Train, roll on ...

[Maybell]

Train, I'm not a vet, but I also have an English degree and I'm a SAHM looking at going back to work. Mind if I chime in?

There is middle ground. Lots of it. You can be a SAHM and a ball-buster at the same time.

Rather than going to law school you could get a paralegal certification through the local community college and be at work much more quickly. Paralegals do a lot of what attorneys do, especially as they progress in their careers. And you have the option of finding part-time work. I had a minor in accounting and just kept accumulating classes till I qualified for the CPA exam, and then went to work for a CPA firm doing litigation support. I did white collar crime support working with the FBI. (This was only part of my role there, it was general litigation support, so if I'd stayed I could have found myself on both sides of the legal fence, depending on the client). There are a lot of angles to the sort of work that draws you.

You could do advocacy work, starting as a volunteer. You can get high-profile work very quickly and parlay it into paid work over time. You can use your English degree and your blog experience as an in for what you have to offer and do as much or as little as you can balance with your home responsibilities.

You could follow through with your freelance opportunities and do as much or as little of that as you can balance with your SAHM life. You have a ton of middle ground available. You could teach at a private school that has a freer curriculum.

What I'm hearing you say is that what you want is to feel powerful. It makes you feel more secure and it is attractive to your H. So instead of thinking in binary terms, SAHM or lawyer, what if you thought in terms of balance in yourself? As I prepare my own job search I'm learning that just picking a box to crawl into is a terrible way to choose a profession. There is more out there than we realize.

Best of luck to you. It's a tricky needle to thread at the best of times. You've been a real inspiration and support to many here and I hope that makes you feel powerful too.

[Train]

Starsky,

Prayers for a speedy surgery and recovery!!!!

Maybell,

THANK YOU. You gave me some GREAT ideas! I've thought about the paralegal route. And even the private-school route.

I definitely don't want to be a "paper pusher." But, if I go back to work, I do want to create change.

I guess my biggest fear is that the one thing I love to do is not attractive to my H. I could spend the rest of my life as a SAHM and be fine. (Or at least until D3 graduates and moves out.) But I'm afraid H will leave again.

Lots to consider there. But you've given me some GREAT leads, Maybell. Thank you sooooo much. xoxo

[Wonka]

Train,

Maybell has given you some really good pointers on some choice career tracks for you to consider.

Also would suggest checking out Opportunity Nocs website for they have some really wonderful NPO jobs that fit around SAHM schedules.

You can even start up your own PI business with your FBI contacts.

[Train]

Thank you, Wonka. I will absolutely check that website.

I'm just a little off-balance right now, I think. Maybe not off-balance.

I'm just struggling with the fact that I'm even having to worry about this at all right now. I mean, I shouldn't focus on how unfair it all is, I know. Because it is what it is. But I shouldn't have to be sitting here, debating a career - or NOT - based on whether my H is going to leave again. And based on what HE finds "attractive." I mean, that's just plain ridiculous, huh?

But, alas, that's where I find myself these days ...

It's insecurity.

[zew]

Train, I'll throw in too. Maybe give you some perspective from your H's point of view. Sorry it's *me* related, but I hope it gives you something to chew on.

My WAW had just quit working and was going back to school when she became pregnant with D13, our first. It was a very difficult, life-threatening pregnancy, and she was unable to continue school.

We both valued the SAHM. We both thought it best that the kids have someone at home, rather than being put in day-care. (no offense to those who choose daycare, we felt strongly otherwise) We both thought it best that mommy would be waiting for them when the school bus brought them home.

We knew it would be a challenge living on one income, but we thought it was worth it. I can't emphasize enough that we were both in full agreement on the choices. We both knew that W would go back to work eventually, but we never set those specific conditions up.

W was a very good mother. She is highly organized, and got involved in all kinds of extra-curricular things for the kids. But I don't think it was enough for her.

W just went back to work this winter, as part of her WAW exit plan.

Looking back now, I see nothing but red flags.

W had always been insecure. She was always afraid I would leave her. I never gave her any reason for this and never understood it. I now believe it was because I was successful, well educated, mobile, and she was less educated -- she was afraid I would eventually tire of her. When she became a SAHM, I think this worsened. She felt even less secure, no independent income, out of touch with the job market. [ringing a bell with you?] She was totally dependent on me.

Personally, I didn't think I would mind the SAHM. But now, I realize, that sub-consciously, there was stuff going on. My W was totally dependent on me. I guess I was always a bit of a father figure to her - nothing weird, but W's father passed when she was 18, and I am 9+ years older than W. W's total dependence on me as a SAHM probably made that worse. She commented to a friend recently that her big fear in even trying to R with me is that we'll never break the parent/child financial relationship we have and be equals in the M.

Now I also realize that by staying at home, she saw less of the world, and her universe shrank. We had less to talk about when I came home from work. She progressively understood less and less about what I did for a living, and was more intimidated by people who worked with me. Again, sub-consciously, she became less interesting to me, and I started pouring more time into hobbies and less into her.

