Sex was great, then we married part 3

[Maybell]

Grey I haven't commented on your sitch because I have no idea what you're asking for. I have been following it.

I feel like you're on your third thread of saying "I REALLY need a lot more sex and here's why."

I have not been able to identify any other conversation of substance in three threads of loooong posts. No other train of thought except "we're REALLY happy but I need a LOT more sex."

Yet you are heavy on a forum called DIVORCE busting.

So yes, all we know of you is what you write here.

If my marriage were as happy as you claim yours is I would never even have heard of divorce busting.

So what are you hoping people will give you? Love Potion No. Nine doesn't exist or we'd all be fighting over it. What would it look like to you to see this problem solved?

[MrBond]

"None of it is getting through?

I don't get it. Really? Nobody is hearing the good things I've done, plus nobody thinks sex is important ENOUGH to take seriously."

Sigh. Calm down. EVERYONE is hearing about the good things you've done. You go out of your way to make a point of it. Those are great. AND no one said that your sex issue shouldn't be taken seriously.

But what you don't seem to get is that it doesn't seem like you have a sex problem. Your W is going through something and you put most of your effort on the sex even though the rest of your relationship seems to be going great.

"Bond, you focus too much on the words and not enough on what they mean."

Go back and repeat that to yourself. I and others ALL know what you mean. I don't know why you insist that we don't.

"I said "fix" and that's another no-no word for you it sounds like. I'm sorry. I never know when that's going to happen, but I do try to avoid it when I can. "

I didn't say "fix" was a no-no word. But if you've learned anything about how people and especially women work, it's that they don't want to be "fixed". Just validated and heard.

Being a "fixer" is usually a male trait. We see a problem, we try to offer solutions and fix it. That's now how women work. Your W would probably say the same thing as well as the women here.

"Then you said my wife is sick? Again? She has diabetes, not cholera."

YOU were the one who said she had cancer and other health related issues that were a result of medications she was taking. You seem to be minimizing the fact that it seems to be a big thing for her. You don't think it's a big deal, so don't think that it should be a big deal for her.

"If you don't want to help with my problem, don't get mad at me following advice from the creator of the site we're writing on when it comes to talking about people's needs."

That's funny. You know I've been helping people on this site for a very long time in line with what Michele's principles are. I don't think a newb like you should be preaching to the choir.

"Instead, my wife does have problems AND I help her deal with them. It's like you missed the part where I didn't bring up sex or worry about it the entire weekend we enjoyed together too, know what I mean? "

No I didn't miss that. But see, you're expecting to be applauded and praised for not bringing up sex to her for one weekend. It seems like you're "expecting" your W to give you something back in exchange for what you did for her. You don't have anything to prove to us, just prove it to yourself and your W.

Have you noticed how many women have been trying to help you and give you their perspective? That's gold. They are your W and are giving you valuable insight. Yet you insist that they are not seeing your POV. They don't need to. They are seeing things through your W's POV and right now, that's all that matters.

You've got two ears and one mouth so you can listen more than you talk. Try it out for a change.

[Grey]

I want you to do me a favor. Go back and re-read my posts. I feel like a lot was missed. You're projecting onto me is what it feels like, especially when the Aspergers part comes up or you say I'm like your husband, who from what I've read really doesn't sound like me at all and really sounds mean to be honest.

When people say things that ARE wrong though, I say so. Like my wife is sick, comparing her diabetes to a terminal illness.

Maybe it's not really possible to get people to understand US in a forum setting, and maybe it's just my fault anyway for not being able to write enough to make people understand the situation better. It's like people can't understand how a couple can be perfectly happy only one of them just wants to have sex once in a while.

And again with the part about not being in a sex-starved marriage.

I'm not sure how bad our marriage has to be before anyone will agree it's sex-starved, or how long it has to be, or how selfish I sound just for talking about it.

You're asking me to say things I've already said, too. Things I've tried, habbits I've told you I changed. I don't get it. I'll say thanks again, I'm just not sure how many times before you believe it? I've said sincerely thanks. A lot.


So what are you saying to do? Sit down and shut up until my marriage "is" sex-starved? I don't get it. Just be happy with having a marriage that isn't completely broken is what I hear the most here. Maybe my problem seems simple and selfish to everyone BECAUSE their problems are so severe by comparison?


Again, I think it would be a different story if I started over and nobody missed anything. If you can actually picture the things I've changed in your head maybe we could start over, such as therapy and better sleep and not bringing sex up with my wife no matter what. I know she'd be very upset if I were texting and flirting with other women---I'm not judging you for doing that, but it's like that's not the kind of advice I can get here----it's more like I'm doing good and just stay happy and get over sex.

