I think I've been holding so much in and hanging onto reconciliation so tightly that I neglected my feelings by trying too hard.
I think I need to keep working on staying relaxed. That's hard for me because I'm such a fixer (typical guy). When something's broken, I feel uncomfortable until it's fixed.
I spoke to my mom tonight and she gave me an excellent quote I would like to share with you guys and gals. I hope you can take something from it like I did.
Thornton I am also having a bad one...W is in vegas and I cant help but think...plus our annual vacation on Saturday and for the first time in 15 years I am not going...just like that...poof daddy isn't going anymore. Anyways I decided to give myself this day to feel these emmotions and deal with them, for tomorrow is another day to continue my DB...on a good note..didn't text W today or call her. Im here for ya buddy!!!! stay strong!!
Me: 42 W: 39 D: 2 age 6 and 9 D-Day: Dec 29 13 Seperated: 3/20/14 Mediation retainer : 5/20/14 She filed: 06/25/14
I've been thinking about the 4th of July. Last year WAW and I had such a blast together. I remember her posting a pic of us on Facebook with the quote "I love my life".
I know I need to thought stop when it comes to stuff like that but sometimes it sneaks through into my mind.
Glad to hear you didn't text your WAW today. That's a baby step worth celebrating. Keep going, my friend.
Ok you two. As much as it may feel good to have a day to get your emotions out, it is not in the direction you both need to go. Detach detach detach. I get it as much as anyone the hurt and pain you both are in. My W is up in the mountains with my kids and her family. A trip I should be on. And to be flat honest, I did not give it a seconds worth of thought except for the time it took me to type it right here. Sure I would be there if it was up to me, but it is not. I know my kids are having a great time and that is good enough for me. I really wish you both could enjoy the calm I feel right now which comes from detaching. I cannot stress enough how much better my daily life and routine has gotten since.
Thornton, next time you feel like having a meltdown, force yourself to do something else. Force yourself to focus on doing something else, talking to someone else (not R related) or anything to keep from having those emotional outbreaks. Because when you do have them, and you feel better, you will want to have them again to feel better. Find something else which makes you feel better and is more productive to your DB efforts.
You can do it buddy...keep at it!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
One thing that I feel I can be pretty happy with myself about, is that I managed to find people from whom I could get comfort, and the chance to talk and think about other things. It's one thing to will yourself to not feel certain things, and start detaching more effectively, but if you can get some help from a safe place, even better.
For instance, I went to the world's biggest music festival (I think) with a friend that I hadn't had much contact with for YEARS. We hardly talked about the breakup. I just downloaded a bit of my story on people of the group when they asked about what my wife was up to during the weekend. But other than that, just fun (OK I did have a breakdown on my own on the first day, but there was no one else there and I made the mistake of having a few beers while watching a couple of bands that turned out to be crappy - frustration got the better of me).
Anyway, this isn't a boast or anything, just something to illustrate how old friends can surprise you. Some will be awkward or aloof, but I wouldn't hesitate to reach out for a chat, even if they're people you don't see that much anymore. I was floored at the support I got, and I don't think I'm that exceptional.
After all, we are all too busy to keep up with people, and we all resent it. Even if they're married; who knows if a good buddy won't use you as a reason to go on a boys' trip?
Just thoughts, about something that's really working for me (so far). I still have plenty of work to do on my own, by myself, but I have plenty of time for that too.
Hang in there man
Last edited by Mat; 07/01/1403:23 PM.
M:37 W:38 No kids Together since 2006, Married since 2010 EA discovered 06/07/2014 W moved out 06/08/2014
I'm going to offer a slightly different perspective. This is not about worry or rumination but about the pain of this situation we've all found ourselves in.
Sometimes we end up here because we stuffed our feelings and didn't want to deal with the uncomfortable stuff. We couldn't just sit with it, take what it had to teach us and then let it go.
So we searched out "things" to make us feel better or ignored what was really happening,hoping it would just go away.
I believe in GAL as much as anyone but we also have to take care of ourselves by allowing the opportunity to grieve, to process emotions, to realize that this is a big deal.
To learn what our uncomfortable feelings have to teach us.
That doesn't mean you live your life an sobbing mess in the corner but on those days when you find yourself there, accept without judgment that it's a part of the process, give yourself some time, figure out what you're really feeling (the hard part) and then let it go. Our emotions are here to tell us something, give us guideposts.
“Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape -- all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can't stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.”~Pema Chodron
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Bringing this over from your old thread as I didn't see that you started a new one.
Thorn,
You cannot go completely dark on W. That is not the sole purpose of DBing. Do what works and monitor. You don't want to appear pursuing W.
In my case, the last time Ms. Wonka and I exchanged texts was back in late March. I plan to send her a simple "Hope you have a wonderful 4th Weekend. Bring on the sparklers! Game on! Have fun!" this week. And leave it at that with zero expectations.
Everyone has been telling me to stay dark. Do not contact WAW, let her come to me.
You're saying I should drop little friendly messages occasionally.
WAW has reached out a few times via text. My dad thinks she was trying to establish communication because she was friendly and asking questions. I kept it light and ended the conversations but never initiated anything with her. My dad thinks I'm sending the message that I don't care anymore and that SHE should move on.
