advice please - yesterday was my birthday and I took my kids out of town for a few days. he texted in the morning to say happy birthday and some generic conversation about the hotel - very short. Then I saw he signed the card from the kids - and he bought the gift cards - then he asked my son if i liked the card. Generic I know and I am reading too much into it I am sure. I find myself grasping for any signs of hope again - I hate it when i do that. He texted early this am about something very generic - had a few lined back and forth and that was it. That is the first time he has texted anything other than something to do with the kids. Does it mean anything or am I just in a weak moment again??
No expectations tuff. if you haven't read the sandi's rules in the newcomers section, go check that out. This takes years, educate yourself and read everything you can. Keep posting, sometimes there are slow responses but it's still a good place to journal and that is important to vent your feelings. take care
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
Thanks everyone. Just a little update - I feel the tide turning just a little bit - not sure why - don't care really. And I am talking about myself - not him. I think I am really starting to make movement forward. After my birthday I definitely fell back a few steps - i mean bad - sobbing and crap all over again. Then - i just feel different. I have decided that life is too short and I am worth more than that to go on that way. I am really starting to act as if. I have had a fabulous time lately going out for dinner parties with old friends, yoga, making new friends at work, making plans for a girls weekend and a trip to the NE in the fall. I am starting to feel alive again. I have the best time with my kids that I often stay up way too late just to be with them. At first I took it so personally when he wanted the kids - now I just want to know ahead of time so I can make plans myself. I still have moments of tearing up when I hear a certain song or something. He still seems horribly depressed and unable to think clearly - like when I mention something it seems it takes him a moment for it to sink in. He texted something yesterday about being so stressed out right now. I just ignored it. I am trying to be polite and friendly but sometimes I just can't - like with that statement - really??? I have been beyond stressed out for months. He still seems like such a stranger to me. He still wears his ring as do I - he came to the house and mowed today. He gets angry if he doesn't know everything that is going on with the kids but he doesn't say anything to me just says stuff to my D like - "that's the first I heard of that". Sorry - that's what happens when you no longer live in the house or communicate like a grown up. Then it's like he wants my approval for things - he asked my son if I got the bday card and did i like it - he asked my D if I liked the shoes he bought her and then said good. He looks really bad - he is so skinny and I know he is walking every night. He sent me a picture from the walking trail the other night - out of the blue - strange. They just say things that have no meaning - he told me he was going somewhere with his mom and sister - ok - don't care. Anyway - bottom line is I still go back and forth about saving my marriage and just being done with it all. I keep thinking that if done properly this may be the start to the best phase of my life while it is the start to the worst of his. At times I feel really sad about it and then mad and then just nothing. It would be so much easier if we didn't know they struggle themselves.
I got your message on my post and just read up on yours. You are right, we do have a bit of a similiar sitch. I am not sure I am good with advice, but I can tell you what helped me in the last year. Here is my say based on my own mistakes I have made and learned from in this wonderful roller coaster of a situation:
Don't assume there is someone else or treat him as if there is someone else unless you know for a fact. Don't snoop, it can lead to false assumptions and anxiety. The truth always comes out.
Sounds like you are looking at yourself, which is great. I took the spotlight off H and put it on me and wow, did I see some needed changes. I still do things that annoy myself, but I am catching them and working on them. It's hard, oh so hard, to change direction of that spotlight, but it really helps.
I strive to be the me I really like. The me before the stress of marriage, kids, work responsibilities.... I want to look at myself and think, I would like to hang out with her. Try being that person any man would be attracted to. Upbeat, funny, mysterious and loving. I have gotten the best vibe and feedback from my H since I started being that girl again.
It looks like you are new in this, so I know it takes time to get your bearings. I totally spun out of control for a good 3 to 4 months after BD. It's been a year for me and I am just getting my feet more steady. Be patient with your self, allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, just work on the reactions. Focus on your kiddies and let them know they are safe and secure with you. I also wasn't sure if I really wanted to stand or not. Give yourself some time for the dust to settle, then you will know.
Take care of yourself and keep us posted. It really helps to vent on here!
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh - thank you for the advice. I will admit I was driving myself crazy with the snooping before he actually left the house - I still find myself checking phone and credit card and it drives me nuts. I don't have any hard evidence and the calls and texts seem to be few and far between from what i had expected before - but like everyone says - you can't change it so just let it go - that is what I am working on. I haven't posted for a while - I try to get on with my life and then I go through times when I just get obsessed over it again. Like tonight when he has the kids out and I am home alone - I try to stay busy but sometimes it is just overwhelming. I am a strong person but this is so hard. I really don't think he knows what he wants other than to get away. He has talked to the kids about buying a house several times but hasn't made any moves in that direction that I am aware of - he is currently at his parents rental home. He has never used the term divorce just that we should "go our separate ways". He seems to seek validation from me on trivial things like what time to take the kids to dinner since school has started. He is like a scared little boy when I see him -so depressed and flat - there isn't really any adult conversation at all other than plans for the kids and his communication with them seems so juvenile (the texts that I see). I am still new to this but it feels like an eternity - I guess I will just focus on day to day - i get myself in trouble with trying to decide what direction to go at the moment. I am a religious person and I try so hard to let go and let God but my human side always intervenes.
