WAW...Again, Part III

[stumps]

Does that help?

It does. I think I'm pretty keenly aware of the dynamic... I did all sorts of stuff for W to show my love and affection, the problem was it wasn't the right stuff. She appreciated that I did my fair share of the housework and child care for example, or that I maintained her car and did house repairs. These were all things that I did thinking it showed her how much I cared about her. But what she needed was for me to set aside time for just the two of us, to make plans for date nights, etc. She appreciated all the stuff I did do, but she had a whole other set of "love needs" that weren't being met. And because I did all that other stuff, W tried to tell herself that the unmet needs weren't that important...that she should be thankful for what she did have and not ask for anything else. The end result of that was a bunch of stifled discontent and resentment that she kept to herself until it metastasized. Those unmet needs have been the big "relationship 180s" I've implemented in the past few months.

The expectations thing has been a bit harder to wrestle with. It's definitely difficult not to let the "If W felt _____, then she would ____" type of thinking set in.

[Maybell]

I felt exactly like your wife. Appreciating what H does isn't about ignoring my unmet needs; it's about putting myself in a position to assume love so I can be more constructive about explaining my needs.

[stumps]

I felt exactly like your wife. Appreciating what H does isn't about ignoring my unmet needs; it's about putting myself in a position to assume love so I can be more constructive about explaining my needs.

Hmmm... I'm kind of surprised you weren't the WAS in your situation then! Or that you hadn't thought about it at least. There was some other stuff at work in my sitch, but the main one for my WAW seems to be that she went so long trying to accept what she was getting and ignoring/not asking for what she truly wanted that it ended up poisoning her entire view of the marriage.

Now we're in a situation where I more fully understand her needs, and she is more able to articulate them. Our communication is so much better, and we're both doing what we can to meet each other's needs as we understand them. The "unfortunately" in my situation is that despite this progress...despite what my wife describes as our marriage being "all but perfect" the past couple of months, there hasn't been much change in her emotional state...there is an emotional aspect/connection that for her got killed and has yet to return, although in the weeks leading up to the trip she is currently on those feelings seemed to be coming back a little bit.

Journaling a little bit here... I am wrestling quite a bit with "expectations"...and hope/fear. Regarding this trip my W is currently on, things between W and I had been going so well in the weeks leading up to it that I allowed it to feed into my hopes and fears about what would happen when she was gone. My hope was that she would go on this trip and miss me, helping her to realize that ending this marriage isn't truly what she wants. My fear was that she would go on the trip and not miss me at all, helping her to realize that ending the marriage is what she wants. This leads me to engage in all sorts of mental gymnastics as I look for evidence one way or the other... evidence that could only be gleaned from what have only been two very brief phone calls that we've had since she's been gone. But the self-defeatist, negative part of me says "see, she hardly wants to talk to you, she's being cold and distant on the phone, she's realizing she doesn't miss you and doesn't want to be with you...".

To my credit, W knows none of this line of thinking on my part because I've managed to keep it to myself. But whether she's aware of it or not, I know it's not doing me any good. It's falling into that trap of "If W felt/thought ______, then she would be doing/saying ______". The rational part of me knows I have no idea what she is thinking or feeling...certainly not based on our brief phone interactions. But the irrational part of me chimes in with "if she was missing you she would say so, if she loved you she would tell you".

On the up-side: I haven't been contacting W at all; I'm letting her contact me while she's gone and will continue to do so. Our calls have been short, I've been upbeat during them, and I've been keeping busy while she and the kids are gone so W knows I haven't been sitting around twiddling my thumbs in her absence.

I've done a great job of keeping my mental battles hidden from W... I think where I need to make some real progress is in not engaging in those battles in the first place. The outward appearance of peace of mind is great...but I need to develop some real inner-peace of mind for my own sake.

It sounds kind of cheesy... but I read somewhere else on these forums someone saying they kind of imagine what would James Bond do or say in a given situation...and that oddly enough has been some help to me... I've never really given the guy much thought before, but he's the epitome of the cool, calm, stoic man that seems to view so much with a sort of mild bemusement. One could do worse than to adopt a demeanor/outlook like that.

[stumps]

Journaling...

So I ask myself... "What am I afraid of?"

And the answer is, "I am afraid my W will return from this trip with the realization that she did not miss me while she was gone, thus re-affirming in her mind that separation and divorce is the right path for her."

This is the fear.

[labug]

James Bond was also alcohol-dependent with little to no respect for women. So while I get cool, calm and collected leave the rest.

(no offense Mr Bond)

About the rest of your post-when your mind starts giving you doubts, turn it off. You know how to do that. Our minds give us lots of false messages, the problem is we believe the negative a lot more than the positive. Remind yourself of that. Live in the now.

I think it might be nice if you texted her at some point just asking how things are going in a very honest and heartfelt way. I don't remember what they're doing but going on a trip with a 10 and 8 year old can be a challenge, no matter what they're doing. There's always drama.

I think marriage vows should include "taking care of our home and children is not about what I do to help you or what you do to help me. It's what we do as an act of love for our family."

[stumps]

James Bond was also alcohol-dependent with little to no respect for women. So while I get cool, calm and collected leave the rest.

(no offense Mr Bond)

LOL! Indeed!

