Saw W and kids off at the airport this morning. House seems empty without them already. Reminding myself how fortunate I am that this is merely a week-long vacation for them, given that just a couple of months ago W was saying she was moving out. For all I know she's still planning to, but she hasn't left yet so... Where are we now? W has said she wanted stay in the house while she got accustomed to the new me and while she worked on some things herself, to see if either would lead to a change of her heart/mind.
I've definitely seeing some positive signs... some displays of affection here and there, occasional comments that pertain to us still being together in the future. W has definitely been running hot/cold (actually, more like warm/cold but warm is just fine right now!), so I've been learning to accept what she gives when she's warm and reciprocate, and to give her all the space she seems to want/need when she's cold. We've been having some really good times going out together and here at home with friends/neighbors, which has been a big 180 in our relationship.
I hadn't talked about it in the days leading up to their trip, but I did tell her last night when we were in bed that I was going to miss her a ton when she and the kids were gone. She said she was going to miss me too, and then curled up next to me and later asked me to massage her to sleep. This morning I saw her and the kids off at the terminal curb, where we hugged and kissed and told each other "I love you". We've said that a couple of times in the past week... first time in months. Just going to take it at face value though...a good sign, but not one that means she's changed her mind or that I can start resting on my laurels...not by a long shot.
In addition to the stuff I'm doing to keep myself busy while she and the kids are gone, I think one of my goals for the week should be to not be the one to contact W but rather to let her be the one to contact me if she wants to while they're gone. Part of me already wants to text and see how the flight went and how everyone is doing (particularly as this was the kids' first time flying), but I figure if she wants to hear from me she won't hesitate to get in touch, and I know she'll encourage the kids to call me if they start missing me or getting homesick at any point, so I'm guessing the best thing I can do is lay low and focus on myself here at home.
Can't say I'm not hoping that this week apart will give her an opportunity to miss me...
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
You seem to be doing well and handled yourself well for the send off. Keep it up. I would definitely let her do the contacting. She will miss you, so let her be the one to reach out.
Good luck!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Thanks! I appreciate the good vibes. I've definitely had some slip-ups and setbacks, but overall I think I've been doing pretty well... definitely positive changes in my life are evident even if in the end W doesn't change her mind and I can't save our marriage.
I'm slowly arriving at a place where I'm no longer concerned too much about myself; much more concerned about how the kids would handle things... On good days I feel pretty strong and know that despite some dark days I would ultimately be ok if W and I can't make this work. But I sure as heck wouldn't want to put the kids through the wringer. Hoping as long as I keep keeping-on it won't come to that.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Got a brief phone call from W when their plane landed in the evening yesterday. Kept it short and sweet. Asked how the kids handled their first flight (they loved it!) and how long of a drive until they reached the "luxury cabin" where they're staying (a two to three hour drive on top of the flight they just took, ugh!). W said she'd have the kids call around bedtime and we left it that, ending with "I'll talk to you later". Got a few texts from W during their drive, with pics of the mountains/scenery.
Didn't hear from W or the kids later that night, but I'm assuming with the jet lag/time difference, a super long day, and all the hustle and bustle involved with having all the relatives around, everyone was probably pretty wiped out and/or caught up in the fun of having so much of the family together in one place, so I'm not taking it personally. I of course always want to hear from the kids, but I'm just going to give W and them all the time and space to have fun and do their thing while I'm at home doing mine.
I've been thinking that although W has initiated some affection here and there, the couple of times we've said "I love you" to each other in the last two weeks it's been initiated by me. Thinking about DBing and the babysteps/small signs of positive change, I think I should lay off saying "I love you" and just continue to let my actions speak for themselves. W knows I love her, and I think a positive sign for me will be her initiating saying it to me.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Try to do that while she's away and see if it makes a difference in you.
Once again...words to live by.
One thing I've noticed I do when I'm not "minding my mind" so to speak, is that I will think along the lines of "Well, if W loved me she would _______ " or "If W wanted to be with me she would _______". Then I fill in those blanks with the things I would do or say to let someone know I loved and wanted to be with them, without taking into account that those aren't necessarily the same things W would do to show those feelings. And what's more, they can just as easily be things about which I've never said "Hey, these are the things that I like and that I take as signs of your love/desire to be with me." There's just this inaccurate assumption along the lines of "hey, this is what I like and they're pretty common sense so if this person loved me it would just come to them naturally."
We (or at least I) can so easily attribute inaccurate feelings and thoughts to another person's behavior. People really do speak their own languages when it comes to how they give and receive love... and we all (or at least I) use our own "coding scheme" when we're trying to decipher someone else's feelings and behavior... I think this is where so many of us (or at least I) can run into trouble...
The frustrating thing is, how else are you supposed to figure out what's going on with someone else? I think that's one of the places where "Don't overthink. Have no expectations. Don't take anything personally." really shows its value. That, and learning not to spend too much time trying to figure out what's going with someone else in the first place. Learning how to foster open communication and mutual respect is probably more key than trying to get inside someone else's head...
Last edited by stumps; 07/01/1404:11 PM.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
We do all look at the world through our particular lens based on all our past experiences and that's what leads us down a lot of those cheeseless tunnels.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Stumps, I'm new to your thread and haven't read your whole sitch yet, but talking about reading someone else's language for giving love... My H has been making dinners for me a lot of weekends when he's in town. For a long, long time I saw that as a kind of criticism -- that he was doing it because he didn't like the way I cook, or that I was inadequate because I didn't make the kinds of meals he prefers. But now we're separated I've come to realize that he was doing those things when he didn't HAVE to. Out of generosity. So I appreciate it a lot more and don't see it as a criticism. And that opens me to the possibility that he's doing it as a gift. Which leads me to see other things without expectations, also as acts of generosity. And so now I see him just a little bit differently than I did before. This isn't about associating him making me a meal with the idea of reconciling... just recognizing that he did something he wasn't required to do, just because he wanted to do it.
Does that help?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