Tuff- I totally get what you are saying about the snooping. I drove myself crazy too. I was desperately looking for a reason why this was happening! I checked the phone records, snuck into his wallet at night to get his cc numbers to check those. Then would make up stories on how I found out where he was. It was horrible and so out of character for me. I have never had a reason not to trust H before and I didn't like how I was acting at all, that is why I moved out of the house instead of H. I felt like I was so spinning out of control and causing more damage than good. And a year later I have never found proof of OW.
You mentioned your H seeming lost and confused. I think that is exactly what he is feeling. It seems to me that he needs his time and space to figure things out. Do his eyes look cold and distant? Is he forgetful and scattered? I think they really do just lose their way. But your H also sounds like he wants this time, but not willing to let you go at the same time. I figure that is a good thing, right? My H was the same. I guess I just think back to when I was emotionally withdrawn. My H backed off and let me be, and sure enough I came back. You said you went through that too? Take this time to think about what YOU want in life. What makes you happy. What hobbies you enjoy. Don't try to make any decision right now, it's way too soon. My therapist told me, accept uncertainty. You don't know what will happen, you can't control any of it, you can only control your own actions.
I know obsession, believe me. OCD runs in my family and this brought it out. My C prescribed me a mild anti depressant to help me sleep. Have you been sleeping? Lack of sleep makes everything that much more overwhelming and sets off my anxiety. Are you seeing a therapist? That has also helped me tons!
Hang in there. You are doing good and you have come to the right place. The advice here is good. Just take day by day. The big picture is too much to look at right now. Keep reading about MLC and other self help books. Take care of yourself. Watch funny movies and spend time with supportive friends.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh - thanks again for the helpful advice. I hope I am starting to calm down somewhat from the spinning - I still swing from one thought process - just be done with it - to another - stand for however long it takes. But I am hoping that the distance between the two gets smaller and I eventually am settled with myself. Strange how we really do mirror what I have read about their journey too - I think we just are able to cope with it as we realize what it is. I have been in a better place for the past few days -i have actually seen him a little more too - but my anxiety with him around has subsided - for now. I have determined to try and let go of the anger and just treat him as a friend - unbelievably hard but I am trying. It seems to make him a little more comfortable too - he hangs around for just a few moments longer - no real reason - just lingering - the little boy lost thing again. He is outwardly depressed around me - I saw some when we were in the same house but now all I see is the depression - it hurts me to see him that way but I realize I can't help him - so I just leave it alone. I have seen an IC but it has been a while - she didn't understand the MLC stuff so I stopped going but now I think I will go and just work on finding my happiness/joy in life. That's really what it is all about anyway - right? Being the best we can be without any expectations from them and hope they become the best they can be in the end and you find one another again? This is extremely hard and I would never wish it on anyone but if it helps my H take a look within himself and let his true self out (because I believe it to be amazing) it would all be worth it. I know I have work on myself to do - no doubt - and I plan on coming out far ahead - this pushes you to really look inside yourself and make those changes just in order to live. I have always thought my H put on a "tough front" and felt he had to with his background - he never wanted to show his emotions - thought it was a weakness. I only hope that he will find peace within his true self and feel comfortable in his own skin when this is over.
Tuff it is funny how a lot of IC's don't know about MLC, or they know the typical thoughts about it "red sports car, young blonde girlfriend and a new condo" which does happen but that's just scratching the surface. I hope one day more counselors learn about it - I suppose they will if it happens to them. It's a good idea to go to one anyway to help with your own peace. You could visit with a different one to see if you have a better connection. You're right it is extremely hard and I've said that myself, I would wish this on no one. You are doing well by acknowledging that you will work on yourself - this is definitely a learning experience for all. Take care of yourself!
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
Just updating and keeping my mind clear. Nothing really to report other than this week was my D's bday He texted that afternoon asking if I had plans - seriously - I should just get used to that - I think he does that at times to push my buttons just because I have asked to plan ahead before. Anyway - of course i said yes - planning to take them out. He then replied he wanted to take her for ice cream or something later - i took a few hours before responding I didn't want her out that late on a school night but he was welcome to meet us at the restaurant i was taking them to. Of course he replied no - he was tired and would just stay in. Not surprised - actually hoped he wouldn't go but I am trying to be the bigger person. It is especially taxing now though since the kids want to spend the w/es with him - they say they are with me all week - I tried to explain that the week is like work with school and I don't get to do "fun things" with them then. I don't know the best approach to this since the 2 older ones can make up their own minds. I wish they could see how sorry he is - not paying for anything - I finally told my oldest S (15) this morning that this wasn't my idea (the separation) and I did all I knew to do to try and keep it from happening since one of his remarks to me about time on the weekend was - "you should have thought about that". I almost lost it. I am trying to control my anger but am praying it all plays out in time and they see him for what he really is - he is using them for his own guilt and loneliness - UGH!!!!!!!! Makes me want to go ahead, file and get some order into my life.
