She says she's conflicted (part 2)

[Oxford1]

Vets, you give such amazing advice. Some of us really do listen! (and miss you on our threads! hint. hint.)

Oxford, I have to be honest, it's frustrating to read (and re-read, and re-read) how the vets give you advice, which you misunderstand or ignore, rinse and repeat. For months. They have spent a lot of time on your threads and given you amazing feedback.

Have you tried meditation or yoga or biofeedback or medication to control your emotions and spiraling thoughts? Can you set a goal of using the wonderful advice you've been given here for just *one* day?

In your next post, can you tell the people following your thread about one thing you tried (doesn't matter how well it worked) based on advice you got here?

Good luck.

Trying to figure out how I know you.

I am really focusing on controlling my Anxieties. I have realized this week that my biggest issue is my Anxiety. That I always over react or over think due to my anxieties.

This weekend I am going to work some more with the BioFeedback device I purchased.
Tomorrow morning is going to be the first real test of the new Steve.

I will have to really really control my mouth and my anxieties and act out of love of myself and my own self-respect.

[KenF]

there comes a point where you have to avoid all boards, give yourself a break, distract yourself, GAL, regroup. Use the boards, but dont let them replace your real life.

[Oxford1]

there comes a point where you have to avoid all boards, give yourself a break, distract yourself, GAL, regroup. Use the boards, but dont let them replace your real life.

I agree !

My head is spinning not from DB!

From most if the other boards. Especially the discussions on my son and threatening my WW with divorce. That will not work for her.
She has said she will drop me and OP if push comes to shove.

I am really focusing on becoming the kind of husband no woman would ever want to leave.

[25yearsmlc]

"You have some serious personal work to do and if you had done it before, maybe you would not be here. \"

This Is exactly what the Relationship Coach told me. She said the changes she noticed in me and the WW notices had I made them years ago, there would never have been an OM!

Which means OM is not the issue. Your work is. Focus only on YOUR WORK. Do you get that? I mean it, b/c I posted A LOT to you and I feel as if it went in one ear and out the other. Fwiw I can't spend that much time on a post if it is wasted and that's not a threat but just an observation.

so, What are you DOING to show that you are different? It's one thing to know what NOT to do, but a whole other thing to learn how healthy people react to stress. In other words, what TO do.

You seem to know you are not to blurt out in anger (though you still do rather frequently) but you do not know or have any positive married role models around.

You need some and you need new tools for communicating and in my opinion,

I think you need a new thought pattern. You come off as very negative and suspicious which is usually insecurity.

I suggest one easy and small thing to do is watch the TED TALK videos by Shawn Achor and Amy Cuddy. One is on positive psychology and how we say or view things really changes our lives

and Amy Cuddy's is on "faking it til you Become it" and both talks are about 20 minutes and interestingly presented and on youtube.

It's a start. I think if you start to follow some new behaviors rather than waiting to feel differently, the behaviors will do some of that for you. In other words you ca change how you feel inside by what you do outside, at times.

Otherwise we wait and wait for 'internal inspiration" to make the changes we need and that leads us to being stuck. Inertia is powerful and overcoming that, is a big part of our journey.

Check out those videos and let me know what you think. Feel free to reflect here on what you think you are hearing b/c I'd like to know if something is reaching you at a deep enough level.

Understand?

[Oxford1]

"You have some serious personal work to do and if you had done it before, maybe you would not be here. \"

This Is exactly what the Relationship Coach told me. She said the changes she noticed in me and the WW notices had I made them years ago, there would never have been an OM!

Which means OM is not the issue. Your work is. Focus only on YOUR WORK. Do you get that? I mean it, b/c I posted A LOT to you and I feel as if it went in one ear and out the other. Fwiw I can't spend that much time on a post if it is wasted and that's not a threat but just an observation.

so, What are you DOING to show that you are different? It's one thing to know what NOT to do, but a whole other thing to learn how healthy people react to stress. In other words, what TO do.

You seem to know you are not to blurt out in anger (though you still do rather frequently) but you do not know or have any positive married role models around.

You need some and you need new tools for communicating and in my opinion,

I think you need a new thought pattern. You come off as very negative and suspicious which is usually insecurity.

I suggest one easy and small thing to do is watch the TED TALK videos by Shawn Achor and Amy Cuddy. One is on positive psychology and how we say or view things really changes our lives

and Amy Cuddy's is on "faking it til you Become it" and both talks are about 20 minutes and interestingly presented and on youtube.

