I am new to this but here is my story in a nutshell. I got the BD in early March - "I'm just empty - i think we should separate". All the while he was visibly upset - of course shock set in - searching for whys when non were given - totally thought it was major depression (runs in his family) - he even admitted it. Told him not to leave until kids were out of school - then the madness started - he was like a stranger - no conversation - total withdrawal - no eye contact for weeks - living with a complete stranger - that's when i started looking for answers - seems like MLC to me with comments like I'm tired of worrying about everyone else, the kids will be fine, nobody has died yet (when his mom told him his dad was sick with grief over it) Fast forward -this is where i am now - he has moved out -1 week now- we have 3 children - he came to the house to mow today - said he would be back at the end of the week b/c son wants a cookout next weekend. He then said he would cook some ribs and meat for the cookout - I didn't invite him - i don't expect him to be here. There have been so many what the h@@@ moments like that i can't write them all. When asked if he would want the kids to stay with him sometimes he said - "Honey - we lead busy lives - wherever they land, they land". Am i dealing with crazy, should I take encouragement from him still coming to the house and still wearing his wedding ring or is he so messed up he doesn't even kinow what he's doing because that's what it seems like most of the time. I am pretty sure there is someone else - not sure if just EA or PA yet. How do I handle it from here because i find myself being very short and just not wanting to be around him though I still want to save my marriage.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Sorry you're here. It's a heck of a roller coaster, that's for sure. Right now if you can't keep it together (impossible!) having some space might be a good idea. It's really hard to listen and validate when they're talking crazy.
"Where they land, they land."? Wow. That must have been tough to hear.
Listen to NOTHING HE SAYS. He's going to say even more crazy talk before this is all over.
Do Cadet's homework, find a way to take care of yourself and your children. Detaching is really hard at first, and is still hard later on. Right now distraction is your friend, as well as the folks on this board.
If you need to vent, do it here, not in front of your husband, or to him, either in text/phone/email/in person.
Try and keep your cool, do what you can to rest, eat, and feel centered as much as you can. Lean on friends and family (without disclosing too much) if you can. Now's the time to treat yourself and your kids---go out for ice cream, eat pizza at midnight--stay up late. Whatever will help you feel connected to them and less out of control
Find things you enjoy doing and do them.
Again, I'm so sorry for your troubles. It's such a hard thing to deal with.
How are the kids taking it so far?
Hang in there,
---GG
PS: Your name is aptly chosen!
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Thanks for the replies. The kids seem to be okay but I know they are probably still in some form of shock phase. Yes - the crazy things he says continues. He has acted more depressed than ever when I see him - he keeps making excuses to come to the house for the kids - just pops up during the day - wanting to take them to dinner and stuff- I have told him multiple times to plan ahead. He texted yesterday and was the nicest he has EVER been - just saying things like - I don't mean to bother you - sorry for the confusion - and at one time he wrote - I can't remember much (talking about taking the girls out knowing they had other plans). I didn't respond to that comment - just kept it very objective. Detaching is so much easier without him in the house. I think he still feels like he can come and go but I have met him outside when exchanging the kids without asking him in. It just doesn't feel right. I know my feelings fluctuate too but it's just not his home anymore to me. There is a degree of freedom without him there. Our finances are getting split as I have my own account and credit card now. I rely heavily on my family and friends but I do sometimes fear i tell them too much. The other night he texted me and told me to drive his truck to work so he could take my car and have tires put on - i said no thanks - i can take care of that. I mean what is that line of thinking??? I have read all the links above - bought the DB book, Jim Conway book and everything else i can lay my hands on. He is visibly depressed but I know I am still in early replay given the time frame of the BD and i am already exhausted. He did start keeping a journal before he left and i took that as a good sign that perhaps he started some introspection but who really knows. I just don't know how to respond when he wants to still do things around the house - part of me thinks I should let him to keep coming around but I don't want to feel like a doormat and the other part wants him to feel the result of his leaving. Thank you for your support - I never dreamed I would ever be in thsi situation as none of us do. I have started really focusing on me and that is hard and a long process but I know everything happens for a reason and I have a strong faith in God to get me through this according to his will. I am just walking my own path for now.
