Hi train, I have spent the past couple of days reading your threads, my sitch resonates with me, my H had his first a 5 years ago, we "worked it through"(read ignored it, pretend it never happened) he began s 4 months ago, officially moved into his own place 2 months ago, had 2nd a Nov last year, he's just said he's stated seeing same ow last wweek, Umm yep that's the official line! could you do me a huge favor and check out my threads, it's be nice to hear your take on it all
Train, when you get a moment, can you check out a poster named Sam3 over on the Newcomers forum? I think she could really benefit from your experience, and she sounds to my (entire untrained) ear to have the "moxie" to be able to pull this off, too. In other words, she strikes me as someone who would really apply the advice without fear.
Starsky (and HS if you're reading ... and Wonka if you have an opinion and, hell, anyone else out there, too),
I've hit a minor snag. Not a snag, per se. I don't know what to call it. This is a piecing issue. A personal issue. Hells bells. I don't know WHAT it is, but I've been struggling with it and need some perspective, and y'all give that to me at my weirdest moments, so here goes ...
Okay, you know how I've posted about my decision to move forward with law school? I've always thought I'd be really good at it and would enjoy it (especially if I can work in a DAs office with a focus on white-collar crime). And before I became a SAHM, it was just a pipe dream. Yet here it is: a potential reality.
But once I became a SAHM, I started liking being a SAHM. I have spent the better part of this week planning my S8's curriculum this year, and it always energizes me sooooo much. I LOVE building my own curriculum and teaching him things. I also love watching him learn things (like how to read and multiply) and thinking: Dang! I did that! (You should also know that my first "declared major" in college was Elementary Education, but once I discovered that teachers had to teach to a test and couldn't really build their own curriculum, I bowed out and declared English as my major. I know, I know. English? WTF? But I was a good writer and just wanted good grades ... and CLEARLY had NO good guidance in the process ... but I digress ...)
H says ("says") he not only supports me being a SAHM and homeschooling our kids but he will encourage me to continue doing it. In fact, he says it makes him happy to see me with the kids and to come home to a hot meal every afternoon.
But he said post-BD that I "let myself go" as a SAHM. And he left me.
As I've started studying for the LSAT and have gotten more serious about law school and (eventually) long hours at a firm, I've found myself growing quite sad ... and even angry. (I'll explain in a minute.)
Yes, I've always thought I'd do well in law. Yes, there's a side of me that feels fulfilled when I'm kicking butt and taking names. (Picture it: in my former career, my newspaper/blog investigations brought not only the SBI but the *FBI* into our town to investigate on SEVERAL occasions ... and, at one point not too long ago, resulted in the firing of our police chief).
There's this one side of me that loves exposure and conflict ... when I put my head on a pillow every night, knowing I've done something positive for my community. Thinking back, those were some of the best days of my life.
And my H says ("says") he will not only support me but ENCOURAGE me going to law school and eventually kicking butt and taking names again. In fact, he says it makes him SO proud to see me doing that, and he knows it makes me feel fulfilled and happy.
But some of those "kicking-butt" days are also the days when I put my career before my H. And he left me. The first time.
It took me probably a year to settle into a SAHM role. It's what I wanted. And now I adore it. Mainly, I adore educating my son and watching him learn and grow. I love developing his curriculum, pairing classic literature to a particular region we're studying. I make family meals/desserts that also pair with that region.
So I have the ball-busting me ... and I have this OTHER side of me that's totally creative and domestic.
I've never found balance with the two.
So the other day, I talked to H about maybe me getting my licensure to teach instead of piling on $90K in school loans to pay for law school. Teaching wouldn't pay well, and it wouldn't get me in touch with that "ball-busting Train," but I'd be able to bring the kids with me to work and make money at the same time, etc. He said he'd fully support "whichever" I wanted to do.
But here's the kicker: I don't HAVE to work. And he says he doesn't care about me bringing in income. He says he likes being the provider ... and even WANTS me to go out and buy myself a nice outfit every once in a while to go on a date with him. He says, "that's WHY I work so hard."
Literally the only reason I feel compelled to go back to school/work right now is to be able to secure a job that makes enough money to provide for my kids and me in case H ever leaves again. Or dies, I guess. But that seems too morbid to consider, sooo ...
I have a stupid English degree. Like, WTH can I do with THAT?!? I have to have SOMETHING on top of it to secure a decent job.
But I *LOVE* staying home with my babies and homeschooling S8 (and, soon, D3).
I know this is asking for advice that is wayyyyy beyond the scope of DBing. But I'm not asking for career advice at all, actually.
I guess my question is: am I crazy for making such huge decisions - that will potentially have huge financial, familial impacts - based solely on the presumption that H may leave again?
And, yes, it makes me sad and angry. It makes me so sad and SO angry that my life can't just be simple: me doing what makes me happy and knowing that WHICHEVER path I chose would make H happy, too.
When he came back in 2006, he said he has an internal conflict: he, on the one hand, wants me to be "June Cleaver" (like his mom), but he is also very much attracted to the I-don't-give-a-crap, ball-busting attitude that I, Train, used to have. And he said that my "confidence" in that regard is what drew him back THIS time. When I told him, just a few days after BD, that I had sent out an email to former colleagues and received hits on a freelance job within 10 minutes, H PHYSICALLY got excited ... even when he was completely involved with OW.
When asked later about that? He said: "I don't know. I think it was the confidence you showed. You got that 'old Train' back."
So WTH?!? June Cleaver? Or ball-buster?
I can be BOTH. EITHER. I'm happy with EITHER. Or BOTH.
But I'm sitting here, deathly afraid that if I pick the one I love RIGHT NOW (homeschooling my children), H will leave again, and I'll be RIGHT BACK where I was.
Keep in mind: I've been cheated on twice. Also keep in mind: I have ABSOLUTELY NO reason to believe, right now, he'll leave again. He says he is BLISSFULLY happy.
But I'm still walking on eggshells here.
Not necessarily asking for advice ... but maybe for some understanding (?) of where I am in this process? I know I've asked before, but I'll ask again: Am I normal for feeling this way?!? Any suggestions/advice for how to help me work myself out of this tangle?
I wish it were as simple as, "Hey, Train, do what makes YOU happy." It's just not that simple anymore. What makes ME happy is staying home with my kids. But I'm fearful H will leave again. I've gone through this TWICE. I have to think of the pattern of behavior and plan accordingly, right? Or no?
Y'all don't leave me hanging now that it seems I have this DB stuff in the bag ... I will "bump" this SOS question until someone responds. (Actually I might not since that would be rude, but I'm sending up an SOS here! Help, please!) xoxo
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
