Am I on the right track?

[wmwb123]

My wife moved out a month ago. I have only spoken to her in person two times since then, and both times I begged and pleaded (I hadn't had a chance to read anything at that point). It has since come to my attention that she’s having an affair. She denied it, but I have proof. She seems very guilt ridden because she absolutely refuses to talk to me and will not respond to text messages. I started my 180 of not pursuing her or initiating contact in any way a week ago after confronting her. Am I doing the right thing? Isn’t this exactly what she wants? It does seem to be better for my sanity, though, because it irritates me to no end when she ignores my text messages. How do I affect anything when she won’t have any contact with me whatsoever? And is this guilt she’s apparently experiencing a good thing?

[Dad+2]

My W moving out was the best thing for my sanity and health. In my own sitch, I assume (though I desperately wanted to) assume there is no guilt. Don't try to mind read, it will only drive you nuts. The idea of doing a 180 is as much of not more for you than for them. Once I was more consistent with my 180 (still not completely consistent as I still back slide), my PMA started to return and I started seeing what was really going on. I'm still reading the DB book and looking for help where ever I can find it. This may be what she wants but in my case it the 180 did cause a reaction. Only time will tell what the outcome will be.

HTH,

[wmwb123]

Does moving in with the AP speed up the reality check? If they're with their AP 24/7 (they work together), does that give them more of a chance to realize that the grass is not greener?

[Cristy]

The best advice I can give you is to call a Divorce Busting Coach today. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.

Cristy Harland
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[wmwb123]

I'm already in coaching. I am just looking for any information I can find. I keep trying to find hope in my situation. Is moving out pretty much a death knell? Or do those affairs tend to end in 6 months also?

[Cristy]

That sounds like a really good question for your DB coach. Do you have a session scheduled soon?


Cristy Harland
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[wmwb123]

Yes. She said that the outlook was bleak as we do not have any contact. People with kids have more chances to interact. My spouse has moved to another city an hour away. With no reason to see each other (other than the fact that I miss her), it's going to be hard.

[twinmom]

Every relationship is different. I know how hard it is right now for you, trust me I went through he@@ and am pretty much still there even though my H and OW are no longer together and he lives on my couch........

Honestly my best advice to you is try not to think about the affair 24/7. I personally know that is easier said than done. Make yourself as busy as possible and keep your mind busy at all times.

[Dad+2]

With time and the right frame of mind, thoughts of the affair seem not to come as often and not last as long. I still have to tell myself that it's out of my control and not something I have to worry about. I was finally honest with myself and realized that this affair could last longer than my hatred of it. Shoot, if my W ever gets off her butt and files, she may even marry the jerk. It is beyond my control. Statistically, Affairs do not last. After reading this forum, it looks like many can last a very long time. Knowing this, I'm moving on with my life the best I can. I'd suggest others to do the same. If the spouse does decide to come along for the ride, then decide what course of action to take.

[theoden]

nmwb123,

Sorry to see you here.

It hurts like hell, and you (like all of us) have racing thoughts and can't get yout spouse or their affair partner, or the whole bloody mess out of our mind. To tell you to try not to think about it is probably not too helpful: no one is THAT zen. ;-)

The reason people recommend "get a life" activity is to help you save yourself. Any activity that demands your full attention and helps you find flow (losing yourself in the activity) frees your mind from fixations on the affair. Sailing, martial arts, rock-climbing, painting, etc are all things that might help you regain balance AND give your mind a break. You can't really worry about your marriage when you are reaching for the next hand-hold as you scale the climbing wall or ducking someone's left hook in your kick-boxing class. Get in shape, give your mind some rest. Running on a treadmill won't help, it allows your mind to drift and you'll have racing thoughts. Pick something that really engages you.

On the positive side, you don't have kids. Sorry if that's cold-comfort right now, but this would be significantly worse if your kids had to go through this. You really have only ONE person to worry about protecting: YOU.

I'm not going to tell you to fix yourself or become a better person you so your wife can see the positive changes. That makes the next 6-24 mos of your life a miserable hell of walking on egg-shells and worrying if she's noticing your changes. Generally speaking, it doesn't really work. She knows your doing it to win her back so she's really suspicious and most people backslide from those changes. Lots of DB "champs" that mentored me THOUGHT they saved their marriages by becoming superman for 12 mos, 18 mos even 2 yrs. Eventually they slipped back into more usual behavior, and guess what? Yup. Their spouses ended up leaving them and cheating on them again. They are both divorced now. They used to have success stories posted on the DB boards.

Yes in THEORY if you, through some herculean effort, are able to change yourself significantly, and maintain those positive changes FOREVER, you might have a chance at attracting your wife back and keeping her. Michelle Weiner Davis says it's the hardest thing you'll ever do. In my opinion, you might have a better shot of making it through the Navy Seals training class. Heck...I believed it at first, and I SWORE I could change. Guess what? Didn't happen for me. I got exhausted. I forgot to grow a spine in the process and I didn't lay down healthy boundaries. In the end, the fact my wife didn't think her affair was wrong (even though she was open to reconciling)took the wind out of my sails. I couldn't stay married to someone who thought adultery was a viable, morally acceptable option.

For your marriage to be saved, you BOTH need to want to save it. DB-ing only gets their attention, but it doesn't really make them want to change themselves, or even experience remorse for cheating on you. That would take serious marriage counseling.

Here's my advice.

1. Don't pursue her. the more energy you put into the relationship NOW, the more she's going to pull back. If you give her space, she MIGHT be curious. Or then she might not. No guarantees here.

2. See a Lawyer and protect yourself/your assets. Know your options. Take steps to move on with your life. You can always stop the train, but getting it started means you are serious about caring for yourself. Right now you are acting like you are a footnote in your wife's story. Start acting like you are the main character in your own play. ;-)

3. If you have evidence of her affair you have to decide if you want to use it. You can wait a period of time and see how it plays out. Confronting her is only good if you give her an ultimatum. It's me or him. Decide now. Even Michelle Weiner Davis talks about ultimatums. They usually are only effective after the the Last Resort Technique and after going dark. In my opinion, your wife may have already decided. Ultimatums are, to some degree, a sign of strength - they show resolve and backbone, which is attractive. Unfortunately you only get to use them once and they don't always work out.

4. Give yourself a time-line. 3, 6 ,9 mos. Decide how long YOU are willing to leave the door open before you file for divorce. And stick to it. If it doesn't work out, at least you walk out with your dignity. Otherwise you'll be dragged in kicking and screaming through a divorce where you have lost all your power.

5. My personal experience though the whole process is this: the WORSE things I imagined would happen DID happen. And several years after the fact, I'm OK. I wasn't destroyed. The worst case scenario isn't going to destroy you. If I had that perspective then, perhaps I wouldn't have been so frozen in fear. What's the WORST thing that can happen? You lose your wife. And THEN what? Can your life still experience joy and meaning? Yes. Do we rise, phoenix-like, from the ashes? Yes. It's really hard to see that, but really, had I lost my fear, I might have been a bit more creative and, perhaps would have been able to f*ck with the OM in my situation, who happened to have been my best-friend.

6. Put on you inner Samurai. Suit up. Lock and Load. It's YOUR life.

Peace,

Theoden