Hi tuff, So sorry you're going through this but you are in the right place. Some more detail would be helpful...how long have you been married? How old are the kids? Any major changes in H's life recently? Was this totally out of the blue or were there signs leading up to B-day? What are his major complaints (if any) about the marriage or you?
Get used to the "What the h%*l" moments. There will be many to come. The "the kids will land where they land", wow, tuff one there. Do the homework from Cadet, really does help. Oh, and yes, you ARE dealing with "crazy".
I'm sorry you find yourself here. This board is a wealth of support and encouragement.
In regards to your h coming over and wearing his ring, I will be blunt. I wouldn't read too much into anything at this point. The reality is that it will get better and is probably a bit less stressful without him being there. I would also skip any questions unless it has to do with logistics.
You are correct. There is a good chance there is someone else and I wouldn't worry too much about her. She has her own issues.
Read all that you can and come her to vent. Protect yourself and the kids and detach. Leave your h alone:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
sorry to read of your sit. It/the bomb was shocking for me as well (for (3 months ago, not 4 as I wrote ... seemed longer
It funny how we all have similar feelings. Like you I was shocked & devastated. Found this site and am reading the posts suggested by Cadet as well as resources. learning that I was not to blame. I am still on roller coaster - with unpredictable crying spells, but I do feel the sense of community. You will too - visit often, we are all with you.
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
Thank you for your support. Some days are easier than others-I know he's coming over today and I have a lot of anxiety about that. I just think it's easier In a lot of ways to not even see him.
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
GoatGal - I am still around. I am having a hard time with him and the kids. I have asked to pre-plan when he wants them but as most things - there is no comprehension or follow through with that. He will just text and say he is getting them for dinner. He used to be somewhat nice and "ask" but last time he told me what he was going to do and i said - no - we had plans with other family members then (<48 hrs. notice) and suggested another night. I could tell by the language of his text he was angry - oh well. IMO he is in the state of going between depression and anger (though i know they are interwoven). I think perhaps he senses a little loss of control hence the stating vs. asking. I told him that our youngest D was going out with a friend this w/e -- just a as a courtesy and he replied - I will think about that - it wasn't a question - it was a statement. I didn't respond. He seems to get mad when he doesn't know what his kids plans are - I'm sorry but once you're gone some things go with that in my opinion. I am trying really hard to detach but i find myself just ignoring - he tried to make some conversation the other night - just objective things - when i picked up my D but I just couldn't stand it so i rushed around to get away ASAP. I guess that is just my coping mechanism right now. He took them out for ice cream last night and i was on the porch when he came back - i wasn't there when he picked them up - i was out having a great time with some girlfriends - a nice dinner - anyway- i was still dressed well - he didn't say anything but looked and waved - it is all so strange. (my mom was there too though and that is rough to say the least - she is full of anger) I find myself angrier these days and just wanting nothing to do with him. He stays away when my mom is there - otherwise it seems he makes excuses to stop by the house.
Matt- -I thought i answered your questions earlier but perhaps not - he never gave me any reason - even when i asked for some reason our 18 year marriage is coming to an end he just looked at me. Prior to BD he did say that the stress in the house was too much and that he can't take it when i yell at the kids - ok - there are 3 of them and I do that sometimes - or did - i have worked on myself since Feb. and managed to control that A LOT. He has had life stresses - his job is very stressful and he didn't get a promotion he wanted, got a new boss who he said is a "micro-manager" and was talking about wanting to get away from him a while ago, he had minor surgery in the fall (when they were giving him anesthesia he fought it and said he didn't like feeling vulnerable - I think it will take him a while to get out of the tunnel - this is a man with a lot of issues to work through), and then i had to put the family dog to sleep in Feb. HE never showed emotion toward that dog but apparently it affected him as he mentioned to me afterwards that he didn't know how i did it - he couldn't have done that. Anyway - any pointers for detachment would be great - i am trying to meditate, reading inspirational things, reading my bible, talking to old friends, going out more - basically working on GAL which i realize I have ignored my inner self for a while - too busy being career woman and mother - i know i slacked on the wife side - figuring that could come last and here I am. I am starting to question why I would even want him back though. Does everyone go through this????
Blessings and prayers to all to get through this ourselves and be better, stronger.