It's a start. I think if you start to follow some new behaviors rather than waiting to feel differently, the behaviors will do some of that for you. In other words you ca change how you feel inside by what you do outside, at times.

Otherwise we wait and wait for 'internal inspiration" to make the changes we need and that leads us to being stuck. Inertia is powerful and overcoming that, is a big part of our journey.

Check out those videos and let me know what you think. Feel free to reflect here on what you think you are hearing b/c I'd like to know if something is reaching you at a deep enough level.

Understand?

I so agree with you. What I realized it was like an epiphany was that I was looking for a magic bullet to help me win my WW back and chase the OM off. The magic bullet is me.
I need to make changes in who and what I am and these changes are all that I can control.
The past few days have been very peaceful. I am acting as if nothing is going on to me the wife going to meet OM has been relegated to going to meet a girlfriend.

I really focused on work this past week as well as myself preservation.
While I was out working I visited a couple of friends for lunch that happen to live near where my clients are located .
We talked about their lives and I never once discussed my situation.

I even took my mother to dinner and when she brought up my life and my WW I only talked about the family and the kids.

Don't think that your wasting your time do me that favor. I need as much support for the next two weeks and three weekends. This is the test god has handed me.

If I can really follow the 180 during this period and watch my anger and insecurities I believe that I will come out a better man on the other end.

[Maybell]

25, do you have a book recommendation for how healthy people respond to stress? Because while I feel like I've gotten a lot of things under control I'd like to move to the next level of zen in the face of chaos.

Thanks, and sorry to hijack, Ox.

[Oxford1]

25, do you have a book recommendation for how healthy people respond to stress? Because while I feel like I've gotten a lot of things under control I'd like to move to the next level of zen in the face of chaos.

Thanks, and sorry to hijack, Ox.

Quite ok ...especially since it probably benefits all if us!

I am definitely stressing a little this weekend. But I am really trying to not let it frustrate or anger me.

I think I am handling it better than I have in a long long time.

[Oxford1]

So the wife is in her date. I had no idea and did not care where she went she texted me to say where she was and that he was leaving soon and would be a little later then our agreed upon time.

I knew this would happen the first day because I figured OM would give her some grief about her wanting to leave and come home every day.

I am in a mixes place , I am glad she texted me and kept me up to date and volunteered where she was, but I also feel she violated her promise if trying to be home by 6.
I guess I will follow DR advice and choose my battles and this one is not worth it.

[Oxford1]

So the wife is in her date. I had no idea and did not care where she went she texted me to say where she was and that he was leaving soon and would be a little later then our agreed upon time.

I knew this would happen the first day because I figured OM would give her some grief about her wanting to leave and come home every day.

I am in a mixes place , I am glad she texted me and kept me up to date and volunteered where she was, but I also feel she violated her promise if trying to be home by 6.
I guess I will follow DR advice and choose my battles and this one is not worth it.

I was debating asking her to move into the guest room especially while OM was here. I was going to ask not tell.

When I woke up this morning she was already sleeping in there.
She said that she feels bad that she has been lying to OM. She Rolf him she's not sharing a he's with me and refuses to share one with him.

She felt it only fair to not sleep in our bed while he is here in the USA.

I am not going to get into any discussion on this topic.
She was the one that volunteered what she did and why she got home late.

My only confusion comes from that she hugged and kissed me before she left yesterday and now is acting like I am her brother.

My course if action will be to be this way in return.
I feel if I don't ask questions and act as calm as possible while he is here and let her make her own decisions on moving back to our bedroom.

The decision that I really am going to have to plan for is if I find out she is making plans to see him in person again especially after she had said she was going to tell him they could not meet up again for a long time maybe never..,that is when I will have to go in The Last Resort option.

Oh I read almost the entire DR again yesterday. It's amazing how much information I missed the first time I read it it was an eye opener.

[Oxford1]

there comes a point where you have to avoid all boards, give yourself a break, distract yourself, GAL, regroup. Use the boards, but dont let them replace your real life.

So this morning I read some comments on my thread in another board.
It ends up planting seeds
So while we were at the Gym she starts rushing me.
I know she's rushing me so she can go on her little lunch date with OM
This always gets me and we start discussing our relationship etc.

This is bad the gym is about us

I am just wondering if I should cut out all activities with her while OM is in town
She already moved into her girl/cave and out of theMaster bedroom for now.