice during all this so I tried to change as much as I could and work on things that I knew were issues ( including a somewhat SSM for years). Nothing I did seemed to be enough. Then in Sept 2013 he told me he was seeking out a divorce. I was shocked. Despite all our issues- I didn't expect him to do that. Found DB/DR 3 days later and realized this is MLC.
He moved out Oct 1 and filed Oct 10. Hasn't done anything more with it but who knows.
Moved back in Jan 17 because he was suicidal. Got on AD, going to IC but still not sure about relationship. Moved back out early May saying he just felt he needed to move forward with the divorce in order to get through everything. Hasn't moved forward on that yet, and I am just trying to drop the rope and Gal.
We have a good friendship right now and are good coparents. I see baby steps, but recent events have opened my eyes this is going to be a very long journey and I'm not reading every positive as a sign he's coming back. Slowly getting myself off the roller coaster.


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
daring #2465726 07/03/14 02:09 PM
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daring,

I love the title of your newest thread!

---GG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



GoatGal #2466095 07/04/14 02:53 PM
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Thanks GG- thought it would be a good way to remind me!

So H seems pretty down that the current job didn't work out in that he folded his own company in and thought he would have some creative control- instead he hasn't been able to convince them to change direction. It's interesting because he often likens his own behavior and " lack of doing the work" regarding the relationship to what his fellow executives are doing. Interesting how sometimes they have insight but can't seem to do anything about it. I do see slow movement though.

Had a dream last night that he was on phone with me and said " I love you" right before hanging up. Interesting as that was one of the things I noticed right before BD- after 20 years he all the sudden was ending phone conversations without saying I love you.

Just jotting down the thoughts in my head today. Happy 4th everyone- hope your GAL activities today are fulfilling! I'm on call so can't go far. I'm taking little ones to carnival and fireworks. Should be fun!


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
daring #2466099 07/04/14 03:01 PM
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daring,

I know exactly what you mean about the lack of the "I love you" at the end of a phone call.

The first time it happened after we finally re-established phone contact, it was like a dagger to my heart.

I had prepared my whole conversational script, but I wasn't prepared for that.
I didn't expect him to say it, but I was unprepared how it made me feel.

It's still like that, this awkward--"Umm, bye then" we have now, and so I often try and get off first before he has a chance to "not" say it.

It hurts. As much as I'm furious with him and often wish I'd hit the lottery so I could tell him to just go stuff it... it still hurts.

So---what are we doing this 4th of July?
We are getting a FUN LIFE as FUN WOMEN!

---GG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



GoatGal #2466173 07/04/14 10:39 PM
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GG- that awkward end if the conversation really is frustrating! Hang in there and keep focus on you!

Interesting events today.... H hung out with family and grilled by the pool. Then as I was changing out of bathing suit he came in room and helped me put aloe lotion on. Was clearly getting turned on and kept looking in my eyes like he wanted to kiss me. I hugged him quickly to break the tension and he was holding really tight. Then he did end up kissing me a bit, and tried to have things progress. I took his hands and held them, stopped kissing him, and told him he needed to go take our daughter to her friends 4th party. He said " are you kicking me out?" I said- yes. He then said are you sure? And I again said yes.
He went out of room, then came back and said I'm sorry- I know that was too much. I said I'm ok. He said- then why aren't you naked? I laughed and said bye!

Sooooo- I know I set a boundary recently that I would not be intimate with him and it was very hard to stop the process, but I'm not quite ready. That said- I see some steps toward me lately, and his LL is physical touch ( big time!!) so I'm wondering if this may be an opportunity to remind him of our connection. Of course I won't do it if I'm feeling used, and quite frankly I'm enjoying teasing him a little bit but I can't do that forever. For now he should certainly go home thinking about me smile

Any of the guys on the board want to weigh in for me?


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
daring #2466285 07/05/14 05:26 PM
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So do they cycle much more quickly on either end of the tunnel?

I'm sure I'm hoping some, though I have made great strides in my detachment lately. It just seems H is all over the place again similar to the beginning of this crisis several years ago. A couple of weeks ago I saw replay behaviors ( albeit mild), now he's bouncing in and out of depression and withdrawal. Seems like he wants to spend time with me and family but is fishing for invites and interest from me.
Also made the comment last night that it's prob better for him not to be alone for long so he was going to go hang with our daughter at her friends house 4th party ( we were all invited but I took 2 of our boys to a carnival).
I told him if he was feeling that down and needed anything to please call me ( he hasn't expressed these types of feelings since he was suicidal in Jan so it worried me, though he says he's not at that low of a point).

I know his job is ending and he needs to find something which is adding stress, so that could be part of it. But just seems different- like he's more of himself but cycling.....

In any case I have lots of GAL activities planned over the next month. Continuing to develop my own life in the event that he doesn't come back, but try to keep the door cracked in a way that I am not pulled back onto the roller coaster.
Really wish I could just hold him and tell him he can get through all this. Funny how my strength is coming back.


