I really don't know what to think anymore. My entire marital history...my entire world...has been redefined. It is not what I thought it was.
We are now up to 9 people my wife has cheated on me with dating back to the first year of our marriage up until September of this year.
Everything...almost everything I thought I knew about our relationship has turned out to be a lie. All the nights she was going out to bars, promising that she wasn't doing anything when I wasn't there that she wouldn't do if I was... Lies. 9 people she has cheated on me with...and admits to countless others that she made herself available to. Going home with them. Sex acts in their cars. We actually went to one of the small corner bars together where she had become a regular and was meeting some of these guys, and I know now what the looks that I was getting from the 2 bartenders meant. They knew what was up. They knew she was married and what she had been doing and they couldn't believe she was in there with me, the husband.
I don't know what to think anymore. This is a level of insanity I was never prepared for.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Thanks... To her credit (I suppose), W admits as much herself. That there is something wrong with her. Something deeply wrong.
Amidst the devastation...and I am indeed devastated, there is a small sliver of another feeling... almost...relief. Relief that I'm not nuts...not paranoid...that what I sensed all along has turned out to be true.
But the level of lying and deceit and manipulation to keep me in the dark and complacent...it's almost too much to wrap my head around.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
I don't want to make any long-term decisions right now, that's for sure. But W says she is remorseful and full of regret and doesn't want to leave/separate/divorce any more. Things got so bad a week or so ago that I had to call 911 and she was taken to the hospital for a psych evaluation.
We are still in MC, and she is seeing a new IC that specializes in EMDR therapy. W says she is disgusted with herself, that she feels like a monster, that she knows what a liar and a manipulator she has been not only with me and but for pretty much her entire life and that she doesn't want to be that person any more. It all certainly seems genuine...but how to tell? Is this just more manipulation? How could I ever be certain? Or ever trust her again?
I know I love her... but I don't know that I could ever recover from this. Do couples ever come back from something this extensive? I have no experience with anything as deep and dark as this. This goes beyond "run-of-the-mill" cheating/infidelity. MC and IC have suggested possible sex addiction and/or attachment/personality disorder. I have no idea if these potential diagnoses (assuming they're even accurate...maybe W is just an @ssh0le and I've been duped for 12 years by her) can be overcome within the context of a relationship/marriage. Am I crazy for even wondering?
Part of me says run and don't look back. Part of says I meant my vows when I made them... and the biggest part of me wants to figure out what is best here for our children.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Just be patient. Her willingness to seek therapy is a good step, and seems genuine from an outside perspective. You dont have to decide how you feel forever, today.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Wondering if anyone here has any experience with/knowledge of sex addiction. Not sure what to think about this potential diagnosis... Reading the descriptions, a lot of it certainly seems to describe my W. The double life, the rationalization and manipulation and sense of entitlement particularly.
W does seem genuinely upset/disgusted/remorseful/guilty. She said me busting her is the first time she has ever had to confront who she is and what she's done, and it's been earth-shattering for her. I'm afraid that no matter how genuine she is, if this is truly sex addiction (which seems a bit of a misnomer for her, because it seems less about the sex than the attention), than as with any addiction I may be in for more lying/manipulation/covering up even if we stay together and work on this both in IC and in MC. Or that this is just how W is wired sexually, and that sex in a committed relationship will never be able to satisfy the urge to act out sexually... that the taboo of cheating and illicit sex is just what gets her off... That sex in the context of marriage and kids and bills and life stress will never compare with the fantasy bubble of "hooking up".
Just don't know where to go from here yet.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Stumps, I have no first-hand knowledge of sex addiction, but I am friends with a woman whose H has been diagnosed as a sex addict. He is a pediatrician and was having sex with the mothers of his patients for years. It's been a year since the whole thing was revealed and somehow they are still together. I do know he's said some incredibly hurtful things to her (I wish you had died in that car accident), and yet they carry on. It's possible, but whether it's what you want or not is an entirely different story.
I do know he's said some incredibly hurtful things to her (I wish you had died in that car accident), and yet they carry on.
Uh...Wow... I guess it's not entirely relevant, but any idea what that's about? Did he say that (and the other hurtful stuff) after his diagnosis, or was that how he was before? My W has never said anything like that, that's for sure.
My W has said she is terrified I won't be able to get over her betrayal, and that even if I say I'll stay now, she knows I might wake up months from now and say that I just can't do it. She says she knows she would deserve it, but that she is committed to changing no matter what because she doesn't want to live that way anymore...for herself and for our kids, even if she can't save our marriage. She said me catching her was a blessing in disguise, because she can't imagine continuing to live her life the way she was living it and in fact could picture herself winding up dead if she doesn't change.
I don't know... It's not even that I necessarily doubt her sincerity (although part of me does)...I just worry that no matter how sincere she is, if this is truly an addiction than it will have all the hallmarks of an addiction--which means I have to plan on relapses, and continued deception...having to be on my toes all the time. I love her... but I don't know if I have it in me anymore to be and do what it's going to take. I want to be there for her, if she's being for real about her guilt and wanting to change, but I'm not even sure what "being there for her" looks like anymore.
Last edited by stumps; 10/15/1407:17 PM.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