But then that sounds like I'm focusing on sex....so we're back to square one. I'm not sure what to say. It's like having a Ferrari, everything's in perfect shape but the license plate light is out. That's it. The engine is fine. Tires are in good shape. Most people would never notice the issue. But I don't know what else to talk about----the headlights and air conditioning? See what I'm saying? "Be patient." I am! I promise. How long? 6 months, THEN I can officially call it sex-starved and we can talk? See what I mean? It's just tricky, that's all. It's HARD. I MISS it, even if I don't think about it much anymore and don't bring it up with my wife and don't talk to her about it and sincerely do stay busy doing other things and she's happy but just lost her physical love for me.

I guess what I'm really saying is I'm afraid. I'm afraid of month six and what happens when we reach it.

[Grey]

Bond, I do hear the women and appreciate their advice. It's tricky though because they all definitely have sexual appetites from what I've read.

[Grey]

And when I mentioned "fixing" I didn't mean trying to fix her life or problems, I mean and tried to explain that I would be there to help with her problems in any possible way I could, always. I'm not sure what problems were assumed, but from the introduction of the idea all I could think was medical problems----problems out of our control but problems that I could help and that people help their loved ones with, not total loss of libido or finding a new job problems, know what I mean?

[Grey]

Taking the Asperger's test at my therapist's office for example--------that's something I never would have thought of or known to do. I don't have it apparently, or may be borderline, but I did it because you advised me to, know what I mean? That's not the only thing I have thought about, changed, or brought to my therapist explicitly because of information and advice I was graciously given here, but for now, I'm just being patient. It feels like idling in a car waiting for it to stop raining, despite being happy with my W and my M. Waiting [censored], and I don't know how long to wait before asking again about what to do next, that's all. I love your stories and I really do appreciate you talking with me.

[claire7]

Grey,
I can see how you might think I was projecting my issue onto you. I will have to look at my responses to other posters more closely.

I'm sorry my input hasn't been more helpful to you. Best of luck.

[MrBond]

"Bond, I do hear the women and appreciate their advice. It's tricky though because they all definitely have sexual appetites from what I've read."

And you'd be wrong. Not all of them have sexual appetites. In fact, many didn't even think sex was a priority until their spouse left. That's why it's important to UNDERSTAND YOUR SPOUSE on both sides. And even though you say that you appreciate their advice, debate them to the point of sounding as if you're saying that you're right and their wrong. Even though they have the best ins to how your W is probably feeling.

"And when I mentioned "fixing" I didn't mean trying to fix her life or problems, I mean and tried to explain that I would be there to help with her problems in any possible way I could, always. I'm not sure what problems were assumed, but from the introduction of the idea all I could think was medical problems----problems out of our control but problems that I could help and that people help their loved ones with, not total loss of libido or finding a new job problems, know what I mean?"

Sigh. Of course we know what you mean. Why do you keep insisting we don't? YOU were the one who said that there is nothing wrong with trying to "fix" her. But again, that's HER CHOICE. If she feels like she needs your help, she'll ask you. But you constantly get antsy and say that she should be getting help from you or family or professionals, etc. AGAIN, that's NOT your call. That's hers.

[GoatGal]

OK.

Let's call it a "Sex Starved Marriage".

Now what?
-------------------------

Grey,
If you pay no attention to anything else I've said, please pay attention to this:

I agree, participating in therapy is an excellent way to gain insight into ourselves and our actions. It was never really clear to me why you were there, but it's none of my business.

In any case, I do hope you follow up with your therapist about these conversations, because lack of sexual frequency is not the only problem on the table.

If conversations with your W are in any way similar to the ones you've had here, you have much bigger issues to cope with.
There is something you're dealing with that is making this especially difficult for you--whatever that may be.
You're probably not even aware of it.

I'm saying that as kindly as I can and I do not mean to upset you at all. I am saying this from a place of compassion. I hope that comes across.

And if you read back, I have never been condescending or dismissive of you.

Perhaps you missed some of my attempts at humor, but I've only ever tried to help you from my heart.

I hope you can see that because it's the truth.

But I'm all in.

Best of luck to you,

--GG

[Grey]

I'm going to read one of Michele's books again tonight after therapy and taking my W out to dinner, then maybe we can start all over. I don't mean to be defensive, I think we need to start over at square one. Thank you for your help! I'm excited.