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
daring #2466305 07/05/14 09:04 PM
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Hi daring,
I suggest that you keep the no ML boundary. The teasing is OK, I think. Remind him that part of what he is giving up if he can't commit is the intimacy that you have shared for so long.

On the maybe good news front, I read here a while back that when the MLC is coming out of the tunnel, it IS common for them to cycle through all the stages, not staying long in any one but as they progress, they will "close the door" forever on each stage until they come out the other side. Hopefully this is what is happening with your H. Just be careful at this stage as you can easily cause them to run and hide longer in any one of the stages. Patience is sorely needed at this time.

Keep up what works and don't let yourself do anything that you know you shouldn't. Good luck, I'm rooting for you!

Matt165 #2466362 07/06/14 06:43 AM
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Very wise thread title. wink Never forget it, and never stop growing and becoming a better person.

Michele wrote about having sex with our spouse during this time. Maybe someone can post it (or a link to it) here for us.

Basically, she said if it would make you feel used, or otherwise bad, then you don't want to do it.

But, if you feel it could be a way for you both to connect in a loving way, then you may want to be open to the possibility, even if it's only occasionally... especially since you mentioned SSM being a past issue requiring your attention.

Plus, if I read you correctly, you're fairly certain H's not cake eating.

If all this is the case, I'd say rewarding positive behavior could go a long way to helping rebuild your marriage.

As always, monitor results.

"Really wish I could just hold him and tell him he can get through all this."

Why can't you? He's already holding you. Telling him you know he can get through this is not you trying to fix him... it's you showing you support and believe in him, and then leave him to it. This is what he needs from you now!

"Funny how my strength is coming back."

You should feel strong. Marriages that have made it past the 20 year mark have already weathered through most of the typical issues that end most marriages at the 7-8 year mark. You and your H learned how to resolve these marriage ending conflicts a long time ago. You have something worth saving! Even in his crisis, your H seems to be able to see this too.

And now you are both learning some new things. And once you get through the crisis your M will be even stronger than it ever was before.

Remember: The more steady, confident, and independent you are, the more H will be drawn to you. The more meaning and purpose you create in your life, the more attractive you will be. Keep On Bustin'.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Thanks Matt and FY for your input. I had read Hearts Blessing's stages where they talk about revisiting each stage but wasn't sure if rapid firing is part of it. I also read Michelle's discussion on sex with the estranged spouse and potential risks/benefits.

I decided to go for it yesterday when the opportunity presented itself and it was very nice to connect some. He kept checking to make sure I was ok with us being intimate ( including after) and seemed very genuine. I really feel ok with it and didn't feel like I was " giving in", more like I was sharing some connection to help him where he's at in his journey. I know that sounds corny but really thats where I'm at. And I still feel strong and positive.

As far as the status of things- something FEELS different. I can't put my finger on it but I see H being gentler, more considerate, more introspective but not in such a tortured way. Maybe it's also that I have reached a different level of detachment where his difficult days aren't taken personally. It's probably both and it feels like movement in a way that I feel more peaceful and positive. It's nice. I'm trying to let him bake while I enjoy the smell of sweetness beginning to waft from the oven.....not rushing anything as if this is going to work it needs to be done right.


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
daring #2467239 07/09/14 03:24 PM
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I am having a bad few days. S16 had friends over two nights ago who ended up staying the night without pre-planning it and were quite loud. Ended up happening the next night as well even though I had said they need to not stay over. Nothing egregious but he was being a normal teenager who is self focused.
H was really angry about it though- and last night as soon as I got home a discussion ensued that was quite uncomfortable. S16 was trying to not accept responsibility for some of his choices, but H was also talking to him with sarcastic jabs and being controlling. Was attacking his character more than necessary in my opinion. Then got upset with me because I was calmly stating my expectations but was being " too nice" WTF???
Then S16 really went after it and started trying to split us saying he asked mom, not dad about friends over and it's her house. And mom is being more reasonable then you are. H took the bait and got even more pi$$y asking him WTH that was all about.
Afterwords I was clearly very upset b/c I can step back and see it us more about the relationship than the issue at hand but H can't see it right now. I also realize I need to set clearer boundaries with S but I also worry about him b/c he had an admit in March for depression and suicidal thoughts and though he is receiving treatment and much better his mental state is still fragile.
I also had lovely input from my nanny of 5 yrs who has different perspectives on parenting and made me feel crappy. I'm touchy feely, she's not. Usually I'm fine with that but this all hit me and I bawled my eyes out last night and this morning.

H wanted to talk more last night about what we needed to do and what I thought he needed to change in his approach ( that is a very good thing I know) but I said I think this conversation should happen at another time because we need to be able to hear each other not just have the need to be right. He agreed.

I wrote him an email last night with my thoughts. This morning I called him b/c nanny was being judgmental again ( she's not usually like this) and I was just emotionally done. He listened and tried to help. Texted me later that he's sorry and we can talk through this and find ways to support each other better.

Maybe this all will turn out to be a good thing but I haven't cried that much and felt so hurt in months. Clearly it hit something and I told H I know we are both projecting our own wounds into this. Thankful I have IC today!


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
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