I think it might be nice if you texted her at some point just asking how things are going in a very honest and heartfelt way. I don't remember what they're doing but going on a trip with a 10 and 8 year old can be a challenge, no matter what they're doing. There's always drama.

W traveled with the kids and her mom to a semi-family reunion--her mom and her mom's sisters get together once a year. Sometimes assorted other family members attend but it's a very female/matriarchy/sisters-oriented type of thing. I thought about doing something like you suggested... I guess what has held me back is that there has been so little contact from W (and what contact there has been was very brief...almost curt) that I don't want to appear as pursuing if she is pulling back a little bit. During the good times of our marriage, when W went away on a trip I would typically get a phone call each day from her just to check in and say hi and catch up on the day. There hasn't been any of that this time and while I know this is an assumption on my part, I guess my sense has been that she is using this trip as an opportunity to get some distance from our sitch... and I guess I've been wondering if there's a little bit of a test in there for me...to see if she can go away and I can be on my own without having to keep in "constant" contact.

I guess what it boils down to is fear again. The fear that she doesn't want to hear from me, the fear that she doesn't want to have to get in touch or respond.

But I guess if I act from a place of loving kindness, with no expectations, than how she interprets it and how she chooses to respond/not respond is on her.

So what if I texted something like "Hey, just wanted to check in and see how everyone was doing. I know even with all the extra help you have at your disposal, being with the kids full-time for a week straight can be a handful! Looks and sounds like everyone is having a great time though. So happy you guys were able to take this trip! Give my regards to everyone...and if you think to, I would love it if you said an extra thanks to Ingrid for me for flying the kids out there. I'm so glad they were able to do this."

Thought about adding at the end "Miss you guys" and/or "Can't wait to see you all when you get home." But maybe just leave that out?

I think marriage vows should include "taking care of our home and children is not about what I do to help you or what you do to help me. It's what we do as an act of love for our family."

Agreed, 100%!

[labug]

What a lovely time that must be!

Only text if you can have ZERO expectation and that a less than effusive response from her won't send you in a tailspin.

"Thinking about you guys, miss the kids, hoping they're making you proud," or something in that vein.

Nothing that she has to respond to.

And don't do it if it doesn't feel right to you.

[stumps]

Yes, I'm sure they're having a great time. Her family is a ton of fun to hang out with...albeit a little overwhelming in large doses.

So I texted "Thinking about you guys. Looks and sounds like everyone is having a great time! So happy you guys were able to take this trip! Give my regards to everyone, and if you think to I'd love it if you said an extra thanks to Ingrid for flying the kids out. I miss them a ton but I'm so glad they were able to go!"

So... no expectations. Any response is fine. No response is fine too, since nothing I wrote requires a response.

I have to remind myself that one of my meditations these past couple of months has been "what is the kind thing to do...what would a considerate person do?" It isn't about what I get in return, it's about what type of person I want to be. In fact, in a way, no response or a less-than-effusive response shows that I can be kind and considerate even when I don't get something out of it, so...all the better.

[stumps]

Well, no response from W...but that's ok. No expectations. It was a nice gesture on my part no matter what.

It is funny though, looking over our text history from the past couple of weeks, there is an unmistakable contrast between then and now. In the past couple of weeks her texts are full of "Can't wait to hang out with you" "Miss your company" and kissy-lips emojis. Now... nothing.

But to quote a saying I'm not to fond of, but find myself repeating a lot these days... It is what it is.

What does have me feeling a little wonky though is what I found today as I was submitting our counseling statements to the insurance company. W apparently forgot (or maybe she wanted me to find it) that on the back of one of hers, her therapist had written for her what was essentially a script on how to break it to the kids that we were getting divorced. It was dated about a month and a half ago, which would have been after W said she wanted to stay in the house and work on her stuff and get used to the new me, and pretty much at the height of things going well between us.

I'm not even sure it's the script itself that bothers me... I think it's more the fact that it was written by her therapist. In the 8 years W has been seeing this therapist, the therapist has done almost nothing to offer practical advice or resources for W to work on her issues (W has identified codependency as chief among them). Her therapist hasn't even recommended a book to read or anything, and W has commented on and complained about it several times, lamenting that her therapist is a good listener but doesn't do much to help her address and "fix" her problems the way my therapist does, and my IC has even done more as far as offering reading suggestions and support groups etc for W. So... it bothers me. Bothers me that her therapist is apparently a sympathetic ear but has barely lifted a finger in other regards, yet here she is writing out for W what she should say to the kids.

The other thing that kind of knocked me off center today was a conversation I had with our neighbor. She currently has a friend of her husband living in their basement apartment. The friend is going through a divorce himself, and when I asked her how long he was planning on living with them she said "Hopefully not too long, for his sake. Not if he's planning on moving on and dating again because I don't know any woman that would want to date a 40-something year old man who was living in the basement of his friend's house." Kind of hit me in the gut, because that's basically the prospect I'm looking at if I want to continue living near the kids...particularly if I want to stay in their school district. This city is so god-d@mn expensive I could never afford to live here or even near-by on my own. Realistically, if I want to stay close to the kids, I'm looking at renting a room in someone's house. Otherwise, to afford my own place I'm looking at moving pretty darn far away.

[labug]

Move back inside your head