So, knowing of her insecurities and need for independence and need to engage with people (she's very social) I celebrated her going back to work this winter. Of course, she was "done" by then, in an A, and took all my encouragement and happiness for her as insincere. Now she has all kinds of work related stories and angst that we could share - but she's not into talking to me about it.

And now, when she comes home at night, dressed for work, having put in a hard day, it's just damned sexy. I find it very attractive, (like clear the table!) and I realize now just how much I value and respect her independence.

So looking back now, if W had gone back to work 18 months earlier, I think we would not be where we are today, and I think half of our problems have already been solved by her returning to work.

But I digress...

So, my advice, from my perspective, is that yes, you should resume a career, at least part time. You have an inkling of insecurity and doubt about H leaving again. That's something you have to deal with separately, but if you at least have your toe into an independent outside career, you won't be sub-consciously feeding that fear, you'll be starving that fear.

And H says he will support your decision either way - that's great. Know that men have this innate "I'm the provider" need. Some might be intimidated by an independent W, some find it attractive. Being part time might let you get the best of this without pushing it too far either way with H.

[Train]

Wow. Great, great wisdom there, zew. Cannot thank you enough for chiming in.

I've recently started thinking that maybe I'm so gung-ho about this homeschooling thing not necessarily because I love it soooo much ... but because maybe it's the one thing I do at home - in, as you said, my "shrunk" universe - that makes me feel accomplished.

But maybe getting back out there would give me a different perspective.

Your sitch sounds so familiar. Sigh. Hugs to you ...

But thank you for this; it gives me GREAT stuff to chew on.

[mdu]

Interesting thread.

I always worked outside the home but at times I think it worked against H and I because sometimes I think we were a bit competitive about it. We work in a similar field. At times I was very opinionated about his job when I probably should have just listened (actually, I know I should have, he's told me as much).

I think the confidence piece is so important. While I was confident at work there's a lot at home that I'm not confident about. We brought this huge, beautiful home a couple of years ago and while I love it it really kind of overwhelms me. I think at times I annoyed H because I was always depending on him for house things when I could probably easily deal with some stuff myself. Anyway, just thinking about needing to build up my self-esteem today and I think taking on more house tasks, especially with H gone, would go a long way. I seriously need a personal organizer.

[shodan]

Train

You have given me tons of great advice. I would like to share my perspective, which perhaps will only confuse you.

You need to be happy. But you also need to make sure that you are working on improving your marriage, which also will make you happy. If you H loves your confidence when you are doing your own thing, planning to study to be a lawyer, etc., then think about what specifically you are doing that he finds attractive. What is it about Train that is different? As stated above, it simply could be that you are independent and know that if this M did not work out, you would be fine. But when you go back to the SAHM scenario, perhaps your confidence wanes because you no longer have financial independence and come to rely on your H too much. There has to be a middle ground.

About my sitch...my W has worked always and I love that she does. I know she would not like being a SAHM. So I want her to be happy. I always have supported her in her career. I believe the happiness is very attractive. If my wife was a SAHM, I believe that it would hurt our R (let's ignore for now that she asked for a D and is having a EA/PA to which she will not admit).

So what does this mean for you? Find the middle ground. Do freelance work from home AND stay home with the kids? Go become a teacher? Will give you summers off with your kids but also allow you to teach, which appears to be something that you love.

Not sure if my ramblings are helpful or just creating more confusion.

[Train]

You guys are seriously the best. And you've each given me something to consider.

The fact that there's maybe no "clear-cut" path for me validates my feelings and concerns a little.

I *do* think that whatever I do, I should embrace it and do it to the best of my ability. That way, I have confidence in me.

I'm just deathly afraid I'll add up to $90K of debt to our lives (by way of school loans ... and I'm still paying my undergrad loans!!) and then decide I'd rather stay home. It'll take me four years to get through law school in the part-time/evening program I would start.

I NEVER would have assumed I'd find peace and happiness in being a SAHM. But here I am.

I'll talk to H a little more about it, too. I guess another issue is that I feel every time I talk to him about it (and we have opened up our lines of communication quite a bit, though it still takes me asking questions to get him to talk sometimes), I feel this particular subject is so intertwined with our past (I'm making this decision based on his history) that maybe he feels like I'm constantly reminding him of our past.

I dunno. Kinda confusing.

I heart all y'all. You provide the best support - and ask the best questions - in the world. You really have my brain thinking.

[Wonka]

Train,

I'll talk to H a little more about it, too. I guess another issue is that I feel every time I talk to him about it (and we have opened up our lines of communication quite a bit, though it still takes me asking questions to get him to talk sometimes), I feel this particular subject is so intertwined with our past (I'm making this decision based on his history) that maybe he feels like I'm constantly reminding him of our past.

Put all of it on the table. Be true and authentic to yourself when discussing this topic...especially your inner peacefulness being a SAHM. It is very important to stay true to yourself. Maybe you don't need to go to a law school. There might be other ways to balance yourself by engaging in volunteer work that fills up your soul.

I have family members who volunteer at the food bank, pet charities, and the like that fulfills their sense of service to others.